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Old 08-31-2017, 09:12 PM
 
Location: State of Denial
1,910 posts, read 960,948 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayafternoons View Post
Kaliman,
That poster is a poster child for adoptive parents if you know what I mean, so take what they say with keeping the source in mind
Kind of like you're the poster child for anti-adoption, if you know what I mean? So I guess everyone should take what you say with keeping the source in mind.
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Old 08-31-2017, 09:32 PM
 
Location: SoFlo
783 posts, read 536,642 times
Reputation: 1492
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin View Post
The parenting (gatekeepers) duties of the 2nd parents have expired, so it's about him, only.

while you are right that the son has a right to know about his mother and of course it is his choice about whether to have a relationship with his birth mother, this comment sounds very insensitive. i am sure the woman that raised him doesnt feel that her parenting need has expired or was some kind of duty.
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Old 08-31-2017, 10:03 PM
 
838 posts, read 301,745 times
Reputation: 1084
Quote:
Originally Posted by klaucka View Post
while you are right that the son has a right to know about his mother and of course it is his choice about whether to have a relationship with his birth mother, this comment sounds very insensitive. i am sure the woman that raised him doesnt feel that her parenting need has expired or was some kind of duty.
She'll be fine because parenting is a privilege and not about being reciprocated, although that's a bonus.
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Old 08-31-2017, 10:19 PM
 
493 posts, read 426,813 times
Reputation: 947
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu View Post
Agree!!


Disagree!!!

Sorry, but the birth parents give up all rights to be a parent to any children they give up for adoption. It's not fair to the adoptive parents who put in all that love, work and money to raise an adoptee, then have done ALL the childrearing work, then have birth parents swoop into to claim them as their birth child. That's like treating adopters as free babysitters!!

When has any birth parent offered to reimburse the adoptive parents for the costs of feeding, clothing, and schooling of their child or children?

There's so much more to being a parent than just conceiving and then birthing it.

If we are talking about ADULTS then the adoptive parents of a now adult child have NO say on the matter, none!
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Old 08-31-2017, 10:30 PM
 
Location: SoFlo
783 posts, read 536,642 times
Reputation: 1492
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin View Post
She'll be fine because parenting is a privilege and not about being reciprocated, although that's a bonus.
you make it sound so cut and dry as if there werent a lot of complex emotions around this. on paper it sounds great that parenting is all privilege but the reality is that most people have children (and i feel this applies probably even more to birth parents) to have a mini me, unconditional love, or express a biological need. yes there is some element of wanting to care for another being, but i believe those more selfish elements play a part as well. its just human nature.
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Old 09-01-2017, 06:07 AM
 
838 posts, read 301,745 times
Reputation: 1084
Quote:
Originally Posted by klaucka View Post
you make it sound so cut and dry as if there werent a lot of complex emotions around this. on paper it sounds great that parenting is all privilege but the reality is that most people have children (and i feel this applies probably even more to birth parents) to have a mini me, unconditional love, or express a biological need. yes there is some element of wanting to care for another being, but i believe those more selfish elements play a part as well. its just human nature.
Adults are not in debt to their parents. Their parents got what they wanted, the privilege of parenting. Insensitive, maybe. Cut and Dry, no. Uncomfortable to think about, yes.
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Old 09-03-2017, 07:25 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,689 posts, read 21,356,094 times
Reputation: 8862
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
Thank you for your reply. I certainly expect an adoptive parent to have some insecurities about contact. And I understand why. But my intent is purely to reach out and see if he wanted any type of contact.
I am sure many adoptee's want contact with their BP's just as many have no desire to know their BP's.

I did send him a message back in early June. Just letting him know I am not looking for anything and don't want to disrupt his life. I just want to let him know if he has any questions or would like to talk he will know I am open and available.
I have no idea if he wanted to find me but was worried about disrupting my life or perhaps I wouldn't want any contact.

He did in fact read it.(Got the notification on facebook) But he hasn't responded. Not what I was obviously hoping for but at least he now knows where I am and can contact me if he ever wants to.

I want to message him again but I know I cant. I have to give him his space and hopefully one day I will hear from him. If not then it will be something I have to be okay with.
I do hope you eventually hear back from him. I wonder why he hasn't said anything at all and if he's told his adoptive parents. Did you give him your cell number to text?

Have you spoken to your ex girl friend to see what kind of relationship she had with him or his family? It's possible she was also out of his life too. If that's the case, it's possible he didn't even know he's adopted.

Look at Catelynn and Tyler from teen mom, they were supposed to have an open adoption with their daughter Carly but it looks like the adoptive parents cut them off.

You contacted him in June, I'd say wait until Halloween or Thanksgiving to say happy holiday to him. I'm glad you decided to reach out to him.

Consider doing something for him such as a photo site where he can see your side of the family and/or a family tree for him on Ancestry, add some photos to it. Also compile whatever health info you have. I have a tutorial - Family tree and DNA general instructions

Why Don’t We See Carly on ‘Teen Mom OG’? Get the Latest Update on Catelynn and Tyler’s Firstborn

Quote:
During season 6 of the hit MTV, Brandon and Teresa issued a simple request — to stop talking about their daughter on TV and social media, or risk losing their visitation. In one particularly emotional scene, Tyler explained why he wasn’t willing to change his ways (even if it meant losing contact with his child).

“This is what I do, I share my life story,” he said to his father, Butch. “If [they] think I’m not going to talk about it and express how I feel about Carly and this relationship...well, sorry. If that costs me the ultimate cost, well…”

Of course, the “ultimate cost” referred to losing his visitation rights with his firstborn child.

As of late, it’s unclear whether or not Cate and Ty still have visitation, though many fans have speculated that they no longer see the child they gave up back in high school.
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:16 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,398 times
Reputation: 132
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I do hope you eventually hear back from him. I wonder why he hasn't said anything at all and if he's told his adoptive parents. Did you give him your cell number to text?

Have you spoken to your ex girl friend to see what kind of relationship she had with him or his family? It's possible she was also out of his life too. If that's the case, it's possible he didn't even know he's adopted.

Look at Catelynn and Tyler from teen mom, they were supposed to have an open adoption with their daughter Carly but it looks like the adoptive parents cut them off.

You contacted him in June, I'd say wait until Halloween or Thanksgiving to say happy holiday to him. I'm glad you decided to reach out to him.

Consider doing something for him such as a photo site where he can see your side of the family and/or a family tree for him on Ancestry, add some photos to it. Also compile whatever health info you have. I have a tutorial - Family tree and DNA general instructions

Why Don’t We See Carly on ‘Teen Mom OG’? Get the Latest Update on Catelynn and Tyler’s Firstborn
I am not real sure why he hasnt responded. I have two really good friends who are adopted that I have leaned on with this. One has contact with his BP and the other doesn't and really isn't interested in having contact but both said I should at least reach out and put the ball in his court.
Both have told me while he hasn't responded he also hasnt blocked me from facebook so it could be his way to keep the door slightly open. This is why I sent the second message to tell him a little about my life.

After the second message I think at this point I should give him a break and not push to much. Give him some time.

I have spoken to my ex/his birth mother. I actually just found her (on facebook) while attempting to find him in hopes she was still in touch with the family. She didnt and said it was too tough for her to handle. She now has a family and we didnt get into it too much but I dont think her husband and children know about the adoption. She now knows I found him but we havent spoken since I told her so she has no idea I have reached out to him. I was going to wait till he responded to tell her but since he hasnt replied I wasnt going to say anything to her.

I honestly dont know where I will go from here besides give him some time. Its a tough pill to swallow since we both made what we think and still think was the best decision for him. I really hope one day he can understand why we did what we did.

I can never understand how hard it was for him or what he's had to deal with because of our decision but I just hope he can one day at least reach out and let me explain what we were thinking.


Thank you roselvr for the reply
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:26 AM
 
46 posts, read 22,080 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin View Post
Adults are not in debt to their parents. Their parents got what they wanted, the privilege of parenting. Insensitive, maybe. Cut and Dry, no. Uncomfortable to think about, yes.

That's an interesting way to look at things.

Most parents raised their child. They fed, educated, financially supported, cared for, loved. A child is not self-sufficient. Without a parent, the child would perish.

Everyone's situation is different. I believe that for the majority of people, there is certainly a debt owed to one's parents.

So once you turn 18/21 you just walk away and say "*********, I owe you nothing."? That's stone cold. If one of my children felt that way, I would seriously re-evaluate my entire life.

Last edited by joef279; 09-05-2017 at 09:47 AM..
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Old 09-05-2017, 09:46 AM
 
46 posts, read 22,080 times
Reputation: 199
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
After the second message I think at this point I should give him a break and not push to much. Give him some time.
I mentioned this in an earlier post... are you sure he has seen the FB messages? FB Messages from someone not on your friend list go into a different inbox, which can be difficult to access.

I was trying to reach a "relative" found via DNA testing. Found him on FB. Sent messages to him, then sent messages to his sons. Never heard back from any of them. Fast forward to a few months later, I found a phone number and called. He was _very_ helpful and happy to share plenty of genealogy into he had put together. None of the FB recipients every saw my messages.

No idea if this applies to you. Unless you are sure he read the message, it is also possible he has not. Food for thought.

You might consider waiting a little bit and then attempt contact via another, non-FB method. If you are locked into FB, you can also try sending a friend request rather than another message.

Or go through his friend list to see if you have a connection to anyone. You might have to dance around the reason for contact, but it could provide a way to make sure your next attempt to communicate gets through.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr
Consider doing something for him such as a photo site where he can see your side of the family and/or a family tree for him on Ancestry, add some photos to it. Also compile whatever health info you have. I have a tutorial - Family tree and DNA general instructions
This sounds like a good idea. No disrespect to Roselvr, but there is another side to this. Some of the "adoption reunion" advice out there recommends against this approach. The thinking is that if you unilaterally give up all your information, the other party loses much of the incentive to respond.

Think about it... maybe he is curious to know what you look like or is interested in health information. Once he has that, what becomes the incentive to respond? He gets everything and you get nothing. Not even a response.

I know it sounds calculating, but some quid pro quo isn't necessarily a bad thing.
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