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What you call "having his back," I call "enabling." Maybe if she had allowed him to suffer the consequences of his actions at an earlier age, he wouldn't have thought it would be acceptable to abuse you.
Your own mother may have gone too far the other way, but your ex's mother certainly isn't doing him any favors.
Yea I know--- wow no wonder my self esteem is in the dirt--writing about the time that high school boy who was 16 assaulted me, he was about 170 lbs and I was 120 pounds, upon seeing I had a bloody nose and that I told her when he punched me across my temple it made me see stars and I fell off my bike, all she did was like a robot with no feelings say she didn't want to cause an uproar or report it, and just talked to his grandmother instead who supposedly scolded him not to beat up anymore girls! The woman didn't so much as take me to get checked by the doctor- if my dd came home in that condition I would've called police first and then an ambulance or drive her right to the ER.
Your former partner's mom supports him because they're related, as you say but she may have done the same thing, if he was adopted. We just don't know. But yeah, you're right, it's all about support - enabling.
Relative to your upbringing, the lack of support and gas-lighting the truth, probably exhausted you since you always had to look out for yourself. (Y'know like an infant that has lost the voice they depended upon for survival in primal wound.) Without support, you were vulnerable to predators - the bully at school and the partner later. The betrayal of your 2nd Mom over and over and then the partner, may be re-injuries. Experiencing unworthiness sure seems logical to me IF this interpretation is correct.
When comparing the two life chapters - adoption where you had no choice, and then being able to choose a partner, it seems the later is frightening because it would call into question being able to recognize other predators and never making such a choice again, after what happened.
I haven’t read through all of the posts, only the first few. I’m so sorry to the OP for how difficult things have been. The adoption of our son is very different and I think successful and loving. First, my husband’s mother was adopted. It was a closed adoption and that hurt her very deeply. My husband and I vowed to never have a closed adoption. When we met our son’s birth family, they were leery of open adoption but we gave them time and space and always said that door was wide open. By Christmas they wanted to meet up and since that point we have been extremely close. They’ve done pumpkin carvings, Easter egg stuff and all kinds of everyday kinds of things. In essence, they’ve become part of our family and we have become part of theirs.
I know this doesn’t happen every day but it luckily did in our case. They even treat our son’s older sister (not bio related to them) as wonderfully as they treat him! Our son has special needs that the school system in our old city couldn’t meet. We sat down with our son’s bio family (it’s weird writing “bio” because it’s was a giant family meeting with them, my parents and husband’s parents) and we agreed that moving states to a better school district and better medical facilities was better for our son. Everyone agreed even though it meant moving away from them. Also we were able to get him to the leading expert in one of his disabilities that ended up being a long and extensive trip. This has helped his prognosis.
Currently the family (his bio and our parents) are all planning on relocating to our new state eventually when timing and finances allow. We couldn’t be happier. Our agency fees has a chuck of money reserved for his birth mom to receive counseling but we’ve also told her we would gladly help with that. We love his bio family with all of our hearts. They are part of our family.
I’m not going to go into the reasons for why they chose adoption out of respect for their privacy, but we’ve discussed it many times. We were there the day our son as born and we all named him together.
I haven’t read through all of the posts, only the first few. I’m so sorry to the OP for how difficult things have been. The adoption of our son is very different and I think successful and loving. First, my husband’s mother was adopted. It was a closed adoption and that hurt her very deeply. My husband and I vowed to never have a closed adoption. When we met our son’s birth family, they were leery of open adoption but we gave them time and space and always said that door was wide open. By Christmas they wanted to meet up and since that point we have been extremely close. They’ve done pumpkin carvings, Easter egg stuff and all kinds of everyday kinds of things. In essence, they’ve become part of our family and we have become part of theirs.
I know this doesn’t happen every day but it luckily did in our case. They even treat our son’s older sister (not bio related to them) as wonderfully as they treat him! Our son has special needs that the school system in our old city couldn’t meet. We sat down with our son’s bio family (it’s weird writing “bio†because it’s was a giant family meeting with them, my parents and husband’s parents) and we agreed that moving states to a better school district and better medical facilities was better for our son. Everyone agreed even though it meant moving away from them. Also we were able to get him to the leading expert in one of his disabilities that ended up being a long and extensive trip. This has helped his prognosis.
Currently the family (his bio and our parents) are all planning on relocating to our new state eventually when timing and finances allow. We couldn’t be happier. Our agency fees has a chuck of money reserved for his birth mom to receive counseling but we’ve also told her we would gladly help with that. We love his bio family with all of our hearts. They are part of our family.
I’m not going to go into the reasons for why they chose adoption out of respect for their privacy, but we’ve discussed it many times. We were there the day our son as born and we all named him together.
Yes mine was totally closed, and boy do they (the adoption courts/ county) treat adult adoptees like little adopted children... a few yrs ago I filed a petition at the court in the county I was adopted through requesting the judge unseal my birth records, I wanted to at least be able to find out something!-- health history (I have the equivalent of zero, and therefore now at my later in life age don't know what I'm working with- my dd for example knows that on her dad's side there's unfortunately a pattern of leukemia-- I have no clue of any medical conditions that run in my family.
I also had hoped to obtain my real birth certificate. The judge quickly sent a letter saying my request was denied. No reason given. I talked for a free consult with an attorney he said in his experience adult adoptees are treated like property or minor children and usually won't have cooperation from a judge in allowing them access to their own records unless in the case I needed an emergency blood related bone marrow donation or something like that
Your former partner's mom supports him because they're related, as you say but she may have done the same thing, if he was adopted. We just don't know. But yeah, you're right, it's all about support - enabling.
Relative to your upbringing, the lack of support and gas-lighting the truth, probably exhausted you since you always had to look out for yourself. (Y'know like an infant that has lost the voice they depended upon for survival in primal wound.) Without support, you were vulnerable to predators - the bully at school and the partner later. The betrayal of your 2nd Mom over and over and then the partner, may be re-injuries. Experiencing unworthiness sure seems logical to me IF this interpretation is correct.
When comparing the two life chapters - adoption where you had no choice, and then being able to choose a partner, it seems the later is frightening because it would call into question being able to recognize other predators and never making such a choice again, after what happened.
Yes mine was totally closed, and boy do they (the adoption courts/ county) treat adult adoptees like little adopted children... a few yrs ago I filed a petition at the court in the county I was adopted through requesting the judge unseal my birth records, I wanted to at least be able to find out something!-- health history (I have the equivalent of zero, and therefore now at my later in life age don't know what I'm working with- my dd for example knows that on her dad's side there's unfortunately a pattern of leukemia-- I have no clue of any medical conditions that run in my family.
I also had hoped to obtain my real birth certificate. The judge quickly sent a letter saying my request was denied. No reason given. I talked for a free consult with an attorney he said in his experience adult adoptees are treated like property or minor children and usually won't have cooperation from a judge in allowing them access to their own records unless in the case I needed an emergency blood related bone marrow donation or something like that
I was able to easily initiate contact with my birth mother by simply going through the adoption agency that handled my adoption..... Catholic Charities......
My daughter was left on the side of the road as an infant, we were able to adopt her about a year later. I also have a biological son. I can honestly tell you that most, if not all, of the adoptive parents I know have done so with the best of intentions. When and if my daughter decides to try and meet her biological parents, I will fully support her. In the meantime, my husband and so have truly parented her for the past 14 years.
Everyone's childhood challenges are a big deal to them. But it's kind of difficult for me to see most of actions you attribute to your adoptive parents as being perpetual life-ruiners. I mean, I was actually fortunate to survive to adulthood, given the way I grew up (with my biological parents, natch). (And I don't even think I had it that bad, compared to some of the truly depraved things people do to children, both their own biological children and those left in their care.) I mean, I could make up an alternative reality where I'd been adopted by a perfect couple and had an idyllic childhood, yes? Just as one makes up an alternative history where they stayed with their biological parents and all was great. But the truth is that it might have been better, it might have been worse, it might have been about the same; there's no way of knowing, without a time machine. At some point it's time to acknowledge that yes, that was lousy, and yes, people should have done better, but tempus fugit, and it's time to sort out one's own head and get on with life.
Anyway, people who had these perfect lives are usually pretty boring. Look on the bright side, at least your autobiography won't be tragically dull.
Which isn't to say that CPS, adoption laws, support for families of all types, health and psych care, screening and education of people involved in these processes, etc. all couldn't do with a serious overhaul, of course. But such reforms can't be knee-jerk responses.
My daughter was left on the side of the road as an infant, we were able to adopt her about a year later. I also have a biological son. I can honestly tell you that most, if not all, of the adoptive parents I know have done so with the best of intentions. When and if my daughter decides to try and meet her biological parents, I will fully support her. In the meantime, my husband and so have truly parented her for the past 14 years.
Most parents if not all do the best they can regardless of how they became parents. Its refreshing that you will support your daughter when she meets her first parents. Wish other second parents could do this.
This is what I think the problem is with adoption - I have a problem with people basically creating a "fantasy" for themselves with a child being the star of this "fantasy". I am talking about when couples adopt children and do not tell them until they are grown and some not even then that they were adopted it is very wrong. There is not any other time in my adult life that I have been told that it is alright or understandable for people to lie except for in this situation. However I do not agree with this thinking and find it really creepy that it is done at all. I think the child does always sense that something is off and the problem is they think it is a problem with themselves on some level and every bit of this whole scenario just is wrong except for the children that are involved which did not give their consent to be thrown into this strange arrangement. I truly believe adoption should be allowed only in certain situations where the circumstances are extreme- and that it should remain closely monitored for the entire time the child is in the care of adoptive parents.
This was once thought to be a "fix" to the people that wanted children but could not have them as well as the children without parents - a win for all. But as time has gone it has proven to only satisfy the adults usually not so much the children. I know there are some out there that were adopted that think they are fine with what happened to them or even are grateful - but there is also a large number of them who are not happy about being adopted and never will be. So these individuals are left with these feelings that us as society say is from this "wonderful blessing" called adoption and it is not right to not consider their sacrifice to satisfy these adults with a child.
So basically I agree with the OP or the title of this thread completely.
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