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Old 06-24-2016, 04:50 PM
 
1 posts, read 1,467 times
Reputation: 10

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I was born in Russia adopted abroad, found my family and now I do regret I found them,,,,,,

Here is my story ( sorry for any grammar mistakes, English is not my native language)

This is my first time telling my story online/ forum
I was born in russia and adopted when I was already adolescent . ( around 14)

I was born in Russia in Saint Petersburg . I was abandoned in hospital by my mother who was 17.

I do remember myself as a child growing up in baby houses and orphanages. When I was older enough , I think about 5-6 years old I started to understand that I am not like everyone . I do not have family and I never understood why.

I started to ask myself why? Why my mother abandoned me. And I knew I was 100% abandoned because I was in orphanage with other kids exactly like me. However in most cases orphanage knew why kid was abandoned( usually drugs, alcohol or just financially couldn't take care)

However my case was different because there wasn't any information or reason.
I was beaten and humiliated by older kids but mostly by caregivers. I was never hungry and I was provided with clean clothes, shoes, and some toys

However abuse I had in orphanages till today I can't forget.....
As I remember myself , about age 4-5 caregivers used to punish me and other kids because we did noise or whatever reason. One time I put salt in my food without permission and I was punished for that- caregiver put bunch of salt in my mouth and screamed at me " do u like it????"
Another punishment was to put me in storage for very long time, as a result I was peeing on myself. Punishments were so creative ! I was put under mattress and this is how I was suppose to sleep....
I was also beaten with stick on my foot- which was most painful and I don't really know how I did not had Hearth failure!

When I grow up I was transferred to another orphanage. I Also had physical punishment( holding heavy pillow for very long time with straight hands and if I bend by hands I got beaten)

But here I do not want to discuss my life in orphanages , just want you to get an idea about my early life

When I was between 9-11 I was taken to Russian families and returned because families couldn't deal or they just wanted to take a kid and play games like kid is a toy( it's something that was common to do)

I was also abused in one family who took me.
So after that I couldn't trust no one

When I was around 11, everything changed! I was the only one chosen to go abroad and study ( with adoption option) me from 300 kids ! I was really lucky! But years later I found out that it was with help of my teacher who wanted me out of those life because i was different than other kids and did not belong there( as she said)

So when I was 11 I moved to other country , it was special program , and when I reached age 18 I was suppose to decide where I want to stay, of course I decided to stay abroad.

I had few families ( just to spend weekends)
But when I was around 13, I was informed that I am going to meet someone who want to adopt a child. To make long story short I was adopted around 14( it took time because we needed to know each other, it was long process)
Because there was extremely complicated biocrasy I was officially adopted only when I was around 20 through court

Of course I was happy , finally I had my own home!!! By my hearth inside me was broken. I wanted to find my mother, no matter what. All I wanted since I remember myself is to see my biological mother! I wanted to see her eyes and ask " why???"

I was searching for years and years,,,,
When I was 18 ( legally only at age of 18 child can open case where i live) I open " my file" all information about my family

I remember opening file, it was in social worker room and my adoptive mother was near me"
I saw medical information which I knew. All permissions from Russian government to go abroad , nothing special

But then I saw one paper - I did not understand in the beginning , it was a letter. I remember hand writing. It was letter that my biological mother wrote, that she give me up to any good family for adoption, it was written 2 weeks after I was born.

I asked social worker " what's that???? What's that????" And she didn't answer me she looked down
I run to bathroom and cried
I cried for very long time , because I saw letter where my own mother give up on me!!!

Then I knew I will find no matter what. But it was extremely difficult, no one could help me because I had only name and last name and old address

I did find my family when I was 29 y.o trough Russian famous program on tv. I wasn't on program. I found on forum someone who help to find family in Russia. I was shocked ! It took him 2 days to find!!
He just told me- you have mother and sister. I can't even describe my feelings, I wanted to cry I wanted to lough of joy.

But how do I start all the process????

The process I live in USA )

1. They got letter that someone is searching for them,
2. Neighbor got letter to give them
3. They never replied
4. I send someone to Russia to talk to them ( flight tickets and hotel I paid)
5. Person who I send waited for them
6. He found my sister near building and asked her name and if she is daughter of .... She said yes,
7. Person who I send show my biological letter( the one that she agree to gave up on me)
8. Person ask my sister if that handwriting belong to her mother, she says yes then he says to her" well now u have a sister"

My sister in shock. She is only 19,

Eventually she let him in and person I send show my pictures to my biological mother. I wasn't there but from what I know reaction was very difficult. My sister cried, she didn't know anything.

Eventually person who I send called me from Russia to USA and asked me " are u ready to talk to your mother?"
I was at work and I couldn't handle it, I started to mumble and cry, and it was first time I talked to my biological mother"
I was in total shock so I don't even remember what was said in conversation but people at work gathered near me and started to run like crazy to give me water because I cried so hard and was in complete shock, I was pale and I was shacked uncontrollable . But I couldn't tell no one why I cry. How could I????

I also talked with my sister! Omg she had voice like mine!!!

I talked with my biological mother few times before I decided to go and see her.

I also talked with my grandmother - who didn't knew about me!!!

I decided to see my grandmother first. Maybe because I was afraid my biological mother will deny me.

I talked to my grandmother and told here over phone that I will come to see her very soon. I fly to russia with my friend and took private driver. When after 3 hours driving my friend went to my grandmother house with letter from me no one open the door.

My friend and driver were waiting to get to the building. I wanted my grandmother to be prepared. That's why best was my friend who is good psychologist can prepare her and once she is ready I will come.

It was very cold winter and I was in car waiting, then I saw her, she got out of my grandmother building - my biological mother ! ( I had pictures before so I knew how she looked)

She come closer to car , she was with a man( her boyfriend)
I got out of the car, what happen next is like a movie, surrealistic !
She told me " you are not my daughter you are trying to steal grandmother apartment , you are a scammer!!!! "

I was so shocked !!! Then I said " if u didn't wanted me why u didn't did abortion ???" She said " to bad I didn't"

Driver was shocked too..... To see all the drama

My biological mother's boyfriend looked at me and said to her " common even I can tell she is your daughter "



Her boyfriend took her on the side, they went somewhere to talk and when she come back I was in car. She sat near me and started to cry and say sorry. After that we went to her apartment and talked for 6 hours.

My grandmother refused to see me on that day , even when I went with my biological mother to her apartment , she thought I want to take her apartment ( common think old people afraid in Russia )
But I saw her after my younger sister wrote a letter that I signed that I do not want an apartment .my sister was studying for a layer at that time. Of course this hand written letter will never go through court- but with so much pain I signed for this letter. Then I got family pictures.
I saw my grandmother twice. My impression she was very happy to see me.

I met my biological mother 3 times so far. And live in USA and I went to see her when I went to see my adoptive family ( only 4 hours flight from there)

Second time when I fly outside USA to see my adoptive family I called my biological mother and said that I can come to visit her because I fly to Moscow for work for a week and can visit her. She was happy and wanted to see me but few days before I flew she said she can't take days off so maybe next time. And she did called me when I was in Moscow that she want to see me so I went to saint petersburg( 3 hours on express train/ 1.5 hours on plane)
So I went there with my adoptive mother who went with me,
I saw my sister again and biological mother and they both were very excited to see me, even my adoptive mother said that she is very excited to see me.

8 month passed since last visit and I was prepared to see my adoptive family . And when my biological mother called I said I am going to vacation to see my adoptive family and I can see them too for few days. My biological mother was happy and said that me and my adoptive mother should stay at her apartment to be like a family( she didn't wanted me to be in hotel)
She said I can stay at my sister room and my sister will go to her boyfriend house( we did it last time when I was there) I said I will contact her once I fly to my adoptive family)
So week after I fly from USA to see my adoptive family ( long 11 hours flight)
I call my biological mother ( who knew already which dates I am on my vacation ) and said I am home at my family,

I knew something wrong because.....

I called her few times - she didn't pick up the phone ( usually when I call her she answer first or second time )
I called 4 times - no answer
She called me and said that she can't get day off from work and that I should enjoy my vacation.
Then conversation was disconnected . And she never called me back ( usually she always call me back and we talk for long time, she will call back 4-5 times if conversation disconnected )
I felt something unusual in her voice( uncomfortable? )
Also when I called back someone spoke in different language - something that never happen before!!!! Ever

So I was sitting there and felt as if I was abandoned again. ( it's not the first time she says yes , happy then she says she can't get days off from work)

How its possible that in the beginning before my vacation she says yes, happy and then suddenly she says its not going to work out???
And she knows that when I fly to see my adoptive family ( Middle East) it's only 4 hours from there to Russia !!!!
I do love my adoptive family and spend a lot of money to see them few times a year. They are the one who raised me.

My biological family would be never my family because what they did. When I was thinking why my mother abandoned me I thought probably drugs, poor or alcohol but when I saw them nothing was of those. My biological mother is 52 y.o overall healthy and work . She has decent apartment that was bought recently by my sister. My grandmother has her own apartment where she lives ( small town outside Saint Petersburg where my biological mother also have apartment near by)

I told my grandmother that I want medals that were belong to my grandfather that died long time ago. ( no one care about those medals anyway expect me)

I did explained few times that I do not want anything from them, and I did left them money for food and other things too( twice more what they spend)

I have small business ( tiny one) in USA , I work so hard and I do not have any family in USA so when I have vacation all I want is to see my family ( both of them)

I also wanted to see my biological mother because I still feel I did not " close circle" my soul still not in peace also because my biological mother till today did not said who my father is . She said only that he was older than her and he was her boss/ supervisor at the factory where she worked .
P.s at soviet time position my father had, impossible to get just like that, u needed to be belong to communist party and have high education. So my father had important position - he used to date with my mother for 2 months( as she said)
Factory not exist anymore but archives I think exist. However she only said his name and approximate age and that he had pregnant wife and he went to Ukraine .

Anyone had similar experience?

Do u believe my biological mother don't remember who my father was???? And why she don't want to tell me who my father is?????

I feel so much pain right now also because I can't see my grandmother who is so wonderful woman! She is 80 and she has serious problems with eyes,
I feel so much pain because I am afraid she won't live for too long

I will not call to my biological mother anymore, I feel way too much pain.
I really do not know how to handle it.

I am on my vacation with my adoptive family . They are most important to me but I do not want to cry to them . They will never understand. Because no one will never understand how it feels like to be abandoned.

I would like to hear any opinion , suggestions or anyone who was adopted and found his family and what was outcome
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Old 06-27-2016, 06:53 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,185 posts, read 15,021,691 times
Reputation: 18249
If I were you, I would try to search for an online support group for children that were adopted from Russia, possibly just foreign adoptions from that part of the world.

I have known a couple of people that were adopted when they were children and they both never understood why and felt some what to extremely bitter about it. Even when they made contact with the birth parents, the question was really never answered to their satisfaction.

I am the adoptive mother of a infant with special needs, now he is 29 years old. I had a son who was 9 years old that I had given birth to when we adopted a 4 week old infant. When I read the adoption papers that the birth parents had to sign about giving up all rights to this baby, I could not see how they could do it. They did it before a judge, so there was no pushing them into it. I just can't put myself in their place, know their situation well enough........

Some parents just can't cope. As you mentioned there are reasons that parents often give their children up. I suppose at the moment they probably feel it is the best thing and just want to believe that a child will go to a good family and live happily ever after. It is also not unusual for a birth family not to be aware that a sibling, grandchild, etc. exists.

Your birth mother may or may not know who your father is. They had to do testing on our son who was adopted because in the US, at least in our state, they needed to get the father to relinquish his rights.

I am so sorry for what you are going through and have been through. Again, I encourage you to find a support group online where there will be other adoptees that you can share with.
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Old 01-09-2018, 12:05 PM
 
824 posts, read 443,890 times
Reputation: 777
Very painful story, specially which related with you bio mom reaction when she met you for the first time. Her reaction was over and unjustified but if we tried to understand the reason of the big contrasting between her reaction in the phone when she talked to you for the first time and in reality, we can find some things. Your mom didn't expect that one day her bio daughter will reach to her, so you considered as a " Secret" to her that no body knows anything about it even her second daughter (your bio sister). When you went to meet her for the first time, I guess the time for her wasn't appropriate. I mean when you reach to her home, there is someone with her that have no idea at all about this story. So, she might feel shame that she gave her baby infant up all these years without asking about it or knowing its news and now, her daughter already grew up and became looking for her. So, she tried to deny your existence (The Fact) in order to appear in another picture in front of her bf. But, her friend already didn't believe her and did believe you. and when she realized the fact that no way for sun to be covered, she admitted that, then apologized to you.

-If she spent months with (your bio dad), and gave you some important info about him, like he have a position, he was her boss and worked in the same factory with her, he married and went to Ukraine, then I guess she knows his full name.

- Try to know your sister's dad name in order to make sure whether or not was the same man or different.

- Try to be in touch with your sister and grandmother.

- Your grandmother might have an idea about your dad, because when your mom was pregnant with you, I don't think her mom didn't know about it.

- Your grandmother worried of meeting you because she though that you came back for taking her house as you mentioned, and (maybe) your bio family have the same feeling because they didn't raise you or expect your coming back, you became like a " stranger" to them. Therefor, your grandmother needs some time to get used to you and to know you very well, Plus she can't see very well, so that's what makes her more cautious and not accept to meet you alone in her home. Try to be in contact with your grandmother until she feels safe and happy with you. After that, you can begin gradually mention your wonderings about your dad, like how looked like? was he a nice guy? until you got to his name.

-According to what I understood of your terms, you want 2 things.
1-to have a nice relationship with your bio family.
2-and to know you dad's last name.
So, first let them or your grandmother know you very well and get used to you, then you can ask gradually about your dad.

Quote:
I told my grandmother that I want medals that were belong to my grandfather that died long time ago. ( no one care about those medals anyway expect me)
I did explained few times that I do not want anything from them
- When you asked them about your grandfather "medals". She must felt worry about it, although you said no one cares about those medals. But again, you are like a " strange" person to them. So, any thing turn to the family, don't expect to get it easily now. Just from meeting them one time you expect them to give you every thing include some info about the past. Things not work this way. Need some time to get used to you and try to be in contact with them specially your sister and grandmother.

This is my analyzing and opinion to your story.


Best wishes
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Old 01-19-2018, 01:12 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,664 posts, read 23,241,522 times
Reputation: 48847
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paula3333 View Post
I was born in Russia adopted abroad, found my family and now I do regret I found them,,,,,,

Here is my story ( sorry for any grammar mistakes, English is not my native language)

This is my first time telling my story online/ forum
I was born in russia and adopted when I was already adolescent . ( around 14)

I was born in Russia in Saint Petersburg . I was abandoned in hospital by my mother who was 17.

I do remember myself as a child growing up in baby houses and orphanages. When I was older enough , I think about 5-6 years old I started to understand that I am not like everyone . I do not have family and I never understood why.

I started to ask myself why? Why my mother abandoned me. And I knew I was 100% abandoned because I was in orphanage with other kids exactly like me. However in most cases orphanage knew why kid was abandoned( usually drugs, alcohol or just financially couldn't take care)

However my case was different because there wasn't any information or reason.
I was beaten and humiliated by older kids but mostly by caregivers. I was never hungry and I was provided with clean clothes, shoes, and some toys

However abuse I had in orphanages till today I can't forget.....
As I remember myself , about age 4-5 caregivers used to punish me and other kids because we did noise or whatever reason. One time I put salt in my food without permission and I was punished for that- caregiver put bunch of salt in my mouth and screamed at me " do u like it????"
Another punishment was to put me in storage for very long time, as a result I was peeing on myself. Punishments were so creative ! I was put under mattress and this is how I was suppose to sleep....
I was also beaten with stick on my foot- which was most painful and I don't really know how I did not had Hearth failure!

When I grow up I was transferred to another orphanage. I Also had physical punishment( holding heavy pillow for very long time with straight hands and if I bend by hands I got beaten)

But here I do not want to discuss my life in orphanages , just want you to get an idea about my early life

When I was between 9-11 I was taken to Russian families and returned because families couldn't deal or they just wanted to take a kid and play games like kid is a toy( it's something that was common to do)

I was also abused in one family who took me.
So after that I couldn't trust no one

When I was around 11, everything changed! I was the only one chosen to go abroad and study ( with adoption option) me from 300 kids ! I was really lucky! But years later I found out that it was with help of my teacher who wanted me out of those life because i was different than other kids and did not belong there( as she said)

So when I was 11 I moved to other country , it was special program , and when I reached age 18 I was suppose to decide where I want to stay, of course I decided to stay abroad.

I had few families ( just to spend weekends)
But when I was around 13, I was informed that I am going to meet someone who want to adopt a child. To make long story short I was adopted around 14( it took time because we needed to know each other, it was long process)
Because there was extremely complicated biocrasy I was officially adopted only when I was around 20 through court

Of course I was happy , finally I had my own home!!! By my hearth inside me was broken. I wanted to find my mother, no matter what. All I wanted since I remember myself is to see my biological mother! I wanted to see her eyes and ask " why???"

I was searching for years and years,,,,
When I was 18 ( legally only at age of 18 child can open case where i live) I open " my file" all information about my family

I remember opening file, it was in social worker room and my adoptive mother was near me"
I saw medical information which I knew. All permissions from Russian government to go abroad , nothing special

But then I saw one paper - I did not understand in the beginning , it was a letter. I remember hand writing. It was letter that my biological mother wrote, that she give me up to any good family for adoption, it was written 2 weeks after I was born.

I asked social worker " what's that???? What's that????" And she didn't answer me she looked down
I run to bathroom and cried
I cried for very long time , because I saw letter where my own mother give up on me!!!

Then I knew I will find no matter what. But it was extremely difficult, no one could help me because I had only name and last name and old address

I did find my family when I was 29 y.o trough Russian famous program on tv. I wasn't on program. I found on forum someone who help to find family in Russia. I was shocked ! It took him 2 days to find!!
He just told me- you have mother and sister. I can't even describe my feelings, I wanted to cry I wanted to lough of joy.

But how do I start all the process????

The process I live in USA )

1. They got letter that someone is searching for them,
2. Neighbor got letter to give them
3. They never replied
4. I send someone to Russia to talk to them ( flight tickets and hotel I paid)
5. Person who I send waited for them
6. He found my sister near building and asked her name and if she is daughter of .... She said yes,
7. Person who I send show my biological letter( the one that she agree to gave up on me)
8. Person ask my sister if that handwriting belong to her mother, she says yes then he says to her" well now u have a sister"

My sister in shock. She is only 19,

Eventually she let him in and person I send show my pictures to my biological mother. I wasn't there but from what I know reaction was very difficult. My sister cried, she didn't know anything.

Eventually person who I send called me from Russia to USA and asked me " are u ready to talk to your mother?"
I was at work and I couldn't handle it, I started to mumble and cry, and it was first time I talked to my biological mother"
I was in total shock so I don't even remember what was said in conversation but people at work gathered near me and started to run like crazy to give me water because I cried so hard and was in complete shock, I was pale and I was shacked uncontrollable . But I couldn't tell no one why I cry. How could I????

I also talked with my sister! Omg she had voice like mine!!!

I talked with my biological mother few times before I decided to go and see her.

I also talked with my grandmother - who didn't knew about me!!!

I decided to see my grandmother first. Maybe because I was afraid my biological mother will deny me.

I talked to my grandmother and told here over phone that I will come to see her very soon. I fly to russia with my friend and took private driver. When after 3 hours driving my friend went to my grandmother house with letter from me no one open the door.

My friend and driver were waiting to get to the building. I wanted my grandmother to be prepared. That's why best was my friend who is good psychologist can prepare her and once she is ready I will come.

It was very cold winter and I was in car waiting, then I saw her, she got out of my grandmother building - my biological mother ! ( I had pictures before so I knew how she looked)

She come closer to car , she was with a man( her boyfriend)
I got out of the car, what happen next is like a movie, surrealistic !
She told me " you are not my daughter you are trying to steal grandmother apartment , you are a scammer!!!! "

I was so shocked !!! Then I said " if u didn't wanted me why u didn't did abortion ???" She said " to bad I didn't"

Driver was shocked too..... To see all the drama

My biological mother's boyfriend looked at me and said to her " common even I can tell she is your daughter "



Her boyfriend took her on the side, they went somewhere to talk and when she come back I was in car. She sat near me and started to cry and say sorry. After that we went to her apartment and talked for 6 hours.

My grandmother refused to see me on that day , even when I went with my biological mother to her apartment , she thought I want to take her apartment ( common think old people afraid in Russia )
But I saw her after my younger sister wrote a letter that I signed that I do not want an apartment .my sister was studying for a layer at that time. Of course this hand written letter will never go through court- but with so much pain I signed for this letter. Then I got family pictures.
I saw my grandmother twice. My impression she was very happy to see me.

I met my biological mother 3 times so far. And live in USA and I went to see her when I went to see my adoptive family ( only 4 hours flight from there)

Second time when I fly outside USA to see my adoptive family I called my biological mother and said that I can come to visit her because I fly to Moscow for work for a week and can visit her. She was happy and wanted to see me but few days before I flew she said she can't take days off so maybe next time. And she did called me when I was in Moscow that she want to see me so I went to saint petersburg( 3 hours on express train/ 1.5 hours on plane)
So I went there with my adoptive mother who went with me,
I saw my sister again and biological mother and they both were very excited to see me, even my adoptive mother said that she is very excited to see me.

8 month passed since last visit and I was prepared to see my adoptive family . And when my biological mother called I said I am going to vacation to see my adoptive family and I can see them too for few days. My biological mother was happy and said that me and my adoptive mother should stay at her apartment to be like a family( she didn't wanted me to be in hotel)
She said I can stay at my sister room and my sister will go to her boyfriend house( we did it last time when I was there) I said I will contact her once I fly to my adoptive family)
So week after I fly from USA to see my adoptive family ( long 11 hours flight)
I call my biological mother ( who knew already which dates I am on my vacation ) and said I am home at my family,

I knew something wrong because.....

I called her few times - she didn't pick up the phone ( usually when I call her she answer first or second time )
I called 4 times - no answer
She called me and said that she can't get day off from work and that I should enjoy my vacation.
Then conversation was disconnected . And she never called me back ( usually she always call me back and we talk for long time, she will call back 4-5 times if conversation disconnected )
I felt something unusual in her voice( uncomfortable? )
Also when I called back someone spoke in different language - something that never happen before!!!! Ever

So I was sitting there and felt as if I was abandoned again. ( it's not the first time she says yes , happy then she says she can't get days off from work)

How its possible that in the beginning before my vacation she says yes, happy and then suddenly she says its not going to work out???
And she knows that when I fly to see my adoptive family ( Middle East) it's only 4 hours from there to Russia !!!!
I do love my adoptive family and spend a lot of money to see them few times a year. They are the one who raised me.

My biological family would be never my family because what they did. When I was thinking why my mother abandoned me I thought probably drugs, poor or alcohol but when I saw them nothing was of those. My biological mother is 52 y.o overall healthy and work . She has decent apartment that was bought recently by my sister. My grandmother has her own apartment where she lives ( small town outside Saint Petersburg where my biological mother also have apartment near by)

I told my grandmother that I want medals that were belong to my grandfather that died long time ago. ( no one care about those medals anyway expect me)

I did explained few times that I do not want anything from them, and I did left them money for food and other things too( twice more what they spend)

I have small business ( tiny one) in USA , I work so hard and I do not have any family in USA so when I have vacation all I want is to see my family ( both of them)

I also wanted to see my biological mother because I still feel I did not " close circle" my soul still not in peace also because my biological mother till today did not said who my father is . She said only that he was older than her and he was her boss/ supervisor at the factory where she worked .
P.s at soviet time position my father had, impossible to get just like that, u needed to be belong to communist party and have high education. So my father had important position - he used to date with my mother for 2 months( as she said)
Factory not exist anymore but archives I think exist. However she only said his name and approximate age and that he had pregnant wife and he went to Ukraine .

Anyone had similar experience?

Do u believe my biological mother don't remember who my father was???? And why she don't want to tell me who my father is?????

I feel so much pain right now also because I can't see my grandmother who is so wonderful woman! She is 80 and she has serious problems with eyes,
I feel so much pain because I am afraid she won't live for too long

I will not call to my biological mother anymore, I feel way too much pain.
I really do not know how to handle it.

I am on my vacation with my adoptive family . They are most important to me but I do not want to cry to them . They will never understand. Because no one will never understand how it feels like to be abandoned.

I would like to hear any opinion , suggestions or anyone who was adopted and found his family and what was outcome

I am very sorry that these events happened to you. It is natural and normal to be curious about your origins. Now you know more about your biological grandmother,mother and sister.

You biological mother has told you that she thought you were a scammer. Your biological grandmother has said the same.

Perhaps you are curious about your last name. A private investigator could probably find this out.

As a mother by both birth and adoption, I have to ask you what about the blessing of your REAL family? What about their feelings? They have not abandoned you.

In fact, these people went through so much to have you join their family. The woman who gave birth to you wanted to end her pregnancy with you. That should tell you something about her. Both your grandmother and mother have accused you of wanting to steal their apartment.

If I were you, I would think more about your legal, real family, and less about the woman who gave birth to you and her mother.

I understand that you are afraid to call to your biological mother, and why you feel so much emotional pain right now. I would stay away.

Unfortunately, having worked in adoption and in hosting programs, I have heard similar stories. Some worse.

If I were you, I would tell my parents (the people who WANTED you) that you may want to see a counselor who is familiar with adoption, but NOT against adoption.

In looking for these people you have "opened a can of worms". Do you understand that expression?

I really wish you the best. Think of how fortunate you are not to have been raised by these people. Your parents (by adoption) sound like wonderful people. Flesh and blood is not everything.
Look at your life and think of how much worse it would have been had you been raised entirely in the ditsky dom, inernat or with foster families. What about your birth mother? She did not want you.

Your PARENTS did and do want you! They love you, and have proven this.

Yes. You have had a difficult life, compared to many people. However, at least your birth mother did not choose to keep you - or abort you. And at least, you have parents who love you.

I am wishing you the best, and sending prayers to you.
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Old 02-09-2018, 03:17 PM
 
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The support group, mentioned earlier, seems like worth your time. I reside in the ethnocentric USA, and have had only two courses at University level, relative to Soviet Studies. The cold war ended 1989 but changes are gradual, and attitudes are longer. And speaking of that, imagine bare shelves, waiting lists for apartments and waiting in line for provisions. (My Russian instructor advised me, that housing was so cramped, the elders left the apartments, so young couples could procreate.) Your grandmother provides a clue – the distrust of you, as a scammer. Scammers happen with shortages like raising the cost of bottled water during a hurricane.

A seventeen-year-old girl, your first Mom, evidently didn’t want to parent, perhaps for all the rationing going on - but for whatever reason couldn’t abort. Since abortion is terminating a pregnancy because one does not want to parent, it couldn’t be about you. Conversely, people that want to adopt, will take whichever one comes up – again not about you. It’s through time, that they get to know you and love you as one of their own. Your first Mom did not have that because she aborted her parenting. Realize also, that she couldn’t have known without the support of other mentoring women and family members what it was like to parent a child without the support of the Dad. For many first pregnancies, no matter one’s age, it’s all abstract, as well. Also, it’s biological fact that the human brain is not fully developed until late 20’s.

Relative to your Dad’s identity – Often, we find truths much, much, later, maybe this will happen. And your sister is closer to your generation and you both have traits of your Mom, just a beautiful thing if you both can foster this, through the miles and technology. As long as you are welcomed by your first family, I say reciprocate but keeping in mind, a different time and political landscape shapes people’s viewpoints. Your heartfelt writing is excellent so it would appear your combination of genetics and your second family are bringing out the best in you.

Anything I say will be trite and trivial about your experiences in the orphanage, a professional I think would be best to help with the healing.
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Old 02-11-2018, 07:49 AM
 
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I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you're experiencing. I have college-age cousins who joined our family via adoption from Eastern Europe when they were children - well-past babyhood - and some of their early experiences were similar to yours.

It sounds as if your bio. sister would welcome a relationship with you, and as if your grandmother has mixed feelings. Once her fears are allayed, though, it sounds as if she would also welcome you. Realistically, given the distance and other factors, your connections with your sister and grandmother are going to be limited in terms of actual time spent with them in person. Given your grandmother's age, I think in your shoes, I'd focus on her. Most important right now is reassuring her that you aren't out to harm her in any way.

As for your grandfather's medals, slow down - admire them, ask her about him, ask to see his pictures, and eventually it would be okay to ask her what she is going to do with the medals. Depending on her answer, you could say something like, "Babushka, those are wonderful, beautiful medals and I am proud of Dedushka - I would love to have his medals later on, if no one else is interested in them, and I would treasure them". Give her the reasons why you'd like to have his medals - don't just say "I want Grandfather's medals", as that's too demanding, especially since your grandmother is already suspicious that you want to take something that's hers away from her.

It sounds as if your bio.mother has very mixed feelings and as if she may be a person who always puts her own interests first. It also seems that she was very surprised by your appearance in her life after all these years. If she was only seventeen when you were born, it's understandable that she placed you for adoption - she probably thought that you would be adopted into a stable family right away, since you were only two weeks old then. I also doubt if she was familiar with the conditions in the baby houses and orphanages - most people are not and she may have been told that this was best for you, that you would receive loving care and attention until you were adopted. I am sure she had no idea you would wait so many years for an adoptive family (bless that caring teacher of yours for advocating for you, btw!). Realizing these things may make you more compassionate to the desperate young girl with few options that she was at the time of your birth.


But she's no longer that desperate young girl, and the relationship or lack of relationship that you eventually have with her will have to be determined by current circumstances. She sounds very inconsistent and does not appear to be aware of the affects of her on again, off again behavior on you. Or she may not care.

So - I'd suggest putting some strong boundaries in place, and communicating with letters or email or texting or in some other way that does not require personal contact with her. She may or may not change once the shock of your presence in her life - even a very limited presence - wears off. So rather than letting yourself be hurt by her behavior, take care of yourself by deciding just what you will tolerate and what is not acceptable. If she bails on an agreed get-together, too bad. Unless there's a valid reason, you can just tell her you're sorry it didn't work out - and move on. If she doesn't respond to letters or emails, stop writing.

As for your sister, continue to reach out to her but leave your bio mother out of your connection with her whenever you can. I think email or Skyping might be a good way to communicate and to get to know each other better.

Best wishes to you - I hope you can come to understand both the good qualities and the flaws of your newly discovered bio family, and feel compassion, if not love, for them. Meanwhile, I am very thankful that you also have a very loving and supportive adoptive family and that you are doing so well in your professional life. Your story is very inspiring.
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Old 02-13-2018, 04:05 AM
 
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Hello
I am an adoptee from the US-- I was given up at birth and placed into a foster care by a government agency called DCFS- then adopted into my adoptive family
I am just wanting to say to take care of yourself, I am sorry for the pain you've experienced and try to think of taking care f yourself first and foremost. I'm wishing you the best
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