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The title was taken from an article by adoptee, educator and speaker, Karl Stenske. Karl's article was titled " The Psychology of Adoption Trauma and the Primal Wound". In it he discusses the psychological impact of adoption and how separating the child from it's birth mother creates a traumatic event that "deeply impacts the adoptee, creating special needs that must be addressed throughout the adoptee’s life.
As I read through the article, being adopted myself, many things began to ring true. He argues that no matter the age, the baby is affected by the separation from it's birth mother. This leads later in childhood to two types of behavior. Either the child will act out or be extremely compliant. I am the older of two children, both of us adopted and I certainly had my problems especially as I entered the teenage years. My sister, two years younger, was just the opposite, always the good child.
I developed a problem with authority, had rage issues and went through my share of counseling. All the while, none of the behavior really made sense. I was less than a month old when adopted, had great parents and was brought up to respect my elders, and to be polite. I had a happy and fairly uneventful upbringing in the still somewhat idyllic 1970's. There was nothing really to explain why I became so difficult........except maybe genetics. Skipping ahead quite a few years (with some really rough bouts of substance abuse in between) I searched for and found my birth mother through the center I was adopted from and a meeting was set. We spent 4 days alone together camping in a national park and got to know each other. We bonded instantly, a rarity for me as I am usually a fairly aloof person (more proof of that invisible bond) but she had none of the darksided problems that plagued me throughout my life. That left only my birth father as an explanation for my troubles. She claimed little knowledge of him, which made me wonder about the circumstances of my birth but we'd just met after 27 years, I wasn't about to push the subject.
So I gave up on ever figuring out the why's of my bad brain and tried to work things through on my own. I want to say at this point, I was never looking to assign blame. I've always tried to take personal responsibility for my own actions but I wanted to get an inkling into their origins. Enter this new field of study into newborn memory. I have come to believe that the separation trauma is a very real thing and probably affected me in a profound way. Only now am I beginning to come to terms with how it unknowingly shaped my life.
I'm looking for other adoptees or adoptive parents views or experiences within this vein. Apologies for getting to the crux of this post in such a roundabout, disjointed way........I'm trying to condense what I consider to be a huge subject into a few hundred inadequate words. Interested parties might want to read the article before commenting. It's quite interesting, as are the comments that followed, my half-assed summary doesn't begin to do it justice. Here's the link:
I'm an adoptive mother, and as such; I will answer your question.
Our daughter was adopted at four months of age from Korea. She turns 18 this month. We have had no issues with rage or authority, and certainly none that require the intervention of a therapist.
She is an honors student and is in all AP or honors classes. Just like her brother, who is our son by birth. She shared the families dislike of math and STEM subjects, just like her brother, who was not adopted. Those are not among her AP classes.
She has many friends, and is quite popular. She is not a conformist. She shares the families passion for politics, and intends to major in political science in college.
I am sorry that you have incurred the difficulties that you have, but there are as many; if not more non-adopted individuals who go through similar problems. Many turn out fine.
In fact, I have a nephew, not adopted; who sounds quite a bit like you. Why? I don't know. It could be, birth order, or his parents divorce, or their move about that time. But then, he is one of four, and none of his siblings have had these issues.
After a couple of lack luster years at a community college, he decided to quit complaining and he joined the US Navy. He is quite happy there.
I am not suggesting the Navy for you. I am suggesting that you take responsibility for your own life and find a good therapist who does not focus on "adoption issues".
There is a huge anti adoption movement out there that will teach you to blame how you entered your family, and the "primal loss" for your own problems.
On the upside, you write well, and you sound reasonably intelligent!
Use those gifts!
I sincerely wish you the best of luck. But remember, we create much of our own "luck" in life; but a little extra never hurt anyone.
My husband was adopted and has none of the above mentioned issues. Both of our children were adopted and have none of the above mentioned issues to date, they are 7 & 10. My best friend was adopted and has none of these issues.
That doesn't mean that they don't exist, only that they don't exist for everyone. Counseling is wonderful if you are working towards a solution. I did read the Primal Wound as part of our adoption process, my adoptee husband thought it was bunk but he's only lived his life, I imagine a lot of adoptees have found truth in it.
I have a friend who when we were 14 her mother committed a violent suicide in front of her while blaming her for her unhappiness. Talk about a serious "wound." Today she is a doctor, happily married with a toddler.
I have found that we all have baggage, everybody's got a cross to bear, if this is yours ok, so accept it, deal with it and move on.
This has been discussed ad nauseum on this forum. Look into the archives for more. I said all I want to say about it except this:
Many many teens, adopted or not, have real serious issues. to blame these issues on adoption is too easy.
We have 4 children--one 32 year old bio son, 1 30 yo Korean born daughter and 2 11 yo Vietnamese girls. Ooops-forgot one turned 12 yesterday. Everybody is happy. None of the kids have any behavior problems or have expressed any longing or mourning. In fact my 30 yo daughter and i were talking about this today.She still has little patience for adopted people who hang all their problems on the adoption nail. Three are semi geniuses in school...the youngest daughter struggles.
This has been discussed ad nauseum on this forum. Look into the archives for more. I said all I want to say about it except this:
Many many teens, adopted or not, have real serious issues. to blame these issues on adoption is too easy.
We have 4 children--one 32 year old bio son, 1 30 yo Korean born daughter and 2 11 yo Vietnamese girls. Ooops-forgot one turned 12 yesterday. Everybody is happy. None of the kids have any behavior problems or have expressed any longing or mourning. In fact my 30 yo daughter and i were talking about this today.She still has little patience for adopted people who hang all their problems on the adoption nail. Three are semi geniuses in school...the youngest daughter struggles.
Some people are happy...some are unhappy.
Good luck.
It's funny that you say this about your thirty year old. My 18 year old has zero tolerance for this also.
She feels no longing for anything.
She just walked in the door and I showed her this thread. She rolled her eyes and tossed her long mane of hair and said with her typical sardonic edge "it could be worse...he could have been NOT adopted and or raised by a 15 year old drop out. Or left in an orphanage...suck it up, dude."
So I gave up on ever figuring out the why's of my bad brain and tried to work things through on my own. I want to say at this point, I was never looking to assign blame. I've always tried to take personal responsibility for my own actions but I wanted to get an inkling into their origins. Enter this new field of study into newborn memory. I have come to believe that the separation trauma is a very real thing and probably affected me in a profound way. Only now am I beginning to come to terms with how it unknowingly shaped my life.
I think I get what you are trying to say. You are not trying to "blame everything on being adopted" like other posters might think. You are just allowing yourself to consider adoption/relinquishment-related things as a possible factor in some of your behaviour pattern and by acknowledging that factor, it is helping you move forward.
I think what can be a problem for some people who seek therapy and who also happen to be adopted is that they go to the therapist and everything under the sun BUT relinquishment/adoption is considered a factor - even their shoe size might be considered a factor but never adoption. I think if one goes to a therapist, then one needs one who considers ALL factors.
I've never been to a therapist but if I were someone who was, say, having relationship difficulties, I would want one that struck a happy balance - i.e. I would not want them to automatically "blame everything on adoption", yet neither would I want them to totally ignore relinquishment/adoption as being a factor - I would want the therapist to explore ALL possibilities.
I think what has happened for many adoptees is that they have had relationship dfficulties and because they've never allowed themselves to consider relinquishment/adoption to ever be a factor, they've not understood their behaviour. However, by allowing themselves to consider relinquishment/adoption a factor, they have then been able to change their behaviours and move forward.
So I don't think the OP is saying he/she is "blaming everything on being adopted", he/she is saying that by acknowledging relinquishment/aoption as factor in why they have behaved as they have, it has allowed them to move forward.
For the non-adopted, think of it a bit like perhaps reading an article about, say, birth order and thinking "Hmm that makes sense, I'm a bit like that" - it doesn't mean that you are "blaming everything on your birth order" but you might consider that as a possible factor in certain behaviours and thus help you to move forward through those behaviours.
Now, I'm not going to equate adoption with divorce but just trying to say it might be a bit like a person with relationship dfficulties going to a therapist and the therapist never bringing up their parents' divorce at all. Or like a person saying "I think some of my issues with commitment may be related my parents divorce" and everyone going "you are blaming everything on your parents divorce" and not allowing that person to even acknowledge their parent's divorce as a possible factor. That person isn't blaming his issues on his parents divorce but is acknowledging that his feelings re his parents' divorce may be influencing his behaviour in relationships and thus by acknowledging that, he is able to change his behaviour and move forward.
Now with a person who went to a therapist and perhaps had a relationship issue where they always felt they had to leave a relationship first, and that person just happened to be adopted, I think it would be remiss of a therapist to not even consider relinquishment/adoption to be a factor in that behaviour pattern. It is quite possible that if the therapist did allow the client to acknowledge that, it might actually help him to understand his behaviour and thus change his behaviour.
I have never ever blamed anything in my life on adoption and in fact until recently have never allowed myself to ever consider adoption/relinquishment to ever being a factor in anything. I still am very loath to ever consider adoption/relinquishment to EVER being a factor in anything at all. However, if, in future, I do have any issues I need to work through, I will now allow relinquishment/adoption to at least be considered one of the factors amongst every other factor rather than summarily dismiss it.
To try to explain it by using anothr non-adoption-related example:
When I was a child I moved from NZ to Australia and did have some behavioural issues. Just say I had gone to a therapist and I brought up my move from NZ to Australia, I am assuming that the therapist would consider that as a possible factor in my behaviour.
However, just imagine that the therapist said something like: "It can't be that. Australia is a wonderful country. There are lots of people who would love to move here. You should be grateful that you are here. So, let's move on, perhaps your issues are related to your parents/siblings/shoe size/hair colour etc". Now if I had kept having a certain issue and I could never figure out why and if everyone in their life kept telling me that my issue had nothing to do with the move, I might never be able to move forward. If I went to a therapist who then said "You know, you might have had problems settling in after moving from NZ to Australia", then it is possible that I might then be able to say "You know, you might be right, thanks for that - that has helped me move forward" and might help my further behaviour. It doesn't mean I was blaming everything on the move, it would just mean I was allowing myself to accept that it could be a factor.
Back to the OP, having looked at their previous posts on CD, it is fairly obvious that they are not "blaming everything in their life on adoption", they seem to have a wide interest in many different things.
Last edited by susankate; 02-28-2014 at 03:57 PM..
First, I would agree that a lot of the issues brought up by those that were adopted were experienced by me, someone not adopted and are just a part of life. I'm the family's black sheep though. Second, we adopted an infant that was 4 weeks old and I do believe that he knew at that time that his "situation" had changed. We were the 4th family this infant had been with and we gave him his 4th name. It took a couple of weeks before I think he realized that he would cry or wakeup and be greeted by the same people and be in the same place. Maybe this was just my imagination but it seemed that way. Although he has special needs, he does understand adoption having heard us discuss it openly and he favored 2 movies with adoption as a theme. I do believe that nature is 60% of the equation and nurture is 40%. But, thinking about it, the school often wanted to make a behavioral "trait" about his being adopted and if I could do it over, they would never have known that but they insisted on medical records since he was special needs.
Primal Wound seems to offend some people's sensibilities. But loosing your mother at birth is trauma, whether by adoption or death. It's interesting that some people take that loss to the child more seriously & sympathetically if the mother dies in childbirth, even if she is immediately replaced with loving caregivers.
Though I believe the trauma exists, I don't think that everyone deals with it in the same ways. I can imagine that some infants are just by nature more adaptable and process trauma more quickly,completely, & successfully than others. Growing up adopted is a lifelong process, & there are many points along the way that people in the field believe can effect adoptees differently than other people. While I don't believe all "issues" with adoptees have to center on adoption, I believe that growing up adopted presents the strong possibility of some issues, especially surrounding relationships, being effected by adoption. The entire experience of adoption, some of which is outside the adoptive parents' control, experience, and ability to influence, is a valid place to look for insight if problems turn up. .
Where do I begin. First, the Primal Wound is a theory. It is neither considered nor is it a treatable disorder, it is not studied in any advanced psychology program, and it is not considered a legitimate "cause" of issues adopted persons may have. The author of the Primal Wound is not recognized as having discovered a breakthrough in the field of Psychiatry and she is by no means an expert on the subject of adoption. She is a birth mother and an adoptive mother, who I suspect, felt guilty about adopting after she gave birth to her other child. SHE NEEDS THERAPY. Her book has made her millions, so I'm sure she can afford a good therapist!
Second, infants bond with their primary caregiver. Mothers bond with their infants. To impress adult feelings onto an infant is not a basis for claiming that the infant feels and is experiencing the same emotions as the mother. There is evidence of newborns acknowledging the mother's voice, face, smell, etc., but these studies have been controlled and the infants were not being adopted. So, results of such studies cannot be applied to infant adoptions.
My opinion on the Primal Wound.... If this theory is valid then I have a bridge to sell you in Arizona!
Primal Wound seems to offend some people's sensibilities.
No, it's just outright offensive to those who respect real science and research.
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. If this theory is valid then I have a bridge to sell you in Arizona!
