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I have lurk this board for a while. Have read the posts about finding your birth mothers & fathers. Warning: This is long
My husband was adopted at the age of 4 in 1949. His adopted parents were wonderful, loving people. They never hid the fact from him that he was adopted. And always felt that if he ever wanted to know his birth family, they would help him. They loved him very much and his happyness was all that mattered. He has always felt that if his birth parents didn't want him, why should he want them?
When we married in 1964, my mother saw his adoption papers and was shocked, because she knew his birth mother from growing up next door to each other (small world). At the time my husband did not want to meet her. Thus the subject was never brought up. However we did know her name from that point on. And also, we knew where 1 of his birth aunts lived.
In the past few years my DH has been very curious about his birth family. To the point that when people he worked with told him a customer that comes to their work place looks exactly like him. He actually thought he may be a brother. And asked him about his family. It was really sad.
I have been doing my family tree on both my mother and fathers side. It has been very interesting to read about the lives of my ancesters. Suddenly he wanted me to find his birth mother.
It took me only 2 weeks of researching to find his birth family. He was very nervous, and emotional about the information I had found. Through research I was able to find a distant relative, and she was a huge help to us. She sent us all kinds of information and pictures of his family. She also called his birth aunt and told her we were looking for them. His birth aunt was so excited and asked her to give us her phone number. My DH was actually afraid to call her and asked if I could do it first to get a feel for her acceptance. She is so sweet and couldn't wait to talk to my DH.
Last week, we started getting calls from his cousins, welcoming him back to the family. DH has been on an emotional roller coaster ever since.
Last Saturday we met with his birth aunt (who actually lives in the same house we knew of back in '65) We found out that his birth mother was not married at the time (we don't know who is birth father is yet)
It turns out that his BM didn't have a choice about putting him up for adoption. She was sitting on a curb near her house, a car came around the corner, the driver did not see her. The impact was so hard she was thrown in the air. She lived long enough to give birth, and never got to see her baby. He family was too poor and distraught to raise him at the time. They did what they thought was best for the baby.
Now at the age of 62 my DH is planning on celebrating his 1st Thanksgiving with his new found family. We will be celebrating our 43rd anniversary next week, and DH said it was the best gift he could have asked for.
I wanted to tell this story, because you never know the reason for a baby to be placed for adoption. It could be for many reasons.
Thank you for this story.
So many times adoptees are told that their birth mothers didn't want them.
This is so rarely the case.
Many times the birth mother knows in her heart that it would be best for the child if it were raised by someone else. Or they were forced to do so because of the 'stigma"
I'm glad it was a happy ending for your hubby.
Thanks for sharing. I would agree that these birth mothers oftentimes want the child, but feel as if someone could give them a better life. Good luck to your husband. This will be a good yet hard time for him!
My daughter turned 21 June 15. On June 12 her birth mother contacted her. She found her on My Space! (well her niece did). They searched my daughter's name(the name I gave her) and birth date. My daughter, of course, has her pic. on the site.
She looks exactly like her birth mom, damit. Everyone always said that we looked alike
Anyway we're very, very excited. I spoke to her several times. I set-up a site online of my daughters life from birth thru her 21st birthday for her b-mom to share with the family. We met in Manhattan on June 28th. B-mom's sister, husband and 2yr old son flew in from Atlanta. The sister was at the meeting also. Her husband and son joined us about 2 hrs later. It went very well. As you can imagine, lots of tears and hugs. We were together for 3 hrs., it felt like a minute.
B-mom is single, no other children, gay. She felt that since she gave up her daughter, she didn't deserve to have any other children. She was 16 when she gave birth, family pressures made her turn to adoption.
I haven't spoken to my daughters b-mom since the meeting. When my daughter is on the phone with her, which is always, I just say tell her I said high, how is she? Sometimes that's ok for me to do, sometimes not.
Everyone in the b-mom's family is so happy. It seems like every week someone from that side of the family is calling to introduce themself. I think it's great. What I don't think is great is my daughter's attitude change!
I truly feel that she's shutting me out of her new life. She has made plans for her b-mom to escort her back to school in the Fall. Hello, I don't think so! My daughter and her boyfriend (who I love) is going to see her b-mom and partner of 9 yrs this weekend. I don't have an issue with that. I do have an issue with my daughter telling me that a fam. reunion is being planned and that she would appreciate it if I stayed home. NOT GONNA' HAPPEN!
B-mom paid my daughters cell bill, ('cause i wouldn't) she working, she can pay it. B-mom wants to buy her a new tv, computer (what's wrong with the old ones) for her dorm rm.
Can't I tell b-mom to chill? Am I being silly? Is it ok to let b-mom take over? Is she taking over, or am I just fealing threatned?
That is so wonderful!! I was reunited with my 5 birth siblings in 1997( I was raised as an adopted only child) Is is a very long story, but the outcome was so wonderful. I am so blessed, even though some of us are not in constant contact, we know now where all of us are...only a phone call away.
Sadly our birthmother passed in '71...but the ones who knew her say I look the most like her.
God bless your hubby and his new 'found' family...may they cherish the future together and put any sad past behind them. But never ever forget or forsake his 'mom' amd 'dad' and their families....love can be spread a long way around.
My daughter turned 21 June 15. On June 12 her birth mother contacted her. She found her on My Space! (well her niece did). They searched my daughter's name(the name I gave her) and birth date. My daughter, of course, has her pic. on the site.
She looks exactly like her birth mom, damit. Everyone always said that we looked alike
Anyway we're very, very excited. I spoke to her several times. I set-up a site online of my daughters life from birth thru her 21st birthday for her b-mom to share with the family. We met in Manhattan on June 28th. B-mom's sister, husband and 2yr old son flew in from Atlanta. The sister was at the meeting also. Her husband and son joined us about 2 hrs later. It went very well. As you can imagine, lots of tears and hugs. We were together for 3 hrs., it felt like a minute.
B-mom is single, no other children, gay. She felt that since she gave up her daughter, she didn't deserve to have any other children. She was 16 when she gave birth, family pressures made her turn to adoption.
I haven't spoken to my daughters b-mom since the meeting. When my daughter is on the phone with her, which is always, I just say tell her I said high, how is she? Sometimes that's ok for me to do, sometimes not.
Everyone in the b-mom's family is so happy. It seems like every week someone from that side of the family is calling to introduce themself. I think it's great. What I don't think is great is my daughter's attitude change!
I truly feel that she's shutting me out of her new life. She has made plans for her b-mom to escort her back to school in the Fall. Hello, I don't think so! My daughter and her boyfriend (who I love) is going to see her b-mom and partner of 9 yrs this weekend. I don't have an issue with that. I do have an issue with my daughter telling me that a fam. reunion is being planned and that she would appreciate it if I stayed home. NOT GONNA' HAPPEN!
B-mom paid my daughters cell bill, ('cause i wouldn't) she working, she can pay it. B-mom wants to buy her a new tv, computer (what's wrong with the old ones) for her dorm rm.
Can't I tell b-mom to chill? Am I being silly? Is it ok to let b-mom take over? Is she taking over, or am I just fealing threatned?
I would feel threatened, too; however, if you talk to your daughter, I bet she would tell you that there is no need to feel that way. My mom always felt threatened in regard to our dad's 2nd wife. We loved her in addition to my mom, not in place of. Talk to your daughter.
Even if I were trying hard to be totally reasonable and just accept that it is something new and exciting for my daughter . . . I think I would feel usurped if plans were being made that did not include a discussion w/ me . . . including such things as large purchases. However, I would also be telling myself that my daughter is 21 now . . . and legally an adult and I don't have the control over things that I used to. If I were paying for college and living expenses, I would definitely be setting down expectations and rules. My dad always said - as long as someone is accepting money from another person . . . there are obligations . . . if your daughter is paying her own way, then that is another story.
Your daughter may feel she has just discovered a "new best friend." But there is no way she feels she has discovered a mother in the sense that you have been her mother. There is never too much love in this world . . . and always enuff to go around! Your daughter may be quite preoccupied w/ this new relationship and I think it would make me feel left out at times . . . but you are her mother . . . and as Charz said - you just need to have a discussion about your feelings - and expectations - and see where that goes.
Good luck. I know I would be feeling left out and even pushed somewhat to the side in your position. Just remember: you were there when her bio-mom wasn't. Eventually, that will be something your daughter will think about . . . and doubtless respect you even more for being there when she was given up for adoption . . . and then at this stage of her life - being gracious about allowing bio-mom to establish a relationship w/ this daughter that she did not raise. No one can ever take your place - even if you may feel like that is what is happening right now. Things will settle down as the "newness" wears off . . . and your daughter realizes her bio-mom is just another person, like the rest of us, struggling to get thru/ life the best she can. Right now, it all seems exciting. At some point, daughter is going to need those long established mother-daughter bonds she has had with you. Try to be patient but draw whatever boundaries are necessary to assure your daughter stays focused on her education, rather than getting swept away by the presents (and attention) from bio-mom and her family.
I agree, things will settle down eventually. Our story is similiar ; well, my dh's story actually. He was adopted at a few months. After we had our second son my dh started looking up his bio mum. it took 7 years and last year on her birthday he sent her a birthday card. That was only the beginning of a wonderful relationship with her, her dh, her son and her daughter and their families. My dh is 45 this year and we live in NY, his bio family live in England and his family live in Ireland. It has been a wonderful ride of emotions, tears, laughter and compassion.
Give your daughter time and space. She will return. This is all new to her and she wants to know everything and everyone now. As you appear to be a wonderful mother, she is as a result a wonderful daughter. Dh was the same ; he wanted to meet his bio mum immediately and due to time and vacation, we went to England 4 months after the initial contact. Then in March of this year they all came here and they are coming again for xmas. But he has not forgotten his mum ; he still calls her weekly but she is not in good health mentally or physically so we have choosen not to tell her that we found the bio family.
Good luck ; it is a huge rollercoaster of emotions but once everything settles down, its all good.
This makes me happy that my sister and her husband adopted their daughter from India. I think it is one thing to qet "acquainted" and give health info, etc. Maybe even call once or twice a year. But to try to step into the role of mother when someone else did all the "mother work" already is selfish and unfair. She made the right choice 21 years ago. She should make the right choice now. Your daughter already has a mother...you.
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Found birth mother
