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Old 05-02-2013, 08:24 AM
 
1,024 posts, read 984,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linmora View Post
Getting ready for a move now so not as much time to post on these adoption forums.

Since I asked for examples, thanks for posting. Seems like quite a list of negative things adoptees must deal with on a daily basis. I guess for now, I can only shelter my children from life's negative messages about adoption and from your list, there are plenty. Aside from a few well meaning but misguided comments I got from folks after we adopted, they haven't been bombarded with this kind of stuff an for that I'm happy.

Good luck on your move Linmora!

Just wanted to reiterate that no one said these messages are heard on a daily basis. As Tiff has pointed out, a well-meaning compliment can have unintentional yet demeaning implications for the adoptee. These things can be internalized.

Not sure how old your daughter is, but if you asked her if she has ever gotten the impression that people/society in general feels some of those things about adoptees I would not be too surprised if she already has.

I've personally never met a teen/adult adoptee who isn't aware that at least some of those views are common.
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:30 AM
 
393 posts, read 503,796 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linmora View Post
Getting ready for a move now so not as much time to post on these adoption forums.

Since I asked for examples, thanks for posting. Seems like quite a list of negative things adoptees must deal with on a daily basis. I guess for now, I can only shelter my children from life's negative messages about adoption and from your list, there are plenty. Aside from a few well meaning but misguided comments I got from folks after we adopted, they haven't been bombarded with this kind of stuff an for that I'm happy.
Linmora - adoptees don't deal with all the different versions listed on a daily basis. It just gets old when you have dealt with the stuff your entire life. The media does it, strangers do it, friends do it. I have also seen a resurgence from some in the Evangelical Christian Adoption Movement.

I've been to old to internalize it for decades now (likely the same for others on this forum), the only thing it does is make me angry for others - but I certainly will talk about it - because other adoptees behind me - will internalize it, and they shouldn't have to.

Last edited by Artful Dodger; 05-02-2013 at 09:21 AM.. Reason: correct word
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Old 05-02-2013, 08:53 AM
 
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^ Exactly. That is why I think it is important to talk about, too. My family members who are also adopted have already heard some of the same comments I heard/internalized at their age. I'm sure they have not internalized every message that has been listed, but unfortunately I think it is impossible to shelter them from these things in the years to come.

They have already been told by more than one person that they are lucky to be adopted. This is before they are even able to fully comprehend what being adopted means to them.
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Old 05-03-2013, 07:26 AM
 
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This probably deserves a thread of it's own, but I thought it also belonged here. This girl agreed at age 14 to be a surrogate for her adoptive mother in part because she felt "grateful" for being adopted:

Girl, 14, forced to become pregnant with donor sperm bought by mother | UK news | The Guardian

Quote:
In agreeing, she said "feelings of gratitude for my adoption influenced how I behaved".
So much for screening PAPs, this vile woman was approved to adopt three children. & this poor girl loved her adoptive mother & felt grateful that she adopted her in spite of everything she has been put through. This just proves that sometimes the gratitude adoptees believe they feel for adoption can really be a symptom of low self-worth.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 05-03-2013 at 07:44 AM..
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:26 AM
 
16,568 posts, read 14,024,069 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
So back to the actual topic... a fairly long list has been compiled giving examples of many of the negative societal messages regarding adoptees (ones that lead people to believe we should be grateful we were adopted). I am still curious to hear from those who requested the examples because they were not aware of any.
One of my students is adopted and in a meeting we were talking about the fact he lashed out at another student recently. Instead of figuring our why that was, more than one teacher stated it was because he was adopted and thus has anger "issues". I was there, he was provoked, and while he response was not acceptable it certainly had nothing to do with being adopted.

Another time, when it was noticed his parents did not come in for parent conferences, someone else commented again that he was adopted and should be grateful to have parents at all. Any other students and people would have tried to get to the bottom of why parents weren't there.

Adoptees are either expected to be endlessly grateful for anything they get, or are being marginalized as angry monsters who act out irrationally. Both extremes are unacceptable. BTW, both happen in this very forum.
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Old 05-03-2013, 10:16 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,901,239 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
This probably deserves a thread of it's own, but I thought it also belonged here. This girl agreed at age 14 to be a surrogate for her adoptive mother in part because she felt "grateful" for being adopted:

Girl, 14, forced to become pregnant with donor sperm bought by mother | UK news | The Guardian

So much for screening PAPs, this vile woman was approved to adopt three children. & this poor girl loved her adoptive mother & felt grateful that she adopted her in spite of everything she has been put through. This just proves that sometimes the gratitude adoptees believe they feel for adoption can really be a symptom of low self-worth.
I didn't get from the article that gratitude caused the girl to agree to get pregnant for her mother. On several occasions the article mentions that the mother was domineering and that the girl was afraid and not brave enough to say no. There seems have been a number of factors, isolation probably being an important one, that caused this to happen. The case is so extreme and the mother's treatment of the kids so oppressive that I can't see how this example really proves anything about relations between adoptees and their parents.
Sadly this case is a failure not only of the British adoption system but also their child welfare system. After four complaints and the kids clearly being so isolated there should have been a more thorough investigation sooner.
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Old 05-03-2013, 01:15 PM
 
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According to what the girl has said in her own words, feelings of gratitude were definitely a factor for her (but certainly not the only factor). Obviously this story is not an example of typical relations between adoptees & their parents. The point I was trying to make is that even when adoptees are abused by their APs, they can still internalize the message that they should be grateful for adoption.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 05-03-2013 at 01:50 PM..
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