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Old 07-07-2017, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,803,772 times
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No, I am not adopted. However, a good friend of mine went through this in our mid-twenties. He had no idea he was adopted. I don't know if the adoption was open or closed. I don't know what was agreed upon at the time of the adoption between the adoptive parents and birth mother.

What I do know is that he had suffered from clinical depression since high school. His "adoptive parents" were great people who did everything they could to get him help. Maybe this was one of the reasons they never told him he was adopted? Anyway, he gets a letter from his birth mother. The one he had no clue existed. At first, he thinks that it is some sick joke, but after confronting his parents he finally learns that it is true. As far as I know, he never even contacted the birth mother. Instead, two weeks after he received the letter he killed himself.

So, no. I was not adopted, but I saw what happened to my friend who found out that he was. OP, this is obviously the worst case scenerio, and my friend had clinical depression. He may have eventually done the same thing. Who knows? My only point in sharing this is because you have no idea about what is going on in your son's life. You don't know if he knows he was adopted. You don't know anything about his life experience. I know you have already contacted him, and I truly hope that you have a wonderful relationship from here on out. Good luck.
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Old 07-07-2017, 09:16 PM
 
838 posts, read 301,980 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
You said it was an open adoption. If so, did yourself and the birth mother visit with the baby after the birth? Didn't you keep a copy of the legal papers you signed giving up all rights to the child? Keep in mind that the son to whom you are a birth father may have a lot of difficult questions. Think about it, you were 18, many people are that young. You weren't sure your relationship would work out with the birth mother, lots of people in that boat too. You were concerned about finances, a lot of parents are, but they don't relinquish the rights to their children. Try to imagine yourself in the position of the son to whom you are a birth father, and this is the reason it is actually good to involve a 3rd party.



He contacted the mother, no response. The mother may know or have asked her son if he would be interested. OP claims it is an open adoption, and if so, waiting 25 years to visit with the birth son........



When one signs relinquishment papers, there are no "second parents", there is one set of parents, those that are taking responsibility for the child. You insist on minimizing adoptive parents, those that stepped up and provided everything the birth parents either were unable to provide or unwilling.



Depends on the agreement. Ours stated that birth parents were not to try to contact our son, that it would be up to our son to contact them or for them to go through the agency to see if our son would want to have contact with them.

There are no first and second families. Privilege of raising? Well, then, the birth parents had the privilege of not having the responsibility for raising a child that they gave birth too.

There are agreements in place. This all goes through the courts and all parties agree. I would think in the case of the OP, he feels that he and the birth mother could not have provided for the needs of a child in the fashion that they felt was needed. They signed relinquishment papers giving up all rights and responsibilities involving the child, there is no time limit on that. It is the choice of the adoptee to decide on whether or not they want to meet the birth parents. I have already listed the states that provide matching services and there are many private agencies. If this was an open adoption, someone should have a copy of the paperwork, perhaps the birth mother would have it as OP doesn't seem to know where his copy is.



You don't even know if information was withheld. Many adopted children have no desire to meet the birth parents that relinquished all rights and responsibilities. I think far too many birth parents want to believe that the reason the children they relinquished don't contact them is due to the adoptive parents, that is not the reality.

And, the adoptive parents don't simply parent a child, they take full responsibility for the child who is THEIR child.

In the case of abuse, neglect and/or exploitation where a child is removed from the home of the biological parents, all of this is much different which is not the case with the OP.

What age is a good age for someone to ask the Mom or Dad to meet their biological offspring - age 30, 40, 50, till the second parents die? Do those agreements go beyond the age of a minor child? If people are still asking your Mom and Dad if they can talk to you, then your perspective is plausible. My posts have been for the rights of an adult and others in like circumstances, real simple and your uncomfortableness is noted.
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Old 07-07-2017, 09:39 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,327,425 times
Reputation: 12914
Quote:
Originally Posted by Madeline2121 View Post
No, I am not adopted. However, a good friend of mine went through this in our mid-twenties. He had no idea he was adopted. I don't know if the adoption was open or closed. I don't know what was agreed upon at the time of the adoption between the adoptive parents and birth mother.

What I do know is that he had suffered from clinical depression since high school. His "adoptive parents" were great people who did everything they could to get him help. Maybe this was one of the reasons they never told him he was adopted? Anyway, he gets a letter from his birth mother. The one he had no clue existed. At first, he thinks that it is some sick joke, but after confronting his parents he finally learns that it is true. As far as I know, he never even contacted the birth mother. Instead, two weeks after he received the letter he killed himself.

So, no. I was not adopted, but I saw what happened to my friend who found out that he was. OP, this is obviously the worst case scenerio, and my friend had clinical depression. He may have eventually done the same thing. Who knows? My only point in sharing this is because you have no idea about what is going on in your son's life. You don't know if he knows he was adopted. You don't know anything about his life experience. I know you have already contacted him, and I truly hope that you have a wonderful relationship from here on out. Good luck.
I am very sorry about your friend. Clinical depression is a horrible illness.

But you cannot take a single, extreme example and attempt to apply it to all adoptees. However "wonderful" your friends parents were, by not telling him he was adopted, they lied to him his entire life. I don't know how long ago his adoption happened, but counselors and agencies have advised since at least the 1980s that adopted children be told they are adopted at the earliest possible age of understanding and have it be included as part of their life story, as something ordinary. There should never, ever be a "gotcha" moment when a teen or adult finds out that they were adopted and never told. The fault here does NOT lie with the birth parent - who had NO idea the son didn't know he was adopted- reaching out, but with the adoptive parents who were so insecure in their relationship with their child that they felt lying to him and denying him the right to know about his own life was better than being truthful.

Last edited by MoonBeam33; 07-07-2017 at 09:47 PM..
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Old 07-07-2017, 09:46 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,327,425 times
Reputation: 12914
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
Depends on the agreement. Ours stated that birth parents were not to try to contact our son, that it would be up to our son to contact them or for them to go through the agency to see if our son would want to have contact with them.
<snip>

There are agreements in place. This all goes through the courts and all parties agree. I would think in the case of the OP, he feels that he and the birth mother could not have provided for the needs of a child in the fashion that they felt was needed. They signed relinquishment papers giving up all rights and responsibilities involving the child, there is no time limit on that. It is the choice of the adoptee to decide on whether or not they want to meet the birth parents. I have already listed the states that provide matching services and there are many private agencies. If this was an open adoption, someone should have a copy of the paperwork, perhaps the birth mother would have it as OP doesn't seem to know where his copy is.
My goodness, do you really think those agreements are binding after the child reaches the age of majority? Do you really think that you have a piece of paper that says the birth parents can't reach out to your son when he's 25? 30? 50? And if they do, what are you going to do- sue them???

Tell me, how often do you let your Mom make major decisions for you and about you in your adult life?

When adopted children become adults THEY are the only ones who get to make decisions about who they do and do not let into their lives. You know, just like every other adult.
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Old 07-07-2017, 10:05 PM
 
Location: Mississippi
1,248 posts, read 1,803,772 times
Reputation: 2490
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
I am very sorry about your friend. Clinical depression is a horrible illness.

But you cannot take a single, extreme example and attempt to apply it to all adoptees. However "wonderful" your friends parents were, by not telling him he was adopted, they lied to him his entire life. I don't know how long ago his adoption happened, but counselors and agencies have advised since at least the 1980s that adopted children be told they are adopted at the earliest possible age of understanding and have it be included as part of their life story, as something ordinary. There should never, ever be a "gotcha" moment when a teen or adult finds out that they were adopted and never told. The fault here does NOT lie with the birth parent - who had NO idea the son didn't know he was adopted- reaching out, but with the adoptive parents who were so insecure in their relationship with their child that they felt lying to him and denying him the right to know about his own life was better than being truthful.
It was before the 1980's, although only about five years. In no way should my friend's story be the standard for birth parents contacting their children. He would have been clinically depressed no matter if his birth mother had contacted him or not. I merely wanted to tell the story of someone who is no longer capable of telling their story. I truly believe that it is a situation specific to each adoption.

OP, I think that in reflection on my original statement, I just wanted to clarify why my view was extreme. I apologize if my life experience bled into your situation. It is just still a great tragedy in my life.

I sincerely hope that you and your child develop a wonderful relationship.
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Old 07-07-2017, 10:08 PM
 
Location: California
9 posts, read 4,927 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33 View Post
You should reach out to your son directly, not to his adoptive mother. He is an adult, he doesn't need to get this kind of news from mom. Also, you have no idea what their relationship is like, and she might never tell him you reached out.

I am an adult adoptee and found my birthparents over 20 years ago. Reach out to him.
I agree with this
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Old 07-08-2017, 12:24 AM
 
158 posts, read 90,292 times
Reputation: 593
I am an adult adoptee. I would have given an arm and leg for my original parents to have contacted me me on my 18th birthday. As it happened, I got the so-called "right" to send my original mother letters through an intermediary. Yeah, that's super satisfying. I guess she doesn't care. My original father passed away before I was able to contact him, but I am getting to know my half brother and that is just so lovely. Our dad had told him about me, and I presume thought about and cared about me enough to do so, and it means a lot. So do it OP. He has the right to know.
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Old 07-10-2017, 08:04 AM
 
16,720 posts, read 14,702,776 times
Reputation: 41127
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
There are no first and second families. Privilege of raising? Well, then, the birth parents had the privilege of not having the responsibility for raising a child that they gave birth too.
...
Many adopted children have no desire to meet the birth parents that relinquished all rights and responsibilities. I think far too many birth parents want to believe that the reason the children they relinquished don't contact them is due to the adoptive parents, that is not the reality.
Bingo on both counts.

As both an adoptee and a birthmother, I have no rights to the child I gave up, so I ONLY contacted his Mother. Yes, His one and only Mother, for I gave up that right.

I also did not care to meet my birthparents. It was my Mother who signed up for the adoption forums because she wanted to thank her. After she died, I did not continue the search myself.
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Old 07-10-2017, 09:50 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,425 times
Reputation: 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnywhereElse View Post
You said it was an open adoption. If so, did yourself and the birth mother visit with the baby after the birth? Didn't you keep a copy of the legal papers you signed giving up all rights to the child? Keep in mind that the son to whom you are a birth father may have a lot of difficult questions. Think about it, you were 18, many people are that young. You weren't sure your relationship would work out with the birth mother, lots of people in that boat too. You were concerned about finances, a lot of parents are, but they don't relinquish the rights to their children. Try to imagine yourself in the position of the son to whom you are a birth father, and this is the reason it is actually good to involve a 3rd party.



He contacted the mother, no response. The mother may know or have asked her son if he would be interested. OP claims it is an open adoption, and if so, waiting 25 years to visit with the birth son........


Not only did we visit with the baby we ended up changing our minds at the hospital and kept him. We kept him fo 5-6 weeks before being served papers by their lawyers.
I have no papers. Again unless you yourself have gone through this you have no idea what kind of stress we went though.
I appreciate the judgement as far as relationship statues and finances. You tell me to imagine myslef in the position of the child... I did if I were him I would would at least want the option to decide if I want to contact -my birth father. Perhaps you should imagine being an 17-18 year old kid with no family around and going through this all alone. It wasnt easy.
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Old 07-12-2017, 12:16 PM
 
838 posts, read 301,980 times
Reputation: 1084
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
Not only did we visit with the baby we ended up changing our minds at the hospital and kept him. We kept him fo 5-6 weeks before being served papers by their lawyers.
I have no papers. Again unless you yourself have gone through this you have no idea what kind of stress we went though.
I appreciate the judgement as far as relationship statues and finances. You tell me to imagine myslef in the position of the child... I did if I were him I would would at least want the option to decide if I want to contact -my birth father. Perhaps you should imagine being an 17-18 year old kid with no family around and going through this all alone. It wasnt easy.
Obviously, this was an adoption that was not supposed to happen. The reason is adoption is for infants/children that need homes - evidently the prospective parents did not understand the purpose of adoption, or were at the mercy of lawyers \ agency of losing money or maybe actually understood the purpose of adoption but just coveted a baby too much (hope not). In their right mind, they would have welcomed the return of the infant back to the parents (as long as they weren't criminals). Although you were taken advantage of, any mention of this version of events needs to be worded delicately (if at all) because his relationship with his second parents are whom he identifies with.
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