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Children will always - yes always - want to be with their biological parents if given any opportunity. There will always be a longing for the relationship to be restored. In many cases that may be a fantasy, without logic of any form, but it will still be there. There is, by all accounts and resources I have ever seen, no children "happy to just have a nice room, bed, plenty of food, good schools and be part of a family" in the system. That is only in the Hallmark movies.
The reality is, any child in the system awaiting placement in a permanent home has issues. The extent of those issues may not even be known to the social workers who have a case load four times anything their college professor ever told them they would have. The kids have likely been bounced from one care provider/counselor/case worker to another. The reasons they were removed from their home aren't even told to them sometimes, and if it is told to them, they may not understand it - they are kids. The fact is, they will have issues. The issues will be hard to deal with. It won't be like the Hallmark channel. Plan on it.
And that is why I have not adopted a child or taken in a foster. While I have an extra couple bedrooms and plenty of room to take in a few kids, I lack the patience to deal with issues beyond the normal kid antics.
Well whatever you decide, you could volunteer and be around kids. That Big Brother program comes to mind and there are many more programs / groups out there that could use volunteers. It's a way to help and a good way to be around kids without all the heartache. I don't know if the pediatric section of your hospital allows volunteers into their wing. Cancer patients? Or maybe that's too close to home. The local library? Elementary school?
You could host an exchange student. They are generally well-adjusted, they are happy to be part of a family, and they might call you mom/dad even years after they go home.
To all those who think all foster kids or older kids come with baggage this is not true or not so true these kids can not adjust. We have experience with foster children and we volunteer at one of our neighborhood schools. We work with kids that need a little extra attention. One we worked with for 2 years was a little girl who had been in foster care for several years and eventually adopted by a loving family. Yes she had some hang ups but was as well adjusted as many 8 year olds.
We have also been foster parents to children from 3 days old to teens. Many of those we have fostered, though coming from so many challenging backgrounds have been delightful. The biggest concerns are the teen agers. We have had foster kids, including a teenager, I might add, that 40 years later we are still in contact with. We almost adopted one little boy, but his parents decided not to surrender him.
As for visitation rights, as the OP mentioned, regardless of adopting through the foster system or an adoption agency this has become a common policy over the years. I do agree, it isn't the ideal situation or at least I would not be comfortable with adopting, knowing a child will be sharing 2 sets of parents. It is hard enough when they are simply foster kids.
And yes, op you will have to have a certain personality and attitude to consider adopting an older child period. It is a different situation than when you bring a new born into your home. If it were me, I would go the foster care route for awhile and see how you bond with older kids that may have had a very sad life up to the point they were placed in foster care.
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