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Old 06-23-2017, 11:58 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,336 times
Reputation: 132

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After many years of looking I finally found my birth son on facebook(He is now 25). It was just a few weeks after i found the women... Well girl I had him with when we were 18.
I am looking for some advice. I feel like I shouldn't put him on the spot by reaching out to him out of the blue. I dont expect anything as far as a relationship. I mean I would love to have one but I am realistic in that it may not be his wish.
I did find his adoptive mother on facebook and after 2 weeks decided I would send her a PM to let her know I found him an if he was interested In any type of conversation at all I would love to talk with him. Even if its just for medical info. I just would like to let him know I am here and if at anytime he decides he would wanna talk he could find me. I let her know I didnt want to disrupt their family in anyway. I still remember our conversation before and right after the adoption that they planned on being open about the adoption.

BTW this was an open adoption and the first year we received photos and letters but once I moved I never got anything again.

Well its been two weeks and I have yet to get a reply from her. And actually you can see the PM wasn't read yet. Actually until she opens her facebook and sees the PM it isnt actually sent yet. Im guessing she doesn't log onto facebook much. I finally decided to "friend" her the other day in case the PM went to her "other" messages. Still hasn't logged on to facebook.
I was hoping I could talk with her so I dont interupt his life if this isnt something he wants.
So at this point I am not sure what I should do. Just leave it at that or what.
I have 2 friends that are adopted. One found his mother and they not have a relationship and the other wishes she could find her adoptive parents. Both of them have said they think at some point I should reach out if I don't hear from the mother.
I suppose I'm scared I'll reach out and i will either not get an answer or be told to go kick rocks. LOL

Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 06-23-2017, 06:00 PM
 
2,380 posts, read 1,210,617 times
Reputation: 5127
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaliman91 View Post
After many years of looking I finally found my birth son on facebook(He is now 25). It was just a few weeks after i found the women... Well girl I had him with when we were 18.
I am looking for some advice. I feel like I shouldn't put him on the spot by reaching out to him out of the blue. I dont expect anything as far as a relationship. I mean I would love to have one but I am realistic in that it may not be his wish.
I did find his adoptive mother on facebook and after 2 weeks decided I would send her a PM to let her know I found him an if he was interested In any type of conversation at all I would love to talk with him. Even if its just for medical info. I just would like to let him know I am here and if at anytime he decides he would wanna talk he could find me. I let her know I didnt want to disrupt their family in anyway. I still remember our conversation before and right after the adoption that they planned on being open about the adoption.

BTW this was an open adoption and the first year we received photos and letters but once I moved I never got anything again.

Well its been two weeks and I have yet to get a reply from her. And actually you can see the PM wasn't read yet. Actually until she opens her facebook and sees the PM it isnt actually sent yet. Im guessing she doesn't log onto facebook much. I finally decided to "friend" her the other day in case the PM went to her "other" messages. Still hasn't logged on to facebook.
I was hoping I could talk with her so I dont interupt his life if this isnt something he wants.
So at this point I am not sure what I should do. Just leave it at that or what.
I have 2 friends that are adopted. One found his mother and they not have a relationship and the other wishes she could find her adoptive parents. Both of them have said they think at some point I should reach out if I don't hear from the mother.
I suppose I'm scared I'll reach out and i will either not get an answer or be told to go kick rocks. LOL

Any advice or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Well as someone who doesn't use FB except when my job requires it, she may not use it much either. I know its hard to wait, but remember that this isn't just about you. Mom and son probably will have a lot to work through if and when they get the message. And they certainly could ignore you or tell you to pound sand.

No matter what, concentrate on your good intentions-- to provide info, to be available. Just keep putting that out there, being open and positive. If you are meant to have a relationship it will happen.
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Old 06-23-2017, 07:38 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,324,211 times
Reputation: 12914
You should reach out to your son directly, not to his adoptive mother. He is an adult, he doesn't need to get this kind of news from mom. Also, you have no idea what their relationship is like, and she might never tell him you reached out.

I am an adult adoptee and found my birthparents over 20 years ago. Reach out to him.
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Old 06-23-2017, 10:22 PM
 
837 posts, read 300,867 times
Reputation: 1084
No reason to contact the second parents - reaching out to them instead of him places him back in time as a baby when he couldn't speak. He can speak now. Try to visit in a public place and enjoy a meal together. Please confirm that age 18 is the age that this can be done, though. Hopefully, other first parents can give you their perspective.
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Old 06-23-2017, 10:36 PM
 
Location: Alabama!
5,849 posts, read 15,937,480 times
Reputation: 4348
If you are not already a friend with someone on Facebook, your messages to them go to a subfile called "Message Requests." When you click on the Messenger button, you can see it on a tab. But many, many people aren't aware that there are messages them for them.
So even if she checks those messages, she might not see it. However, she will see a friend request next time she logs on. Doesn't mean she'll click on it and approve it, though
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Old 06-24-2017, 06:44 AM
 
Location: St Louis Metro
127 posts, read 184,336 times
Reputation: 132
Im sure if i ask 100 people I will get 1/3 telling me to reach out to him another 1/3 telling me to reach out to his parents first and 1/3 telling me to leave him alone and have no contact.
From what little I can see on facebook he has had a great start to life. Finished college and has a good job. Im just not sure If I can or should disrupt it.
Suppose I have more to think about before I do anything else beyond what I have done already. Of coarse there is a big part of me thats worried I will be told he wants no contact and Im not sure how I will be able to handle it. The good thing or bad thing depending on how you look at it is we are a few thousand miles away so Its not like we can just drop by one day.
Thank you for the replies.
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Old 06-24-2017, 08:29 AM
 
10,495 posts, read 8,425,023 times
Reputation: 19214
Rather than relying on Facebook, send a real letter. Much harder to ignore or overlook.

Good luck to you.
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Old 06-24-2017, 09:26 AM
 
194 posts, read 334,239 times
Reputation: 317
I will give you my perspective as the (adoptive) mother of 2 sons. Reach out to your son directly, he is 25, no need to have his Mom be the middleman. I think the way you phrased the message to his mother was perfect. Let him know you would like contact but don't want to disrupt his life and that it is totally up to him. Then, give him some time to digest the info, it may take him a while to decide if he wants contact. Best of luck to you. I hope you can connect.
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Old 06-24-2017, 09:32 AM
 
35,108 posts, read 40,212,035 times
Reputation: 62049
OP: You have no idea if this man even knows that he is adopted. Leave things as they are with the message to his Mother.
If she chooses to contact you and tell him she will, otherwise it should be clear to you if you do not have ccontact to leave them alone.
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Old 06-24-2017, 10:25 AM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,324,211 times
Reputation: 12914
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
OP: You have no idea if this man even knows that he is adopted. Leave things as they are with the message to his Mother.
If she chooses to contact you and tell him she will, otherwise it should be clear to you if you do not have ccontact to leave them alone.
I disagree 100%. Adoptive parents don't get to make those decisions for their adult children, It is up to the SON, not the mother, to decide if he wants contact.
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