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Based on a comment I made on another thread, I thought it might be helpful and insightful to engage other adoptees who are also parents. Has being an adoptee impacted how you approach parenting? Has becoming or being a parent raised any feelings related to your adoption?
I was already reunited with my first families before having my children. So my children were not the first people I ever saw who looked like me or who were related to me by blood. But I'll never forget those early moments in the hospital after my oldest son was born. As I held him in my arms, I cried and cried as I thought about how my own mother had held me just twice before leaving the hospital with empty arms. I couldn't imagine the pain and heartache she must have endured. Because I couldn't imagine leaving the hospital without my beautiful son. It was the first time that I truly understood what she and I went through and what our initial separation had done to us both. Very emotional for me. That initial parenting experience of acknowledging my own loss and that of my mother has definitely shaped how I've approached raising both of my children.
Looking forward to sharing and hearing from other adoptees who are parents.
I have a question for adoptee parents. If you were adopted at an older age, did it ever feel weird to hold your baby? I'm not a parent yet, but even in babysitting or social situations, I always feel so weird about holding babies because I was never held, so I feel awkward about it--like it just doesn't come naturally to me. Or maybe there are plenty of biological kids who feel the same awkwardness, in spite of having been held by their own parents? I don't know, but I'm curious to know if any other adoptees get that same feeling.
I have a question for adoptee parents. If you were adopted at an older age, did it ever feel weird to hold your baby? I'm not a parent yet, but even in babysitting or social situations, I always feel so weird about holding babies because I was never held, so I feel awkward about it--like it just doesn't come naturally to me. Or maybe there are plenty of biological kids who feel the same awkwardness, in spite of having been held by their own parents? I don't know, but I'm curious to know if any other adoptees get that same feeling.
Nim, this is a really interesting question. It is my hope that some of our fellow adoptees might be able to address it. I shared my own story of holding my son in the first post. I'm curious as to how you *feel* when you hold a baby. Do you think of yourself as a baby at all? Or do you kinda consider the baby to be unfamiliar perhaps? Given your personal narrative, I could definitely understand how being an adoptee might imapct your interactions with babies.
I was adopted as an infant so my interactions with babies (even my own as I shared in the original post) have been loaded with adoption stuff from that perspective. I would imagine there must be a correlation of some kind to those of us who were adopted at an older age.
I have a question for adoptee parents. If you were adopted at an older age, did it ever feel weird to hold your baby? I'm not a parent yet, but even in babysitting or social situations, I always feel so weird about holding babies because I was never held, so I feel awkward about it--like it just doesn't come naturally to me. Or maybe there are plenty of biological kids who feel the same awkwardness, in spite of having been held by their own parents? I don't know, but I'm curious to know if any other adoptees get that same feeling.
I can only speak to the bolded part.
My best friend (not adopted) is terrified of babies. When I and our other friend had our first babies, she would hold them like they were made of glass, and only ever sitting down. She is completely terrified that she will drop them, break them, hurt them, or otherwise mess up. And she's also admitted that she doesn't really care much for babies, either, although she loves preschoolers and school-age kids (she works in daycare with those age groups). I don't think she's ever going to have children, so her perspective doesn't impact her life, really, but it is interesting.
Oh, and she has been this way her whole life (we've been friends since we were toddlers). It's not a new development, and she's never been able to get over it. The only babies she has ever really held and felt affection for are those of her good friends, and even then, she's really nervous around the babies.
I know people like that too that are just not comfortable with babies. I think some people are just like that. My husband has had two of his own babies but he's still really awkward with small kids. He holds babies like he's holding a log or something.
Then I have a friend who was adopted at age 3 from a Guatemalan orphanage where she had been since she was a baby and she's great with kids. She's got two of her own now and she's one of those who is a natural super mom. Maybe it's just a personality thing. I don't know.
I have a question for adoptee parents. If you were adopted at an older age, did it ever feel weird to hold your baby? I'm not a parent yet, but even in babysitting or social situations, I always feel so weird about holding babies because I was never held, so I feel awkward about it--like it just doesn't come naturally to me. Or maybe there are plenty of biological kids who feel the same awkwardness, in spite of having been held by their own parents? I don't know, but I'm curious to know if any other adoptees get that same feeling.
A close friend of mine, not adopted, always felt awkward holding babies. She also could not tell babies apart; for example, she could not identify her best friend's baby when another woman was holding her. And when she held someone else's baby and the baby farted, she went into a panic and held her out away from her body like a ball yelling, "somebody take this baby! She's doing something!" But, when she had her own, she did OK.
My BIL, not adopted, also did not want to hold his own children, two his bio kids, one my adopted niece. He said he was uncomfortable holding them while they still had "floppy heads".
I don't think your discomfort has anything to do with your adoptive history, I was always fine holding babies, but I think it's because I am the fourth of seven children and I had to care for baby siblings as a young child.
My husband is an adoptee and wanted to adopt. But, my good friend is also an adoptee and it was very important to her to have that biological connection with another person. Maybe it differs by gender or just by individual?
My husband is an adoptee and wanted to adopt. But, my good friend is also an adoptee and it was very important to her to have that biological connection with another person. Maybe it differs by gender or just by individual?
I think there are all kinds of reasons. Only adoptees will have the adoptee-related ones though.
Based on a comment I made on another thread, I thought it might be helpful and insightful to engage other adoptees who are also parents. Has being an adoptee impacted how you approach parenting? Has becoming or being a parent raised any feelings related to your adoption?
I was already reunited with my first families before having my children. So my children were not the first people I ever saw who looked like me or who were related to me by blood. But I'll never forget those early moments in the hospital after my oldest son was born. As I held him in my arms, I cried and cried as I thought about how my own mother had held me just twice before leaving the hospital with empty arms. I couldn't imagine the pain and heartache she must have endured. Because I couldn't imagine leaving the hospital without my beautiful son. It was the first time that I truly understood what she and I went through and what our initial separation had done to us both. Very emotional for me. That initial parenting experience of acknowledging my own loss and that of my mother has definitely shaped how I've approached raising both of my children.
Looking forward to sharing and hearing from other adoptees who are parents.
I haven't read through the entire thread yet, but I wanted to quickly respond to your original post. I could have written the part I have bolded here. Oh my goodness, those days in the hospital holding my firstborn and realizing that my mother left the hospital without her baby were transforming for me.
I sobbed for my mother.
I sobbed for myself.
I sobbed for the "baby" me, not knowing if I had been held or simply left in the nursery.
And then I sobbed for her some more, because I finally understood what she had lost and it broke my heart.
I never knew my bio parents. i was adopted at only 3 days old.
I found out I was pregnant at only 16, to the dismay of my parents,
and I was issued two choices.
Put the baby up for adoption, or move out with the father.
My mom came to me secretly and told me I should have an abortion.
The adoptive mother who loved me, yet was the most self righteous
religious person I had ever known.
I was determined to have my baby and marry the father.
Nothing was going to seperate me from my child. i would do whatever
it took to keep him.
The answer was no, and I got married at 16.
He was born just after my 17th birthday.
He had my eyes, and was my life from his first breath.
The feeling of holding him is not explainable, you just have to be adopted
to understand. i was looking at the first person in the face of the earth
who was actually realted to me. A part of me, forever.
i now have 3 adult children. Every one looks like me, LOL!
I think it fills a void in my life, truly, because i wil probably never meet
any bio relatives during my lifetime.
My children are extremely special to me in a deep way, I can't explain it.
They are me.
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When I and our other friend had our first babies, she would hold them like they were made of glass, and only ever sitting down. She is completely terrified that she will drop them, break them, hurt them, or otherwise mess up. And she's also admitted that she doesn't really care much for babies, either, although she loves preschoolers and school-age kids (she works in daycare with those age groups). I don't think she's ever going to have children, so her perspective doesn't impact her life, really, but it is interesting.
