U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-27-2015, 12:02 PM
 
1,831 posts, read 2,191,936 times
Reputation: 2818

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by warren zee View Post
I guess that these were unique situations. You still don't mention if contact with your children's families are mentioned.
No contact.
Quote:
Maybe things like this happen - once in a blue moon. The norm in most foster adoption situations is a child who has been hurt terribly in many ways and is a pre-teen or teen. And, most of these adoptions will still require the adoptive parents to have contact with some biological relatives - who are usually unsavory.
I have friends who have adopted children of similar ages to mine through foster care, too, so it is not all that rare. As far as requiring contact post adoption, I don't know of any. TPR severs rights for all biological family. Now, if the kids are older, they may want to maintain a relationship with some of their relatives. That isn't my situation, so I can't address it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-27-2015, 12:03 PM
 
6,467 posts, read 1,299,799 times
Reputation: 16433
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rynldsbr View Post

We adopted two children (separately) in WI through foster care system, both came to our home straight from the hospital. Bio parents were not capable of caring for them, period. No horrific abuse. No drug addictions. No dramatic or bizarre stories to relate. Simply not capable to raise them so they needed to be placed out of home. Even though they arrived straight from the hospital, the adoption was not final for almost five years for one and two and a half for the other.
Excellent entire post, but I just quoted the above paragraph because I would like to know why it took so long for the adoptions to be finalized? Did the bio parents appeal or fight to keep the kids?

I am just curious because with our two kids, the time from first removal from their bio mom to termination of her parental rights took "only" about 18 months even though there was a LOT of drama and reasons for the removal and termination of her rights. (In short, she was a promiscuous and drug-addicted felon who had severely neglected her kids.) And then, even though any rational judge would not allow her to keep her kids, she appealed, anyway -- which added another 15 months before we were allowed to adopt them. Still, even with the appeal, our kids were foster kids for "only" about two years and nine months.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-27-2015, 03:09 PM
 
Location: East TX
2,090 posts, read 2,018,615 times
Reputation: 3188
Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post
Excellent entire post, but I just quoted the above paragraph because I would like to know why it took so long for the adoptions to be finalized? Did the bio parents appeal or fight to keep the kids?
Our situation involved a DA that decided not to do ANY cases with TPR since they are "messy" and unappealing for an elected official. The special prosecutor hired by the county then had to start a case from ground zero two years in, then Mom got pregnant again, then had to deal with inadequate documentation due to turnover in the social services agency. All combined was challenging but effective in the end once handled by a competent and willing attorney.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-30-2015, 02:27 AM
 
Location: Out West
22,621 posts, read 16,743,701 times
Reputation: 26196
Quote:
Originally Posted by psr13 View Post
CA does have younger kids, but they hardly ever make it to the website "stage". Only a fraction of the kids in CA who are more or less "available" for adoption make it on the website, and one of the big reasons is that kids here are not legally available for adoption until they're already in their adoptive home. Technically all cases are considered legal "at-risk" cases, and they are more protective of the kids because of this. (I'm not supporting CA or the terribly system here but just explaining this issue.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by psr13 View Post
That's not at all what I was saying. CA doesn't terminate parental rights until the child is already in the adoptive home and has been in said home for at least six months. It doesn't at all mean that they are still working toward reunification, though. They only do it to prevent adults who have no legal parents because of having parental rights terminated and not getting adopted.
I can tell you what happened on my side, and then I'll tell you what happened for my parents. I was finally told that in a conversation with my mom when I was 25.

I was in the state of CA. Obviously this wasn't last year, or the last 10 years, but not much has changed in CA. At one point, I was put in to a foster home. I don't remember a whole lot about it, except for a garbage truck outside my window one morning. Seriously, that's really all I remember. I was then put back in to the bio home. Apparently beating me in the face with my own baby bottle when I was 5 months old, or breaking my arm by throwing me across the room when I was 2 was not enough of a reason to get me out of that home. They continued to try to keep me in that home.

The final straw was when a social worker came over for a visit, to check on things. She knew something wasn't right, so called the police. The police came over, and that's when they found me locked in the closet where I had been locked in for four months. (There was evidence of this that I do not feel like going in to on a public forum.) See, one of the conditions for the bio mom to keep all of us was that she had to stay away from the bio dad. He was not allowed to be in the home, around us kids. Well, she didn't want to do that, and kept allowing him back in. She didn't care one whit what happened to us. Oh she'll tell you today that she did "everything" that she could to protect us, but that's a lie.

So the cops are there, swarming the place. I actually have a memory from that day. Bio mom was arrested, they had to chase after bio dad and he was arrested. While they were in the slammer for being the biggest piles of ..... parents, bio mom decided to go ahead and relinquish all rights to me. She once again played her victim card. She stated, and it's on record, that because of that trip I took to the foster home two years before, it was my fault that I didn't "love her as a mother". Poor, poor bio mom. That's what she said, what really was going on was that she didn't want to be detained any more, and that was how she got out of being detained. It was all self serving.

Bio dad sat in the clink for awhile longer, and it took him even longer to give up those rights. That's the kind of person he is, will NEVER admit that he did anything wrong. But, again, to get out of that cell, he finally signed me over.

If they had not done that, I would have been put right back with them. How do I know this for sure? Because I was the only one who got adopted. All of my other siblings were put right back in with them. The older brothers were not abused physically. They were definitely abused mentally/emotionally. There's a very long, rather detailed report that I have, about what happened to them. And there's things I don't want to get in to, again, on a public forum, but knowing what happened to them, even if not physically, there's no fricken reason they should have ever been kept there. Younger brother was also abused. Didn't remove him. My sister was an infant at the time, but they kept her there despite the history of abuse in that house.

I went to my adopted parents house and, just as you said, I had to be there for six months before it was finalized. I remember going to court a few times...all I really remember is the court room, I don't remember much else. But it took them both, the bio parents, getting arrested, and to me it sounds like there might have been some pressure put on to them, and making some kind of a deal before they would sign me over. If they had not, I would be just as messed up as my siblings are today. And believe me, they are MESSED up.

For the parents: I was the 5th attempt. They had tried four other times to adopt. One was a set of twins that a grandparent apparently asked for back and somehow got back...not sure all that went on there. One my parents actually said they could not handle. Yeah. Look where I came from...that was a lot as it was, but they got a girl who was really, really, really, really, really messed up badly, and they knew that they did not have the capability to handle it. How fricken messed up was her life if they could handle mine? The others....were given back to their bio parents. Then came me. Five times before they finally got to adopt. Only one did they admit was more than they would be able to take care of. The state of CA sure didn't give a rip about kids back then, and it hasn't changed much since then.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-30-2015, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Liberal Coast
4,277 posts, read 5,158,027 times
Reputation: 3889
CA has a very messed up system. There's a reason we never did foster/adopt here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2015, 02:57 PM
 
1,191 posts, read 1,419,512 times
Reputation: 2466
What would you guys recommend if one is interested in adopting older kids (even sibling groups)? Are there other avenues besides the foster care system?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2015, 03:42 PM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,045,900 times
Reputation: 23932
Quote:
Originally Posted by winterbird View Post
What would you guys recommend if one is interested in adopting older kids (even sibling groups)? Are there other avenues besides the foster care system?
I wouldn't automatically write off CPS, I would for sure check it out. Some are better then others. In some places there are private non-profits that take kids from the state system and adopt out too. Again, some are better then others. There is a chance of doing a private older kid adoption...I don't know what agencies would be good....or hiring a lawyer perhaps to locate them. But then you are paying higher fees.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2015, 04:40 PM
 
1,191 posts, read 1,419,512 times
Reputation: 2466
Thanks HighFlyingBird
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-02-2015, 05:48 PM
 
10,171 posts, read 7,045,900 times
Reputation: 23932
Quote:
Originally Posted by winterbird View Post
Thanks HighFlyingBird
Foster to adopt is a rough road, won't lie. But it is a good way to know of you are a good match prior to any promises. Once you make a promise to adopt a child, you want to follow through I'd imagine. But if you can care for a child or children for a year and say good bye (yep it's hard but still worthwhile) you might want to look at that route. Someday we might do that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-03-2015, 02:57 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,591 posts, read 23,151,009 times
Reputation: 48585
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
I can tell you what happened on my side, and then I'll tell you what happened for my parents. I was finally told that in a conversation with my mom when I was 25.

I was in the state of CA. Obviously this wasn't last year, or the last 10 years, but not much has changed in CA. At one point, I was put in to a foster home. I don't remember a whole lot about it, except for a garbage truck outside my window one morning. Seriously, that's really all I remember. I was then put back in to the bio home. Apparently beating me in the face with my own baby bottle when I was 5 months old, or breaking my arm by throwing me across the room when I was 2 was not enough of a reason to get me out of that home. They continued to try to keep me in that home.

The final straw was when a social worker came over for a visit, to check on things. She knew something wasn't right, so called the police. The police came over, and that's when they found me locked in the closet where I had been locked in for four months. (There was evidence of this that I do not feel like going in to on a public forum.) See, one of the conditions for the bio mom to keep all of us was that she had to stay away from the bio dad. He was not allowed to be in the home, around us kids. Well, she didn't want to do that, and kept allowing him back in. She didn't care one whit what happened to us. Oh she'll tell you today that she did "everything" that she could to protect us, but that's a lie.

So the cops are there, swarming the place. I actually have a memory from that day. Bio mom was arrested, they had to chase after bio dad and he was arrested. While they were in the slammer for being the biggest piles of ..... parents, bio mom decided to go ahead and relinquish all rights to me. She once again played her victim card. She stated, and it's on record, that because of that trip I took to the foster home two years before, it was my fault that I didn't "love her as a mother". Poor, poor bio mom. That's what she said, what really was going on was that she didn't want to be detained any more, and that was how she got out of being detained. It was all self serving.

Bio dad sat in the clink for awhile longer, and it took him even longer to give up those rights. That's the kind of person he is, will NEVER admit that he did anything wrong. But, again, to get out of that cell, he finally signed me over.

If they had not done that, I would have been put right back with them. How do I know this for sure? Because I was the only one who got adopted. All of my other siblings were put right back in with them. The older brothers were not abused physically. They were definitely abused mentally/emotionally. There's a very long, rather detailed report that I have, about what happened to them. And there's things I don't want to get in to, again, on a public forum, but knowing what happened to them, even if not physically, there's no fricken reason they should have ever been kept there. Younger brother was also abused. Didn't remove him. My sister was an infant at the time, but they kept her there despite the history of abuse in that house.

I went to my adopted parents house and, just as you said, I had to be there for six months before it was finalized. I remember going to court a few times...all I really remember is the court room, I don't remember much else. But it took them both, the bio parents, getting arrested, and to me it sounds like there might have been some pressure put on to them, and making some kind of a deal before they would sign me over. If they had not, I would be just as messed up as my siblings are today. And believe me, they are MESSED up.

For the parents: I was the 5th attempt. They had tried four other times to adopt. One was a set of twins that a grandparent apparently asked for back and somehow got back...not sure all that went on there. One my parents actually said they could not handle. Yeah. Look where I came from...that was a lot as it was, but they got a girl who was really, really, really, really, really messed up badly, and they knew that they did not have the capability to handle it. How fricken messed up was her life if they could handle mine? The others....were given back to their bio parents. Then came me. Five times before they finally got to adopt. Only one did they admit was more than they would be able to take care of. The state of CA sure didn't give a rip about kids back then, and it hasn't changed much since then.

Again, I am really sorry that you went though this. It effing WRONG!

Today, in most states it isn't any better.

The hierarchy of important people in adoption appear to be - 1. The birth parents - and any random relatives who come out of the woodwork wanting to adopt.



A far second...The child. Who is considered property of the birth "parents".


And in very distant third place come the parents who wish to adopt.

PS I LOVE animals and I work in animal rescue - but if anyone did what was done to you, to a dog or a cat - they would not be returned to the owners. Sad but true.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:11 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top