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Old 08-16-2015, 10:25 PM
 
419 posts, read 464,205 times
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So adopted cousin, Nathan, has been a self-centered, narcissistic jerk all his life. He was spoiled rotten and got everything handed to him on a silver platter. He's been rude and mean to most of the relatives. We've distanced ourselves from him and keep it that way.

Aunt told me about 10 years ago that Nathan wanted to find his birth mother. She was terrified that Nathan would drop kick her to the curb and try to reconnect with BM. I told her that I thought it made sense to be curious, but, sadly, inside, I agreed with her. I wouldn't have put it past him to act in such a manner.

Here's my question. My aunt passed away a couple of years go (Nathan was his usual rude self at the funeral). My uncle is also gone, and, long story short, I happened to come across Nathan's birth mother.

Frankly, if Nathan weren't so pre-occupied with himself, he could find BM as well. He just simply doesn't want to do the work, and not sure if he would know how to apply himself to do it. Part of me wants to tell him because, after all, I do feel sorry for him. I know he really wants that info, and, in fact, his birth parents did end up marrying (then later divorcing) and he has a brother, a sister and a half-sister. (When my aunt and uncle adopted Nathan, he was an only child.) Another factor is that if things don't work out with his birth family, I will be the one blamed and he'll end up hating and trashing me to the rest of the family; and factor no. 2, I don't know if I want to inflict him on his birth family. THEY might hate me for doing so.

Do you think I should tell or let it be? Nathan is in his 50's, BM may or may not be around for too much longer. I am so conflicted.
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Old 08-16-2015, 11:52 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 11,710,977 times
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I would let it be. Nathan knows how to use the internet. If you could find his birth family so could he. Since you don't have a great relationship with him it might be best to continue to keep your distance.
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Old 08-17-2015, 08:41 AM
 
Location: Rural Wisconsin
19,563 posts, read 9,089,468 times
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Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
I would let it be. Nathan knows how to use the internet. If you could find his birth family so could he. Since you don't have a great relationship with him it might be best to continue to keep your distance.
I agree 100% with the above.
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Old 08-17-2015, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
16,361 posts, read 10,391,848 times
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I'm curious as to how you came across Nathan's birth mother. Did you meet her and talk with her to the point of, "Oh, hey, you must be the birth mother of my adopted cousin"? Or did you just happen to find her on an Internet search?

If you actually have a relationship with Nathan's birth mother, you might consider telling her about him, and then gauge her reaction as to the prospect of reuniting with him. If she's amenable, you could then set up the meeting. But if you simply find her online and don't actually know her, I would keep it to myself.

(I might feel differently about this if Nathan were a fine, upstanding man. But given how you've described him, his birth mother might be horrified to see how he turned out. Maybe it would be a kindness to just let her remain ignorant and imagine that he turned out well.)
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Old 08-17-2015, 01:24 PM
 
419 posts, read 464,205 times
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Originally Posted by bus man View Post
I'm curious as to how you came across Nathan's birth mother. Did you meet her and talk with her to the point of, "Oh, hey, you must be the birth mother of my adopted cousin"? Or did you just happen to find her on an Internet search?

If you actually have a relationship with Nathan's birth mother, you might consider telling her about him, and then gauge her reaction as to the prospect of reuniting with him. If she's amenable, you could then set up the meeting. But if you simply find her online and don't actually know her, I would keep it to myself.

(I might feel differently about this if Nathan were a fine, upstanding man. But given how you've described him, his birth mother might be horrified to see how he turned out. Maybe it would be a kindness to just let her remain ignorant and imagine that he turned out well.)
No, don't know her, never met her. I just had her first name and that she was a neighbor of another relative back in the early '60's. Thus while looking up info on this other relative, I was checking a city directory and happened to notice this woman's name, remembering that she was a neighbor. So I rummaged around, now having a first AND last name, ended up on Facebook. Nathan's brother and sister look A LOT like Nathan. That's why I said that Nathan could do the same thing.

Thus far I'm keeping my mouth shut. Pretty sure it'll stay that way. And I agree, if Nathan were different, I would absolutely have called him up immediately and spilled my guts out. I don't know that I would have had I found BM while my aunt was still alive, out of respect for her, but now - yeah. That's what's so sad, my aunt and uncle were the sweetest, kindest, caring folks ever. I have no idea why Nathan turned out like he did - and, to be fair, he does have his moments. There are times you can sit and chat and he's funny, personable and you connect; it's a shame they're not more frequent.
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Old 08-17-2015, 02:52 PM
 
3,644 posts, read 10,914,306 times
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As a birthmother, let me chime in here

Don't say a word. If it was that easy for you, it would be that easy for him. Or his birthmother. Or birthfather. Or bio-siblings

Yet, no one has moved. Don't do it for them, leave them in peace. Often, others interfere, feeling like inserting themselves is doing someone a great service, but they often do more harm than good

Also, something you may not have considered - he may have already reached out privately. And the result was not advertised
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Old 08-17-2015, 08:03 PM
 
419 posts, read 464,205 times
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Originally Posted by sskkc View Post
As a birthmother, let me chime in here

Don't say a word. If it was that easy for you, it would be that easy for him. Or his birthmother. Or birthfather. Or bio-siblings

Yet, no one has moved. Don't do it for them, leave them in peace. Often, others interfere, feeling like inserting themselves is doing someone a great service, but they often do more harm than good

Also, something you may not have considered - he may have already reached out privately. And the result was not advertised
Excellent point. Thanks for the input.
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