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View Poll Results: Views on closed adoption?
I am for closed adoptions. 13 30.23%
I am against closed adoptions. 27 62.79%
I do not have an opinion on closed adoptions. 3 6.98%
Voters: 43. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-05-2014, 09:54 PM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,973,010 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thatguydownsouth View Post
Oregon I agree wholeheartedly about details being made available at a certain age. And I definitely feel you on the genealogy issue. I watch commercials for ancestry.com and hear people talking about it and Im like....thats nice....Im white....thats about all I know.

Broken: What I meant was in Fl Id have to hope my birthparents also wish to reach out to me and sign up for the site as well. If you sign up for the registry they dont send any kind of alert to the birthparents letting you know that youre interested in meeting. You just enroll and also hope that they enroll.
I see, I didn't understand. That doesn't mean that you still cannot search. It is possible that your birthparents have no knowledge about signing up for the registry. When you search it is not only the birthparents that may "find" you. Often relative or even friends know about the adoption and look for that child once they become an adult.
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Old 01-05-2014, 10:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeneric13 View Post
It is such a tough situation... What if the mom really doesn't want to be found? I know, unfortunately, a few people who chose to terminate after news got out that some states were now opening sealed records. I believe that at least 2 of these women would have given the gift of adoption if there was absolutely no chance of being found.
The birthmother always has the choice of saying she doesn't wish to reunite. Yes, it would be very painful, especially for the adoptee, but she has that choice.
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Old 01-05-2014, 10:05 PM
 
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I am an adoptive parent, but I would never tell my daughter tha6t she was "chosen". I don't get that. Now if you travel to Romania or someplace, and you look through the children and choose a particular child (and I have known people that have done this), then I can see someone telling their child they were chosen, otherwise no. My daughter's birthmom chose us to be the parents of her baby, but we did not choose that particular baby. Do I feel it was meant to be? Yes, but I don't think it is fair to tell the child they were "chosen" under those conditions.
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Old 01-06-2014, 01:04 AM
 
9,905 posts, read 9,261,200 times
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We adopted our first child. Our attorney that handled the adoption suggested a 'sealed adoption' which I assume you are referring to as a closed adoption.

All records of her birth and the adoption records was removed and sealed. The birth certificate has my name and hubby as the parents. We were told at that time the records could only be opened with a court order and only by our child. So I guess if our daughter wanted this info she could go to family court and petition to open the adoption records.

I know all the records are gone because a few months after our adoption was final our case worker called and she needed info for her files and nothing was available in the family court records.

Our daughter has never inquired or asked about her adoption. I have asked her if she would like to find her biological parents and she always replies no. I would have no problem helping her with the family court to secure the records. But her dad is a different story, nope, she is our daughter.

My brother and his wife adopted a child too. Several years ago she decided she wanted to located her biological parents. She met the woman who gave birth to her and it was a hello, goodbye, don't bother me again. She met the man who provided the sperm and he wanted to borrow money from her and even introduced her to her brother. Unfortunately the brother needed money too. She never saw the three again.

I don't want my daughter hurt like my niece but I do think about things now like the health history of her biological parents.
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Old 01-06-2014, 05:02 AM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,851,299 times
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[quote]

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman View Post
We adopted our first child. Our attorney that
handled the adoption suggested a 'sealed adoption' which I assume you are
referring to as a closed adoption.

All records of her birth and the adoption records was removed and sealed.
The birth certificate has my name and hubby as the parents. We were told at
that time the records could only be opened with a court order and only by our
child. So I guess if our daughter wanted this info she could go to family court
and petition to open the adoption records.
Apparently, an adoptee can only do so if she/he is very ill and needs urgent medical history.

From your member name, I am assuming you are from North or South Carolina - it looks like there are more options in NC than SC.

Quote:
Our daughter has never inquired or asked about her adoption. I have asked
her if she would like to find her biological parents and she always replies no.
I would have no problem helping her with the family court to secure the records.
But her dad is a different story, nope, she is our daughter.
Some are curious, some aren't. Some may be both non-curious and curious during different times of their lives. It is a mostly personal thing and their way of dealing with the situation. It is not a reflection on anybody.

Having said tha, aparents do have to be careful not to "lead" their child in a particular direction - not that I think that is the case in your case, you sound like you are very fairminded, but just saying in general, because adoptees can often be protective of their aparents and not want to hurt them.

Quote:
My brother and his wife adopted a child too. Several years ago she decided
she wanted to located her biological parents. She met the woman who gave birth
to her and it was a hello, goodbye, don't bother me again. She met the man who
provided the sperm and he wanted to borrow money from her and even introduced
her to her brother. Unfortunately the brother needed money too. She never saw
the three again.

I don't want my daughter hurt like my niece but I do think about things now
like the health history of her biological parents.
One thing that I think a searching adoptee should do first is get non-ID info which is often able to be obtained from one's state whether they have sealed recods or non-sealed records. That can sometimes give an insight into one's bparents.

My information sheet re my bmother was very accurate and when I discovered a cemetery record for someone with her name, the info sheet did help me to confirm that it was the right person. However, the info my parents received from the SW at the time of the adoption was a little bit less accurate (though not too far off re actual bmom, the reasons for adoption was not quite accurate) - same with my asiblings.

My bmother died a very long time ago so I am only in touch with extended family but I am very fortunate because they are lovely and so now I would say I have expanded my family

I would like to think that my bmother would have been open to contact if she had lived long enough - my relatives say she was a very kind person and so I like to think that kindness would have extended to me. Still, who knows.
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Old 01-06-2014, 12:44 PM
 
428 posts, read 396,733 times
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I am in the opinion that all adoptive children should have easy access to whatever information their birth family may choose to disclose to them. A close relative of mine who was adopted would like to obtain any health info her birth family may have disclosed, but as of now this is not a possibility. Why? Because hers was a closed adoption during a year which her state made it near impossible for adoptees to gain this info. The only way she has a chance of finding anything out is if her adoptive parents would give her info about the details of her adoption (agency and court used, etc.). Then she could fill out an application and send it to the state (along with a $60 processing fee) and if her birth family left medical history or whatnot, she'd receive it. But her adoptive parents refuse to give her this info. I think they are being selfish and the state's law is being unreasonable.
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Old 01-06-2014, 03:22 PM
 
Location: S. Florida
1,100 posts, read 2,650,762 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thatguydownsouth View Post
I want to know what others opinions are on closed adoption. This is an adoption where the child is not allowed to know who their parents are without going through EXTREMELY difficult loops, if at all possible.

1. Are you an adoptee? NO

2. Are you a parent who adopted their child? NO

3. Are you a parent who adopted a child? YES

4. What are your views on closed adoptions? MIXED (I will explain below)

Background: I was adopted a few weeks after being born in a closed adoption. I love my adoptive parents and they have truly made me feel like I was their own genetic child. However there is definitely a void in my heart knowing that I will never be able to know who my family really is. Parents arent the only people in a family. I have a brother out there somewhere according to what little documents I was given. I have aunts, uncles, grandparents, family history, genealogy, stories, medical conditions....all of which I will never know about unless I sign up with the Florida registry and my adoptive parents ALSO happen to sign up, even though they specified that they do not want me in their life. In time time and age where you can find out anything and everything about total strangers, its very strange to me that you are blocked, by the government, from knowing who your genetic family is.

Thoughts?
My husband is from the closed adoption era. He was born in in 1965 in PA. His adoption records are still sealed. It is unfair and frustrating not to know your birth family and extended family. The only reprieve we may have is for medical reasons. Our son has Tourette's Syndrome, and it does not come from my side of the family. However, we need money for a lawyer. So that will take some time..

Our daughter was adopted from birth (2004) through an open adoption plan. We met her birth mom, birth dad, full blooded siblings, Aunts, Uncles, cousins and grandparents (from the birth mother side only). So it was a really cool experience!! In fact, I am friends with her birth mom, birth sister, her Aunt and Uncle (birth mom's siblings) and a cousin on face book.

It's been awesome to see who my daughter looks like, her history, having access to her medical records, etc. In turn, they can all see how my daughter is growing up. I have been complimented over and over again about how well she is being loved and raised.

Now, on the flip side of open adoption, my daughter's birth mom had a VERY difficult time separating herself from my daughter. At one point, I felt like we were co-parenting. I also had to have a conversation with her more than once and ask her point blank if she wanted to parent her daughter.

But we got through that. She went to counseling and we both said we were committed to doing the best for my daughter. She is available any time I have questions and or concerns...I will never un friend her or not take her calls.
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Old 01-07-2014, 02:38 AM
 
16,487 posts, read 20,973,010 times
Reputation: 16165
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolinaWoman View Post
We adopted our first child. Our attorney that handled the adoption suggested a 'sealed adoption' which I assume you are referring to as a closed adoption.

All records of her birth and the adoption records was removed and sealed. The birth certificate has my name and hubby as the parents. We were told at that time the records could only be opened with a court order and only by our child. So I guess if our daughter wanted this info she could go to family court and petition to open the adoption records.

I know all the records are gone because a few months after our adoption was final our case worker called and she needed info for her files and nothing was available in the family court records.

Our daughter has never inquired or asked about her adoption. I have asked her if she would like to find her biological parents and she always replies no. I would have no problem helping her with the family court to secure the records. But her dad is a different story, nope, she is our daughter.

My brother and his wife adopted a child too. Several years ago she decided she wanted to located her biological parents. She met the woman who gave birth to her and it was a hello, goodbye, don't bother me again. She met the man who provided the sperm and he wanted to borrow money from her and even introduced her to her brother. Unfortunately the brother needed money too. She never saw the three again.

I don't want my daughter hurt like my niece but I do think about things now like the health history of her biological parents.
When you adopt a baby/child in the US a new birth certificate is always made and you and your husband's name is put on it, that is normal. Adoption records from court are always sealed. No one is allowed to be in the courtroom other than people directly involved in the adoption. Don't you have any information yourself on the birthparent's like names, location, age, hospital where birth was, etc.?
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Old 01-07-2014, 06:53 AM
 
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As a birth mother, no, closed adoptions are not "fair" to adoptees. A person has a fundamental right to know where they came from. Open access to records should be the norm for all states.

I think we need to keep in mind the distinction between being allowed access to one's own records and having ongoing contact with one's biological family. Any person has the right to state that they do not want a relationship or ongoing contact with another person. This goes both ways. This extends beyond adoption into everyday life.

I do believe that the biological parents have an obligation to answer any and all questions an adoptee may have about medical issues, genealogical/ancestral information, and how their adoption came to be. This is more of an ethical/moral issue than a legal one.

The question of whether or not a birth mother wishes to be found is moot at this point in time. Unless no one, and I mean no one, knows of a mother's pregnancy (including OBGYN, friends, family, etc.) and she drops her baby off using the safe haven laws, chances are the mother is going to be found at some point. Even the most closely guarded secrets eventually surface. Also, just because a mother is "found" does not mean she is obligated to maintain ongoing contact with her child. The same laws that guard the general populace against stalking and harassment apply to birth mothers and adoptees.

As a birth mother, I was never promised legal anonymity, nor did I request it.
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Old 01-09-2014, 08:50 AM
 
Location: Wake County, NC
352 posts, read 571,138 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thatguydownsouth View Post
I want to know what others opinions are on closed adoption. This is an adoption where the child is not allowed to know who their parents are without going through EXTREMELY difficult loops, if at all possible.

1. Are you an adoptee?

2. Are you a parent who adopted their child?

3. Are you a parent who adopted a child?

4. What are your views on closed adoptions?

Thoughts?
I am an adoptee. I was also a result of a closed adoption. However, my birth family did state they were open to contact after I became an adult at 18. I was always told I was adopted by my adoptive family, but I never felt the need to go searching. I was always curious however about where I came from and any part of my history that I am unaware of (medical, etc...). When it became obvious I was going to marry my boyfriend, I decided I needed to search. He was adopted too and from the same city, so I didn't want to run the risk he was a relative. Thank goodness, there was no chance at that! When I looked in to the agency who I was adopted through, they had information for me. My nationality was very different (we didn't look alike, but you never know..cousins could have been possible), from his (his adoptive family had remembered some details about his birth mother). My husband was unable to find anything since his mother did not want to be found and her name was not on any adoption registry.

I am glad I found out some information about myself. I even met my birth father, maternal grandmother and cousin. As well as a few uncles on both sides. There was a lot of history that I am now aware of and I am happy to have that. My husband feels a bit conflicted as you seem to be as he is unable to find out anything other than what was already known about his birth mother.

On the other side, I'm adopting out my frozen embryos. I have chosen an open adoption. Yes, there's a chance none of the embryos will grow, but if they do, I want to know I have helped another family fulfill their dreams of being a complete family with kids. I like the idea of an open adoption because it lets me know a little about who will be raising the potential children I worked hard to create (6 miscarriages and 2 IVF treatments are no picnic!). I'd like to see how the family is doing and see their child grow up. I'd like to let the child know I am available if he or she or both want to know a little bit about their background so it's not a mystery. There has been some research on whether contact with the birth family is better or a closed adoption is, and it shows less stress on the child and more confidence in the child who has all the information and a connection with their birth family. There is no confusion on who is the parents. The parents are the ones to raised them and (in the case of an embryo adoption...birthed them) and not the people who created them. I will not be that child's mother. My husband is not the child's father. I don't want any more kids. My husband does not want contact until the child is 16. I'm good with earlier, but I want to make everyone comfortable. I will also have to discuss this with my own two boys. I do not keep secrets from anyone.

So I'm a fan of open adoptions. You can have as much contact or as little contact as desired and agreed upon. Closed adoptions give little to no choice of contact and often leaves regret.

My step father had a closed adoption when his former wife and he had a child before marriage. He adopted her out and wanted no contact later. She found him a few years ago somehow. She contacted him and it rocked the family up. His two sons had no idea they had a full-blooded older sister and my mother had no idea there was anyone out there. She felt he should have told her. My mother understands adoptions as she adopted me, but she felt she was a bit side-swiped. My step-brothers were angry with their father for not telling them and there was a bit of a grudge from that. Things have settled, but it was a bit tense for a while. Having a closed adoption and then meeting up later in life often can lead to a rocky reaction. It was easier when I met my birth family since they wanted the contact, but my birth father began to regret his decision so he cut me off. I respected that. I was not there to interfere with his life and I left him alone. It brought up some painful memories with my cousin and my maternal grandmother...more so with my cousin. I don't talk to them now as my presence became hard for them. But, the experience was good for both sides.

Just know that if you do make contact, go slowly and on your birth family's speed. Don't take their reactions personally because this is very hard for them as well. Keep your adoptive family in mind as it may be hard for some of them to swallow. My aunt and my brother were sensitive about it, but were supportive. I had to tread lightly and I did. My mother and father were both supportive about it regardless of their concerns. It made the entire experience rewarding for me.
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