We wanted to adopt from US foster care but... (meeting, baby, birth mother)
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...everything I thought I knew about the foster system. Each story in foster is unique.
Here is point #1 in all of this. Each situation is unique. Just as each child that needs love is unique. Each parent that is damaged or ravaged by addiction, mental illness, or personal demons is unique. After years of foster children in our home, two adoptions, and starting support groups for foster parents we are fairly well versed in the system, the players, and the outcomes. It is not what you see on the 9 pm news most of the time. It is damaged people that are in over their heads and the kids need a safe place to go and be loved.
Point #2 is that most of the families that lose their children to adoption will not seek a relationship and will not be part of the kids lives. The pain for the parents to know they failed and see the kids with another family is usually far too great for them to continue a relationship. It simply does not happen very often once the termination of parental rights has occurred.
In cases like TWIS is describing, that is a failure on many levels. Someone in the schools, in the medical world, or in social services should have seen these signs and been able to intervene. The community as a whole failed to protect the children, and that cannot be laid entirely at the feet of the social services system.
To the OP - I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully you can find a way to raise additional children and care for them. In the meantime, painting the foster and domestic adoption care system with such a broad brush is very damaging and gives a very poor outlook for anyone considering it. Please consider that your experience and how you feel may not be indicative of the system as a whole.
For anyone wishing to consider either foster care or adoption, I encourage you to talk to the local coordinators and discuss with them what you feel you can do. I can assure you it is by far the most rewarding - and difficult - thing I have ever done. The two (additional) smiles I get when I get home each day make it all worthwhile though.
I wouldn't ever defend "the system" because I know how broken it is. But I was NEVER EVER discourage people from adopting those innocent children who have been through hell and back in it. I think its sick to do that. Fine, its not for your family...but it doesn't mean it isn't a good on honorable way to build a family.
Here is point #1 in all of this. Each situation is unique. Just as each child that needs love is unique. Each parent that is damaged or ravaged by addiction, mental illness, or personal demons is unique. After years of foster children in our home, two adoptions, and starting support groups for foster parents we are fairly well versed in the system, the players, and the outcomes. It is not what you see on the 9 pm news most of the time. It is damaged people that are in over their heads and the kids need a safe place to go and be loved.
Point #2 is that most of the families that lose their children to adoption will not seek a relationship and will not be part of the kids lives. The pain for the parents to know they failed and see the kids with another family is usually far too great for them to continue a relationship. It simply does not happen very often once the termination of parental rights has occurred.
In cases like TWIS is describing, that is a failure on many levels. Someone in the schools, in the medical world, or in social services should have seen these signs and been able to intervene. The community as a whole failed to protect the children, and that cannot be laid entirely at the feet of the social services system.
To the OP - I wish you all the luck in the world. Hopefully you can find a way to raise additional children and care for them. In the meantime, painting the foster and domestic adoption care system with such a broad brush is very damaging and gives a very poor outlook for anyone considering it. Please consider that your experience and how you feel may not be indicative of the system as a whole.
For anyone wishing to consider either foster care or adoption, I encourage you to talk to the local coordinators and discuss with them what you feel you can do. I can assure you it is by far the most rewarding - and difficult - thing I have ever done. The two (additional) smiles I get when I get home each day make it all worthwhile though.
False, false, false. Look, I agree that in many, many cases biological parents are given WAY too many chances and the children suffer at the hands of the system. I've also seen SO many wonderful, beautiful families formed through foster care. And every single one was younger than 5 at placement. I don't know where you live but I promise you in Hawaii, Colorado, Ohio and Maryland your statements are not true. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences. There is no doubt the U.S. is in desperate need of having the entire foster care system overhauled. But please don't scare away potential foster/adoptive parents with such sweeping generalizations. The children cannot afford it.
Add Alabama to that list, too. Of course, just look at adoptuskids.org and find a number of younger kids.
Just looked - 360+ kids under the age of 10 ready and available for adoption.
Add Alabama to that list, too. Of course, just look at adoptuskids.org and find a number of younger kids.
Just looked - 360+ kids under the age of 10 ready and available for adoption.
How many are sibling groups? Most of the younger kids come with older siblings. I do look at the website from time to time. Also, in the past, I called and got background information. The majority of these children need experienced parents and many need to be in places with certain kinds of services. There are children with severe mental, physical and emotional needs. Do they still have restrictions on adopting children of a different race? Also, some have to be the only child in the home, some have to be the youngest child in the home.....................
The other thing is, we went through the "adoption maze". Many agencies were not willing to adopt out-of-state even though the description stated that and you only learned that if and when they would return your call. I cannot tell you how many calls were never returned despite calling back more than once. Our situation is not unusual and I know that for a fact.
Most of the situations mentioned here where a younger child was adopted was a fost/adopt situation. Also, people willing to take black children are more easily placed. At the time we were trying to adopt in the beginning we were told that it was not being allowed at that time and we ran into a similar problem in another state regarding a Hispanic child. And, then, when a child has any part American Indian, that creates another block.
When you start reading the profiles of children, the detailed ones, well, it is really a shock. I have read them. I have read about their birth parents and their living situations.
I lived this as have many others. I also know that homes that take in foster children and have the deranged birth parents show up on their doorstep which was one reason we didn't venture into fost/adopt.
Anyone adopting a child from the system needs to read the book that I referenced. Love is not the cure all. Those children that make the national listing do so for a reason. It is unfortunate but it is the reality.
The children have no voice. The parents aren't doing their jobs, they can't protect themselves, they are CHILDREN. They need someone to protect them, THEM, not the POS parents.
I am so sorry Three Wolves that you had to go through all of this. I have tears streaming down my face reading your post. I agree completely that children need someone to protect them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12
Again. I find this almost unbelievable. However as you know, I do believe you.
You are so brave to speak out as you have.
She is brave. It is painful to believe that their are children that live horrific lives. It is just not right.
Add Alabama to that list, too. Of course, just look at adoptuskids.org and find a number of younger kids.
Just looked - 360+ kids under the age of 10 ready and available for adoption.
A thumbs up that I wish I did not have to give. I'll add Alabama. Already tried Florida, NY. NJ. PA. CA and Ohio.
They keep trying to reunite these kids with people who don't care about them - or care about the money they get from having them.
By the time they are available, age 10 is on the young side. Try 12. Try 17. I am not being mean but I can't adopt a child who is taller than my wife and daughter and likes to set fires and hurt animals. This is scary.
ALL states seem to favor the birth parents. This system needs to be re-worked.
All these...stories....my SIL fostered a few older children -...but the staff knew they wanted a baby or toddler to adopt. Within 16 months they were placed with D who was 5 months....and the adoption was final a year later. No contact with the mother needed....nothing.
That is why I take most of these stories with a grain of salt..... I guess if you only want a white newborn it's an issue...but then you probably aren't most interested in raising a child.
This was the exception to the rule. If not, please tell us what state this happened in.
NOT AL, AR, CA, NY, FL. OH, NJ PA ..or most states.
Let us know where this state is. We want to know. They must care a lot for their kids.
This was the exception to the rule. If not, please tell us what state this happened in.
NOT AL, AR, CA, NY, FL. OH, NJ PA ..or most states.
Let us know where this state is. We want to know. They must care a lot for their kids.
Both of my children were adopted out of foster care (AL). One came to us at 8 months, the other came straight from the hospital after a 28 day stay in the NICU.
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A thumbs up that I wish I did not have to give. I'll add Alabama. Already tried Florida, NY. NJ. PA. CA and Ohio. 
