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Old 06-06-2014, 11:13 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,560 posts, read 28,516,440 times
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Every adoptee knows that their birth mother didn't want them, and that their birth mother's family didn't want them.

That does leave a wound, but I don't personally know any adoptees who feel anger towards the adopting parents because of it. Nor any that have anger towards the birth mother. Many repeat the platitudes that are supposed to make it all feel better, so I guess they believe them.

OP, if your brother and his wife were as good of parents as you believe them to be, then the daughter's anger is probably some other sort of mental health issue and not the adoption.
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Old 06-06-2014, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,483 posts, read 43,636,396 times
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It is not at all uncommon for mothers and daughters to be at odds regardless of adoption or biology. It seems to be par for the course.

When we adopted our first daughter her older step sister was in high school. She wrote in the baby book "Hope you don't turn out to be a Mommy Hater". At the time she and her mom were constantly at each other's throats and it lasted this way for a long long time. i think it is just too easy for people to hang mother daughter issues on the adoption nail.
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Old 06-07-2014, 05:28 PM
 
393 posts, read 503,911 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Sorry, this is kind of long...This is about my adopted neice. My adopted nephew has no such issues.

My brother and his wife adopted their daughter 31 years ago and their son 28 years ago. They told both the kids at an early age that they were adopted. They told them they'd support them if they wanted to find their birth parents. Neither were ever interested, and still aren't as far as anyone (but them) knows.

[...]

She got along ok interacting with people as a child, but once she became an adult, she went through many relationships poorly, friends, boyfriends, co-workers, etc. My sister in law helped her through these issues and was nothing but supportive of her. My brother left most of the women's talk up to the women and some of it was very petty. He did put his two cents in about more major issues, so I would never call him non-supportive.

After many boyfriends, my niece finally met and married the man of her dreams. After one small altercation with her mother (very trivial), she wrote her mom a long letter accusing her of always being demanding, controlling, non-supportive, and all kinds of horrible things. My sister in law went to a specialist at adoptions counseller and was told by her that the wrong person had come to see her, that it was her daughter that needed to talk to a counsellor, not her.

They are now not talking at all (daughter and son in law's choice), and everything has gone to **** as far as family relationships.

My questions
1) if you are an adoptee, who was raised in a loving, supportive home, with two parents who love you to the moon and back, do you have any residual anger and deep resentment issues about being given up by your birth parents? Did you ever lash out at your parents because of this?

2)Do you feel you were abandoned? Do you think that now my niece is married, she feels she doesn't need her "adoptive parents"?

Needless to say, my brother and his wife are devastated and heartbroken. I keep feeling that our niece's main issue, is feeling angry about being "abandoned" and she's taking it out on her adoptive parents, (mainly her mother) but maybe I am wrong. Thoughts?
She's 31, could it not be the reverse that the controlling part is true on your SIL's part? If you were not present for the altercation whether, or not, it was trivial is unknown. She's married, she's an adult, she may not look kindly at being told what to do as if she was still a child - and some "mommies" have a problem ever seeing their daughter grow up - yet you might never see that side of the relationship. I think it is kind of sad that you are willing to assume the best of your SIL, and the worst of your niece, unless, or until, you have heard both sides with openness to actually listen.

Q1 - I did have challenges with being adopted but I wouldn't say it was anger - more hurt that I wasn't worth fighting for (because that is what parents are supposed to do) - yet I always clearly understood the why's - yet children sometimes have a hard time melding the real world adult reasons with their heart feelings. No, I never lashed out, or were angry at mom or dad, but then I wasn't angry at any of them as I noted above. I'm sure I used the "you aren't my real mom" card a time or two as a child, but I don't remember it...

Q2 - yes, it did play into every single relationship I have had, it was a work in progress, but I have decades long relationships so it's a process, not a life sentence. Things like that can play havoc with your self-esteem, and expecting to be left. And may be a potential reason why she had relationship issues because it's easier to get relationships over with, and be the first to walk away because then it doesn't hurt so bad.

Talk to your niece, be open, be willing to hear both the good, and the bad, because no one in the this world could be the perfect parent and not have any faults. Your niece is an adult, respect her as such. Good luck.
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Old 06-07-2014, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,313,220 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
My questions
1) if you are an adoptee, who was raised in a loving, supportive home, with two parents who love you to the moon and back, do you have any residual anger and deep resentment issues about being given up by your birth parents? Did you ever lash out at your parents because of this?

That's a really loaded way to state the question, I hope you realize that. But anyway, yes, I DID have lots of issues and resentment about my adoption that took me years to deal with. It wasn't until I was in my late twenties, my own kids were growing up, and I started learning to let go of the past that things got better. For the record, my story is similar to your niece/nephew - brother and I are both adopted (different b-parents), brother had no problems with adoption or adoptive family, has never expressed any interest in searching. Me, not so much.

2)Do you feel you were abandoned? Do you think that now my niece is married, she feels she doesn't need her "adoptive parents"?
Yes, I DID feel abandoned, and for a long time. Even after I found my birth parents and learned my story, I felt very abandoned because I'd missed out on their great extended family too. No family is perfect, but I felt theirs was better.

Needless to say, my brother and his wife are devastated and heartbroken. I keep feeling that our niece's main issue, is feeling angry about being "abandoned" and she's taking it out on her adoptive parents, (mainly her mother) but maybe I am wrong. Thoughts?
Not to be too argumentative, but I do have to say a few things: Unless you were living in their house, you have no idea what kind of parents they were in private, and whether or not they did treat their kids differently. My adoptive parents are very loved in my community and were well-loved by my friends, but in private my mother was strict and controlling, and uber-religious. She had separate rules for me and my brother that I felt were very unfair. Our relationship has always been difficult, even now.

And yes, relationships between mothers and daughters are often difficult, we're all aware of that. But sometimes adult children carry deep resentment that has never been dealt with and it affects their adult relationships. When you stat things like it was a "privilege" for them to grow up there - well, maybe that's what she was told and she never felt like she could feel or express resentment because she was so "privileged."

Does the niece need therapy? Probably. Does the mom need to acknowledge that she wasn't the perfect parent (because no one is)? Probably.
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Old 06-14-2014, 07:57 PM
 
Location: Funkotron, MA
1,204 posts, read 3,088,844 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
My questions
1) if you are an adoptee, who was raised in a loving, supportive home, with two parents who love you to the moon and back, do you have any residual anger and deep resentment issues about being given up by your birth parents? Did you ever lash out at your parents because of this?
Never. I was too young to know or remember my biological parents when I was adopted. So the people who adopted me are my parents. It's all I know. They told me I was adopted from a very early age, but it was like saying "you have brown eyes". It didn't really mean too much.

30+ years later, it still doesn't mean that much. My parents are my parents. I just don't think about it much.

I am sometimes curious about my biological mother, but haven't really made any effort to contact her.


Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post

2)Do you feel you were abandoned?
Nope. My parents said my biological mother was young and wanted to give me to a good family that would care for me and love. Since I was too young to remember my biological mother, there was no feeling of abandonment or anything. Of course, it may be a different story if the kid was in foster homes until 5 or 6 years old.
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Old 06-16-2014, 04:11 AM
 
Location: Canada
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Thank you for all your answers. The thing that gets me is that their daughter threw out all kinds of accusations at such an older age, out of the blue. Never did she express these until now which started as soon as she got engaged. It just gives me the idea that her fiancé (now husband) is behind a lot of it. Controlling? Jealousy? Wanting the strings loosened because his family is not as close and supportive?

Until that time of the first altercation, she relied heavily on her mom to help her with any issues going on in her life.

If she didn't respect her mom's POV and assistance, then why ask? Why seek the help and ask for her mom's opinion on everything if she didn't like hearing the answers?

Also, for years, (since her early 20's) she had a very well paying job that could have provided her with a nice apartment or house if she'd wanted. If she was that unhappy, why didn't she just not move out to get away from this "terrible situation?" It is just confusing to all who know the story.

There was just never an indication until now, of all that was boiling underneath.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:45 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,982,402 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
Thank you for all your answers. The thing that gets me is that their daughter threw out all kinds of accusations at such an older age, out of the blue. Never did she express these until now which started as soon as she got engaged. It just gives me the idea that her fiancé (now husband) is behind a lot of it. Controlling? Jealousy? Wanting the strings loosened because his family is not as close and supportive?

Until that time of the first altercation, she relied heavily on her mom to help her with any issues going on in her life.

If she didn't respect her mom's POV and assistance, then why ask? Why seek the help and ask for her mom's opinion on everything if she didn't like hearing the answers?

Also, for years, (since her early 20's) she had a very well paying job that could have provided her with a nice apartment or house if she'd wanted. If she was that unhappy, why didn't she just not move out to get away from this "terrible situation?" It is just confusing to all who know the story.

There was just never an indication until now, of all that was boiling underneath.
Regarding the bold...I think you've nailed it with these two comments. That's why I said earlier it could be her husband.

Sometimes people who have not been around adoption cannot fathom how an adopted child can be so close to a mother/parents they are not biologically connected to. Especially when they are not close to their own biological parents. I would not be surprised if he's jealous of her relationship with her parents and is trying to drive a wedge between them. Your niece might be too naïve to realize what's going on, but she may figure it out sooner than you think.
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Old 06-23-2014, 07:31 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,604 posts, read 23,161,280 times
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I can answer as a parent of a daughter who was adopted at four months of age.

Permit me to say that she in no way feels "unwanted" by the young woman who gave birth to her. She knows that the pregnancy that resulted in her birth was accidental. The girl was not ready to parent. Nothing personal. Termination of pregnancy is not available in South Korea. The pregnant girl had two choices - to raise a baby that the was unprepared to raise, or to make an adoption plan.
My daughter doesn't take it personally.

In answer to your question, no. I have had no huge problems with my daughter along the lines that you mention. Ninth grade was a little bumpy at times, but nothing that was out of the ordinary for early adolescence.

Our daughter will be a senior in high school. She is a loving and affectionate young woman. She is close to both of her parents and to her brother. She's an honors student, senior class secretary, cheerleader and a member of the swim team. She has many close friends, does volunteer work and plans to be an attorney.

I think people jump to quickly to he conclusion that adoption is the fault of any behavioral or psychological issues.
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Old 06-27-2014, 01:53 PM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
9,352 posts, read 16,793,130 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
Every adoptee knows that their birth mother didn't want them, and that their birth mother's family didn't want them.

That does leave a wound, but I don't personally know any adoptees who feel anger towards the adopting parents because of it. Nor any that have anger towards the birth mother. Many repeat the platitudes that are supposed to make it all feel better, so I guess they believe them.

OP, if your brother and his wife were as good of parents as you believe them to be, then the daughter's anger is probably some other sort of mental health issue and not the adoption.
As an adult adoptee who has known my entire life that I was adopted, I can say with certainty that you could not be more wrong in your assessment bmothers and bfamilies not wanting the child....

It is the ultimate sacrifice to give up a child to ensure it a better life than would be possible with the bmother and bfamily.....
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Old 06-29-2014, 10:09 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,604 posts, read 23,161,280 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by latetotheparty View Post
As an adult adoptee who has known my entire life that I was adopted, I can say with certainty that you could not be more wrong in your assessment bmothers and bfamilies not wanting the child....

It is the ultimate sacrifice to give up a child to ensure it a better life than would be possible with the bmother and bfamily.....

I could not agree more! That is how my daughter feels. She has respect for her bmom's choice. People make mistakes. My daughter's bmom did not compound her mistake by keeping her baby.

We wish her a beautiful life!
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