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View Poll Results: Views on closed adoption?
I am for closed adoptions. 13 30.23%
I am against closed adoptions. 27 62.79%
I do not have an opinion on closed adoptions. 3 6.98%
Voters: 43. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-02-2014, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,103 posts, read 4,282,384 times
Reputation: 10056

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I want to know what others opinions are on closed adoption. This is an adoption where the child is not allowed to know who their parents are without going through EXTREMELY difficult loops, if at all possible.

1. Are you an adoptee?

2. Are you a parent who adopted their child?

3. Are you a parent who adopted a child?

4. What are your views on closed adoptions?

Background: I was adopted a few weeks after being born in a closed adoption. I love my adoptive parents and they have truly made me feel like I was their own genetic child. However there is definitely a void in my heart knowing that I will never be able to know who my family really is. Parents arent the only people in a family. I have a brother out there somewhere according to what little documents I was given. I have aunts, uncles, grandparents, family history, genealogy, stories, medical conditions....all of which I will never know about unless I sign up with the Florida registry and my adoptive parents ALSO happen to sign up, even though they specified that they do not want me in their life. In time time and age where you can find out anything and everything about total strangers, its very strange to me that you are blocked, by the government, from knowing who your genetic family is.

Thoughts?
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:53 PM
 
3,072 posts, read 4,282,985 times
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I'm not an adoptee or adoptive parent, but we're exploring it.

I'm sorry you struggle with closed adoption, that must be very hard. I think a lot of it comes from the reality that some babies will not be given for adoption if not done anonymously, therefore it is a safety issue for babies.
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Old 01-03-2014, 01:29 AM
 
16,482 posts, read 21,103,952 times
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OP, how old are you? If you are an adult you would not need your adoptive parents to sign up for the registry. If you are not an adult I think you should wait until you are.

I am an adoptive parent. We adopted our daughter at birth. I have been with her since the day she was born, and she is now 12. She knows she is adopted and doesn't ever ask about her birth parents/family, but if she did I would answer her whatever she wanted to know. I have an open adoption with her birthmother. I send photos to her birthmom and we talk on the phone a couple of times a year and text now and then. I always keep track of where she is, which is a job in itself because she has moved many times since my daughter was born. My daughters birthfather died years after she was born. Open adoption has worked for us. I was worried at first that the birthmom would show up at our front door or demand to see or talk to our daughter, but nothing like that ever happened. I understand why some people choose closed adoption, and in some cases, like many international adoptions, the agencies know almost nothing themselves, so they are naturally closed. I chose open adoption because I had a friend that placed a baby at birth and regretted it and was very sad about it for many many years. Once that child turned 18 my friend wanted to find the daughter she placed but did nothing. I began searching and 2 years later I found her. I didn't want my child to have to go through years of searching and decided I would keep in touch so that she would never have to go through that.
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Old 01-03-2014, 10:22 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,729 posts, read 28,795,949 times
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I am an adoptee and I have no right to ever know who I am. I don't get to know who I am related to or what my ancestors did. On my medical history, I get to fill in "unknown" in all the blanks, and so does, incidentally my own son because I have no information to give him. My own child also is born with no right to ever know who his family is on his mother's side.

I know I have an older sibling and I will never get to meet them and they might not even know I exist.

I don't get to do any genealogy research like all my friends are doing.

On the open adoption thing, I have a cousin who has had a great deal of trouble with it. She adopted a child in an open adoption and the birth mother is a doper who hangs out with drug dealers and bikers, and the adopted daughter wants to spend some of her time with her birth mother. It's an unhappy situation all the way around.

Last edited by Jaded; 02-11-2014 at 02:14 AM..
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Old 01-03-2014, 11:00 AM
 
Location: Florida
4,103 posts, read 4,282,384 times
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Oregon I agree wholeheartedly about details being made available at a certain age. And I definitely feel you on the genealogy issue. I watch commercials for ancestry.com and hear people talking about it and Im like....thats nice....Im white....thats about all I know.

Broken: What I meant was in Fl Id have to hope my birthparents also wish to reach out to me and sign up for the site as well. If you sign up for the registry they dont send any kind of alert to the birthparents letting you know that youre interested in meeting. You just enroll and also hope that they enroll.
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Old 01-03-2014, 03:13 PM
 
Location: Portland, Oregon
543 posts, read 1,003,586 times
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I am an adoptee from a state that had only closed adoptions, but then opened them. I knew about my adoption from the time I was a small child and was told that I was "chosen".. whatever that meant.

When I grew older and was curious to know about my background, I felt at first that searching for my biological parents would somehow take away from the parents who raised me. My duriosity over-rode that concern and also my Mom gave me the adoption agency's info so I could start my search.

Finding out my background because I wanted the health info was how it started. After I wrote to the agency, I got a call a week later asking if I was sitting down. I was told that I had two brothers... one of whom had written the agency a few years before giving permission to send his contact info to any of his siblings should we be searching. It wasn't long before I actually met my two siblings who had also been given up for adoption. It was the first time in my life to be in a room with people sharing my DNA (except for my children). It was extremely emotional. Later, we agreed to look for our birthMom... and we found her as well.

She was an interesting character who only dated married men because she didn't want any attachments. She had other interesting attributes of how she looked at the world and we did all meet her.

Was it worth it? Absolutely! I did get some medical history information that put me more at ease about the family's health history.

Still in touch with one of my brothers... The other one didn't ever call us.. we were always calling him. Soon we decided that it takes two sides to continue.. so we stopped and haven't heard from him since.
Our birth mother passed away a few years ago.

This experience helped resolve some issues and bring closure to that chapter.

Finally
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Old 01-03-2014, 04:29 PM
 
177 posts, read 351,561 times
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It is such a tough situation... What if the mom really doesn't want to be found? I know, unfortunately, a few people who chose to terminate after news got out that some states were now opening sealed records. I believe that at least 2 of these women would have given the gift of adoption if there was absolutely no chance of being found.
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Old 01-04-2014, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Camberville
12,045 posts, read 16,786,314 times
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It's a tough situation all around. At the very least, I strongly believe in allowing SOME kind of access for medical purposes. But even being raised by biological parents doesn't necessarily help - my dad was raised by his biological mother but does not know anything about his father (even his name). At this point, the father is likely long dead and his mother has passed away. It's something that is still difficult for both my dad and myself. We both have health issues, some of which point to genetics as an issue, and we would love to know what might be up the pike so we can prepare.

My boyfriend's father was adopted through a closed adoption. His father had 4 children with my boyfriend's mom. The first was put up for adoption because the couple was 14. My boyfriend and his 2 little sisters SHOULD have been put up for adoption, but instead ended up in the foster care system due to physical abuse and their parents' drug problem. The parents both died before the kids came of age. Now, my boyfriend is only 30 and has advanced glaucoma (something that is more typically found in the elderly or African American communities). This likely came from his father's line, but my boyfriend was had no idea this was coming. Perhaps he would not have built a career as a professional photographer if he had known.

We're also running into serious issues finding his brother because the biological parents are dead. The agency hasn't been much help. There doesn't seem to be much recourse for siblings of adoptees - we don't even know his name. And it's not likely that his bio brother knows that he had younger full siblings. My boyfriend has a certified genius level IQ with a photographic memory, but has struggled due to the abuse he faced both by his bio parents and in foster care. His younger sisters are both very smart, but they might have had even a worse time of it and both struggle with homelessness. He's never really become a "normal" adult, despite his ability to do great things. My boyfriend wants nothing of his brother of course, but I would like to see what someone from that gene pool was able to accomplish growing up with a normal childhood. Maybe it would even help inspire my boyfriend. I think it's hard for him knowing that he has a sibling out there that he can never "know". It might also be good for his older brother to see that no matter what issues he might have with his adoptive parents (and hopefully none, but we all have issues with our parents), he was much better off there than the alternative.
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Old 01-05-2014, 06:38 AM
 
1,879 posts, read 1,864,566 times
Reputation: 1462
Quote:
Originally Posted by aliss2 View Post
I'm not an adoptee or adoptive parent, but we're exploring it.

I'm sorry you struggle with closed adoption, that must be very hard. I think a lot of it comes from the reality that some babies will not be given for adoption if not done anonymously, therefore it is a safety issue for babies.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeneric13 View Post
It is such a tough situation... What if the mom really doesn't want to be found? I know, unfortunately, a few people who chose to terminate after news got out that some states were now opening sealed records. I believe that at least 2 of these women would have given the gift of adoption if there was absolutely no chance of being found.
The truth is that one of the reasons open adoption is so popular these days is because when numbers dropped really low, adoption professionals realised that if bmothers knew what would happen with their child, they would be more likely to place their child for adoption. I do think open adoption is a good thing but is often used as a hook to encourage women to place.

Also, with DNA, anyone who wants to remain anonymous for ever better not have biological relatives that are interested in genealogical matters and things like FamilytreeDNA. It's not much use having a confidential adoption if one's brother or sister has submitted their DNA to FamilytreeDNA and/or 23andme and end up in contact with the adoptee.

Btw I got my OBC in 1987 and decided to leave it up to my bmom - 20 years later, I googled her name and found she had passed away back in 1980 - I was always going to be too late. It took me another 4 years to decide how and with whome to make contact in the remainder of the extended family and that took a lot of time and though. Now I'm in contact with extended family, I am very considerate of their feelings. I've yet to meet an adoptee or even friendly with any online who hasn't thought long and hard about making contact and the possible repercussions.

In fact, I would actively dissuade anyone from making contact until they are at emotionally ready and able to accept whatever they find. Keep expectations in check. One is making contact with "relative strangers" (pun intended.)

The following is an article (by a bmother) about her own particular reunion - however, I've mainly attached it because of the advice at the bottom from authors of an adoption reunion guide.

A Delicate Balance | Adoption Information from Adoptive Families Magazine: Domestic, International, Foster and Embryo Adoption Resources

Last edited by Jaded; 02-11-2014 at 02:19 AM.. Reason: Thread not about sealed records
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:27 PM
 
12,246 posts, read 9,910,942 times
Reputation: 15862
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatguydownsouth View Post
I want to know what others opinions are on closed adoption. This is an adoption where the child is not allowed to know who their parents are without going through EXTREMELY difficult loops, if at all possible.

1. Are you an adoptee?

2. Are you a parent who adopted their child?

3. Are you a parent who adopted a child?

4. What are your views on closed adoptions?

Background: I was adopted a few weeks after being born in a closed adoption. I love my adoptive parents and they have truly made me feel like I was their own genetic child. However there is definitely a void in my heart knowing that I will never be able to know who my family really is. Parents arent the only people in a family. I have a brother out there somewhere according to what little documents I was given. I have aunts, uncles, grandparents, family history, genealogy, stories, medical conditions....all of which I will never know about unless I sign up with the Florida registry and my adoptive parents ALSO happen to sign up, even though they specified that they do not want me in their life. In time time and age where you can find out anything and everything about total strangers, its very strange to me that you are blocked, by the government, from knowing who your genetic family is.

Thoughts?
I can only speak for my husband who is adopted. He always knew who his parents were.
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