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So Wednesday night I finally decided to contact him through facebook messenger. I was worried he may not see the message but last night I got a notification that he saw my message.
In short I just told him I had been looking for him for a few years. I just wanted to let him know I was available if he was interested in talking or had any questions. I wasn't here to disrupt his life or his family.
Told him I understand if he didn't respond back but I couldn't just sit back knowing I found him and not let him know I was around if he wanted any contact with me.
He hasn't responded yet, hopefully in a few days he might but If he doesn't that's okay I think. Its a big relief just knowing he is aware that I am alive and am open to having any type of conversation.
You handled it in the best way in your mind and I hope it works out for you, but you were taking a chance. You might disrupt your son and it may come back to haunt you. Do keep us up to date. and good luck.
Im pretty sure she logged on to her account. Although I am not sure exactly how facebook works but she is no longer in my outgoing friends request and the option to friend her is grayed out on her personal page. I read somewhere that this means she clicked on ignore with my friends request. I was not blocked so i am thinking my name didnt register with her and she just thought it was just a mistake or spam or something.
Last night I wrote a message to him on FB and IM'd it to him. But It appears it was sent to his filtered messages because it wasnt delivered. I think I'll just wait a few days and see if he sees it. Then my last resort is friending him of FB. I suppose sending him a friends request I will get an answer one way or the other without any dialog.
Thanks again for listening to me and sharing your thoughts with me.
Why not just try calling them?
The sound of a human voice on the telephone makes it more real. You can also tell by the tone of the voice how they react.
It's going to be a shock regardless, doing it over the computer like you're trying to reconnect with a HS friend from 25 years ago doesn't seem like the best approach.
If you spoke to the adoptive mother her reaction over the phone would tell you what you want to know. Is she hesitant, does she hang up, or is she willing to talk.
I would not reach out to him directly. You need to go through the mother. She raised the child you didn't. He may not even know he is adopted. Do you really want to go in this like a bull in a china shop??? Think carefully before charging in...
I would not reach out to him directly. You need to go through the mother. She raised the child you didn't. He may not even know he is adopted. Do you really want to go in this like a bull in a china shop??? Think carefully before charging in...
Op, just because someone was adopted, does not make them a "child" forever. This is the kind of stigma we are seeing here.
Conversely, he may have been told a tale that's untrue or he may have filled in the gaps. It is a real possibility but of course that is not your focus. (I'm just mentioning this, since folks are making assumptions that all is well.)
If he has a good relationship with his second parents, then he will let them know.
Last edited by Middletwin; 07-06-2017 at 09:35 PM..
That is what I would do. Also, this doesn't really sound like an "open" adoption with only identity shared along with pictures and letters. We adopted through a private adoption agency, a "closed" adoption and we provided those things. Also, in the termination of rights of the birth parents, it took away ALL rights to the child from the date it was signed. The child was no longer their child. The agency provided health information to us provided at that time by the birth parents. The agency would be the go-between if the birth parents wanted to contact our son. If they wanted an update, that information came through the agency. Open adoption just doesn't sound correct as usually in this case, the birth family has contact with the child.
The contact should have been made through the agency. They generally provide that service.
There are NO 2nd parents. There are birth parents who legally terminated ALL rights to the child and the adoptive parents who were there for the child. Big difference.
You are correct. I am surprised at the ignorance of adoption being shown by some of the posters here. I still say the agency should be contacted or some other 3rd party of which there are choices.
No, the problem is with someone that did not parent and wants to step into the life of an individual who may know nothing of them at all.
Not true at all. Keep in mind the mother may have asked whether the son would ever be interested in meeting their child and if this were an open adoption where the birth family was welcome to make contact throughout the time the child was growing up and it takes 25 years for interest to develop.......
We don't know if this son knows that he is adopted, that is why I think a 3rd party needs to be used in this case, and we agree on that. OP states it was an open adoption, which would indicate the OP was welcome to be involved in the child's life, but just got interested now. In our case, the birth parents were not to contact our son, it was left up to the child. The birth mother said she might want to meet him and the birth father wasn't sure he would ever want to meet our son.
As an adoptive parent, thank you for your comment. As you probably know, contact is left up to the child, there are services that are available to connect those looking. If our son's birth parents were to contact the agency and wanted contact with our son, now that he is an adult, I would be agreeable to that. I would say that having the adoptive parents on board with a meeting would be a huge plus.
We adopted a baby with Down syndrome, and we were thrilled to be chosen to parent our son. We are very thankful to the birth parents, we understood that it was a tough decision for them and that they wanted the best for him. Our son is aware that he is adopted, and that was a requirement of the agency that he be told although I would rather it be "out there" than have someone that appears to him as a stranger claiming to be his "mom" or "dad".
I have read so many stories about adoption even before we adopted.
OP needs to read the agreement, "termination of rights" and any agency documents that were signed.
Excellent post.
What on earth are you talking about? What horrible thing to say! OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
Agencies provide packets of information provided by the birth family. They didn't include a "family tree", but frankly, many people don't care about that and with the birth family information provided, one could search for that.
He could find the birth father either by contacting the agency, and if not that, he could list his name saying he was searching for his birth parent(s), some states actually do this as a service for those adopted in their state. OP states this is an "open" adoption, so the child may very well know the names of the birth parents. Do you know what an "open" adoption is?
The reality is both the first and second parents have no claim over this adult and both sets of parents, deserve to be in this adult's life, if this adult wants it. And yes, this human was stripped of his original identity and deserves the opportunity to re-claim it, if that is what he wants. We know his identity was stripped because it costs him MORE to get his original birth certificate than someone raised by their bio-parents. He can have both his first and second families, if that is what he wants. This post is the antithesis for the inherent worth of another human being - one who adoptive parents had the privilege of raising were it not for the original parents. Otherwise, this post makes perfect sense if one owned another human being.
The question gets asked of people who have a preconceived opinion not based on reason or actual experience. On a positive note, adoptive parents who may not be adopted themselves, but are secure in their relationships don't withhold information nor lord over communication of other adults on the basis that they once parented the adult when the adult was a minor.
Definitely not. But NON-adopted people speaking FOR adopted people is not ok. If you are not adopted, you cannot imagine what it is like to be adopted- both the good stuff and the bad stuff.
PLease keep in mind I was just a kid myself when this happened.I have no idea what agency it was. I vaguely remember signing something. You've have got to remember this was a very stress time especially for two teenagers with zero support from our family.Both lived out of state and had no clue this was going on.
It was the right decision at the time and I spent many years upset that I did that and was embarrassed by the fact we couldn't care of our child. Well we could have but both of us were in minimum wage jobs obviously not married and I guarantee we would have been on government assistance for years to come and living in Sec 8 housing etc.
What are the chances two 18 year old's would stay together? Not good. And in fact we didn't. After 2 years surprisingly we went our separate ways.
Once I was older and matured the embarrassment faded and I began to realise I did the best thing for him.
I suppose you can say I regret it because I never ended up having children of my own but I know he had a better opportunity to have a good life with his adopted parents then with me.
Judge me as you wish. Im not trying to be his father. Im not trying to be anything but available if he so chooses.
You said it was an open adoption. If so, did yourself and the birth mother visit with the baby after the birth? Didn't you keep a copy of the legal papers you signed giving up all rights to the child? Keep in mind that the son to whom you are a birth father may have a lot of difficult questions. Think about it, you were 18, many people are that young. You weren't sure your relationship would work out with the birth mother, lots of people in that boat too. You were concerned about finances, a lot of parents are, but they don't relinquish the rights to their children. Try to imagine yourself in the position of the son to whom you are a birth father, and this is the reason it is actually good to involve a 3rd party.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tominftl
I would not reach out to him directly. You need to go through the mother. She raised the child you didn't. He may not even know he is adopted. Do you really want to go in this like a bull in a china shop??? Think carefully before charging in...
He contacted the mother, no response. The mother may know or have asked her son if he would be interested. OP claims it is an open adoption, and if so, waiting 25 years to visit with the birth son........
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin
Op, just because someone was adopted, does not make them a "child" forever. This is the kind of stigma we are seeing here.
Conversely, he may have been told a tale that's untrue or he may have filled in the gaps. It is a real possibility but of course that is not your focus. (I'm just mentioning this, since folks are making assumptions that all is well.)
If he has a good relationship with his second parents, then he will let them know.
When one signs relinquishment papers, there are no "second parents", there is one set of parents, those that are taking responsibility for the child. You insist on minimizing adoptive parents, those that stepped up and provided everything the birth parents either were unable to provide or unwilling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin
The reality is both the first and second parents have no claim over this adult and both sets of parents, deserve to be in this adult's life, if this adult wants it. And yes, this human was stripped of his original identity and deserves the opportunity to re-claim it, if that is what he wants. We know his identity was stripped because it costs him MORE to get his original birth certificate than someone raised by their bio-parents. He can have both his first and second families, if that is what he wants. This post is the antithesis for the inherent worth of another human being - one who adoptive parents had the privilege of raising were it not for the original parents. Otherwise, this post makes perfect sense if one owned another human being.
Depends on the agreement. Ours stated that birth parents were not to try to contact our son, that it would be up to our son to contact them or for them to go through the agency to see if our son would want to have contact with them.
There are no first and second families. Privilege of raising? Well, then, the birth parents had the privilege of not having the responsibility for raising a child that they gave birth too.
There are agreements in place. This all goes through the courts and all parties agree. I would think in the case of the OP, he feels that he and the birth mother could not have provided for the needs of a child in the fashion that they felt was needed. They signed relinquishment papers giving up all rights and responsibilities involving the child, there is no time limit on that. It is the choice of the adoptee to decide on whether or not they want to meet the birth parents. I have already listed the states that provide matching services and there are many private agencies. If this was an open adoption, someone should have a copy of the paperwork, perhaps the birth mother would have it as OP doesn't seem to know where his copy is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin
The question gets asked of people who have a preconceived opinion not based on reason or actual experience. On a positive note, adoptive parents who may not be adopted themselves, but are secure in their relationships don't withhold information nor lord over communication of other adults on the basis that they once parented the adult when the adult was a minor.
You don't even know if information was withheld. Many adopted children have no desire to meet the birth parents that relinquished all rights and responsibilities. I think far too many birth parents want to believe that the reason the children they relinquished don't contact them is due to the adoptive parents, that is not the reality.
And, the adoptive parents don't simply parent a child, they take full responsibility for the child who is THEIR child.
In the case of abuse, neglect and/or exploitation where a child is removed from the home of the biological parents, all of this is much different which is not the case with the OP.
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OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
