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There goes the "doesn't want" rhetoric again🙄. The verbiage in some of these posts would make good theatrical fodder. So now it isn't that a baby suffers any trauma, unless a hooded villain kidnaps the baby. And Josef of course I understand your not being literal,... however you are trying to paint an extreme scenario or notion, so that there is no trauma because most adoptions don't involve kidnapping, and evil hooded villians
Part of your post further drives the whole point... I am as an adoptee told by you in this case that "it is unfortunate for my adoptive parents the attitude I have"--- I'm sorry, to inform you that adoptees are not property of their adoptive parents who should only reflect a positive spin back so as not to upset adoptive parents or hurt their feelings. This mentality is part of the reason so many adoptees and others are generally not in favor of adoption because of the mindset that adoptees should be grateful they were adopted... and God forbid didn't end up in an orphanage. It's not my job to be a trophy child who only expresses the mindset of adoptive parents back to them.
Part of your post further drives the whole point... I am as an adoptee told by you in this case that "it is unfortunate for my adoptive parents the attitude I have"--- I'm sorry, to inform you that adoptees are not property of their adoptive parents who should only reflect a positive spin back so as not to upset adoptive parents or hurt their feelings. This mentality is part of the reason so many adoptees and others are generally not in favor of adoption because of the mindset that adoptees should be grateful they were adopted... and God forbid didn't end up in an orphanage. It's not my job to be a trophy child who only expresses the mindset of adoptive parents back to them.
Actually, there are many birth parents who have the opinion that their own children should be grateful of the situation, and that they should be "trophy children" for their parent. Asian and Jewish parents come to mind. Also children of immigrants, where the parents tell their children how much they have sacrificed to come to this country, and they count on their children to be trophy children and seize all the opportunities this country has to offer.
And there was a common attitude other parents used towards their children, "I made you and if you don't like it, then leave because I can always make another one to replace you." My husband's father would tell him that.
So sorry if you felt unnatural pressure from your adoptive parents to be a success, but that's what any good parent puts on their child. But it's unreasonable to think that your birth mother would have only spoiled you and let you do whatever you felt like doing as a child and young adult.
I really think that you should look for a support group for adopted adults or a therapist to talk to.
Yes, support for processing trauma related issues surrounding the sudden loss of my birth mother. The adoption triad has mainly two victims- the adoptee and often the birth mother especially if she was young , or if she was in a disadvantaged position such as poverty, or other things. The adoptive parents don't have much in the way of that although I've read that the usual reason people look to adopt is because they weren't able to conceive and that can be a kind of loss. Adoptive parents often look to adopt an infant who has similar physical traits (not always) in order to present to society a child others will assume is "theirs" and also so they can feel the child is theirs biologically. My adoptive mother told us she set out to adopt only infants with certain physical traits because she wanted us to look like them. In my baby book she wrote under that section where the parents list who's eyes the baby has, who's smile etc. in my baby book she wrote "daddy's eyes" and "mommys mouth" although there is no resemblance whatsoever between her and I. I do actually look a little like my adoptive dad did. But why is this? I know there are the exception to this and those adoptions are much better for the adoptee, and what I'm referring to are adoptive parents who don't feel out of their insecurity a need to prove how little Jane or Michael has Moms smile or dad's eyes. Adoptive parents who understand and respect the fact that the child they adopted had an original family, and they honor hat and openly encourage dialogue or questions and reassure in some way to the adoptee they understand if someday they want to find or talk to their birth parents. It's the majority of adoptive parents however who to some degree, usually a significant degree feel insecure about not being the "real" parents and put that insecurity off into the adoptee, with the stated or implied message that they shouldn't be curious or ask questions and definitely not pursue contact with birth family. Those are the adoptees who's reality, history and identity are not acknowledged honored or respected, and born from that typically comes an awkward feeling of having to protect the adoptive parents feelings or wishes, at the cost of their own.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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So, moving forward, Monday, what would you like to see happen? Would you like to see birth parents not be allowed to relinquish their babies?
I don't see a solution here. The horrific times in the past where mothers were institutionalized and forced to relinquish their newborns (Ireland and England specifically) are long gone. Now, unless a mother is proven to be a danger to her child, she can decide whether to relinquish the child or not.
I don't see a solution here where everything is perfect.
This just in-- research shows that 100% of adoptive parents give full consent for the adoption, and on the other hand we have learned that apparently 0% of adoptees gave consent.
Stay tuned for more on this later. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Further studies have shown a remarkable correlation between adopted infants and infants kept by their biological parents. In both cases, 0% of the infants gave consent to who their parents would be. Experts claim that such a close correlation between these two groups is statistically significant.
This just in-- research shows that 100% of adoptive parents give full consent for the adoption, and on the other hand we have learned that apparently 0% of adoptees gave consent. Stay tuned for more on this later. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
Not true.
In many countries, children over the age of eight or so must legally consent not only to adoption but also to adoption by specific families or individuals. My young relatives, who are bio. siblings, both wanted to be adopted, liked their potential adoptive parents very much (love took longer), and had made this clear to the orphanage directors.
I know of a case in this same eastern European country in which an eight-year-old rejected a perfectly wonderful family - why, I do not know, but the adoption did not proceed. The family brought another child home instead - unlike the first child, he yearned for a family and is very happy now, as well as much healthier than he was in his native country, where because of physical special needs, he had been sent to an adult-level mental institution at the age of seven. He would have remained there all the rest of his life, had he not been adopted.
Do you really think he, and all the other children like him, would be better off remaining in their countries of origin?
Still wondering what your solution is if we were to get rid of adoption.......
Infanticide?
Enslaving women to raise children they don't wish to parent.
An extremely robust welfare system.
Children being raised in prisons and rehabs.
Yeah...I don't know the answer either. When I see people very angry about adoption I feel like ...I had a crappy childhood so maybe I should be just as angry the government doesn't test for parental aptitude and rehome kids who have terrible birth parents.
I totally get adoption is a trauma. Babies can be traumatized as fetuses. I am not denying that. But..I mean. Come on. Adoptive parents aren't the devil and all adoptions aren't terrible.
It is an option that as another poster expressed should be a last resort-- I understand adoptive parents are not "the devil" ( with scary red horns and pitchfork for added effect). Adoptive parents at least most of them don't carry a pitchfork however otoh a significant number or I would say majority of them don't understand on a deeper level of what their child has experienced and will their entire life. For the most part adoptive parents wish to see their adopted children or try to pretend they are their "own"-- hence why so many adoptive parents request bio parents with similar heritage and coloring. Of course there are exceptions. There really isn't from my and my sisters experience along with a couple kids I knew who were also adopted there isn't a genuine seeking to understand first the fact of their adopted child came from their first family-- the whole thing is not in any concerted or genuine manner acknowledgement that their kid in order to be adopted, first had to suffer a primary and traumatic loss of their parents. That's the only way one ends up being adopted- by first losing their parents.
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