Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
sskkc- I have told this story before on APV a list serve for adoptive parents of kids from Vietnam.
You would be surprised-well maybe not- how many people think alot of the costs involved in adoption go to pay off the birthmother. They don't realize this is not only unethical but illegal. Still I had a lady say-"well the birthmother deserves most of that money no matter what the law says." That may or may not be true but most of it goes to lawyers and in the case of Vietnam-which is probably closed to US adoptions forever- unethical agencies and facilitators. such a shame.
And yes China seems to have a very good adoption system in place. Sadly they no longer let single folks adopt and have cut the age really back. Now the wait time is at least 2 years for an infant but China treats it's kids well and they are usually quite healthy. Vietnam's program is-or rather was = so full of corruption, graft, baby selling, stealing you name it. Guatemala, cambodia VN all closed now yet thousands of kids linger in orphanages while thousands of american families long for these kids. Why cant we all get it together?
There are thousands of kids waiting to be adopted, I can pull up 50 in my county alone. I guess they just aren't the kind you want.
When I said there is more red tape in the US, I wasn't actually referring to paperwork. And yes I know it takes a months - years to get all the paperwork done. No I have never personally done it, but I watched someone else do it. I think it took them 16 months. I was talking about the fact that they do all this screening only to turn around and tel you that you are the wrong color, or too old, etc.
And then the day you go for the final adoption, the mothers can change their minds. I know people this has happened to. Who really wants to get their hopes up of bringing home a child only to have some crack head whose been clean for 2 months change their mind?
The out of country adoptions I know of or have heard of have typically been babies - under 1 year old. Most kids in the US sit around in foster care for years before there is a premanancy plan of adoption. Because in this sick country, kids get sent back to their abusive parents several times first, just so we can be sure the kids are tortured first.
People can be sooooo stupid. I have 3 bio sons and we adopted a baby girl at birth 6 years ago. We are Caucasian and so is she and she fits right in. No one would even know she was adopted to look at her, and I had to admit, that has been nice. Why anyone would question how you can love a child that is not biologically yours is an idiot. You love that child just as much as any biological child. We are blessed to have them.
Hear, hear! We too adopted our son who looks like us. The love one feels for a child is completely instinctive.
In my opinion, people who make these astonishing comments are "genuinely ignorant." Any person with an ounce of sense or sensitivity would not make such comments. As much as it might hurt or anger us at times, we can only feel sorry that they are so mindless.
I agree very much with the previous poster that we need to make adoption an easier process. It is so difficult that if you don't give up during the process, that alone should make you an super qualified adoptive parent!
It is also true that it's almost impossible to adopt in the U.S. We live in PA and we've been trying to adopt for over a year now. We've gone to several classes, had our financial records gone through, our entire familiy, including our three kids have had physicals, we were fingerprinted and our histories checked for criminal acts, we've had to be CPR and first aid certified and we had to have a home study on top of all that. And that is not including all the forms and paperwork we had to fill out and all the meetings we had to attend. And all of the costs to do these things have come out of our pockets. No reinbursement offered.
All this to adopt one child. We asked for a special needs child under the age of 6 because our children are all still young and I didn't want to bring in older kids and make our other children vulnerable to abuse or other issues. All we have been told is how impossible our request is. Every event for adoption has only older children. Most of it seems to be because the social system here supports children being placed back with families first and only if that is impossible can they be adopted out. Just the thought of that scares me. Some of these kids are being put back into very volatile situations that I think are worse than them not living with their mother or father.
So we wait.
Kudos to you for wanting a special needs child so many people do not want to deal with the challenges that these children bring. My brother and sister-in-law adopted two special needs children. One was not supposed to live past the age of 7 (he's now 14) and the other one who had open heart surgery when he was born (he's 4). Our family loves these children very much because they are part of our family.
I am in the processing of adopting three wonderful girls (4,7,9 yrs old). I am hispanic and they are african american. I have had them in my home over a year and are wonderful kids and they and I have built an excellent mother and daughters bond that nobody can cut through. The adoption in CA is very lengthy and could take up to three years.
In the meantime I understand what you are talking about the looks, the comments, the stupidity from people that are so ignorant and feel that they should have a say in my personal life.
They have made comments like, "Oh so I see your husband is black, is he working?". Does that matter lady who my husband is? Not in front of my girls please. The actual nicest comment came from a 6 year old little girl from China while we were eating at McDonald whom by the way was adopted to a Caucasian family. She said innocently to my 7 year old, "I see your mommy is a different color just like mine, you must be adopted to. Isn't it nice to be chosen instead of being forced to have'.
I really hope people can learn to keep there comments to themselves because we are going through changes in life and one of the changes is having more and more adoption from different nationalities. And some of these children are going to teach us adults to keep our mouths closed because they are loves by nomatter who there mommy became just because they were chosen.
I think part of this is due to the fact that there are thousands of american kids sitting in foster homes and group homes waiting to be adopted and you just got a kid from another country. I know someone who adopted a chinese baby. The reason - less red tape, and they could get an infant. America needs to wake up and stop making it so difficult to adopt.
add one for insensitive comments. Americans deserve more love than foreigners?
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu
Usually I have a thick skin regarding these comments but one day I was really tired and in no mood to deal with anybody's ignorance. When Leslie from Korea was a toddler I had to run into the grocery store with her. An older woman came up to me and said :
"She's so cute- she must look like her father."
Before I could catch myself I said:
"I wouldn't know- I didn't get a good look at his face."
She's probably still standing there with her jaw on the floor.
I honestly don't know what is wrong with that comment. I'm genuinly intrested in your opinion on how that is out of line. I've made comments like that before, once when someone mentioned something about an adoption issue, and I commented that I didn't know their child was adopted (obvious color difference), I told her I just assumed her husband was of a different race. Wouldn't it be offensive to assume the child is not biological? Or is it wrong to ask someone what races their child is, I've done that when someone had a striking combination of features about them, is that offensive? and why?
well the woman was obviously interested in why my child did not look like me and must look like my husband. Like I said I was tired and just didn't want to deal with all the personal questions we usually get when we are out so I rather flippantly tried to make a joke about not looking at the face of the man I must have had sex with to have this "different" baby.
But you are right, it very well could have been a child of a mixed race marriage and not necessarily an adopted child. It's not what the person thinks about our family that so many mixed race families object to but the comments they think they need to make.
Once the pizza delivery boy came to the door when my white husband opened the door and our two Vietnamese toddlers came up behind him. The kid said "Oh they must be twins".
DH replied "No they are 4 months apart in age." Boy was very confused and said "How did you do that?"
DH replied - very innocently "Easy, two different mothers".
When he saw the look on the kid's face he devilishly added "Man it was a great summer" and closed the door.
The children we adopted are also white caucasian. The only people we have to deal with rude comments from are those who know for some reason that our kids are adopted. You do tend to develop a "thicker skin" than others as an adoptive parent. Perhaps, its just a survival skill you learn.
Here are a couple of my favorite comments:
1. Do you know where your son's "real parents" live? (reply: We are the "real parents" and live two blocks off of Main Street, thanks)
2. I'm so grateful, you were able to adopt your child and save it from a life on welfare or on the streets. ( reply: Oh, my daughter's b-mom has a BS Degree in Education and teaches in Colorado)
3. Do you worry that the b-parents will come and take their child back? (reply: No, she has two other kids and no criminal record. BTW, we adopted in Utah which has laws which would make it almost impossible for a b mother to do that. Sometimes I wonder though if her taking back an 18 year old teenager would be such a bad idea)
4. Did you have trouble bonding with a stranger (your adoptive child) when he/she was brought into your house? (reply: No)
5. (in reference to our own infertility) I am so sorry you can't have "your own" children, it must be depressing. (reply: They are "our own" children. DW and I don't find it depressing at all. Think of all the morning sickness, labor pains, and worries over possible miscarriages we avoided)
I think part of this is due to the fact that there are thousands of american kids sitting in foster homes and group homes waiting to be adopted and you just got a kid from another country. I know someone who adopted a chinese baby. The reason - less red tape, and they could get an infant. America needs to wake up and stop making it so difficult to adopt.
I realize this is nearly a year old, but I don't understand this statement. Even if there WERE 1000 kids in America waiting to be adopted, why are the thousands in China or Africa or Central America any less deserving of a home? They're all innocent children, regardless of race or nationality.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
