U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 08-23-2008, 09:45 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023

Advertisements

What do you think of open adoption?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 08-23-2008, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Catonsville, MD
2,358 posts, read 5,473,101 times
Reputation: 1685
When we were first looking into adoption, one of the reasons that we decided to go international was so that we wouldn't have an open adoption situation. However, when our first child came home and as she neared her 1st birthday, I felt this intense need to let her birthmother know that she was in a loving home with a mom and dad and 2 dogs and a cat and that she was totally adored by all. We did not attempt to make contact for several years until our second adoption was complete. But about a year after our second child came home, we used a searcher to locate the birthmothers so that we could let them know that both girls are happy, healthy and in loving homes. We sent photos and a letters to the birth mothers and in return, we received videotapes of both birth mothers and other assorted relatives sending messages to the girls, as well as photos from the birthmothers' childhoods. It was incredible receiving this information and seeing the physical resemblances. Both birthmothers expressed a desire to hear occasional updates. Of course, being as far away as Russia, it's not exactly possible to have a fully open adoption, but we are extremely happy that we made the first contact. If our children want to, we plan to travel to Russia when the girls are teens, see where they were born and potentially (if all parties agree) meet their birthmothers and the other relatives.

I know now that if we were to adopt in the US, I would want an open adoption.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:07 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023
So glad to hear a positive experience!

My story...short, but sweet. We chose open adoption, so we could have the on going contact with the birthmother. We did have the contact, up to his 4th b`day. She decided to have another child, from the same birthfather, then I guess she figured she had her life filled with another child, maybe to replace the one she placed with us or something....after that, she was gone....disappeared. We could not get in contact with her, she moved, etc. No number, address, etc. Although, our number had not changed in the meantime.....what do you do?
The children are a year and a half apart.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:20 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,744,570 times
Reputation: 7409
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmacf1 View Post
When we were first looking into adoption, one of the reasons that we decided to go international was so that we wouldn't have an open adoption situation. However, when our first child came home and as she neared her 1st birthday, I felt this intense need to let her birthmother know that she was in a loving home with a mom and dad and 2 dogs and a cat and that she was totally adored by all. We did not attempt to make contact for several years until our second adoption was complete. But about a year after our second child came home, we used a searcher to locate the birthmothers so that we could let them know that both girls are happy, healthy and in loving homes. We sent photos and a letters to the birth mothers and in return, we received videotapes of both birth mothers and other assorted relatives sending messages to the girls, as well as photos from the birthmothers' childhoods. It was incredible receiving this information and seeing the physical resemblances. Both birthmothers expressed a desire to hear occasional updates. Of course, being as far away as Russia, it's not exactly possible to have a fully open adoption, but we are extremely happy that we made the first contact. If our children want to, we plan to travel to Russia when the girls are teens, see where they were born and potentially (if all parties agree) meet their birthmothers and the other relatives.

I know now that if we were to adopt in the US, I would want an open adoption.
This is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:21 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,744,570 times
Reputation: 7409
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
So glad to hear a positive experience!

My story...short, but sweet. We chose open adoption, so we could have the on going contact with the birthmother. We did have the contact, up to his 4th b`day. She decided to have another child, from the same birthfather, then I guess she figured she had her life filled with another child, maybe to replace the one she placed with us or something....after that, she was gone....disappeared. We could not get in contact with her, she moved, etc. No number, address, etc. Although, our number had not changed in the meantime.....what do you do?
The children are a year and a half apart.
This is so sad, yankee. But your son is so lucky to have you
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:29 PM
 
Location: Texas for now, relocating to California soon!
115 posts, read 282,601 times
Reputation: 69
I think that you have to respect the birthmother for having the strength and fortitude to give an obviously caring person like yourself her child.
I hope that it is not confusing to your 4 year old. I would remind him everyday of how much love her choice has given your family.
It is sad that she has felt the need to move forward without contact, however she must do what is right for her growing family. She probably feels conflicted now that she is raising a new baby. I think that you hit the nail on the head, when you said that she has a replacement. I think that a lot of people need a "do-over" to heal. Hopefully with time, she will feel the need to contact you.
You know her name and other vital stats so hold on to them for your kiddo if he feels like reaching out to her someday.
I wish your family love and happiness.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Catonsville, MD
2,358 posts, read 5,473,101 times
Reputation: 1685
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
So glad to hear a positive experience!

My story...short, but sweet. We chose open adoption, so we could have the on going contact with the birthmother. We did have the contact, up to his 4th b`day. She decided to have another child, from the same birthfather, then I guess she figured she had her life filled with another child, maybe to replace the one she placed with us or something....after that, she was gone....disappeared. We could not get in contact with her, she moved, etc. No number, address, etc. Although, our number had not changed in the meantime.....what do you do?
The children are a year and a half apart.
Thanks for telling us your story. I'm so glad your son has you in his life. It's really sad that the birthmother did that. Makes you wonder what makes some people tick, doesn't it? However, it's impossible for me to put myself in her shoes, so I do not know what I'd do if I were in her shoes. She did make the hard decision to make an adoption plan for your son, so obviously, she was thinking about his future. I just wish she had chosen to stay in it.

Last edited by cmacf1; 08-23-2008 at 10:33 PM.. Reason: hit send by mistake too early!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:41 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,225 posts, read 22,611,053 times
Reputation: 24023
I do have respect for her....if it wasn`t for her, I would not have the joy and oppurtunity to be a Mom. I see her in my son, everyday.
I don`t know what her reasons were either, for losing contact....it is sad, but we will go on. I`m sure one day, it will come, my son will be curious....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:44 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
1,577 posts, read 2,388,352 times
Reputation: 414
Since you all sound like adoptive mother's I'll chime in as an adoptee AND a birthmother. I think open adoption is wonderful when all parties can make an agreement and stick to it. Just like their are birthmothers who disappear, there are also adoptive parents that choose to close the adoption after things are finalized.

It's not about replacing the child you lost, although many people who aren't birthparents tend to think that, it's about the pain of finally being at a place where you could support that child but knowing that you gave that right up to someone else. Most birthparents experience a lot of growth in the 5-10 years after placement. Some even find themselves in better positions financially than the adoptive parents. That makes them question their decision to place. If she marries the birthfather then an entire other level of guilt sets in. They most often feel it is better for the child, adoptive family, and themselves, if they move on quietly so as not to cause problems. Can you imagine holding in that kind of emotion every time you see the family?

Sometimes I think closed adoption or semi-open is better for some people. No one (adoptive family,birthfamily) will really know how they are going to feel until after the fact. While adoption can be a loving and wonderful thing, it can also be a painful and difficult thing at the same time. Both mothers (adoptive & birth) grieve about different aspects and the child will grieve (some more than others) at some point latter in life.

I've met my birthfamily and I've met my birthson and his family (his was a closed adoption). There are times when I wished things had been different for all involved. I wasn't one of the lucky ones that went to a loving adoptive home, but my son did and for that I am grateful. There are good parents and bad parents regardless of how they became parents. I think the trick is to look at whatever your experience was in a positive light and see what lessons can be utilized for personal growth.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 08-23-2008, 10:50 PM
 
3,191 posts, read 8,250,732 times
Reputation: 2177
Anything to eliminate the secrecy and sitgma connected to adoption can only be a stepping stone in a better direction. That is all I can share right at the moment.
Adoption is very emotional for me. Read my blog for a bit of insight, if you wish
("Velveteen Rabbit: Margery Williams..my becoming Real")
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting > Adoption
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 03:17 PM.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top