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I've discussed my fears about RAD briefly in other threads.
We are considering adoption but still on the fence. I've been married 15 years and can't have children. I thought that we would just go through life childless but now in my early 40s I'm really considering adoption.
But I do have doubts and fears as all prospective parents do. RAD is a real fear of mine. It's probably my biggest fear. The idea of having a child and loving him or her so much and then realizing they have no attachment to us.
I've spent all weekend watching videos of parents of children with RAD and the utter heartbreak they deal with. I hear conflicting reports though. Some say the early signs were having a child that made no eye contact and didn't want to be held. But another woman said that the 3 year old they adopted from Russia was very charming with them from day one. Lot's of smiles and hugs until they got him home. And then he became a nightmare. She said children with RAD tend to be charming and charismatic to strangers and detached to their caregivers.
So how on earth is someone to know any early signs? The kid who doesn't seem to care about you can have RAD as well as the kid who is hugging you and smiling?
I've read a lot of forums on adoptions from China and I can't say that I read a lot about children from there with RAD. On the other hand it seemed adoptions from Russia and Ukraine were loaded with stories about kids with RAD. With Russia they blame the orphanages, yet both China and Russia have orphanages for their children.
On the other hand, the US doesn't have orphanages and yet I read lots of stories of children with RAD coming from US foster homes.
So I just don't know. And please nobody accuse me of wanting a perfect child. That is far from the truth. We are aware that kids are kids. I have 8 nieces and nephews whom I've watched since they were babies. We don't care about race, gender and we are open to special needs, and disabilities. I'm very open to a child with down syndrome. But RAD just scares me to my core. And if there is no way to avoid it then maybe adoption isn't for us.
thank ahead of time for any and all information, advice and experiences here.
I get your fear. When I got ready to adopt, it was a huge fear of mine. That and fetal alcohol syndrome. But we adopted from Guatemala (no longer an option) with an agency who used great foster parents plus low occurrences of alcohol use in women.
I will share both my kids adopted from there have "issues". My daughter was only with her birth mother for a month, then her foster mom for 2 months...and still has attachment problems. Insecure attachment, not RAD. And both kids have learning issues.
There are no assurances to avoid either. And the definition of RAD has recently changed, making it harder to figure out. But there are also WAY more treatments available for kids with attachment problems then ever before.
So this is the advice I can give you
1) if it is too good to be true...it is. If the child is very adoring of you when first meeting you, it is a sign to look more into it. But also if the adoption agency says all is perfect...that is a sign too.
2) No matter who you adopt, there will be trauma. Even at birth...there is trauma.
3) learn about connected parenting and attachment parenting
4) go with your gut.
5) be informed...dont be afraid to ask the hard questions
6) be ready to not have an easy time. Kids come with a ton of issues...adopted or not. Attachment healthy or not.
I will through in my 2 cents. We adopted a toddler from Korea (which is a very buttoned up country with good health care and foster families, highly recommended).
I do disagree with the previous poster about if it's too good to be true, it is. Our child adored us from day one, his foster family prepped him well. His attachment has only continued to grow. It goes without saying that the better the country (from a care perspective) and the younger the child, the better your chances.
So you could have a child with RAD much the same way you could birth a child with disabilities not of your choosing. I think the hardest part is, and I'm speaking only for myself.....there is the false feeling that I'm actively choosing to adopt, and if it goes poorly, it was MY FAULT because I proactively chose to adopt. Vs a sense of a biological child not working out, there is more of a sense "that's just the way it was meant to be...."
So rather than scare yourself by looking at worst case scenarios (btw, we no nothing about the parents in the RAD scenarios, perhaps they were bad parents too. I've seen as many bad adoptive families as good ones.....it would be foolish to project their outcomes on to you)
I think what you need to ask yourself is this, are your ready to love and parent despite challenges? All kids come with challenges, my sister, 36 years old is a lifelong failure that has drained the life out of my parents, is a deadbeat mom and lifelong drug addict. She is a bio child. I'm sure my parents had many a sleepless nights over her.
But to give you a bode of confidence, look into the least risky countries, I am a part of many adoption groups and the Happy stories far outnumber the sad ones.
I will through in my 2 cents. We adopted a toddler from Korea (which is a very buttoned up country with good health care and foster families, highly recommended).
I do disagree with the previous poster about if it's too good to be true, it is. Our child adored us from day one, his foster family prepped him well. His attachment has only continued to grow. It goes without saying that the better the country (from a care perspective) and the younger the child, the better your chances.
So you could have a child with RAD much the same way you could birth a child with disabilities not of your choosing. I think the hardest part is, and I'm speaking only for myself.....there is the false feeling that I'm actively choosing to adopt, and if it goes poorly, it was MY FAULT because I proactively chose to adopt. Vs a sense of a biological child not working out, there is more of a sense "that's just the way it was meant to be...."
So rather than scare yourself by looking at worst case scenarios (btw, we no nothing about the parents in the RAD scenarios, perhaps they were bad parents too. I've seen as many bad adoptive families as good ones.....it would be foolish to project their outcomes on to you)
I think what you need to ask yourself is this, are your ready to love and parent despite challenges? All kids come with challenges, my sister, 36 years old is a lifelong failure that has drained the life out of my parents, is a deadbeat mom and lifelong drug addict. She is a bio child. I'm sure my parents had many a sleepless nights over her.
But to give you a bode of confidence, look into the least risky countries, I am a part of many adoption groups and the Happy stories far outnumber the sad ones.
I think if you have dealt with RAD (I have, not as a parent but in other ways), you will see the difference between a well prepared and attached child and child with RAD. It really does seem "too good to be true". Kids with RAD can make strangers feel like "wow! This kid must be meant for me! Its like we have always known each other". Attachments dont work like that. They grow over time, even if they start out well. People I know who have adopted kids with RAD often experience an AMAZING honeymoon period. That is what I am talking about.
Also, adoptions agencies and CPS have been known to lie through their teeth (or not have information) about how "perfect" the child is. Kids are human so they aren't perfect. More then that, kids come with trauma when they lose their birth parents...and we know many times, so much more. I know many people who were "tricked" into adopting children with issues far beyond what they are able to handle because of lying about the needs of the child.
My advice is to go with eyes wide open. If things seem "perfect" that is time to really do some more leg work. Its not to say it can't be "perfect" (essentially). But...you have to be very aware.
I think if you have dealt with RAD (I have, not as a parent but in other ways), you will see the difference between a well prepared and attached child and child with RAD. It really does seem "too good to be true". Kids with RAD can make strangers feel like "wow! This kid must be meant for me! Its like we have always known each other". Attachments dont work like that. They grow over time, even if they start out well. People I know who have adopted kids with RAD often experience an AMAZING honeymoon period. That is what I am talking about.
Also, adoptions agencies and CPS have been known to lie through their teeth (or not have information) about how "perfect" the child is. Kids are human so they aren't perfect. More then that, kids come with trauma when they lose their birth parents...and we know many times, so much more. I know many people who were "tricked" into adopting children with issues far beyond what they are able to handle because of lying about the needs of the child.
My advice is to go with eyes wide open. If things seem "perfect" that is time to really do some more leg work. Its not to say it can't be "perfect" (essentially). But...you have to be very aware.
All very well said. To your point about agencies lying, I will say another family that was adopting alongside us brought home a daughter with such severe eye problems, she was legally blind (but not totally blind). This was a complete surprise to the family.
My biggest caution is with parenting in general, as the OP sounds like she would be a first time parent. Most of us grow up thinking parenting is a necessary life stage, an absolute must. Few people ever tell us that all parenting has risks (a child with a disability, a defiant child, etc.). The hardest part about adoption for us was not anything specific about our child's behavior, but rather the abruptness in our lives as first time parents going from zero to toddler. During the adjustment period, the first time parenting adjustments happen on top of the adoption adjustments, lol. But you work through it.
All this to say to the OP, I appreciate your need to be aware of the risks, and you should be. But at the same time you can read drunk driving statistics before every car trip and at some point the paralysis and worry is going to be detrimental to you. I'll end with saying that I would think more in terms of the risks of parenting in general (less free time, less energy, more expenses, potential defiance, etc.) as opposed on one specific adoption risk.
Bottom Line: if you are living with a child with RAD, you will need an incredible amount of patience.
We adopted our daughter when she was six, after fostering her for a year. She was born to a teenage cocaine addict who had also been jailed repeatedly for various offenses such as check fraud, and who had greatly neglected her. When our daughter came into our home, we were told that she was at great risk for RAD, and showed many of the signs. In short, she hated us for "taking her from her birthmom" and had all the classic symptoms of RAD. I could go on and on about her misbehaviors (mainly lying, stealing, promiscuity starting at about age 14, and a complete disregard for any kind of adult authority). The only things I can think of that she did not do wrong were to have any substance abuse issues, commit murder, become pregnant, or become a prostitute. One month short of her 18th birthday, she left to go back to her birthmom, saying she never wanted to see us again, and quite honestly, her dad and I were relieved to see her go. For the first time we were not stressed out every single day -- by her MAJOR tantrums when she was younger and by her increasingly serious misbehaviors when she was older.
Well, her living with her birthmom lasted all of three months. She dropped out of high school, was arrested once for assault and had another charge of shoplifting, and then her birthmom threw her out. She basically couch-surfed for the next three years. BUT . . . once a month like clockwork, she would call us for some inane reason, such as asking for a recipe when she did not even have access to a stove. At age 23, she was an unwed mother of two living on government (taxpayer) assistance.
BUT . . . after she had her first child when she was 20, she asked if she could visit us, and of course, we said Yes. Thereafter, she would visit about every four months or so -- she lived in another part of our state, and things generally improved, and now at age 25, she will call or e-mail me about three times a week. But the best news is that she is now married to a fantastic young man who treats her two children from a previous relationship just as well as his biological child he had with her. My daughter got her GED and now does daycare and raises small farm animals for extra money, she is a wonderful mother (in some ways, better than I was), and she is like a totally different person. In fact, she has told me about a half dozen times in the past three years how sorry she is for what she put us through, and she seems completely sincere about that.
So am I 100% positive that she has indeed undergone a complete personality transformation? Well, no, because after living with her lying and manipulation for over a dozen years, I doubt if I will ever stop waiting for her to do something to show that she has NOT changed (living with someone with RAD or Antisocial Personality Disorder will do that) -- but the point I want to make is that just because someone is "terrible" as a child and young adult does not mean that it is impossible for her or him to change.
I guess that, as in so many things, I am just hoping for the best, but I am not counting on it.
P.S. Btw, we did "do all the right things" -- lots of structure, consistent discipline, two or three different activities per year like Girl Scouts and piano lessons (although nothing really "took"), and of course, love and attention and praise when she did do something good, and, of course, therapy -- but she was just so filled with (very justified) resentment about being removed from her birthmom that it was all to no avail, at least while she was living with us.
Thank you so much for the information. I do appreciate it.
A few thoughts, I agree it seems the definition of RAD seems to have changed. It seems like it used to be used to describe kids who had trouble bonding and truly just needed more time than the average kid. They took longer to trust their new family but then over time, with love and a safe household with all of their needs being met, they do come around. That does not scare me at all.
It's the other RAD stories I read that quite frankly sound more like children who are sociopaths. I've read stories of kids diagnosed with RAD who couldn't bond to any one, ever. They had NO emotions, no love, no sympathy, no empathy. They are devoid of emotion at all. And what's more scary is some of the stories are from people who got their children as babies. There is one journalist who is all over the internet who adopted her daughter at 8 months old from Siberia. She said how when she got her home the baby just never bonded to her. The baby had cold, dead eyes. It took years of heartache to finally bond. Her name is Tina Traster and she even wrote a book about it. Her story is far from the worst I read. Really some of the stories are horrifying. Like living with someone you fear.
The fact that some 3 year olds with RAD were described as being charming and manipulating is disconcerting and honestly quite creepy. So if a kid is super happy to meet me on adoption day and hugging and smiling, that's a sign of RAD? What do you do then? End the adoption right there because the poor kid was maybe just happy to finally have a home?
And if I'm being honest, I do wonder if I had a biological child who had the issues if I would be more patient, understanding, caring, etc. I truly feel like I could love an adopted child as my own because I don't have my own children. BUT, in my heart of hearts, I wonder..... sure I could love a normal child as my own. But could I love one of these children who quite frankly aren't that lovable? There's normal parent stress and then there is stress from a child that could drive even the best of parents to wanting to drive off a cliff. What are my limits? Do I wait until after I adopt to find out?
I've read so many stories of seemingly good parents who could have had a happy adoption had they been matched with a different child. Some kids have such deep seeded issues, maybe 1 or 2% of people could truly parent a child like them.
I think a lot of my fear is that growing up in the 70s and 80s, especially in a Christian household and having church as a big part of my life, moms didn't dare give the picture of anything but the perfect family. It really wasn't until the rise of the internet and mommy blogs that it hit me that some people just don't like being parents. They aren't happy. Or they are happy with one child but the other child brings them such heartache and stress. Basically some parents can be good parents to some kids. But not all parents can be good parents to all types of kids.
And another thing I'm seeing with adoption is 99% of people with biological kids couldn't get through even 1/10th of the rules and regulations for adopting. There are no standards to have your own children and yet there are huge financial and emotional hurdles for adoption. So when an adoptive parent talks about how they got in over their head with a child, I tend to listen more. That person had to go through a process to adopt that a bio parent never had to. So if THEY can't handle it, then wow. Maybe I can't either.
Whocares811 I'm so sorry. I mean you have what sounds like a happy ending but still. I believe every thing you are saying because I've read it over and over. This is why while we are open to foreign adoption, we decided that local adoption is not for us. I really have no desire to deal with family members and relatives. I want to adopt a child and feel like they are my own. I could never feel that way if relatives and bio parents are in the picture. I had to be honest with myself with that one because local adoption is initially what we wanted. I hadn't even considered going to another country. Why when there are so many chldren right here. But we've changed our minds on that. I truly have admiration for couples who do it but it's not for us.
These are my rambling inner thoughts and my fears and doubts. I guess when it all comes down to it, one can really only hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Plan to be surprised.
I don't think anyone should have or adopt children without being somewhat prepared for a worst case scenario. Its good you're educating yourself as much as possible before adopting but remember it is mostly the toughest cases that you hear about.
I would recommend adopting as young a child as possible. Our adoption medicine specialist said that was the best indicator of a positive outcome in his opinion. It doesn't mean you aren't dealing with real unknowns, of course you are.
For the record though and so that you hear a positive story, we have two children who we adopted from overseas at 9mths & 6mths. Both are healthy, happy, excellent students, and generally really typical kids, they are 10 & 12 (almost 13) now. We have had zero health issues, zero attachment issues, and besides our son having a mild tic disorder, nothing out of the ordinary.
That's a good point that the people who are having problems may tend to be more vocal. And I have heard more positive stories than negative ones. But some of the negative stories are just scary.
I do need to do more soul searching and talk with my husband more. Because of my age I thought of adopting an older child. That I'd be helping a child who otherwise may not get adopted as well as having a child who'd be close to the age of a child if I'd had kids in my mid 30s. Like it would be a win-win. But I think I could be setting myself up for something I'm not ready for with an older child. Sad but true.
thank you all again for all of your help. It's nice to be able to talk about things I don't want to discuss in person with people I know. Forums are great for being truthful
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