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Old 12-31-2017, 12:55 PM
 
1,409 posts, read 800,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Witchz View Post
This is what I think the problem is with adoption - I have a problem with people basically creating a "fantasy" for themselves with a child being the star of this "fantasy". I am talking about when couples adopt children and do not tell them until they are grown and some not even then that they were adopted it is very wrong. There is not any other time in my adult life that I have been told that it is alright or understandable for people to lie except for in this situation. However I do not agree with this thinking and find it really creepy that it is done at all. I think the child does always sense that something is off and the problem is they think it is a problem with themselves on some level and every bit of this whole scenario just is wrong except for the children that are involved which did not give their consent to be thrown into this strange arrangement. I truly believe adoption should be allowed only in certain situations where the circumstances are extreme- and that it should remain closely monitored for the entire time the child is in the care of adoptive parents.

This was once thought to be a "fix" to the people that wanted children but could not have them as well as the children without parents - a win for all. But as time has gone it has proven to only satisfy the adults usually not so much the children. I know there are some out there that were adopted that think they are fine with what happened to them or even are grateful - but there is also a large number of them who are not happy about being adopted and never will be. So these individuals are left with these feelings that us as society say is from this "wonderful blessing" called adoption and it is not right to not consider their sacrifice to satisfy these adults with a child.

So basically I agree with the OP or the title of this thread completely.
That first sentence about the adoptee being the star to the adoptive parents is really a thing. And I want to be sensitive in how I say this so I explain it in a way that what I'm perceiving is explained. I was just thinking of this over the past couple days, I watched some adoption day videos online of different parents who went to meet their adopted baby/child and in so many of those videos , not all but many- there was like an expectation this baby is the answer to what we need- and therefore without probably realizing it, and not in any ill intentioned way , those parents also need their new adopted child to live up to what they need- because this child is usually somewhat long awaited and represents and symbolizes a lot for the parents. A perfect little baby, with instant smiles and coos and bonding, they really want to instantly feel that baby is seeing them as his/her mom and dad. And reflect some indication of feeling a little hurt or concerned if/ when baby doesn't instantly act as if they are bonding right away, and smiling and cooing.
I always from the time I was young til present day with my adoptive mother felt a duty to live up to what she needed me to be--- while at the same time couldn't express openly a desire or curiousoty about my birth parents due to the fact she always has had a insecurity complex regarding my birth mom. My adoptive father did not really exhibit this intense insecurity jealousy thing, and he embodied to me more of a natural way of relating to me, rather than when I was little being a dress up doll to show to her friends and reflect to people how much I take after my dad (which physically I did tend to take after some of his traits but her saying that was like a thing to say to make herself feel that I'm really theirs because so sad and hard for me to say but layers of this as they come off I realize more.... and her needing to prove how much I took after my dad I think may have been because she didn't really feel that much like I was her child. In some very sad way, skeleton coming out of closet-I think a large part of her always felt like I was the baby who is that other woman's baby who she's raising and never truly bonded with me. But like I said my adoptive dad didn't have all this intense hang up of insecurity.

So it really should only be pursued if both parents examine henselves on a deeper honest level and be honest with themselves--- if they feel a little insecure or lack of bonding feeling they should either drop it or get counseling to examine those issues and see if they can be worked their before adopting. If both parents do really know that child in their heart will be no different than a biological one to them, then go ahead-- but first pausing to really examine and not just an excited moment of "yea I know it'll be great!!!" Because understandable the heart wants what it wants and can easily override things under the surface at the time, so if I were to ever adopt or advise someone like my non adopted brother who wanted to when he was younger I would caution to really put aside as much as possible the rosy excited romantic picture of bringing home baby- not that it can't or doesn't ever turn out that way-- but breathe and take a step back and look at all he aspects-- because couples who have been waiting a while and see friends babies being born I know, I lived it, can easily get swept up in the emotions and excitement of it and wanting to hurry full steam ahead.
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Old 12-31-2017, 01:10 PM
 
1,409 posts, read 800,274 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by latetotheparty View Post
I was able to easily initiate contact with my birth mother by simply going through the adoption agency that handled my adoption..... Catholic Charities......
I'm glad it was easy with your agency-- mine was not the same way. It wasn't a private religious charity- it was dcfs in a large city, closed adoption, birth certificate sealed away in a vault where the Wizard of Oz can only see it. I know they do some things differently if it's a private catholic charity versus Dcfs.
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Old 01-28-2018, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
3,162 posts, read 4,803,929 times
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I was adopted but never felt I experienced any trauma at all, although I know my birth mother did. I was very happy with my adoptive parents and even had friends who liked my parents so much they asked if my parents would also adopt them!

I found my birth mother a few years ago and heard her story about giving me up, but her emotions were more about shame around having a child out of wedlock and fear that her family would find out. She basically moved away and went into hiding without telling anybody what was going on. So I was a Big Secret. She had a relationship with a married man and couldn't support me on her own. This was long before anything like "day care" or assistance for single mothers existed. She needed to find work and get on with her life, so placed me for adoption. She was thrilled to see my family pictures of growing up and said "I could never have given you that".

I do think it's sad that it took me until the age of 50 to find her, and that in the US we don't have access to our original birth certificates on reaching adulthood like adoptees do in every other country. I did not feel any particular bonding with her after meeting her, but it's nice to know the story of my origins and to have family medical information. A lot about who I am and my traits was explained by hearing about her background and her family members' careers and hobbies. A lot of that made sense but I also felt robbed of the idea I was in control of my own fate. That was one "bonus" I felt about being adopted, that I felt I wasn't trapped into some kind of biological "template" but was free to follow my own path, which my adoptive parents encouraged. But we had similarities too, my adoptive parents stressed music and the arts, which I adapted to readily, and I found out my biological family was similar in this regard as well.
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Old 01-28-2018, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
3,162 posts, read 4,803,929 times
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Just to add to the previous...

It wasn't until probably WWII that Americans began to romanticize the parent-child relationship, and adoptees in turn romanticized some ideal biological parent-child relationship that they believed was lost through adoption. Throughout human history, children were often seen as "another mouth to feed" and were put to work at the earliest opportunity. And they were beaten as a matter of course. "Spare the rod and spoil the child." Child abuse laws didn't exist until around the turn of the 20th century. Child beating and wife beating were expected and the norm. Humans are highly adaptable, and could not have evolved without adoption. Mothers died in childbirth very often, or died when their children were young, and step mothers (often seen as "evil") took over child-rearing duties. Orphans were much more common than today.

The needs of a child are very simple: food and shelter, and an occasional cuddle or pat on the head. Then they are good to go. Millions of kids around the world today do not even get these basic needs met. Some studies showed that a child benefits the same whether the pat on the head was "perfunctory" or "heartfelt." The same as when we force ourselves to smile, it sends a signal to the brain that we are happy even if we're not: "fake it 'til you make it." We could not have survived as a species if we depended on having biological parents that raised us to adulthood.

My adoptive parents went above and beyond. They would say "We didn't deserve you" and I would reply "I didn't deserve you either." We had a great mutual respect and love for each other. They are both gone now, but I count myself incredibly lucky that I ended up under their care and that they gave me a very good start in life. I still believe that more children would benefit from adoption by capable parents instead of staying with biological parents. Unfortunately fertility often does not correlate with good parenting.
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Old 01-31-2018, 04:37 AM
 
Location: Charleston, SC
327 posts, read 371,540 times
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For all those adoptees searching, you may want to try taking one of the DNA tests currently on the market. Use a company with a large data base like Ancestry, 23 and Me or Family Tree.
I was only planning to test my heritage because my spouse was doing so with his family, but my biological family found me in days. Just remember there are consequences to being curious for all involved.
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Old 01-31-2018, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Bella Vista, Ark
71,600 posts, read 83,140,440 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aries63 View Post
I was adopted but never felt I experienced any trauma at all, although I know my birth mother did. I was very happy with my adoptive parents and even had friends who liked my parents so much they asked if my parents would also adopt them!

I found my birth mother a few years ago and heard her story about giving me up, but her emotions were more about shame around having a child out of wedlock and fear that her family would find out. She basically moved away and went into hiding without telling anybody what was going on. So I was a Big Secret. She had a relationship with a married man and couldn't support me on her own. This was long before anything like "day care" or assistance for single mothers existed. She needed to find work and get on with her life, so placed me for adoption. She was thrilled to see my family pictures of growing up and said "I could never have given you that".

I do think it's sad that it took me until the age of 50 to find her, and that in the US we don't have access to our original birth certificates on reaching adulthood like adoptees do in every other country. I did not feel any particular bonding with her after meeting her, but it's nice to know the story of my origins and to have family medical information. A lot about who I am and my traits was explained by hearing about her background and her family members' careers and hobbies. A lot of that made sense but I also felt robbed of the idea I was in control of my own fate. That was one "bonus" I felt about being adopted, that I felt I wasn't trapped into some kind of biological "template" but was free to follow my own path, which my adoptive parents encouraged. But we had similarities too, my adoptive parents stressed music and the arts, which I adapted to readily, and I found out my biological family was similar in this regard as well.
It is wonderful you were able to locate her and I can understand why you think the laws about sealed papers are wrong, but look at it the other way. For many kids, knowing both the adoptive parents and biol parents does not always work. Not to mention the confusion and even the fairness to the bio mom and the adoptive family.I don't think there is a right answer..I know our 2 adopted kids think of themselves as our kids wiht little thought of being adopted. I have offered to help them locate their bio mom many times. They have no desire. both are in their 50s now. The bio moms may not even still be living.

As for your bio mom's story about why she gave you up, yes, unfortunately that used to be the case. It was the shame involved in having a child out of wedlock. I love what our social worker had to say about our son. She wouldn't even tell us if his parents were married. She didn't think that was something that should make a difference.
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Old 01-31-2018, 08:19 AM
 
817 posts, read 293,537 times
Reputation: 1062
Quote:
Originally Posted by aries63 View Post
Just to add to the previous...

It wasn't until probably WWII that Americans began to romanticize the parent-child relationship, and adoptees in turn romanticized some ideal biological parent-child relationship that they believed was lost through adoption. Throughout human history, children were often seen as "another mouth to feed" and were put to work at the earliest opportunity. And they were beaten as a matter of course. "Spare the rod and spoil the child." Child abuse laws didn't exist until around the turn of the 20th century. Child beating and wife beating were expected and the norm. Humans are highly adaptable, and could not have evolved without adoption. Mothers died in childbirth very often, or died when their children were young, and step mothers (often seen as "evil") took over child-rearing duties. Orphans were much more common than today.

The needs of a child are very simple: food and shelter, and an occasional cuddle or pat on the head. Then they are good to go. Millions of kids around the world today do not even get these basic needs met. Some studies showed that a child benefits the same whether the pat on the head was "perfunctory" or "heartfelt." The same as when we force ourselves to smile, it sends a signal to the brain that we are happy even if we're not: "fake it 'til you make it." We could not have survived as a species if we depended on having biological parents that raised us to adulthood.

My adoptive parents went above and beyond. They would say "We didn't deserve you" and I would reply "I didn't deserve you either." We had a great mutual respect and love for each other. They are both gone now, but I count myself incredibly lucky that I ended up under their care and that they gave me a very good start in life. I still believe that more children would benefit from adoption by capable parents instead of staying with biological parents. Unfortunately fertility often does not correlate with good parenting.
Remember though, adoption was for finding homes for children who had been orphaned.

Later, it became adults getting bastard children. (LDS went into the adoption business, essentially.) Unfortunately, that definition has prevailed for way too long. And now includes other reasons based on self-interested parties - some of who confuse wants with needs to reason away their covetousness.

What does this mean for an adoptee? An orphaned person, cannot have the opportunity to meet their first parents, so any inkling of romanticizing a relationship is not possible - although they can wonder. A person who has their first parents alive, somewhere, may be curious and may want to have a relationship with them. Myself, I don't interpret this as romanticizing some ideal, though. It's their right.

Although, the needs of a child are simple, it is still important to understand that the majority of infant adoptions and possibly many younger children while their parents are successfully completing programs to be better parents, in the USA, are not necessary.
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Old 01-31-2018, 06:24 PM
 
1,409 posts, read 800,274 times
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If we know kittens , monkeys, and baby dolphins suffer damage if taken from their mother why do we as a society largely not get that would be the case much less with a human baby
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Old 02-01-2018, 09:24 PM
 
817 posts, read 293,537 times
Reputation: 1062
Quote:
Originally Posted by nmnita View Post
It is wonderful you were able to locate her and I can understand why you think the laws about sealed papers are wrong, but look at it the other way. For many kids, knowing both the adoptive parents and biol parents does not always work. Not to mention the confusion and even the fairness to the bio mom and the adoptive family.I don't think there is a right answer..I know our 2 adopted kids think of themselves as our kids wiht little thought of being adopted. I have offered to help them locate their bio mom many times. They have no desire. both are in their 50s now. The bio moms may not even still be living.

As for your bio mom's story about why she gave you up, yes, unfortunately that used to be the case. It was the shame involved in having a child out of wedlock. I love what our social worker had to say about our son. She wouldn't even tell us if his parents were married. She didn't think that was something that should make a difference.

With adoption, what's fair is an adult's origins not being trumped by the desires of their first and second parents.

With adoption, potential confusion is their right, just like anyone else, even for minors. It's their story.

And most importantly, sealed documents for some but not all, is a civil rights issue, whereby adoptees are the target of separate but equal.
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Old 02-02-2018, 07:07 AM
 
1,409 posts, read 800,274 times
Reputation: 2331
Middletwin--- this is true
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