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Old 12-27-2016, 02:14 PM
 
5,128 posts, read 5,817,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post

No, there is no choice. That is the point. You don't say a thing. It's none of your business.
You are not the only person here weighing in.

Here's a hint. When someone hasn't been personally rude to you, and you come at them with rudeness, they might be inclined to ignore your opinion.

Matter of fact, ANYONE is welcome to advise me NOT to tell him. (Please read my second post which goes into more detail about his situation.) But if any of you come here to be rude or accuse me of bad motives, your advice is automatically discounted.

There is no excuse for acting that way.
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Old 12-27-2016, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Where the sun likes to shine!!
20,517 posts, read 26,310,550 times
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Maybe try asking your question on an adoption forum. Here is one, I'm sure there are more.
https://adoption.com/forums
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Old 12-27-2016, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,876 posts, read 2,366,332 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Stars View Post
I am divorced, but still friends with my ex-husband and we talk on a regular basis on the phone.

My ex-husband's brother and sister-in-law adopted infant twins in 1992 - a boy and a girl. At the time of adoption, they were well into their forties. Within the last few years, first the mother died and then the father. The twins have just turned 24.

My ex-husband told me that prior to both parents getting sick, they told him that they'd never told their adopted son that he was adopted, and they had no intention of telling him. They made it clear that they didn't want him to know.

The adopted daughter is severely autistic, so she didn't come up.

It was quite a shock to me that they never told him . . . especially in this day and age. Naturally, I think the parents were wrong to withhold his own history from him. I no longer live in their state. I don't see the son and the only reason I found out about the secrecy was from my ex-husband.

If you were in my shoes, would you tell him? Since I am not close to him, it's not like I'd be there to pick up the pieces or offer support as a result of telling him something that would devastate him.

My ex-husband is one of two uncles. Neither uncle will violate the secret and would be enraged at me if I told. Their family has a lot of toxic energy that I don't want in my life.

On one hand, I hate knowing that the information was kept from him. On the other hand, I didn't create this mess, and other than phone conversations with my ex-husband, I am not part of that family anymore.

Thoughts?
Boy I could give you a whole lifetime tutorial on this. I was adopted..and before I even knew what that meant..I was read stories about being a "Chosen Child".. fast forward to my teen years..and went to school with as it turned out many teens who found out they were adopted..never told by their parent..and became depressed and had so many questions for why they were never told. ( Identity crisis and questioning their self-worth) .. Thankfully, I was well grounded on that issue back then ( early '60's) so as a peer, could explain just why adoption occurs etc etc etc. ( this has nothing to do with foster child rationale/but most foster parents are indeed wonderful/tho NOT all for sure)

So In your particular scenario...I would inform both of them thru well educated one's on the sensitivity to individual circumstances. Obviously the Autistic female twin may have difficulties expressing understanding..but male twin may be helped..with proper guidance .

Most adoptive children in my experience when learning later in years often speculate on the reasons for not being told... Some adoptive parents often find it too difficult to explain.. Most adopt out of need to love and nurture..but are unable to express it to a child..therefore the "stigma" that adult adoptee's feel is very real. Even tho mostly unfounded..It's just proof that "Ignorance" is NOT BLISS!!

Bless you for you having this concern.. Those "Chosen Children" out there thank you for that!!
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Old 12-27-2016, 08:56 PM
 
6,432 posts, read 3,049,168 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shooting Stars View Post
I am divorced, but still friends with my ex-husband and we talk on a regular basis on the phone.

My ex-husband's brother and sister-in-law adopted infant twins in 1992 - a boy and a girl. At the time of adoption, they were well into their forties. Within the last few years, first the mother died and then the father. The twins have just turned 24.

My ex-husband told me that prior to both parents getting sick, they told him that they'd never told their adopted son that he was adopted, and they had no intention of telling him. They made it clear that they didn't want him to know.

The adopted daughter is severely autistic, so she didn't come up.

It was quite a shock to me that they never told him . . . especially in this day and age. Naturally, I think the parents were wrong to withhold his own history from him. I no longer live in their state. I don't see the son and the only reason I found out about the secrecy was from my ex-husband.

If you were in my shoes, would you tell him? Since I am not close to him, it's not like I'd be there to pick up the pieces or offer support as a result of telling him something that would devastate him.

My ex-husband is one of two uncles. Neither uncle will violate the secret and would be enraged at me if I told. Their family has a lot of toxic energy that I don't want in my life.

On one hand, I hate knowing that the information was kept from him. On the other hand, I didn't create this mess, and other than phone conversations with my ex-husband, I am not part of that family anymore.

Thoughts?
I think since you are no longer a part of this family, it is not your place to tell the child he is adopted.

For example, if you found out this info about the kid down the street, would you feel any reason to tell him?

Its the same thing.

Leave your ex husbands family to their own devices.
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Old 12-27-2016, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Bloomington IN
6,497 posts, read 7,741,760 times
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I don't think any good can come from you telling the son. You're no longer part of the family, and it's really not your place to inform him of this.

20 plus years ago I was reading the personal ads in a large city newspaper. There was an ad that was seeking a birth mother. The birth mother's name, although fairly common, could have been the name of my aunt. The time frame of the birth didn't make a lot of sense to me given I had 2 cousins slightly older and one slightly younger than the birth date given. Other details, the hospital, made it possible that this person was looking for my aunt. I had never heard that my aunt had given up a child for adoption. She was married at that time. I mentally tucked it away as I was caring for my new born and 3 year. A few years later it came up for some reason in a discussion with my parents. Their jaws dropped when I told them. My aunt had given up a child for adoption at that time. I found the ad in a copy of the paper at the library and left it to my parents to share it.

The man did connect with my aunt a few years later. I don't know if my parents shared the ad or if he found her on his own. I met him once. His words to me, "Oh, you were the one that saw my ad." I said yes, but I wasn't aware of the adoption. He was fine with it.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

Last edited by rrah; 12-27-2016 at 09:13 PM..
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Old 12-28-2016, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
15,254 posts, read 12,502,221 times
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Id like to tell a wee story about neighbours we had when I was a little girl.... Im almost seventy now and only recently I found that I have two sisters younger than me that my mother had and adopted out... I knew nothing about this and even when my mother knew she hadnt long to live in 1999 she could have told me... Only her sisters and mother knew in the family, and no one mentioned anything while I was growing up... even my last living aunt whos in her 90s never let on.... What Id like to say is how the neighbours never once let on to me.. who knew about my mothers condition Im sure , but how they all stayed quiet and I never found out.. thats what I call keeping your big trap shut and what you should do too.......How theyve never found out though is hard to take in as surely they had to use their real birth names to get jobs etc.. Ive had so many shocks in my life.. first finding out from a school teacher that I didnt have a dad,, as I was brought up with my mothers sister and her husband and thought they were my parents.. big mouth teacher let it out in front of the whole class when I was 14,, I never got over it.... These things should be told to kids when their young but old enough to understand, not when their young adults or adults.. its not fair.
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Old 12-28-2016, 06:44 AM
 
6,071 posts, read 2,798,708 times
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The onus lays on the bloodline who held the "secret".

I was 50
Years old when a family secret came to light. My aunt blurted it out. I was devastated. Not at her. At every family member that knew and chose willingly to dismiss that I had a right to know. My ire was at the message and those whom in their eyes "didn't change the fact".

Some folks tend to shoot the messenger particularly when the messager knew for years and chose to say nothing.

Ask yourself, which messenger is best suited to answer the ensuing questions with empathy and diplomacy.
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Old 12-28-2016, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Glasgow Scotland
15,254 posts, read 12,502,221 times
Reputation: 22080
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
The onus lays on the bloodline who held the "secret".

I was 50
Years old when a family secret came to light. My aunt blurted it out. I was devastated. Not at her. At every family member that knew and chose willingly to dismiss that I had a right to know. My ire was at the message and those whom in their eyes "didn't change the fact".

Some folks tend to shoot the messenger particularly when the messager knew for years and chose to say nothing.

Ask yourself, which messenger is best suited to answer the ensuing questions with empathy and diplomacy.
I agree, Im not blaming my old aunt whos still alive but surely once my mum her sister died almost twenty years ago she could then have told me about these two sisters... She said she was sworn to secrecy, but hell how can you stop from telling someone such an important thing... Ive met one of my sisters and shes lovely and she had so many questions to ask about our mum , and I hope I managed to help her after sixty years.. The other sister we cant fine which is sad..I hate family secrets and our family hid plenty it seems. My silly teacher who let me know I didnt have a father in front of the class was the most worst thing she must have done in her life.. as she was a good teacher for the three years I had her... what the hell made her say that to me... Ill never forget it .it wasnt so much she said You dont have a dad but she was asking people out to her desk alphabetically to ask their dads name and occupation.. when it came to me five along the list she asked Mother name and occupation.. I smiled and said " miss youve made a mistake".... NO NO "she said " not a mistake... Mothers name please and her job..... silly woman. I felt sick and slumped back in my seat and couldnt talk to anyone about it , went home and prowled while my mum I lived with who was really my aunt was out and found my birth cert... my head was spinning... Fourteen is too old to tell someone this sort of thing..

Last edited by dizzybint; 12-28-2016 at 08:15 AM..
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:36 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,531 posts, read 28,441,660 times
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I despise the entire "family keeping big secrets" thing. So dishonest, so dysfunctional.

But, OP, I don't think you are close enough to be the one to tell. Maybe you are well off away from that family. I'd bet that the twins being adopted isn't the only big family secret and the twins are not the only ones being singled out to be the only family members in the entire family that don't know some big secret or another.

Is the family full of drinkers? That big secret keeping is so alcoholic in nature.
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Old 12-28-2016, 01:22 PM
 
5,128 posts, read 5,817,180 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post

I despise the entire "family keeping big secrets" thing. So dishonest, so dysfunctional.

But, OP, I don't think you are close enough to be the one to tell. Maybe you are well off away from that family. I'd bet that the twins being adopted isn't the only big family secret and the twins are not the only ones being singled out to be the only family members in the entire family that don't know some big secret or another.

Is the family full of drinkers? That big secret keeping is so alcoholic in nature.
Well, that made me laugh!

Not so much drinkers, but the family wasn't and isn't emotionally healthy.

Knowing them well, I'd say the parents didn't tell out of insecurity and selfishness. I think they were afraid that he'd want to meet his birth parents, and they were too insecure to handle it.

He was kept on a very short leash. When the mother died, the father insisted on the son keeping him company constantly. If he went out with friends, his father would call him and ask when he was coming home. When the dad got sick, he'd wake the son up at 3:00 in the morning if he felt he wanted company. The son was always at his beck and call, mostly only leaving the house for college classes.

Dysfunctional to say the least.
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