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Old 05-21-2013, 06:02 AM
 
1,024 posts, read 984,837 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
Mother and father are technical terms. Mom and dad are endearment terms. It is completely proper to call biological parents mother and father because they are.
This.

BTW I gave specific examples of people who require the use of birth-qualifiers due to certain insecurities, which is not the same as saying people only use the terms because they are insecure. Mother & father may become loaded terms if they trigger emotional baggage for someone, but the terms themselves are inherently technical as Lizita has pointed out here.

Adoptees referring to their biological parents as their mother & father should not be seen as a problem for their Mom & Dad. When it is seen that way, it's possible there is some emotional baggage that has not been worked through.

When technical terms become emotionally loaded for parents, they should be careful not to project that onto the child.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 05-21-2013 at 07:21 AM..
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Old 05-21-2013, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,901,239 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaded View Post
What are you talking about?
Huh? I thought it was pretty clear what I was talking about but I'd be happy to give you a more in depth explanation if you like to.
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Old 05-21-2013, 08:36 AM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,857,322 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Artful Dodger View Post
I've noted before that mom and dad never used qualifiers - just mother or father when referring to our other parents, and mom and dad for them. That was their choice of terms - perhaps because of their personalities and sureness in our relationships - but they did it with us privately and publicly. A few years ago when I took mom to a new specialist appointment the discussion with the doctor turned to family health history - two things happened - I reminded her of something that did run in her family she forgot to include, and in turn she told him about what ran in my family, and that my mother had passed away from it. Well the doctor got a strange look on his face as she had introduced me as her daughter, and she saw his look and started laughing and said her family of birth. Turns out he was a new AP and you could see the wheels turning in his head because it was perfectly natural for us, and really no qualifiers were required - because the relationship didn't require it.

As psr noted above - just because someone has passed away (or in the case of closed adoption - unknown (my addition not psr's)) doesn't mean they didn't or don't exist.
My parents were the same - they also just used "mother and father" without qualifiers. There was no confusion, I understood what they meant. Using the terms "mother and father" when talking about my other parents didn't take away from their own mother/fatherhood. I was probably about 6-7 at the age of first discussion and so was well aware that the nouns "mother" and "father" each have two definitions. I do call my aparents mum and dad - the usual term of affection by many people to the parents who have raised a child. I don't call my bmother mum because I never knew her. When speaking about her, I use her name, it makes it simpler all round. Btw my brother calls both his mothers "mum" - that is his right. Both mothers have played a nurturing role, one all his life, one during adulthood (he has been in contact with her for 20 years). Both his mums have no issue with it so it's no big deal.

As for the word "birthmother", it didn't come in until the 70s anyway. I use the term "bmother" online for clarification but in real life, I just use her actual name when talking about her. Actually, I don't think I heard of the word "birthmother" until 3 years ago when I did first come online.

I think with my parents using the word "mother", eg "your mother was an Australian" made me think of her as a human being - a person who had a difficult decision to make in regards to her baby's future. I think if they had used "birthmother", my 6-7 year old mind might have interpreted that as being like the surrogate mothers in the Boys from Brazil. Still, it is the usual term to be used on a combined adoption forum though I tend to use the shorter "bmother" or "bmom". I don't use "bmum" because it does look too much like another slightly shorter word lol.

On the whole, I don't stress out over the different words. All words have been used by different people at different times, both IRL and online, and it doesn't bother me. As long as no-one tries to tell me what words I use, then I'm OK. Every adoptee, in fact every person, has the right to refer to all their OWN parents, a or b, whatever they like. For some, their bparents don't deserve any title, and that is their right.
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Old 05-21-2013, 11:27 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Quote:
Originally Posted by susankate View Post
My parents were the same - they also just used "mother and father" without qualifiers. There was no confusion, I understood what they meant. Using the terms "mother and father" when talking about my other parents didn't take away from their own mother/fatherhood. I was probably about 6-7 at the age of first discussion and so was well aware that the nouns "mother" and "father" each have two definitions. I do call my aparents mum and dad - the usual term of affection by many people to the parents who have raised a child. I don't call my bmother mum because I never knew her. When speaking about her, I use her name, it makes it simpler all round. Btw my brother calls both his mothers "mum" - that is his right. Both mothers have played a nurturing role, one all his life, one during adulthood (he has been in contact with her for 20 years). Both his mums have no issue with it so it's no big deal.

As for the word "birthmother", it didn't come in until the 70s anyway. I use the term "bmother" online for clarification but in real life, I just use her actual name when talking about her. Actually, I don't think I heard of the word "birthmother" until 3 years ago when I did first come online.

I think with my parents using the word "mother", eg "your mother was an Australian" made me think of her as a human being - a person who had a difficult decision to make in regards to her baby's future. I think if they had used "birthmother", my 6-7 year old mind might have interpreted that as being like the surrogate mothers in the Boys from Brazil. Still, it is the usual term to be used on a combined adoption forum though I tend to use the shorter "bmother" or "bmom". I don't use "bmum" because it does look too much like another slightly shorter word lol.

On the whole, I don't stress out over the different words. All words have been used by different people at different times, both IRL and online, and it doesn't bother me. As long as no-one tries to tell me what words I use, then I'm OK. Every adoptee, in fact every person, has the right to refer to all their OWN parents, a or b, whatever they like. For some, their bparents don't deserve any title, and that is their right.

I agree that people have the right to use the words that work for them. Parents and adopted people alike.

Since my daughter has literally no connection to the woman who gave birth to her, that's how she refers to her. We don't have a name.

We do have a name for her foster mother, who cared for her for four months. We call her "Mrs. Woo" (not Wu - that is the Chinese form of the name, our daughter is Korean) because that is the name given to us by the adoption agency. We have her picture in my daughter's life book. She is holding our daughter and smiling. She looks like a devoted grandma.
She also took great pains to dress our baby daughter to be in traditional Korean attire and gave her a One Hundred Day Celebration. We also have pictures of that.

When DD came home, she sent the Korean outfit with a rattle that she liked. I thought it was sweet.
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