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Old 04-29-2013, 04:48 PM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 153,434 times
Reputation: 177

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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffjoy View Post
I certainly have no intention of telling my daughter she experienced a loss when she was removed from her biological mother and father. That's telling someone how to feel, and I don't do that to my children. But if she feels that way, I will be ok with that emotion and not try to make her feel that she is wrong for feeling that way like I see done here so very often.

That has been my personal experience with my adoptee friends in real life. Some felt they experienced a loss, and it mattered to them very much if their parents validated their feelings.
This !!! I'm not sure why this is such a difficult concept for some to grasp. Everyone has a right to their feelings...
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:02 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 987,479 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
It has become very popular to coin the phrase "all adoption begins with loss." Many feel that the biological family is the only family and that any other relationship is a substitute for one's biological family.
No one here believes those things. The fact of the matter is the addition of family members or being raised by certain family members (adoptive parents, step parents, foster parents) does not erase the reality of losing other family members (bio-parents, siblings, or other extended family).

Quote:
Just as society has moved beyond the "nuclear family" we will move beyond the notion that one's original family is "lost" through adoption. In reality, for infants, their family isn't lost at all. No infant is born with the intellectual capacity to form the type of memories necessary to articulate in adulthood that they experienced loss at such a young age.
When someone develops the ability to recall memories is besides the point. We are discussing losses that continue to impact most people in some form or fashion during childhood & sometimes well into adulthood. We also are talking about much more than losing contact with bio-family. Please review the source I provided if you are unaware of this.

Quote:
So, if an infant is raised to believe that not being raised within his biological family was traumatic and he has suffered great loss because of this, then that's what he'll believe in adulthood; or, if an adult who was adopted as an infant is told this in adulthood, he may believe that is the cause/reason for issues or uneasy feelings in his life. That is what he will internalize. Even if his adoptive family was loving, nurturing, and caring.
My parents never raised me to believe that I had suffered any loss or trauma because I was adopted. They were always incredibly forthcoming & positive. I still experienced many of the challenges that researches have found are common for children adopted as infants -- because loss of information, family, ect do not cease to exist simply because you were adopted as a baby.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 04-29-2013 at 06:24 PM..
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:18 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,987,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
No one here believes those things. The fact of the matter is loving the family raising you (adoptive parents) does not erase the reality of losing other family members (or the chance to grow up knowing other family members or having access to answers/info that may be very important to you).

When someone develops the ability to recall memories is besides the point. We are discussing losses that continue to impact most people in some form or fashion during childhood & sometimes well into adulthood. We also are talking about much more than losing contact with bio-family. Please review the source I provided if you are unaware of this.

My parents never raised me to believe that I had suffered a great loss or trauma because I was adopted. They were always incredibly forthcoming & positive. I still experienced many of the challenges that researches have found are common for children adopted as infants -- because loss of information, family, ect do not cease to exist simply because you were adopted as a baby.
Your post here just proved my point. Thank you.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:26 PM
 
509 posts, read 484,530 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
No one here believes those things. The fact of the matter is the addition of family members or being raised by certain family members (adoptive parents, step parents, foster parents) does not erase the reality of losing other family members (bio-parents, siblings, or other extended family).

When someone develops the ability to recall memories is besides the point. We are discussing losses that continue to impact most people in some form or fashion during childhood & sometimes well into adulthood. We also are talking about much more than losing contact with bio-family. Please review the source I provided if you are unaware of this.

My parents never raised me to believe that I had suffered a great loss or trauma because I was adopted. They were always incredibly forthcoming & positive. I still experienced many of the challenges that researches have found are common for children adopted as infants -- because loss of information, family, ect do not cease to exist simply because you were adopted as a baby.
Great post.

Most parents understand that our children, both biological and adopted, experience many complicated feelings that have nothing to do with our parenting and everything to do with being a unique human being trying to process and deal with life events. For people who are adopted, there is an added complexity already in place in their lives.

You really did make a point, and it's not that infants don't experience loss or that it's how you are patented that determines if you feel loss or not. There are so many actual parents who get this and realize that we are here not to tell our children how to feel, but rather to accept their feelings as they are and support them through the process of dealing with them.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:27 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 987,479 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
Your post here just proved my point. Thank you.
Care to explain how? I don't see it.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:31 PM
 
Location: California
167 posts, read 153,434 times
Reputation: 177
Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
No one here believes those things. The fact of the matter is the addition of family members or being raised by certain family members (adoptive parents, step parents, foster parents) does not erase the reality of losing other family members (bio-parents, siblings, or other extended family).

When someone develops the ability to recall memories is besides the point. We are discussing losses that continue to impact most people in some form or fashion during childhood & sometimes well into adulthood. We also are talking about much more than losing contact with bio-family. Please review the source I provided if you are unaware of this.

My parents never raised me to believe that I had suffered any loss or trauma because I was adopted. They were always incredibly forthcoming & positive. I still experienced many of the challenges that researches have found are common for children adopted as infants -- because loss of information, family, ect do not cease to exist simply because you were adopted as a baby.
Fantastic post! Hopefully those who are planning to adopt absorb the wisdom from your experience.

Adoption is built on the foundation of a prior loss. There is no other way to sugarcoat this.
Great Book, and informative article for those willing to learn more:
Quote:
Useful tools: Knowledge of the Seven Core Issues in Adoption (Loss, Rejection, Shame, Grief, Identity, Intimacy, Control - Silverstein & Kaplan, 1982) - AND the practical, everyday application of these tools! See AdoptionToolbox.com for user details.
http://www.commitmentnow.com/family-...-adopted-child
Quote:
Knowledge really is power, and knowledge applied
is what powerful adoption-parenting is all about.
http://www.adoptiontoolbox.com/

Last edited by Avery_Harper; 04-29-2013 at 06:42 PM..
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:52 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 987,479 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiffjoy View Post
Most parents understand that our children, both biological and adopted, experience many complicated feelings that have nothing to do with our parenting and everything to do with being a unique human being trying to process and deal with life events. For people who are adopted, there is an added complexity already in place in their lives.

You really did make a point, and it's not that infants don't experience loss or that it's how you are patented that determines if you feel loss or not. There are so many actual parents who get this and realize that we are here not to tell our children how to feel, but rather to accept their feelings as they are and support them through the process of dealing with them.
It is comforting to know that most adoptive parents understand their child has lost some things & that they are prepared to help their child cope with whatever feelings they may have because of that. If they never feel loss, that is great. But it is truly unrealistic for anyone to expect a child won't simply because they were adopted as an infant.

Positive adoption language/rhetoric does not change facts & circumstances for adoptees.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Avery_Harper View Post
Fantastic post! Hopefully those who are planning to adopt absorb the wisdom from your experience.

Adoption is built on the foundation of a prior loss. There is no other way to sugarcoat this.
Thanks! I think what some people fail to understand is that losing contact with one's biological family can be a major loss for people adopted as infants, even when being raised by their adoptive family is a major gain.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:52 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,864,042 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
I really don't believe any parent should be judged for changing their child's name. Whether that child be adopted or biological. Parents make decisions that they feel are best for their child(ren). Will everyone agree with them? Probably not. Will the child always agree, most definitely not.

If my parents allowed me to have a say in every decision they made for me during all of my childhood, I'd be wearing pink outfits everyday and eating macaroni and cheese every night for dinner.

I don't need to be a parent to know that children's feelings don't always trump a parent's decisions and that this does not necessarily constitute disrespecting a child in any way. If a child wants to smoke should a parent say, "well, they're not my lungs!" I think not. Once kids become adults, they can change their names if they want to - whether they are adopted or not.

I'm constantly amazed by the voice of those who frown upon being marginalized in society, yet engage in and advocate for practices that do just that. Really interesting irony.
Was this post meant to be under the Adoption name changing thread?
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:55 PM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,864,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thethreefoldme View Post
Care to explain how? I don't see it.
Same here, I'm a bit confused as well.
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Old 04-29-2013, 07:25 PM
 
1,014 posts, read 987,479 times
Reputation: 834
I also haven't heard of this supposed problem of "over-diagnosis" of adoption loss by therapists & found no mention of it on the internet. I had a hard time finding psychologists who specialized in adoption when I was searching for graduate schools. Adoptees are such a minority that I doubt any therapist views them as a meal ticket. Either way, I think it is common knowledge that people who are adopted as newborns via Safe Haven Laws at the very least lose information that may be important to them some day.
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