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Old 06-28-2017, 01:32 PM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,702,776 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
I disagree 100%. Adoptive parents don't get to make those decisions for their adult children, It is up to the SON, not the mother, to decide if he wants contact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin View Post
The parenting (gatekeepers) duties of the 2nd parents have expired, so it's about him, only.
Are you people insane? As a birthmother, I gave away all of my rights, and the adoptive parents became THE PARENTS. If he doesn't know he is adopted, it could ruin the relationship between he and his parents now. How incredibly selfish to even think this way.
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Old 06-28-2017, 01:34 PM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,425 times
Reputation: 132
Thank you for sharing that convextech.
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Old 06-28-2017, 01:35 PM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,702,776 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
If someone can't handle that, then they shouldn't adopt.
Too late, and you are still hurting the CHILD not just "those parents".
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Old 06-28-2017, 03:17 PM
 
80 posts, read 62,930 times
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I am a mother to two children, one I gave birth to, and one through adoption. My daughter has known she's adopted since the beginning.

You really need to think about what you want out of this. If it's to make sure he's ok, you've already done that. If it's to be part of his life, tread carefully, it is an entire family you are coming into.

I'm also guessing that if he had any interest in finding his birth father, he would have done so already. Good luck.
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Old 06-28-2017, 08:36 PM
 
10,097 posts, read 6,321,928 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
After many years of looking I finally found my birth son on facebook(He is now 25). It was just a few weeks after i found the women... Well girl I had him with when we were 18.
I am looking for some advice. I feel like I shouldn't put him on the spot by reaching out to him out of the blue. I dont expect anything as far as a relationship. I mean I would love to have one but I am realistic in that it may not be his wish.
I did find his adoptive mother on facebook and after 2 weeks decided I would send her a PM to let her know I found him an if he was interested In any type of conversation at all I would love to talk with him. Even if its just for medical info. I just would like to let him know I am here and if at anytime he decides he would wanna talk he could find me. I let her know I didnt want to disrupt their family in anyway. I still remember our conversation before and right after the adoption that they planned on being open about the adoption.

BTW this was an open adoption and the first year we received photos and letters but once I moved I never got anything again.

Well its been two weeks and I have yet to get a reply from her. And actually you can see the PM wasn't read yet. Actually until she opens her facebook and sees the PM it isnt actually sent yet. Im guessing she doesn't log onto facebook much. I finally decided to "friend" her the other day in case the PM went to her "other" messages. Still hasn't logged on to facebook.
I was hoping I could talk with her so I dont interupt his life if this isnt something he wants.
So at this point I am not sure what I should do. Just leave it at that or what.
I have 2 friends that are adopted. One found his mother and they not have a relationship and the other wishes she could find her adoptive parents. Both of them have said they think at some point I should reach out if I don't hear from the mother.
I suppose I'm scared I'll reach out and i will either not get an answer or be told to go kick rocks. LOL

Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
I'd wait until she logs onto facebook and sees your message and friend request. It's summer, maybe she is on vacation or maybe she's just one of those who doesn't log on much. It could be that it's best for her to break the news to him, at this point who knows. Even though the kid is now 25 years old, this could come as a shock. You've got the ball rolling, give it some time. You'll know more when she logs on to facebook. If she doesn't respond, then you can contact him directly.
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Old 06-29-2017, 06:44 AM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,327,425 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Too late, and you are still hurting the CHILD not just "those parents".
The "child" in this case is a 25 year old adult male. Do you let your mother still make your decisions for you?
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Old 06-29-2017, 07:30 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,425 times
Reputation: 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by elan View Post
I'd wait until she logs onto facebook and sees your message and friend request. It's summer, maybe she is on vacation or maybe she's just one of those who doesn't log on much. It could be that it's best for her to break the news to him, at this point who knows. Even though the kid is now 25 years old, this could come as a shock. You've got the ball rolling, give it some time. You'll know more when she logs on to facebook. If she doesn't respond, then you can contact him directly.
Im pretty sure she logged on to her account. Although I am not sure exactly how facebook works but she is no longer in my outgoing friends request and the option to friend her is grayed out on her personal page. I read somewhere that this means she clicked on ignore with my friends request. I was not blocked so i am thinking my name didnt register with her and she just thought it was just a mistake or spam or something.

Last night I wrote a message to him on FB and IM'd it to him. But It appears it was sent to his filtered messages because it wasnt delivered. I think I'll just wait a few days and see if he sees it. Then my last resort is friending him of FB. I suppose sending him a friends request I will get an answer one way or the other without any dialog.
Thanks again for listening to me and sharing your thoughts with me.
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Old 06-30-2017, 09:38 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,682 posts, read 28,731,890 times
Reputation: 43739
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
.....The biological parents gave away their duties many years ago and it should be kept that way.
At his birth, his birth parents, his adoptive parents, and the state all conspired to strip the child of his identity, his nationality, his family health information, his relatives, and his family tree. The child has no say in that process at all. The "child" is now 25 and he is old enough to make his own decisions about whether or not he wants to meet his birth father.

All of you who claim that the son would have found his birth father by now if he wanted to meet his father, just exactly how do you think he would accomplish that? Especially if his adopted parents are determined that he will never learn who he is? It's not like there is a comprehensive directory somewhere that you can just look up who your birth parents were with a few clicks of a mouse.
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:32 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,425 times
Reputation: 132
Update:

So Wednesday night I finally decided to contact him through facebook messenger. I was worried he may not see the message but last night I got a notification that he saw my message.

In short I just told him I had been looking for him for a few years. I just wanted to let him know I was available if he was interested in talking or had any questions. I wasn't here to disrupt his life or his family.
Told him I understand if he didn't respond back but I couldn't just sit back knowing I found him and not let him know I was around if he wanted any contact with me.
He hasn't responded yet, hopefully in a few days he might but If he doesn't that's okay I think. Its a big relief just knowing he is aware that I am alive and am open to having any type of conversation.
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Old 06-30-2017, 10:39 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,702,776 times
Reputation: 41127
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
Update:

So Wednesday night I finally decided to contact him through facebook messenger. I was worried he may not see the message but last night I got a notification that he saw my message.

In short I just told him I had been looking for him for a few years. I just wanted to let him know I was available if he was interested in talking or had any questions. I wasn't here to disrupt his life or his family.
Told him I understand if he didn't respond back but I couldn't just sit back knowing I found him and not let him know I was around if he wanted any contact with me.
He hasn't responded yet, hopefully in a few days he might but If he doesn't that's okay I think. Its a big relief just knowing he is aware that I am alive and am open to having any type of conversation.
Can't wait to hear how it goes
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