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Old 11-26-2015, 05:04 PM
 
785 posts, read 1,068,435 times
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Hi!

My wife and I are considering adoption. We are a married same-sex couple* and have put a lot of thought into this. Our only concern is what I'm reading about the home study. A couple concerns:

-- My wife is on disability would that be a negative?
-- Some home study's require references... even from family... to prove we'd be good parents. That's the thing, our family is very religious and would not recommend us being parents based on the principle of our marriage. And both our parents have passed away.

We are financially stable and want to adopt but are concerned about someone determining if we are or are not a fit based on the above. We have taken a lot of steps to prepare for the process including moving, I changed jobs, and other smaller changes.

Thanks!

*If you are against same-sex marriage, please keep it out of this thread.
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Old 11-26-2015, 05:17 PM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,110 posts, read 17,058,310 times
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Disability- If it would effect the raseing and care of child, Yes it would be a factor.
References - You pick who they will be, you obviously give ones (You have asked in advance) that will be Pro Adoption for you.

Moving and changing jobs are ok, but the Social Workers will want to see you are stable in your new job, and are establishing roots in your home community.

What age group are you looking at for kids? Sex? Number of?

Are you Considering Foster/Adopt?
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Old 11-26-2015, 05:32 PM
 
785 posts, read 1,068,435 times
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We wouldn't do this until I am at least 1 year into my new job. We are active in our community and regularly attend things such as church and a gym.

The Dr my wife sees would likely write a letter of support for her disability, so that's a bit discouraging what you wrote.

Some of the adoption places we looked into state family would be more ideal references, which is concerning.

We would prefer young, but that doesn't mean newborn by any means. Age, sex doesn't matter... but we have a 2 bedroom home, so wouldn't be able to have more than 2. Ideally we'd like to start with 1.

But based on your responses, we may chose the IUF/IVF route than--we live in a state that mandates coverage. I refuse to have someone tell us if we will be good parents based on our circumstances. And I say this being a social worker myself.

Last edited by SubconsciousMe; 11-26-2015 at 06:13 PM..
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Old 11-26-2015, 07:01 PM
 
Location: South
253 posts, read 193,890 times
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Reading about the home study is scary. The actual home study itself isn't scary at all. Case workers want people to adopt so they aren't going to put even more barriers for good families. Of course, it also depends on what route you use. You'll obviously be denied if you go with a christian agency as they tend to be major bigots. But most secular agencies and definitely foster care adoptions will do everything they can to help you adopt if they determine you are a good family.

The disability may or may not be a deal breaker. It matters what the disability is as well as whether or not you and your wife can prove that you can adequately adapt your parenting around the disability. If your doctor is able to write a letter of support, that's already more than halfway there. I am a 100% disabled vet (PTSD) and I had no issues getting through my foster care home study. They asked me personal questions about the disability, how it was treated, what plans I have in place in case I experienced a relapse, etc. They just wanted to know that I'd thought about all the what ifs. And I'm single, so a couple with one having a disability is even less likely to be a problem since there will be a second parent to pick up slack in some areas.

The references thing was really very difficult for me as well. I'm estranged from my family and I was honest about this and the reasons why. I'm also an introverted person and slow to dig in roots. I thought I'd be denied because my references were somewhat untraditional. I used several friends I'd made in the city I've recently moved to and then a couple who live elsewhere. It was more than enough. They did want to know a lot about my understanding of the necessities of support networks and such and I had a binder of info on how and where I would find help so that proved that I had given it a lot of thought.

Don't count out adoption. Yes, the home study will be very intimate and they will ask a lot of invasive questions. You don't have to be perfect, your house doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to be wealthy, your extended family doesn't need to be super involved. They do have to judge you, obviously, because they are determining whether or not a child can be safely placed in your home. But most of that judgement is done over paperwork (the medical checks, background checks, calling references). The home study is very interested in seeing how prepared you are to be a parent and also in helping you prepare even more. Consider the social worker your ally rather than your judge.
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Old 11-27-2015, 05:15 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
1,539 posts, read 1,710,846 times
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In your situation I think I'd contact an agency that routinely does same-sex adoptions in your area. I bet if you Google "same sex adoption and Whatever State" you will get some direction on how to proceed. You are surely not the only same sex family to have family members who act that way so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I honestly do not recall our home study agency speaking to my family at all come to think of it... As to the disability issue, I think it just depends on what it is. I have a very good friend who is technically disabled due to her being deaf and yet they adopted 4 kids. She can lip read somewhat and they taught the kids ASL.


Best of luck!
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Old 11-28-2015, 08:43 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
5,622 posts, read 3,608,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SubconsciousMe View Post
I refuse to have someone tell us if we will be good parents based on our circumstances.
But that's pretty much the entire point of a home study: to determine whether or not you would be suitable as adoptive parents, according to the standards set by your state and by your agency (and by the sending country, in the case of international adoption.)


My advice to you is this: remove whatever chips you may have on your shoulder. Don't badmouth your family or the religious views of same-sex marriage opponents or the intrusive rules of your adoption agency or anything else. Sure, you can try and improve the odds by seeking out an agency that openly works with same-sex couples. But whoever you work with will have plenty of their own requirements, and your best bet is to go into it with an attitude of wanting to help them help you, rather than an attitude of "you can't judge me." Because, yes, they can.


As for your spouse's disability, it may factor into the equation or it may not. Be upfront about it, right from the start. Indeed, I would bring it up in your introductory meeting and be prepared to answer whatever questions they may ask about it. (And by the way: "None of your business" is NOT an acceptable answer to ANY of their questions. If you want to play on their court, you play by their rules.)


If you go into this with the attitude that "My life is an open book" and work with them to meet their requirements, the home study will go much easier for you than if you argue or obstruct or complain or drag your feet. If you're not willing to do that, then IMO, adoption is not for you.
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Old 12-02-2015, 03:45 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,187 posts, read 14,953,306 times
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Bus man is correct. We adopted and they asked every imaginable question and wanted detailed answers. I suspect also that classes will be required since I think most states require that now or they were. We were asked questions that I wasn't all that comfortable with and the worker understood. They are humans also. Both myself and my husband were pretty much estranged from our families so had to explain that, write an autobiography of our life - short one, I think like 2 pages.

With the disability, that could either way just depending on what the disability is and how it might interfere with parenting although I think for the most part it wouldn't be an issue. Just about everyone with a disability can parent. Heck, they often make much better parents.

You need confidence to go into the process of adoption. It is called the "adoption maze" by many. You keep in mind that they have access to something you want. I don't think the process is easy for anyone.

They must examine the family/couple closely these days and think about how closely you would want a worker to look at a family/couple that was going to adopt a child of yours if you were no longer able to care for them.

Everyone is afraid of not passing the test when they go into adopting. No one wants to be told that they are unsuitable. You just really have to step up and ride it out if you are interested in doing this. Good luck in any decision you make.
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Old 12-02-2015, 03:59 PM
 
6,445 posts, read 1,281,222 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bus man View Post
But that's pretty much the entire point of a home study: to determine whether or not you would be suitable as adoptive parents, according to the standards set by your state and by your agency (and by the sending country, in the case of international adoption.)


My advice to you is this: remove whatever chips you may have on your shoulder. Don't badmouth your family or the religious views of same-sex marriage opponents or the intrusive rules of your adoption agency or anything else. Sure, you can try and improve the odds by seeking out an agency that openly works with same-sex couples. But whoever you work with will have plenty of their own requirements, and your best bet is to go into it with an attitude of wanting to help them help you, rather than an attitude of "you can't judge me." Because, yes, they can.


As for your spouse's disability, it may factor into the equation or it may not. Be upfront about it, right from the start. Indeed, I would bring it up in your introductory meeting and be prepared to answer whatever questions they may ask about it. (And by the way: "None of your business" is NOT an acceptable answer to ANY of their questions. If you want to play on their court, you play by their rules.)


If you go into this with the attitude that "My life is an open book" and work with them to meet their requirements, the home study will go much easier for you than if you argue or obstruct or complain or drag your feet. If you're not willing to do that, then IMO, adoption is not for you.
Definitely agree with ALL the above.
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Old 12-02-2015, 06:54 PM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,586 posts, read 23,131,512 times
Reputation: 48552
Quote:
Originally Posted by SubconsciousMe View Post
Hi!

My wife and I are considering adoption. We are a married same-sex couple* and have put a lot of thought into this. Our only concern is what I'm reading about the home study. A couple concerns:

-- My wife is on disability would that be a negative?
-- Some home study's require references... even from family... to prove we'd be good parents. That's the thing, our family is very religious and would not recommend us being parents based on the principle of our marriage. And both our parents have passed away.

We are financially stable and want to adopt but are concerned about someone determining if we are or are not a fit based on the above. We have taken a lot of steps to prepare for the process including moving, I changed jobs, and other smaller changes.

Thanks!

*If you are against same-sex marriage, please keep it out of this thread.

Hello and welcome to the world of adoption!

I am a heterosexual married woman who is a huge supporter of same sex couples who wish to adopt. Or marry. Or do what ever other couples do.

There are agencies that are open to Gay couples, and there are those that are less open as well as those that oppose adoption by same sex couples. The easiest place to begin is with an agency that cares more about the love and security that you can provide your child, than you you love romantically.

I know several people who have adopted successfully with their partners, before Gay marriage was legalized.

Let me give you a two examples. I knew two lesbian physicians who adopted from Romania and Russia. Both countries are closed now. They adopted two daughters as single people, but did not identify to the foreign country that they were Gay. The agency knew, but the countries did not.

When the home study was conducted they were unmarried (because there was no Gay marriage) and they adopted as single women. They did not discuss their sexuality with the social worker who performed the home study, but they feel certain that she knew. The home study read that these were two women who owned a home together to cut costs. Which was not untrue.This is not an unusual situation in Eastern Europe - unrelated women sharing a home.

They each adopted a girl - one from Romania and one from Russia. When the children came home, they adopted each others children.

Another woman, an unmarried Gay professional, adopted two girls from China. China no longer permits single women to adopt healthy newborns. Her second daughter was adopted through China's special needs program which does permit single women to adopt. Her daughter has a cleft palette which has since been repaired.

Most home studies before Gays were permitted to adopt, were conducted in a sort of "don't ask don't tell" situation. The countries where the children are from are, for the most part, not "first world countries". They are generally very traditional countries where homosexuality is frowned upon.

In terms of domestic adoption, I would personally avoid it, weather Gay or straight. Foster care adoption will inevitably involve some degree of openess with the family of origin. This can range from yearly to weekly visits. Or meeting together at a restaurant. I would not be comfortable with this.

We were not interested in continuing a relationship with a family who had their parental rights revoked. We like to say "we wanted to adopt a child, not an entourage".

In your case the last thing you need is to have to deal with a family that is both dysfunctional, violent and homophobic. That's why I would advise a closed adoption.

Also, because of that, I would suggest that you adopt the youngest child available, from another country. I think that international adoption is much easier.

I can't tell you much about disabled adoption, but I know that it is possible. You don't say what your wife's disability is, so it is hard to say.

At this point, the very best thing that you could do would be to contact a Gay friendly adoption agency. Going back to my first sentence. Here is a link to agencies that are Gay friendly. I know that the two doctors who I knew used Happy Families in New York State. While I don't see Happy Families on this list, they may have changed their name.

Gay Friendly Adoption Agencies | It's Conceivable

Best wishes and feel free to send me a direct message if you wish to talk privately.
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Old 12-03-2015, 06:43 PM
 
Location: Norman, OK
2 posts, read 1,117 times
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Although my adoption was over 43 years ago, I consider myself very lucky. It was a completely private adoption. The biological mother of my son was not interested in taking care of him but didn't know what to do with him. He weighed 8 lb. 6 oz. when born but 5 lb. 2 oz. when I got him at 6 weeks old. He had been left completely alone for as much as 13 hours. I appeared before a judge and she relinquished all rights as well as the judge giving me temporary guardianship. He was about 3 years old before I completed the adoption because I was so afraid. I am a lesbian but was living alone at the time. I was a teacher and at that time they could revoke your certificate for even discussing homosexuality in your classroom.

The judge was pretty taken aback because I was single and had forgotten to order the home study. My lawyer convinced him to let the counselor at my school do it. Wasn't I lucky?

It was hard. My son had many problems but love conquered all.

I am telling you this to encourage you. Things have a way of working out. Be positive with everyone you meet. Just let them know how much you want a child and the ways you think you could be good parents.

Good luck!
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