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As an adoptee, my own views on adoption are mostly negative-- of course there are the exceptions- birth parents who truly couldn't parent and a happy ending. However it goes against nature. This along with the manner in which many adoptive parents view the adoptee add up to not a good idea imo
I am sorry that you didn't have a good childhood. However, I suspect that there are many more people out there with unhappy childhoods who were raised by their natural parents. Why are you so unhappy with your experience as an adoptee? Have you tried to find your birth parents to see why they gave you up for adoption? And how old were you when you were adopted?
My husband's grandparents couldn't conceive, so they adopted three babies. And I'd say that overall, it was a very positive experience for all involved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mondayafternoons
As an adoptee, my own views on adoption are mostly negative-- of course there are the exceptions- birth parents who truly couldn't parent and a happy ending. However it goes against nature. This along with the manner in which many adoptive parents view the adoptee add up to not a good idea imo
Against nature? Humans are always doing things against nature. Most of medical science is going against nature.
BTW I am someone who never wanted to conceive. Since I was a teen, I felt very strongly that there are too many humans on this planet already. That had I wanted children to raise, I would adopt one that was already here. I felt no need to make more humans. And if I were to adopt, I would only want one that was an orphan and with no family ties. Why? Because if I were an adoptive parent and put all that love, time, energy and money into raising a child properly, then I wouldn't want that future young adult to seek out their birth family and have divided loyalties. If I do all the work of raising a child, then just as I would consider that adoptive child my own, but I would want to be the only mother in their heart also.
My mother always viewed me and my sister as something she acquired- perhaps in her own warped way she may love us, however evident in her own comments that she would only adopt girls with certain coloring because she wanted to feel like we were "hers"... she could never acknowledge the fact our life began with a traumatic loss of our birth parents and family. Discouraged any questions we had of our real parents, or where we came from because that threatened her own need to feel like she was our biological parent. It must've been really important to her because after she accidentally became pregnant with my younger sibling she always treated him like the golden child-- I doubt she would ever admit it's because she feels like he is her real kid and we were lent to her. However it does definitely raise that question to most people. It is against nature, I'm not sure your comparisons about science aren't related to this issue. In nature animal mothers bond upon birth with their offspring and stick with them. Yes it's unnatural. Even under the "ideal" circumstances it can't be denied that an adoptees life begins with a traumatic fundamental loss of their birth mother.
OP - what would you have done differently in your situation? I do agree with you in part - children absolutely do best with their biological parents, if the bio parents are capable and willing.
I don't know the circumstances that led to your biomom relinquishing you.
I agree, strangers raising a child does go against "nature". But sometimes, the bioparents are so completely incapable that the next best situation is to have strangers raise that child. And there are a LOT of people who want a child who can't biologically create one.
So. Back to my question. Would you have fared better if your biological mother raised you?
Unequivocally yes. And more than one reason for it but in a nutshell it al goes back to two things-- it is traumatic and unnatural for an infant to be torn away from their mother. Additionally adoptive parents are typically even if they mean well, attempting to fill a void they have, a need they have, with a child whose need is quite diametrically opposed to their need
How old were you when you were adopted? I thought most children dont retain memories. So a kid adopted before age 4 will most likely never remember his/her bio parents or separation. And a toddler easily can vet attached to his/her caretaker on absent of parents. Foe older kids, I understand the trauma of witnessing life before vs. After.
I di agree its natural for people to treat their own kid different than adopted kid, even if they dont mean it. But most adopted parents dont have kids of their own & this situation where ur adopted mother had her own children is rarely case. It is hard to not have extra love for a person that grew inside you. As a kid I am sure u felt super bad but as an adult u should realize there is a difference btw own kid vs adopted. However, it is still better for kids to get adopted than grow up in orphanage or abusive household
How old were you when you were adopted? I thought most children dont retain memories. So a kid adopted before age 4 will most likely never remember his/her bio parents or separation. And a toddler easily can vet attached to his/her caretaker on absent of parents. Foe older kids, I understand the trauma of witnessing life before vs. After.
I di agree its natural for people to treat their own kid different than adopted kid, even if they dont mean it. But most adopted parents dont have kids of their own & this situation where ur adopted mother had her own children is rarely case. It is hard to not have extra love for a person that grew inside you. As a kid I am sure u felt super bad but as an adult u should realize there is a difference btw own kid vs adopted. However, it is still better for kids to get adopted than grow up in orphanage or abusive household
Some of your post was a bit unclear.... but I will take a guess at it-- first you say that "most children don't have memories"-- not sure where you drew this conclusion. I have a clear memory of one time sitting in my backyard sandbox and a bee landed on my thumb, I remember thinking it was nice and cute and I tried to pet it and it stung me. It hurt and I cried . I was 2 1/2 yrs old. But okay I guess your making the generalization that very young kids have no memories. There is a trauma that occurs when an infant is torn away from his mother. That is imbedded somatically in his body cells as trauma. It is a primal wound. The earlier the wound the more damaging and imbedded it is.
Then you later seem to acknowledge that of course an adoptive parent will feel differently about any bio kids they have versus the adoptee, but that the adoptee should be thankful they weren't raised in an orphanage. I appreciate your trying to help but it shows most people don't get it...
OP-How old are you? Have you ever talked with a therapist about your feelings? IMO you are being overly dramatic when you keep referring to the separation of a mother and baby as being traumatic. And it's a mistake to keep dwelling on this, imagining that your childhood would have be perfect had you been able to be raised by your birth mother. You need to live more in the now and focus on the future. You can't change the past.
IMO there is no magical blood bond between a mother and baby, or between family. All of that bonding is more just mental attitude and conditioning due to culture and society traditions. IMO it's particularly a first world/American problem to get so emotional about this sort of thing. Elsewhere in the world, especially where living is much more difficult, situations of family becoming separated is taken more in stride and not dwelled upon. Then in more traditional cultures, many times, the oldest son is the most important one, and the rest, particularly the daughters are not viewed as significant. Or as with my former New Zealand BIL, he wanted sons so that he'd have extra helping hands on his dairy farm. Having two daughters instead (and no one to carry on the family name) was a disappointment to him.
Do you think each human birth is some miracle of creation? Procreation is just something humans do, just like other animals and life forms. In nature, there are plenty of situations where a baby animal is orphaned or rejected by its mother and then raised without trauma by another female. Even between species.
And most adult humans find babies very appealing, along the lines of the appeal of a cute puppy or kitten. And just like with pet owners, some parents and adoptive parents are warmer and fuzzier in attitude and manner than others.
Anyway, just because your adoptive mother wasn't all warm and fuzzy towards you, doesn't mean that she is typical of all adoptive mothers. And I have a couple of friends who had their own blood mothers treat them very poorly, even cruelly, and played favorites amongst their siblings. Birth mothers are not perfect parents either.
BTW how did your adoptive father treat you? Do you feel that it was traumatic being torn from your birth father?
BTW my mother wasn't all warm and fuzzy either. And she frequently told us kids that she wasn't our friend, but our parent. And she took her parenting very seriously. But that is the nature of a tiger mom.
I'm sure that your birth mother would have kept you if she could. However, she wasn't able to. And probably had she kept you, you'd now have harsh memories of a lack of food on the table and other issues dealing with low finances and being a latch key kid due to her having to work long hours to support you. And her attitude at home would be less of joy and happiness because she'd have been tired and stressed out all of the time. And then she'd be resentful too, because single mothers have a very difficult time in finding a decent man to date and marry.
So stop laying all the blame for your imperfect life on your poor adoptive mother.
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