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Old 09-16-2016, 08:57 AM
 
379 posts, read 397,125 times
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I was the same way.....I thought it was strange. But after the wife drug me to a couple of seminars put on by adoption firms, I came around to what a beautiful experience it can be. Now 16+ years and two darling Russian princesses later, I can't imagine life any other way.
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Old 09-16-2016, 09:01 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,571,183 times
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It would be extremely irresponsible to attempt to adopt a child and bring them into the environment of your marriage imo

If you cannot accept your husband's views, then perhaps this marriage should end. You can certainly explore your options as a single parent, incl. becoming a foster parent, which can certainly lead to adoption. There are many kids of all ages in the foster care system through no fault of their own who need a loving parent . I hope that you'll consider this.

Good luck to you.
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Old 09-16-2016, 09:16 AM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,805,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
It would be extremely irresponsible to attempt to adopt a child and bring them into the environment of your marriage imo

If you cannot accept your husband's views, then perhaps this marriage should end. You can certainly explore your options as a single parent, incl. becoming a foster parent, which can certainly lead to adoption. There are many kids of all ages in the foster care system through no fault of their own who need a loving parent . I hope that you'll consider this.

I agree. Also an international adoption can be incredibly expensive (anywhere from 15 to 50K). Adopting through foster care is probably not going to break the bank account. Although I don't presume to know what someone's finances are. I'm just adding that as my two cents.

It would be sad to end a marriage over inability to compromise on this issue, though. Is getting fertility help from doctors an option? I did IVF and have 3 kids now. I am not sure why people are opposed to this. For the same cost of one international adoption, we could do three rounds of IVF for the same price.
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Old 09-16-2016, 10:21 AM
 
379 posts, read 397,125 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
If you cannot accept your husband's views, then perhaps this marriage should end.
Moderator cut: delete

Look, adoption is a sub-culture and like any sub-culture it seems strange at first. The acclimation for me was just like when I became exposed to bodybuilding or Italian exotic cars.

I was TOTALLY anti-kids until I was 35....would not go near them.

OP, take him to a couple of seminars, talk to some adoptive parents with him.....and give him some time to get used to the idea.....then you both can proceed to the next step (whatever that may be) with some knowledge.

Last edited by Miss Blue; 09-23-2016 at 09:54 AM.. Reason: sarcastic and off topic
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Old 09-21-2016, 06:15 AM
 
Location: Kansas
19,187 posts, read 14,947,409 times
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We adopted a 4 week old infant with Down syndrome 30 years ago. I have posted on it here before but not the more personal details and my thoughts on them.

I'll first start by telling the OP that some of the people posting obviously do not understand your situation, you know "until they walk a mile in your shoes". I had a friend who was in very similar circumstances as you are fertility wise and she did the less invasive treatments for fertility and I'll just say that I find the idea of fertilized eggs (life) being destroyed morally repulsive. My friend was never involved in that. She had given up, the years passed and around age 35, she had a miscarriage. By 38, she became a mother and had a second child 2 years later. So, sometimes things work out like that.

I had one biological child in my first marriage. My second husband and I decided to adopt. I did most of the work involved but he seemed on board. We were looking for a child with special needs, actually school age through the state and then switched to an pubic agency with sliding fee scale. I had also listed our name with some disability groups that made referrals when children became available.

We were called and told that there was a baby with DS at a private adoption agency in our state. Well, expecting an older child, we mulled that over in about 10 minutes. So, my husband said he wasn't sure he wanted to go and see the baby. I told him that we would go. We went and the rule was see the baby one day, go home and if we wanted to adopt the baby, we could return to pick the baby up the next day. Well, my husband, after holding the baby, wanted to take the baby home that day. Strangely, I was horrified thinking of all the responsibility of an infant with special needs and my older was 9 1/2, a long time since I did the baby thing.

So, 30 years later.................

There is quite a bite to adopting. Generally there are classes, homestudy, references, background check which amount to plenty of time to become comfortable with the decision to adopt or not.

OP, many people go through this when it is time to have biological children. Children are a huge responsibility, more so today than previously. Your husband may have gotten use to the idea of not having children. Frankly, and although it won't be appreciated, some spouses, male or female, prefer the full attention of the other spouse and this is becoming more prevalent as selfishness continues to consume our population.

OP, you are still young, especially for those couples that do adopt. I would step back some and also try to understand where your husband is coming from and make sure what the issue is. Adoption is not an easy task to take on.
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Old 09-21-2016, 06:26 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
15,254 posts, read 12,495,718 times
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I dont think not having children is selfish at all.. I would rather see a happy couple who enjoy their lives get on with it.... I dont know where that comes from.....
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Old 09-21-2016, 11:04 AM
 
997 posts, read 573,076 times
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He doesn't want to adopt, even if he said he did years ago. We cannot be bound to that, and opinions change but you can work something out.

I would suggest doing the non-invasive procedures to try and conceive. I think it is normal to want a biological child. I would want that.

Besides that, maybe you can be foster parents and try it out and maybe your child will find you. That is an option.

Those are just suggestions. I don't know what is right for you but I believe that there is a plan. It will happen in one way or another.
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Old 09-22-2016, 09:12 AM
 
6,406 posts, read 1,273,075 times
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As an adoptive parent with a husband who was also 100% for it, I will tell you that adoption comes with PLENTY of issues that were very difficult for us to deal with -- and, to repeat, we BOTH wanted to adopt very, very much.

If your husband doesn't 100% want it, I can almost guarantee that not only will you not be approved to adopt unless, possibly, you go through a private agency that is all about the money they will receive, but that your marriage will be destroyed unless you adopt a "perfect" healthy infant and the adoption is both "closed" and kept secret from everyone except you and your husband -- and in today's world, I don't think that is possible.

You do have my sympathy.
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Old 09-22-2016, 10:11 AM
 
3,137 posts, read 1,805,947 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whocares811 View Post

If your husband doesn't 100% want it, I can almost guarantee that not only will you not be approved to adopt .
This is true.
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Old 09-22-2016, 04:26 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,474 posts, read 43,566,158 times
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Social workers (those who do the homestudy) are trained to read people and to see how committed both people are to adoption. Your husband will not be able to fake it. You are very young and still have time to talk about it.

If you know anybody with children, adopted or otherwise, try to do things with them. But if you know people with adopted children then definitely try to be included with them. Don't tell your husband "We're gonna spend this evening with jane and John who have adopted kids so you will change your mind". Just let it be part of your social life. Go to as many seminars about all kinds of adoption as you can. Would your husband feel pressured by even getting more information and education on the subject?

We have 1 bio son and 3 adopted girls. I also have 3 step children. I honestly forget which is which sometimes. It's hard to explain to somebody who can't understand adoption.
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