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Old 04-16-2013, 11:27 AM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 152,980 times
Reputation: 177

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
I felt this beared repeating here. As susankate stated, we may never know what babies feel towards their birth mother after birth. Studies that state babies recognize their birth mother's voice don't prove the baby is attaching or bonding to anyone. It's voice recognition. In order for a baby to bond and attach, a lot more interaction needs to happen - correctly, consistently, and over a period of time. I can't find any source from professionals who work in this area that say otherwise.

I don't believe anyone is disputing the findings of the studies that are mentioned to support a baby's instinctual bond with his birthmother. What I am disputing, and what the researchers are not saying, is that what they are studying has nothing to do with bonding. They are studying how newborns interact with people and their parents/caregivers after birth. Bonding is a completely separate process. Below is a good article about this.

Washington University's Blank Slate Study
I know what my baby feels toward me... My son and I had an immediate connection/bond/attachment that could not be denied when we reunited.
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:37 AM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 152,980 times
Reputation: 177
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scott_K View Post
I only looked at the page linked - it only mentions him as the creator of the blog. I went back to it and clicked around a bit before finding the info that he was the sole author of the blog.

Babies know their mothers voice from birth - Babies Recognize Mom's Voice from the Womb - ABC News
In one study, babies 2-4 days old showed different movements in response to their mothers’ voices and strangers’ voices - CHILDMYTHS: Hey Good-Lookin': About Newborns Recognizing Their Mothers
Mothers and babies can synchronize their heartbeats just by smiling at each other - Mothers and babies can instantly synchronize their hearts just by smiling at each other
Psychologist William Fifer of Columbia University found that newborns enter the world with distinctive preference for at least two sounds, the mother's heart beat and her voice. Newborns prefer their mothers' voice to the voice of other women. - Babies Learn Even Before They are Born
Mothers and their children share a cellular link that lasts their entire lives, a chemical bond. - Cell Migration from Baby to Mother

There's lots more studies out there, done on humans, not ducklings. The recently posted (to this forum) video with Paul Sunderland goes into this at some depth as well.

I'll add my own experience here as well. I have had no contact whatsoever with my adopters or their families for ten years. They are not my family, I do not belong or "fit" there. Zero bond with my adoptive mother or father. I have a strong bond with my birth mother, who I have known for 13 years. We can finish each others sentences and strangers immediately recognize the mother/son relationship. There is a bond which survived 33 years of separation, which drew us back together. I probably won't ever see my adopters again and only feel relief over this.
Bless you for sharing your experience with your natural mother. My son and I were separated for 27 years. There can be no denying that I am his mother and he is my son. Our connection was and remains instantaneous. This is not to take anything away from his adoptive parents... It just is.

People can post as many sources as they'd like to disprove/prove this or that, but until they have walked a day, a year, a lifetime... in our shoes, it's all a moot point.
Again, thank you for sharing your experiences.
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:37 AM
 
1,024 posts, read 983,913 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avery_Harper View Post
I know what my baby feels toward me... My son and I had an immediate connection/bond/attachment that could not be denied when we reunited.
I had the same instant connection to my father & siblings when we first reunited -- although it was obviously complicated by years of separation & for years I insisted I had no interest in searching. That didn't make it any less significant to me when it finally happened.

BTW, according to my mom & doctors I also appeared to have an immediate connection to my dad (a-father). One connection does not make all previous connections automatically less-than.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 04-16-2013 at 11:57 AM..
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:43 AM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 152,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dogluvr2012 View Post
I don't understand the point of this thread. The first link is to an article that says 1 out of 5 mothers don't bond immediately with their baby, which means that 4 out of 5 (the majority) do. This doesn't make bonding "a myth".

The third link looks to be a blog with someone's opinion. There are many others with the opinion that the opposite is true. There have been so many different theories about what babies think and understand, it would make your head spin. I don't think anyone can say for a fact either way.

I don't see the "myth" that you are referring to?
I don't either.
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Old 04-16-2013, 11:48 AM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 152,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
I had the same instant connection to my father & siblings when we first reunited -- although it was obviously complicated by years of separation & for years I insisted I had no interest in searching. That didn't make it any less significant to me when it finally happened.
Thank you for sharing your personal journey.
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Old 04-16-2013, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,187 posts, read 14,941,333 times
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My experience. I have one child born to me and the bond was not immediate but within a few days after bringing him home from the hospital. We adopted an infant that was 4 weeks old and has DS and this was an interesting experience because we were his 4th home in 4 weeks. Perhaps it was my imagination but he would cry and it would seem like he was expecting someone other than me or maybe no one at all. I bonded to this baby as quickly as I did the son I gave birth to. After a couple of weeks though, our son settled in and I believe he expected me or another family member to always be the ones that would be there for him and 26 years later, we are still here. To me, bonding is the real word for love. People use the term "love" to loosely and I don't think most have a clue what it means. Truly, for me, there is no difference in the way I feel about my boys.
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Old 04-16-2013, 12:10 PM
 
1,024 posts, read 983,913 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Avery_Harper View Post
Thank you for sharing your personal journey.
You're welcome. I actually haven't met my mother in person yet (although we have been in contact & I hope one day we will meet). To be completely honest I am afraid that I will feel an immediate attachment or bond with her.

I don't think non-adoptees understand how scary that can be.
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Old 04-16-2013, 12:20 PM
 
1,024 posts, read 983,913 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
Perhaps it was my imagination but he would cry and it would seem like he was expecting someone other than me or maybe no one at all.
I don't think that was your imagination. I think many adoptive parents have experienced this & it is understandable considering your child probably had attachment disruptions with their bio-mother & at least three other foster parents before they had the opportunity to attach/bond with you.

Quote:
To me, bonding is the real word for love. People use the term "love" to loosely and I don't think most have a clue what it means.
I agree. When most people say they are in love I would categorize it as lust/infatuation.
Love to me is something that is long-lasting & is always unconditional.
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:21 PM
 
1,516 posts, read 1,839,817 times
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This whole attachment and bonding process is such a complicated thing. Dealing with a RAD child makes it even more complex. I do envy folks that feel that of overwhelming love from the very start and have that immediate bond. I can emphatise with that AP linked in this thread quite a bit however our situation is a bit different.

Last edited by Jaded; 06-09-2013 at 12:56 PM.. Reason: edited by request
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Old 04-16-2013, 10:29 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,979,858 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
The above quote talks about the bond that parents have. Not the bond that the baby has.
I know. The "myth" is that parents, primarily mothers, have an instant bond with their babies. Some do, some don't. I used the word "myth" from one of the links, or other related story, can't remember now actually.

Babies need time to become familiar with and attach and bond to their primary caregiver...most of the time this is the biological mother, but not always. But, as the stories highlight, some mothers - biological and adoptive - don't have an "instant" bond with their babies.
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