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Old 09-19-2013, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 571,050 times
Reputation: 649

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Has anyone adopted out frozen embryos? How did it work for you?

I have two wonderful boys as a result of IVF. The journey was long and difficult, but rewarding in the end.

I just received a noticed from the fertility clinic about the frozen embryos I still have in storage. I completely forgot about them! I feel bad about that, but now what do I do? They want me to decide on what to do. I have options. I could keep them in storage. I could terminate all or some of them (store the rest), move them to another facility, donate them to science, or donate them to another couple.

I can't afford to keep them in storage or any storage facility for that matter. I can't afford it. I am not going to use them for myself since I have all the kids I want, so storing any of them seems like a waste of money. I could terminate them, but again, all that hard work just to toss them? Seems pointless to me. So my affordable and personal choice options are to donate to science or to another couple. While I support science achievement, and I'd like to think I'm helping to cure a disease or advance scientific knowledge, helping another unfortunate couple gain the family they really want seems to be the right thing to do. I fully support adoption as I and my husband were both adopted ourselves. It just seems that I worked so hard to get these embryos that it only makes sense to help another couple and feel like I have done something good for someone else who has been through what I have. I got lucky that the IVF worked, but it doesn't work for everyone.

The question is, where do I donate them to? I have already contacted an adoption agency in California since that is a place my fertility clinic has had success with and is known to be easy to work with, but what about here in NC? I'm more open to open adoption than DH. He's OK with it, but doesn't really want contact until the child is old enough to look for us him/herself. Meanwhile, I'm good with the contact whenever it may happen, but I don't NEED the contact. I'm happy enough with letters and pictures. It's probably for the best anyway. We both are open to allowing contact at some point. We both had closed adoptions, and it worked out well for us, but I'm just too curious how things work out. If the adoption and implantation is successful, then I'd like to know how the baby (or babies) is/are doing as he and/or she grows up. I think it would be comforting. With that, it doesn't matter where they get adopted. The only thing is, if I get to the point where I have to select the parents, if it's in another state, I'll never get to meet them. Ideally, I'd like to meet them and talk with them. But, out of state, I'll only get pictures and a history of who they are. That may be enough, but I won't get a feeling of who they are. I'm comfortable enough with this not being available to me that if the place in California works out, I'll continue with the adoption using only pictures and information. I'm allowed to ask whatever questions and maybe I can talk over the phone (unsure of the phone thing, but I can do without that too)...I don't know, but I know that if I'm able to get my embryos adopted, I'll just make the best choice the best way I can. Even the best appearing couples may end up bad parents. I just have to trust my gut...This is getting WAY ahead of myself since I've only just made a phone call to get the information, but it's a BIG decision.

DH is worried what to tell our boys. He'd rather keep it quiet, but I think it's important to share. I saw what it did to my step-brothers when their full-blooded older sister walked back in their lives and they had no knowledge that she existed. They were very angry with their father. Their mother passed away, but I'm sure if she were alive, they'd feel betrayed by her too as they had shared some of their feelings about this with me. I don't blame them. I don't want that for my boys.

So sorry about the rambling, I am making this decision soon, and it's a BIG one! I want to do it right!
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:42 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,144,394 times
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My husband and I are very seriously considering it. In fact, he's going to call a clinic here tomorrow. By the way, most "embryo adoption" programs are completely anonymous, and the donor families have no say in who gets the embryos. The agency you're referring to (I know which one) is different and runs it as a normal adoption (along with charging way more money than a couple would pay for a normal "embryo adoption").
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Old 09-19-2013, 11:24 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,970,296 times
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If it were me I would want my sons to know the children/siblings produced with these embryos. I think it would be really healthy for everyone to know each other and grow up visiting each other now and then, writing letters, talking on the phone/internet. I am sure if you chose a couple in another state to adopt your embryos, they would be open to traveling to your state to meet you.
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Old 09-20-2013, 05:28 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,469 posts, read 43,438,848 times
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Yes I agree you are way ahead of yourself.
Personally I think you should just decide to let some other couple have them and let the clinic do the matching, etc. Trying to pick out a couple under these circumstances would be very stressful,
I have a feeling most couples who take another couples embryos would not announce that is what they are doing. Nor would they tell their children resulting from this gift they they were "adopted". I may be wrong but it seems so much different than baby adoption. Maybe not.
I'm sure there are many many couples all over the world faced with this problem and some articles are available to help you make your decision easier.

As far as NC. I would contact one of the many fertility clinics in the area for guidance. Are the embryos in Cal or N.C.? The couple wanting them would want them close to them so if they are in CA you would not see or have much contact with the parents or the child. But our society is extremely mobile so who knows.

If I was going to carry a donated embryo I don't think I would want contact with bio parents.

Google Embryo Adoption and you will find doens of sites and articles.

Here is one which stood out

http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forum...-donation.html
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Old 09-20-2013, 07:44 AM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 571,050 times
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I know with Embryo donation, you do not know who has the embryo. It's closed and you'll never hear about it again. The parents that get the embryo never hear about who the biological parents are. They get what they get and have no idea what their new baby is going to look like. With adoption, you gain the knowledge of what you as an adopting parent are getting. You'll have some idea of what the baby will look like, any health issues that may be passed along. The adoption is treated like any adoption where it can be closed, have minimal communication, a lot of communication, or a lot of contact and communication. The place matches adoptive parents to the biological parent based on what kind of communication and contact the biological parent needs. They aren't going to match the genetic parent with an adoptive parent that does not want the same thing. So if the genetic parent wants a lot of communication and a potential adoptive parent wants no communication at all, these two would not be matched and the genetic parent would not be viewing the adoptive parents' information. There are a surprising amount of people that are comfortable with high levels of communication. I'm not sure how much communication I want at this point other than some communication.

Broken Crayola: Thank you. I feel the same. I am adopted as well, and I am glad I got to know some of the people in my biological family. I wish I had known them as I grew up, but I am happy I got to know them at some point.

psr13: I am looking at Nightlight/Snowflakes right now. Is that where you were thinking? They let me keep the embryos here in NC where they are stored and they'll transport them when there is a match made. They have storage there in CA, but it's more expensive than here, and my facility will not charge me as long as they know that the eggs are being adopted or donated which is super nice for me! They are associated with Duke Hospital which is a great hospital here.
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Old 09-20-2013, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,469 posts, read 43,438,848 times
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I have three adopted Asian daughters. We know absolutely nothing about their genetic makeup, their biological parents, what they would eventually look like or possible health challenges. This is usually how international adoption is handled. And of course the biological family knows nothing about us. Many many families all over the world adopt this way- the way embryo adoption could be- and accept it. And these adoptions bring just as much joy as any other kind of adoption.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 571,050 times
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No kudzu: My adoption was like that. My husband's adoption was like that too. He knows less about his biological family than I do about mine other than the circumstances that caused him to be given up. It worked for us at the time, but I still think there's something good about an open adoption that makes me think it's a better choice for us.

Open adoption is our choice so I do not wish to debate whether open adoption is better than closed. It's a personal choice and both have their good and bad points. I don't really regret the way I was adopted, but that was the choice that was made at the time. It worked for my birth family as it did for my adoptive family. Open adoptions were also not really as well known at the time. It's a lot more popular right now and more is understood about it's benefits. Both now options are out there so people can choose which option works best for them. I choose open. My husband has chosen open. It may not be the choice you picked or maybe it was the only option offered to you. It still works great. If I didn't have the choice, I'd be happy enough. I still feel I'm doing the right thing by putting my embryos up for adoption regardless of how it's done. I AM, however, offered choices of how it's done and I choose open.

If my IVF were not to work out like it did, we were facing adoption. I was OK with either option of both closed and open at the time, so please, no need to try to talk me in to the benefits of a closed adoption. It's great! It works.
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Old 09-20-2013, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,469 posts, read 43,438,848 times
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Never in a million years would I presume to tell anybody what choice to me. Never. I was simply letting you know that it can be done anonymously and successfully. I am all for open adoption if it is what all parties want. Obviously international adoption is very different than domestic.
I think your choice is perfect for you. And I hope you look into some of the sites where folks discuss their feelings about it. It is such a personal decision but I think it is wonderful that embryo adoption is even possible and anybody who gives the gift of an embryo or baby deserves a great deal of credit for being so generous. Good luck.
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Old 09-20-2013, 04:08 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,144,394 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azile View Post
I know with Embryo donation, you do not know who has the embryo. It's closed and you'll never hear about it again. The parents that get the embryo never hear about who the biological parents are. They get what they get and have no idea what their new baby is going to look like. With adoption, you gain the knowledge of what you as an adopting parent are getting. You'll have some idea of what the baby will look like, any health issues that may be passed along. The adoption is treated like any adoption where it can be closed, have minimal communication, a lot of communication, or a lot of contact and communication. The place matches adoptive parents to the biological parent based on what kind of communication and contact the biological parent needs. They aren't going to match the genetic parent with an adoptive parent that does not want the same thing. So if the genetic parent wants a lot of communication and a potential adoptive parent wants no communication at all, these two would not be matched and the genetic parent would not be viewing the adoptive parents' information. There are a surprising amount of people that are comfortable with high levels of communication. I'm not sure how much communication I want at this point other than some communication.

Broken Crayola: Thank you. I feel the same. I am adopted as well, and I am glad I got to know some of the people in my biological family. I wish I had known them as I grew up, but I am happy I got to know them at some point.

psr13: I am looking at Nightlight/Snowflakes right now. Is that where you were thinking? They let me keep the embryos here in NC where they are stored and they'll transport them when there is a match made. They have storage there in CA, but it's more expensive than here, and my facility will not charge me as long as they know that the eggs are being adopted or donated which is super nice for me! They are associated with Duke Hospital which is a great hospital here.
This isn't true. At least from the clinics I've been looking at, you do have some information on the donors.

Yes, I was thinking of Nightlight.
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Old 09-20-2013, 05:43 PM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 571,050 times
Reputation: 649
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
Never in a million years would I presume to tell anybody what choice to me. Never. I was simply letting you know that it can be done anonymously and successfully. I am all for open adoption if it is what all parties want. Obviously international adoption is very different than domestic.
I think your choice is perfect for you. And I hope you look into some of the sites where folks discuss their feelings about it. It is such a personal decision but I think it is wonderful that embryo adoption is even possible and anybody who gives the gift of an embryo or baby deserves a great deal of credit for being so generous. Good luck.
OH!! LOL! The problem with online sometimes is it's hard to really read in to the mood of the post. Thank you! I appreciate that. I'm sorry I took that the wrong way.


psr13: If you are doing a closed adoption, you learn about the adoptive parents, and they learn something about the donors as well, and you hear nothing until the child is old enough to look if you, the donor, agree to be found after a certain age. But, that's just a closed embryo adoption. Embryo donation, as it was explained to me, is when your embryos get sent to a facility and the doctor there chooses the couples and they hear nothing about you other than the ethnic background and maybe a couple of other details that may effect the baby-to-be. The embryo donor hears nothing and knows nothing of the the embryos once they have left the building.
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