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I am an adoptive parent, and I agree that there is no need to go through the mom, but that you should just contact your son directly.
However, I think you should realize that if he wanted to be in contact with you, he probably would have reached out to you by now, especially as it was an open adoption. Although it was a different situation with my daughter -- her birthparents' rights were involuntarily terminated when she was five, and we adopted her when it was six, which was VERY traumatic for her -- she found her birthmom by going online when she was 18. Your son is obviously intelligent and capable, so I think he would have found you by now if he was interested. (Or, of course, perhaps he was just too scared/nervous to reach out to you due to fear of rejection or whatever.)
In any case, I think you should try to contact him, but just be aware that it might not be all 100% sunshine and happily-ever-after, although I do wish you and your son the best!
I have to respectfully disagree with the one part above that says if he wanted to contact the birth mom he already would have. It's been my experience (w my own adoptive mother how she was to me and my also adopted sister, as well as two friends who were adopted) that adoptive parents oftentimes either directly or indirectly, whether they may realize or not, give their adopted child the message that they would discourage, be disappointed or hurt in some way if they were to want to contact their birth parents, and the adopted is made to feel (whether it's intentional or more indirect) responsibility for the feelings of his adoptive parents, a duty to shield the truth of their own feelings or need to connect with their birth parents from the adoptive oarents
PLease keep in mind I was just a kid myself when this happened.I have no idea what agency it was. I vaguely remember signing something. You've have got to remember this was a very stress time especially for two teenagers with zero support from our family.Both lived out of state and had no clue this was going on.
It was the right decision at the time and I spent many years upset that I did that and was embarrassed by the fact we couldn't care of our child. Well we could have but both of us were in minimum wage jobs obviously not married and I guarantee we would have been on government assistance for years to come and living in Sec 8 housing etc.
What are the chances two 18 year old's would stay together? Not good. And in fact we didn't. After 2 years surprisingly we went our separate ways.
Once I was older and matured the embarrassment faded and I began to realise I did the best thing for him.
I suppose you can say I regret it because I never ended up having children of my own but I know he had a better opportunity to have a good life with his adopted parents then with me.
Judge me as you wish. Im not trying to be his father. Im not trying to be anything but available if he so chooses.
Kaliman,
That poster is a poster child for adoptive parents if you know what I mean, so take what they say with keeping the source in mind
That is what I would do. Also, this doesn't really sound like an "open" adoption with only identity shared along with pictures and letters. We adopted through a private adoption agency, a "closed" adoption and we provided those things. Also, in the termination of rights of the birth parents, it took away ALL rights to the child from the date it was signed. The child was no longer their child. The agency provided health information to us provided at that time by the birth parents. The agency would be the go-between if the birth parents wanted to contact our son. If they wanted an update, that information came through the agency. Open adoption just doesn't sound correct as usually in this case, the birth family has contact with the child.
The contact should have been made through the agency. They generally provide that service.
There are NO 2nd parents. There are birth parents who legally terminated ALL rights to the child and the adoptive parents who were there for the child. Big difference.
You are correct. I am surprised at the ignorance of adoption being shown by some of the posters here. I still say the agency should be contacted or some other 3rd party of which there are choices.
No, the problem is with someone that did not parent and wants to step into the life of an individual who may know nothing of them at all.
Not true at all. Keep in mind the mother may have asked whether the son would ever be interested in meeting their child and if this were an open adoption where the birth family was welcome to make contact throughout the time the child was growing up and it takes 25 years for interest to develop.......
We don't know if this son knows that he is adopted, that is why I think a 3rd party needs to be used in this case, and we agree on that. OP states it was an open adoption, which would indicate the OP was welcome to be involved in the child's life, but just got interested now. In our case, the birth parents were not to contact our son, it was left up to the child. The birth mother said she might want to meet him and the birth father wasn't sure he would ever want to meet our son.
As an adoptive parent, thank you for your comment. As you probably know, contact is left up to the child, there are services that are available to connect those looking. If our son's birth parents were to contact the agency and wanted contact with our son, now that he is an adult, I would be agreeable to that. I would say that having the adoptive parents on board with a meeting would be a huge plus.
We adopted a baby with Down syndrome, and we were thrilled to be chosen to parent our son. We are very thankful to the birth parents, we understood that it was a tough decision for them and that they wanted the best for him. Our son is aware that he is adopted, and that was a requirement of the agency that he be told although I would rather it be "out there" than have someone that appears to him as a stranger claiming to be his "mom" or "dad".
I have read so many stories about adoption even before we adopted.
OP needs to read the agreement, "termination of rights" and any agency documents that were signed.
Excellent post.
What on earth are you talking about? What horrible thing to say! OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
Agencies provide packets of information provided by the birth family. They didn't include a "family tree", but frankly, many people don't care about that and with the birth family information provided, one could search for that.
He could find the birth father either by contacting the agency, and if not that, he could list his name saying he was searching for his birth parent(s), some states actually do this as a service for those adopted in their state. OP states this is an "open" adoption, so the child may very well know the names of the birth parents. Do you know what an "open" adoption is?
Anywhere--
You are anywhere but in the reality of what adoption really is about, and I could understand why that is... however the reality you need to create for yourself keep in mind probably is not the reality of what adoption is. It is exactly this kind of mindset I'm talking about
What age is a good age for someone to ask the Mom or Dad to meet their biological offspring - age 30, 40, 50, till the second parents die? Do those agreements go beyond the age of a minor child? If people are still asking your Mom and Dad if they can talk to you, then your perspective is plausible. My posts have been for the rights of an adult and others in like circumstances, real simple and your uncomfortableness is noted.
Yes, it is definitely noted. The mentality that the adoptee is basically owned and a child forever. Some people you can't lie to them, to others you can't tell them the truth as the saying goes
You keep yours and I will keep mine as this was not a "personal" attack. A poster asked another person (not yourself) whether they were adopted. My guess was she was not and turns out she wasn't. I am not sure how you interjected yourself into that, seems like it hit some type of nerve. Whatever pain you carry from the adoption experiences may be coloring how you see things- just a thought based on your super offended reply to a post that was not even referencing yourself
Speaking from the position of being adopted myself, my strong recommendation to you is DO IT... I'm sorry but not at all surprised his adoptive mother didn't even bother to respond to your message-- I will catch some flak here especially from other adoptive parents however it has been my longtime and firsthand experience that as a rule of thumb adoptive parents have some degree of insecurity and jealousy towards the birth mother. So, I am not surprised at all by her lack of response to your message.
You said it was an open adoption and let's just say that open is a term that often closes after a brief time where the adoptive parents renig to some degree or altogether on the agreed on conditions of pictures, updates etc and SO, again, sorry but not surprised the adoptive parents didn't follow through on their end of the agreement after the first year.
Based on that and just what I've known from my own adoptive mother and a couple of friends who were adopted, I would venture to say your sons adoptive parents either indirectly or directly gave him the message that they would be hurt/ disapprove of or feel disappointed if he contacted you. So to answer your question, I would reach out to him, tell him you are not wanting to force anything however you have thought of him often over the years and in your own words express your love and care for him and that if he wants to call or write you. That he can decide on how much or what that contact would look like. Please post back to update how it went or what you decided,.. wishing you a good outcome⭐️
Thank you for your reply. I certainly expect an adoptive parent to have some insecurities about contact. And I understand why. But my intent is purely to reach out and see if he wanted any type of contact.
I am sure many adoptee's want contact with their BP's just as many have no desire to know their BP's.
I did send him a message back in early June. Just letting him know I am not looking for anything and don't want to disrupt his life. I just want to let him know if he has any questions or would like to talk he will know I am open and available.
I have no idea if he wanted to find me but was worried about disrupting my life or perhaps I wouldn't want any contact.
He did in fact read it.(Got the notification on facebook) But he hasn't responded. Not what I was obviously hoping for but at least he now knows where I am and can contact me if he ever wants to.
I want to message him again but I know I cant. I have to give him his space and hopefully one day I will hear from him. If not then it will be something I have to be okay with.
Whatever pain you carry from the adoption experiences may be coloring how you see things
Considering your other thread, this made me laugh.
I grew up in a wonderful, loving home, and I chose to give up a child when I was young because I had had such a good upbringing and new that it was the best for all involved. I now have two great kids through my husband.
Every adoption is different, and your opinions do not override anyone else's. They are only opinions.
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OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
