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Old 05-10-2021, 04:22 PM
Location: The New England part of Ohio
24,096 posts, read 32,443,737 times
Reputation: 68293


Originally Posted by cayennev8 View Post
The agency here allows driving, that was my first question. Obviously I would take them to medical/counseling/non- entertainment appointments but if X wants to go to the midnight movie, he/she is driving themselves or their not going. We live in town where nothing is more than 5 miles away.

By profession, I investigate claims including sexual harassment and worse, no-one should be believed until a credibility assessment is completed and facts are gathered. If that was not the case you are referring to then the investigator was completely negligent and should not be called an investigator.
By profession I investigate claims including sexual harrasment

My husband is a private investigator and some of what he does includes that!
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Old 05-10-2021, 05:14 PM
14,299 posts, read 11,681,163 times
Reputation: 39059
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
I am on the thread that was merged. Are you interested in adoption or just stirring the pot?
I have already replied with some thoughts, thanks. It just seemed odd that you claimed to be the OP of this thread. But, carry on.
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Old 05-11-2021, 08:24 AM
455 posts, read 388,257 times
Reputation: 1007
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
OMG - someone who GETS it!

When did you start? If I may ask, how old are you? Do you have other children?
Sheena12 - We are in our early 50's, started the process about a year ago. We never had children, I was chasing my career and I think deep down we didn't want to spread our DNA. I will be retired in 5 years and my spouse is already retired.

Training: Thankfully or not the training has been online due to COVID. we took 8 classes lasting about 3 hours each that took FOREVER to get through, we had to submit short summaries of each training to get credit. Then we had to sit through a few more hours on online shorter trainings and take on lines quizzes, that was another 3-4 hours. Then first aide with CPR which was another hour or so.

Application: Then we had to complete the application, including insurance, family history, get a medical exam, provide references, get fingerprinted for a background check, provided financial information, marriage license.....all of these pieces also took a long time because everything is kind of piece meal.

Home study: Yet more lengthy preparation. We had to go through the whole house and make sure we had fire alarms in all rooms, CO2 on both floors, liquor has to be locked up so we had to find a new armoire t be locked, Firearms need to be under lock and key so we bought a gun safe, and then put all the keys in another safe. All medications need to be removed from the medicine cabinet so we put that in the safe as well. the list goes on forever of what you can and cannot have in your house. Then we had to fill out the actual home study form which asks some pretty personal questions that requires time and thoughtfulness to complete, it was not easy for my spouse and I to talk about our past.

We have been assigned a home study person and waiting for the actual meeting to take place. After that we wait for a match and once that happens we get the childs house to house binder, assigned a resource counselor that is different than the childs social worker, and talk to the nurse who has all the medical records. then get the kid enrolled in school, buy them clothes and whatever else they need and go from there.

And this is why I need "me time".
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Old 05-11-2021, 09:23 AM
Location: Rural Wisconsin
19,802 posts, read 9,341,315 times
Reputation: 38316
I would only recommend adopting older kids to people who already raised their biological kids successfully.

I know that is harsh, but in my personal experience, too much is expected from kids who have been removed from their bio parents, and when these kids "act out" (and I know of no foster/adopted kids who don't act out), the foster or adopted parents do not know how to take such behavior "personally", meaning they take such behavior as a reflection of themselves.

And this is especially true of older parents who are not "modern" in the sense that they try to inflict the values that were ingrained in them when they were young onto abused/neglected children 40 years younger than themselves.

(Of course, that is my opinion, but I only wish that this opinion was not formed from my personal experience as well as the experiences of other adoptive parents I have known.)
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Old 05-11-2021, 10:47 AM
17,353 posts, read 16,492,563 times
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Originally Posted by cayennev8 View Post
My spouse and I are in our early 50's, no children, financially comfortable. My spouse is retired and I will be in five years. We wanted children but it just did not happen and we have been talking about adoption for several years but only want older kids. We are not the Ozzie and Harriet type as neither of grew up in loving families but we are very caring people who can provide stability, structure and guidance. We have almost completed the entire licensing process (that was a commitment in itself!!) and expect to be talking about placements soon which is getting me really nervous. I have this huge fear we will not be good enough as parents because we don't fit the "mold" or at least what I perceive as the parent mold. We had two teenage foreign exchange students last year and although there were challenges they still want to talk to us so I guess we did ok but adoption is next level.

The good about us - We don't yell or fight, we are good communicator's, educated, would never ever hit or harm anyone, we are fun and like to travel and experience life and different cultures, we are both great cooks so no one would ever go hungry...Most weekends will be filled with family activities.

What I think could be an issue - I am not driving kids around at all hours so they better get used to driving themselves. My spouse and I are introverts who need alone time to recharge and reconnect after a long day, that means kids need to occupy themselves for a few hours after I get off work, I worry they might feel less important. We are also super late eaters, like 8:30pm and kids usually eat earlier which means I would have dinner for them ready but we probably won't eat together. during the week.

I'm overthinking this but I really do worry about not being good enough. Any experienced foster or adopted folks out there who can share their experience?
I think it's really important that you go into this with realistic expectations. The foreign exchange students that you hosted likely were mature, savvy and independent enough for their parents to allow them to travel to another country.

Teens being placed up for adoption have likely had a more difficult road in life. It doesn't mean that they aren't great kids but they haven't usually had the same safety net, guidance and security that kids from loving families have benefited from.

As far as you having downtime after work goes, that may not happen for awhile. While teens don't require the hands on care that little kids require, they do require firm, consistent rules and guidance. You also have to be very careful how long a leash you give them - long enough to do things independently but not so long that they hang themselves (get into trouble).

You will need to set clear and consistent rules. It's not just handing the the keys, you have to tell them where they are allowed to take the car, who, if anyone, is allowed inside the car with them, how late they can stay out, how they will pay for gas, what happens if they get a flat tire....

Add in schoolwork, dual enrollment, extracurricular activities, dating, college apps, SATs, PT jobs....there's a fair amount to help them navigate.
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Old 05-11-2021, 11:34 AM
Location: Coastal Georgia
50,344 posts, read 63,928,555 times
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Everyone is being a bit discouraging, I think. OP should not be afraid of taking the plunge. I think the placement folks sound very thorough, and they will be aware of the pitfalls of a couple who have not had children.

Not only are there difficult and troubled children, who might be beyond the couples capabilities, but there are orphaned children who are not troubled and difficult.

Whatever child they get, will be inconvenient at times, but in return they might get a lot of good things in return.
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Old 05-11-2021, 04:49 PM
12,101 posts, read 17,085,791 times
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The recharge thing would be a bit concerning to me too.

My job is brutal, I need recharge time, but if it wasn't ... different story. And OP's spouse is retired, so...

Honestly, almost everybody has kids.

I'm mid 40s now and even people who I just assumed wouldn't have kids (bohemian artsy types, or those really into socializing or their career) decided to at some point.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that if it worked out for so many people, it probably will for you too.
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Old 05-12-2021, 07:00 AM
322 posts, read 316,960 times
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There have been many good comments about adopting an older teen from foster care. I want to remind you that you should also be aware of the bureaucracy you are going to have to deal with.

My foster care system bureaucracy is very disorganized, fails to meet deadlines, annoys foster parent’s employers, loses all kind of paperwork, and tries to tell foster parents what they can say in public, determine which friends they can continue to associate with, tries to limit their travel, and tries to control their political beliefs. You will be considered a criminal by this bureaucracy.

Foster Care first priority is reunification. You are adopting a ward of the state that the state could not reunify with their biological parents. The state will still insist that the foster child maintain all biological ties with bio mother/father/aunts/uncles/cousins/etc. Many foster parents are not equipped to handle this fact. Biological families are not going to be happy that the child was removed from their “family." They are going to blame the state and you as the state’s proxy. The state will blame you for their failure to reunify.

Foster children are going to cost you a great deal of money. Foster parent’s payments are low. They cover little if anything of the actual expenses that foster parents incurs caring for foster children. Medical care can be a challenge due to very few medical practices accepting state foster care payments for office visits and medical treatments. Many foster parents have had to pay co-payments, co-insurance, and charges above the low payments authorized by foster care. Foster care is slow to pay. Many times foster parents must pay late charges due to the delays in payment from the state.

Foster care will not cover auto insurance for the foster child. Additionally, your insurance payments on cars not driven by the foster child will also rise. Driving Ed classes may not be available from the state and must be purchased privately. Some foster care agencies do not allow foster children to leave their county. Foster Care agencies many limit or forbid the driving of other teens and adults who are not a part of your home study. As the responsible party, you will be the driver of record and responsible for any problems resulting from the foster child driving your personally owned vehicle.

Foster agencies now require foster parents to modify their homes to meet changing building/foster standards. In my state, our legislature modified the minimal square footage required for each foster care child. They did this retroactively without any type of funding to support this effort. Hundreds of foster families were decertified as a result. Also, more and more foster care agencies are requiring homes to be modified to meet therapeutic foster home standards. The state will require the foster parents to bare all these costs. And in many times, the state will only give you 30 days to meet the new requirement.

Adopting older children from foster care is a good thing. I applaud you for considering this. I just want to be aware of the scope of the issues you are going to face. Foster Care will not disclose any of this to you.
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Old 05-12-2021, 07:22 AM
3,023 posts, read 2,236,582 times
Reputation: 10807
Wow, wow, wow. I know C-D can be jerky but this is next level negativity.

First off, kudos to you for deciding to take this leap. You seem more than informed, capable, dedicated, flexible, and aware of both the challenges that may lie ahead as well as the characteristics about yourself that concern you. The fact that you're even worried about that indicates to me that you will be way better at this than you think. I say that as someone who had very serious concerns about the choices I was making, heard that same line from people around me, was convinced that they obviously didn't see the "real" me, and ended up realizing that they were more right than I ever could have imagined. And that's a tough process... not just admitting that I was wrong and that they were right but rather because I so instantly became the person I never thought I could be to meet another's needs. Gentle this journey is not.

And I think there is a lot of trust that comes out of honesty. "You're not perfect, I'm not perfect, but I'm in this for real, no matter what." That's what teens need.

They will eat when they want to eat. They will engage with you OR NOT when they want to. They will struggle. You will struggle. But I can't think of what you might need to be more informed or prepared for this journey.

Best of luck, and I hope you update us down the road.
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Old 05-13-2021, 07:47 AM
Location: Baton Rouge
307 posts, read 213,807 times
Reputation: 1250
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
1. There is NO UPPER AGE LIMIT on adoption from the Foster Care System. They look at each family individually. They actively recruit empty nesters because they are experienced parents, and they have realistic expectations.

4. In terms of our ages - early and mid 60s - we are not 85 or 97. It seems many of you have an idea of the perfect age for an adoptive family - I am guessing 30s or 40s.

At 63 I do not feel like a "little old lady" as I was called in an extremely rude post. I don't look like one either.
This hit home for me because I had a relative tell us we were too old when we adopted our daughter when I was 39 and my husband was 46. She has 2 kids of her own in college but heaven forbid someone who's not in their mid 20's want kids. Needless to say, I don't spend much time around her and her judgy ways because I don't need her negativity. How dare she call us old!!! I was majorly offended and although the comment was made years ago, it still hurts.

People want kids for their own reasons and if you want to adopt, no matter what age you are, I say go for it because there are many kids who need good homes.
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