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Old 08-31-2014, 04:10 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,912,995 times
Reputation: 2106

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I came across a Facebook page a while back and I donít know quite what to think about it but my initial reaction is that itís pretty troubling. Iím curious what other people think of it.

The page is run by an adoption agency that in addition to doing international adoptions also facilitates adoptions of kids that are being disrupted by their first adoptive family. They use the page to find new adoptive homes for the kids by posting their pictures and a short description and asking people to share the post on their pages.

Knowing how severely some of these kids have been hurt and the problems they have as a result of it I understand why some adoptive families decide to disrupt. Sometimes itís the only option for the safety of others and maybe the kid himself. I know many of these families feel very alone and lack support which has sometimes lead to the kids being put in risky situations. So in that sense this agency is probably providing a needed and useful service for both the kids and the families. I donít have an issue with the program itself. But I do have issues with how itís being run. To me it comes across as reckless, irresponsible, disrespectful and a huge disservice to the kids.

The kids are pretty much being advertised on their Facebook site like animals in shelters are. They have a cute pic and a nice sounding profile that make them seem lovable. These ads do seem to have the desired effect as a lot of people comment to say how much they would love to adopt this beautiful child and give them a loving home. As troubling as it is to advertise kids this way the fact that the ads are misleading is troubling me more.

These kids are not bad kids in any way Ė theyíre victims Ė but they usually have severe emotional and behavioral problems that are extremely challenging for the best parents. The ads, however, make the kids sound like something theyíre not and if problems are mentioned at all they are minimized. Nowhere in these ads is there any hint of the extreme difficulties these kids have.

I assumed, though, that the lack of info was due to not wanting to divulge too much info publically. So, wanting to know more about this agency, I emailed them, telling them I was looking to adopt and asked for more info about two girls who were posted on their FB site. They got back to me quickly with more rosy descriptions and minimizing problems. They did give details about their problems but made it sound like itís not a big deal and something that would be fixed in the right environment. They said of one of the girls as having a habit of ďpokingĒ her own and other childrenís butts due to something she had learned in the orphanage. What she did was molesting other kids but they called it ďpokingĒ. The fact that they send this information, along with a picture of the kid, to a perfect stranger on the internet is also troubling in itself.

They went on to say that I didnít need any parenting experience, special training or skills to parent these kids but recommended that I read books about older child adoptions. They also told me that they donít offer any kind of help post adoption. They just facilitate the adoptions. They told me that the practical arrangements are made between the first family and the new one and that there is usually no transition period Ė the kid just moves in as soon as the adoption can be finalized, usually in 2-3 months or so.

To me all of this is setting both the kids and potential parents up for failure. The people that look to adopt these kids arenít thoroughly informed about what they are in for and a lot of these people donít want to adopt these kids because they want to help them or anything like that. They turn to adopting from disruption because they canít afford other kinds of adoption or donít want to wait.

Having people with these motivations adopt these challenging kids without much info, very quickly with no professional help and no post adoption services is, imo, plain irresponsible. Of course people should do their own research but a lot of people are emotionally invested, often naÔve and not aware of their own limits so to ensure that the kids arenít heading for another disruption I think the agency should make sure that the parents are 110% aware of what they are getting into.

You hear the parents of kids with RAD and other problems so often say that they were lied to before they adopted or problems were minimized. Those who disrupt often point to a lack of support and help post adoption as being part of the problem. Knowing all this why would the agency not ensure that the new families have what the first families didnít so they have the best chance of success they can have?

Not doing that almost makes any good theyíre doing null and void. What do you think? Is what theyíre doing a good service or reckless and unethical? Should it even be legal? Iíd love to hear what other people think of all this.
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Old 08-31-2014, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,169,608 times
Reputation: 3889
A lot of the time, another family truly is what is needed, and this is the best way to find a new family. Also, I find it hard to believe the agency is painting a rosy picture when the child really is a molester. I've requested information on a child on that site before and was painted anything but a rosy picture. That site is NOT misleading, and anyone who knows how to read them knows what the kid's main issues are in the current family. They can't legally or ethically go on there and post so and so has sexually assaulted biological siblings (but no one else) in the past.
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Old 08-31-2014, 03:18 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
1,105 posts, read 2,912,995 times
Reputation: 2106
Quote:
Originally Posted by psr13 View Post
...and anyone who knows how to read them knows what the kid's main issues are in the current family.
I think that's the key - "anyone who knows how to read them". The problem is that not everyone knows how to read them and will just pick up on descriptions of a kid who loves to play with legos and help mom in the kitchen. How many people don't think that their love will be enough and with some help the kid will be just fine? How many of these initial adoptive families didn't think so? How many haven't said that the aoption agency or the orphanage wasn't completely honest about the child's problems and lead them to believe they were less severe and more manageable. You'd like to think that people do thorough research about the kids they're adopting but how often haven't you heard stories of parents adopting kids who have spent years in an institution that know nothing about the issues that causes? There is a little girl on that site right now whose family was overjoyed to get her home, at age 11 after years in institutions, but "it didn't work out like they expected" and the girl was placed in foster care in just a few months.
There are tons of comments that say things like "what a beautiful angel, I would love to be her mommie", "She would be perfect for my family. We can go shopping and ride horses", etc. They don't sound like the well educated, skilled and realistic families that these kids need. This agency even told me that someone with no parenting or even child experience with a full time job and no knowledge of special needs would be a suitable parent for a pre-teen girl with severe behavioral issues and just recommended some books! Does that sound responsible to you?
Out of curiosity of how they operate I wrote up an email making myself sound very naive, inexperienced with very unrealistic expectations with a busy lifestyle with no support - basically the worst possible person to adopt any older child. If I worked for that agency and got an email like that I would at the very least try to educate such a person to help them get a more realistic view of what these adoptions are likely to be like. But instead they encouraged me and told me that I would make a suitable parent. All I had to have was a current home study and we were good to go. Had I been that person with a finished home study they would have done that child a huge disservice placing her with me. And they don't even allow the kids a chance to meet the new parents. They just move them in asap because they want the placement to happen as fast as possible.
And what if something goes wrong after adoption? What if a new family wasn't all that was needed and things go horribly wrong? Is there any services set up? Any support? Does the agency ensure that the family has access to help should it be needed? No, they don't. I really don't think that's responsible. I think it's the opposite.
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Old 08-31-2014, 06:51 PM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,987,015 times
Reputation: 2365
Believe it or not, pictures and video clips of hard to place children are very effective in obtaining homes for these youth. It's actually only these types of cases where pictures and videos are used. Most people who take the time to research adoption know that these children will likely have issues.

If a family believes they can help, it's up to them to prepare themselves for that child. You say they told you that you didn't need parenting experience? Well, technically, you don't. However, before the state issues a person/family a home study approval trust me, you'll have to take minimum parenting classes, etc. as part of the process. Legal Adoptions require state and federal approval...courts and attorneys, as well as social workers are all involved.

The agency you mentioned sounds like a facilitation agency and not a full adoption agency. There is a difference. In that respect, they are acting responsible to the goal they have set for themselves to help place or re-place hard to place children.
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Old 08-31-2014, 07:10 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,169,608 times
Reputation: 3889
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
I think that's the key - "anyone who knows how to read them". The problem is that not everyone knows how to read them and will just pick up on descriptions of a kid who loves to play with legos and help mom in the kitchen. How many people don't think that their love will be enough and with some help the kid will be just fine? How many of these initial adoptive families didn't think so? How many haven't said that the aoption agency or the orphanage wasn't completely honest about the child's problems and lead them to believe they were less severe and more manageable. You'd like to think that people do thorough research about the kids they're adopting but how often haven't you heard stories of parents adopting kids who have spent years in an institution that know nothing about the issues that causes? There is a little girl on that site right now whose family was overjoyed to get her home, at age 11 after years in institutions, but "it didn't work out like they expected" and the girl was placed in foster care in just a few months.
There are tons of comments that say things like "what a beautiful angel, I would love to be her mommie", "She would be perfect for my family. We can go shopping and ride horses", etc. They don't sound like the well educated, skilled and realistic families that these kids need. This agency even told me that someone with no parenting or even child experience with a full time job and no knowledge of special needs would be a suitable parent for a pre-teen girl with severe behavioral issues and just recommended some books! Does that sound responsible to you?
Out of curiosity of how they operate I wrote up an email making myself sound very naive, inexperienced with very unrealistic expectations with a busy lifestyle with no support - basically the worst possible person to adopt any older child. If I worked for that agency and got an email like that I would at the very least try to educate such a person to help them get a more realistic view of what these adoptions are likely to be like. But instead they encouraged me and told me that I would make a suitable parent. All I had to have was a current home study and we were good to go. Had I been that person with a finished home study they would have done that child a huge disservice placing her with me. And they don't even allow the kids a chance to meet the new parents. They just move them in asap because they want the placement to happen as fast as possible.
And what if something goes wrong after adoption? What if a new family wasn't all that was needed and things go horribly wrong? Is there any services set up? Any support? Does the agency ensure that the family has access to help should it be needed? No, they don't. I really don't think that's responsible. I think it's the opposite.
They won't pick just any family for the kids. The family that previously adopted the kids and the agency know what type of families to look for. You didn't describe the worst person to adopt an older child, by the way. In your fake e-mail, you said you have no children? That's often what they're looking for with these kids. (Also, you have to pass that home study in the first place.)
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Old 08-31-2014, 07:34 PM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,169,608 times
Reputation: 3889
By the way, those ones leaving the cutesy comments are not the families being chosen for the children. The worst families for these kids are usually families with young kids or a lot of kids. Usually the top family would be one that has parented but the kids are all grown. The next family would be either one with older kids or no kids. Having past experience parenting isn't necessarily the end all be all because parenting these kids will be vastly different from parenting a "typical" child.
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Old 09-08-2014, 12:19 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,987,015 times
Reputation: 2365
Quote:
Originally Posted by psr13 View Post
By the way, those ones leaving the cutesy comments are not the families being chosen for the children. The worst families for these kids are usually families with young kids or a lot of kids. Usually the top family would be one that has parented but the kids are all grown. The next family would be either one with older kids or no kids. Having past experience parenting isn't necessarily the end all be all because parenting these kids will be vastly different from parenting a "typical" child.
Very true. In truth, one's previous parenting experience may make it harder for him/her to parent one if these children because they will likely not be able to use ANY of the techniques they used on their children.
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Old 09-10-2014, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,185 posts, read 15,027,476 times
Reputation: 18249
Sometimes, I still visit the adoption photolistings for our state after seeing a child of the week. In either the TV or newspaper article, absolutely nothing is listed that is not really positive about the child but if you go to the photolisting, the little red flags pop-up if you are experienced in reading them and I am as I have read probably hundreds and followed up on many. The agencies are looking for anyone that might have an interest in a particular child and if you make contact, you will get more info and if that child isn't right for you, they can help you find one that is. They just want to find some possibilities that might work with the right supports in place. We adopted an infant with special needs from a private agency through a woman that facilitated adoptions for that particular special need. We met the baby one day, returned to pick him up the next and two weeks later got the medical records and family history - our worker had told us not to leave with the baby before seeing the medical records and family history but, well............ I sincerely believe they withheld the records on purpose to give us time to attach to the baby. It was a religious agency and they desperately wanted to find a family for the baby. They were praying for a home for the baby and we were praying for a child to adopt. I don't blame them for what they did but at the same time................. Twenty eight years have passed now. Anybody entering the world of adoption needs to educate themselves to the max. Kansas has a traveling photo gallery of children that are available for adoption through the state and they showcase at malls around the state. It has really helped to get children into permanent homes.
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Old 09-10-2014, 07:00 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,678 posts, read 23,252,262 times
Reputation: 48872
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizita View Post
I came across a Facebook page a while back and I donít know quite what to think about it but my initial reaction is that itís pretty troubling. Iím curious what other people think of it.

The page is run by an adoption agency that in addition to doing international adoptions also facilitates adoptions of kids that are being disrupted by their first adoptive family. They use the page to find new adoptive homes for the kids by posting their pictures and a short description and asking people to share the post on their pages.

Knowing how severely some of these kids have been hurt and the problems they have as a result of it I understand why some adoptive families decide to disrupt. Sometimes itís the only option for the safety of others and maybe the kid himself. I know many of these families feel very alone and lack support which has sometimes lead to the kids being put in risky situations. So in that sense this agency is probably providing a needed and useful service for both the kids and the families. I donít have an issue with the program itself. But I do have issues with how itís being run. To me it comes across as reckless, irresponsible, disrespectful and a huge disservice to the kids.

The kids are pretty much being advertised on their Facebook site like animals in shelters are. They have a cute pic and a nice sounding profile that make them seem lovable. These ads do seem to have the desired effect as a lot of people comment to say how much they would love to adopt this beautiful child and give them a loving home. As troubling as it is to advertise kids this way the fact that the ads are misleading is troubling me more.

These kids are not bad kids in any way Ė theyíre victims Ė but they usually have severe emotional and behavioral problems that are extremely challenging for the best parents. The ads, however, make the kids sound like something theyíre not and if problems are mentioned at all they are minimized. Nowhere in these ads is there any hint of the extreme difficulties these kids have.

I assumed, though, that the lack of info was due to not wanting to divulge too much info publically. So, wanting to know more about this agency, I emailed them, telling them I was looking to adopt and asked for more info about two girls who were posted on their FB site. They got back to me quickly with more rosy descriptions and minimizing problems. They did give details about their problems but made it sound like itís not a big deal and something that would be fixed in the right environment. They said of one of the girls as having a habit of ďpokingĒ her own and other childrenís butts due to something she had learned in the orphanage. What she did was molesting other kids but they called it ďpokingĒ. The fact that they send this information, along with a picture of the kid, to a perfect stranger on the internet is also troubling in itself.

They went on to say that I didnít need any parenting experience, special training or skills to parent these kids but recommended that I read books about older child adoptions. They also told me that they donít offer any kind of help post adoption. They just facilitate the adoptions. They told me that the practical arrangements are made between the first family and the new one and that there is usually no transition period Ė the kid just moves in as soon as the adoption can be finalized, usually in 2-3 months or so.

To me all of this is setting both the kids and potential parents up for failure. The people that look to adopt these kids arenít thoroughly informed about what they are in for and a lot of these people donít want to adopt these kids because they want to help them or anything like that. They turn to adopting from disruption because they canít afford other kinds of adoption or donít want to wait.

Having people with these motivations adopt these challenging kids without much info, very quickly with no professional help and no post adoption services is, imo, plain irresponsible. Of course people should do their own research but a lot of people are emotionally invested, often naÔve and not aware of their own limits so to ensure that the kids arenít heading for another disruption I think the agency should make sure that the parents are 110% aware of what they are getting into.

You hear the parents of kids with RAD and other problems so often say that they were lied to before they adopted or problems were minimized. Those who disrupt often point to a lack of support and help post adoption as being part of the problem. Knowing all this why would the agency not ensure that the new families have what the first families didnít so they have the best chance of success they can have?

Not doing that almost makes any good theyíre doing null and void. What do you think? Is what theyíre doing a good service or reckless and unethical? Should it even be legal? Iíd love to hear what other people think of all this.

I think that you are referencing Wasatch Adoption's "Second Chance Program".

No, I do not think that they are irresponsible. I think that they are filling a need. There are some adoptions that do not work out. There are parents, both by birth and by adoption, who were not cut out to parent. More parents by birth fall into this category. Fact not opinion.

As another poster said, if one reads between the lines of the text, it is obvious that the child was never at fault. Placement of an older child into a megafamily comprised of severely physically disabled children might not work out.

Not many people can't see through that.

When it comes to displaying photographs of children, I am all for it. Study after study has proven that prospective adoptive parents are much more likely to commit to to a child - if they have a visual image.

I think that Wasatch is doing a good thing and fulfilling a much needed niche in the adoption world.

If people are interested in adopting older children who are usually from other countries, and desire a relatively inexpensive adoption - I would recommend Wasatch.
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Old 09-13-2014, 09:40 PM
 
43,012 posts, read 92,318,555 times
Reputation: 30387
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
There are parents, both by birth and by adoption, who were not cut out to parent. More parents by birth fall into this category. Fact not opinion.
Please cite your source for the bolded part of this fact.
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