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now that I'm nearly 40, I don't see myself as having waited to have kids. I just don't have the same desires as I did when I was younger.
I would like to point out that comparing childless people who are just about to have kids, and people whose kids are grown, is comparing apples and oranges.
40sh people whose kids are grown, have no idea of how it feels being childless for the last 20 years. Similarly, 40yo childless people have no idea how it feels to have gone through all the stages of child rearing.
This is the problem on all those threads about "Is it late for me to have kids?".
By the time I was in my late 30s, still childless, I had had a lifetime of choices and travel and being carefree. I had my first child at 39, with all anticipation of a new mom, - and hearing "Oh, I can't think of having kids again at your age" didn't tell me anything since I had no idea what they were talking about.
Please understand that a new parent at 40 equals a new parent at 20 - in terms of anticipating of babyhood, toddlerhood, school years, all those glorious years ahead that new parents have.
My kids are in elementary school now and - just now - I am having a glimpse of being able to say, eventually, "I can't really see myself having kids again" - but I am just starting to! In fact, I still could have lol!
I was just talking to a guy at work who is around 40 and he was saying the same thing, he isn't meeting marriage material and he said that really isn't too important to him at this time but he wants a kid. He said he thinks he would prefer to be a single dad -- just him and a kid because he likes spending time with his nephew.
There are a lot of older kids that would love to have a parent and then you could skip the diapers and day care stages.
Just my opinion based on what I've seen you write here but I think you would be an amazing father.
If that's what you want to do, do it. You will be successful and any child would be lucky to have you.
I'm guessing that anyone who would think less of you for adopting isn't someone you would be likely to respect or choose for a friend. So it doesn't really matter. Your head and your heart will get together and decide.
If you decide you want to find your perfect mate and perhaps have children you will. Either way, you'll be OK.
Thanks for all of the replies! You know you guys are awesome..
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
Just my opinion based on what I've seen you write here but I think you would be an amazing father.
I really appreciate that.. and those who agreed with you.. Earlier on, I didn't want kids because I was spending too much time on my career and making sure I had my finances in order and all of that.. but now that I have a house of my own and land to raise a family on, I'm ready.. I know that I'd make the same mistakes everyone makes, but hell, isn't that part of the fun?
Thanks again..
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeniorita
I agree with moonshadow that you should test your tolerance for children by being a foster parent or big brother. This will expose you to what it is like to have a child (particular through the adoption process) and you will be able to determine if you are ready to be a parent.
...
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonshadow
Can I suggest though, that adoption and being a single parent is your last case scenario and that perhaps you test the water first with something like being a foster parent OR Big Brother/Big Sister should it come to the point where you are looking at being a parent as a single person?
I understand that you are exploring your options and being a single parent of an adopted child is a good option, I'm just not sure it's the best option for either yourself or a child. It could be argued that it is a better option than a lot of family situations that people find themselves in today and I would agree but I cannot bypass my long held belief in doing things right or as close to right as you possibly can for the sake of the child or children.
You type pretty well for someone who's been raised by wolves..
Really, I get what you're saying. I've always been a traditionalist as far as having both a mother and a father, but then I think of these kids that don't have either. I know that I can provide for them, and I know that it would be a better life than living at a foster care center. I've known a couple people that lived like that growing up, and it seemed that they had more problems than one can imagine.
I like the Big Brother idea though, for now.. I'm going to have to look into that.. Like Seeniorita, it would expose me to a lot that I haven't had the opportunity to do..
Thanks for the advice!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunnydee
When I turned 30, was single, settled in my life, established in my career, and had my own home, I started thinking about having kids too....
That's in a way what I was thinking.. I still have a few things left to do with my house. I think that it will take a couple years to complete. (I bought six acres and a house from my uncle, nice place, but I had to rebuild the house, and now I have to get the outside done - like putting in a driveway, things like that) But, I figure that by the time that I'm done with the house and have gotten completely established there then I'll start going forward with things - unless I meet someone first. I guess I want to have some kind of plan in place and some idea of what I'm doing before I go through with things. As moon said, I want to do things right. It's been, what, 6 years? since I was married. So far, I haven't met anyone who I would consider spending the rest of my life with. Don't get me wrong, I've met a lot of good people, but still..
Thanks for sharing that though.. It would be nice if the same came true for me. Still, the more I think about it, the more I think I'll adopt anyway, even if I do meet someone and have kids..
Quote:
Originally Posted by andreaspercheron
Now though, UP, if you are feeling that "empty" feeling I think that yes, you can adopt and yes you probably would make a great father.
You just have to know that's you are really missing that and not something else.
You are single now, you mentioned that you had been with your ex for a long time, you speak well of her - is the lonliness just missing a mate or do you feel like you are meant for greater things... those are the questions I'd ask myself if I were in your shoes.
Whatever you decide though, I'm sure you will make the right choice. There are a lot of children out there that are feeling the same emptiness that you feel.
I've actually thought about that a lot. I want to make sure that it's not just for my benefit that I would be adopting. I have a good life, a lot of friends, make decent money... but now I'm ready for the next level. To be honest, I could care less if I found someone or not - sure, I'd be nice, but at the same time, I've grown comfortable with the way things are, if that makes sense. In other words, I don't have that "empty" feeling of not being with someone, but it is that "I'm ready" feeling for having kids..
I look at two things.
First, I look at where I am in life, and think about what it would be like to raise a family.. I'd like to play baseball with my kids, or take my daughter to ballet, that kind of thing. I worry that if I don't start contemplating these things that by the time I get around to it, it'll be too late.
Second, I look at a lot of these children around me and just shake my head. The parents are off drinking and partying it up, while they shove these kids in some back room to play with whatever.. I actually saw a father slap his kid across the face while I was in the store - the kid only had to be maybe three or four. Of course I said something, but it really ticked me off. I think to myself, if I can give at least one kid a better life, then I'm doing something right.
Still, it's a lot to think about. I appreciate the thoughts..
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala
This is the problem on all those threads about "Is it late for me to have kids?".
By the time I was in my late 30s, still childless, I had had a lifetime of choices and travel and being carefree. I had my first child at 39, with all anticipation of a new mom, - and hearing "Oh, I can't think of having kids again at your age" didn't tell me anything since I had no idea what they were talking about.
This isn't really one of those "is it too late for me to have kids" things.. For me, I know it's not. It's more of one of those "I've reached a point in my life where I'm ready" things, and need some advice on how to proceed.
If it was just about having kids then I would wait.. I'm sure that I'll meet someone in the next 10 years, and the way things go, they'll probably already have kids anyway.. But for me, I know that I want one in the next three to five years..
But beyond just having kids, it's the whole adoption thing that I'm thinking about here. Up until now, I never really had the option, but now that I have all my ducks in a row - so to speak - I think that's something I should do. A lot of the reasons are selfish, but again, a lot of the reasons aren't. After reading all the replies here, I keep thinking that it's the right thing to do.
I'll take Seeniorita and Moonshadows advice and look into the big brother thing. Right now, I think that's the best thing to do.. then in another three years or so, once I have everything complete that I want to, then I'll find out all the procedures for adoption. As far as me meeting anyone between now and then, I think that they'll just have to accept the fact that I want to adopt..
Anyway..
I really appreciate all the advice you guys have given me.. You know you're the best! I try not to ask for a lot, but this has been something that's been weighing heavy on my mind for awhile..
I did not mean to offend you with my comment on testing your tolerance for children. It's just that you stated in your original post you never wanted kids. Everyone will agree that kids are great, cute, fun, etc. when you can send them back to their parents. By becoming a Big Brother, you are doing a great service to the child while testing the waters for yourself. I am glad you are open to adoption as there are so many kids who are in need of good, loving homes. Again, good luck to you.
I did not mean to offend you with my comment on testing your tolerance for children. It's just that you stated in your original post you never wanted kids. Everyone will agree that kids are great, cute, fun, etc. when you can send them back to their parents. By becoming a Big Brother, you are doing a great service to the child while testing the waters for yourself. I am glad you are open to adoption as there are so many kids who are in need of good, loving homes. Again, good luck to you.
I love this idea. I also have no kids and this is what I did!
I 'borrowed' kids from friends. Usually for a weekend. It gave my friend a break and I took care of the baby/child for the whole weekend. I learned this wasn't for me and that's OK. I also figured out I could do it if I had to.
Everyone else's kids love me and I get to have fun with them. I don't have to to the ugly stuff!
I think it's wonderful that you are thinking about adopting. Keep your options open, you never know.
I've kind of been in the same line of thinking the last couple of years. I always say I don't want kids, that's just my thing, but I figure if I am still single by 35 or so, I will try to adopt. I've been getting my life in order so that I can be in a position to do it if I choose to.
Giving a child a loving home is a great thing if you are willing to do it. I don't think anyone would hold that against you. And, as an added bonus, if a woman finds her way into your life after the adoption, she won't have to worry about that crazy ex wife/mother thing.
I think adoption can be a beautiful thing! We are proof of that, with our 10 year old son.
If your single, and would like to adopt, I see nothing wrong with it, as long as your ready to support both parenting roles, into one! Good Luck!!!
You type pretty well for someone who's been raised by wolves..
I know!!! How good am I?
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy
Really, I get what you're saying. I've always been a traditionalist as far as having both a mother and a father, but then I think of these kids that don't have either. I know that I can provide for them, and I know that it would be a better life than living at a foster care center. I've known a couple people that lived like that growing up, and it seemed that they had more problems than one can imagine.
I like the Big Brother idea though, for now.. I'm going to have to look into that.. Like Seeniorita, it would expose me to a lot that I haven't had the opportunity to do..
Thanks for the advice!
I figured you would get what I am saying Urban. From what I've seen you're a pretty switched on fella. And I agree if you can provide and you're confident in your abilities (and I think you should be) that adoption is a great option to think about and plan for in the event that a) you don't find someone OR you do and she is amenable and/or b) you've perhaps taken the smaller step of testing the waters with Big Brother/Big Sister or fostering.
I guess in terms of being a "traditionalist" I can only say that as the child of a single divorced parent (lone wolf ) I'm aware of just how difficult that life can be for both the parent and the child. So it's not that I'm traditional in terms of thinking it's the only way and the best way because that's not the case at all, I just see that even with two good parents it's still a HUGE undertaking and life is not perfect so I guess I'm only pointing out to you that "the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions" . Where you can you need to make things as close to the best case scenario as you possibly can. And even with the best case scenario you'll need help and support from somewhere (this doesn't have to be a life partner btw) because it's my firm belief that it takes a village to raise a child. A child needs regular interaction and role models of both genders and a wide variety of supports, as do parents. So to me, absolutely you can do it on your own. I just think you need to have thought a good deal about how you'll provide emotionally and intellectually for your child if you do go about it on your own (as a seperate consideration to how you'd go about being a parent in a partnership) AND you'll also need to have thought long and hard about making sure that YOU have the support that you'll need in order to be a good parent. Particularly what kind of coping mechanisms and plans you'll develop for when you're tired and your child is sick and things aren't going very well. Think about and plan for bad times because it is small things that can have huge impacts on single parents and their children. If you have an extended family/friend network this is a good thing. If you don't then while you're exploring your options maybe start gathering your "tribe" together?
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy
That's in a way what I was thinking.. I still have a few things left to do with my house. I think that it will take a couple years to complete. (I bought six acres and a house from my uncle, nice place, but I had to rebuild the house, and now I have to get the outside done - like putting in a driveway, things like that) But, I figure that by the time that I'm done with the house and have gotten completely established there then I'll start going forward with things - unless I meet someone first. I guess I want to have some kind of plan in place and some idea of what I'm doing before I go through with things. As moon said, I want to do things right. It's been, what, 6 years? since I was married. So far, I haven't met anyone who I would consider spending the rest of my life with. Don't get me wrong, I've met a lot of good people, but still..
Yes! Strive for right and perfect because you won't get that in life, no one does, but don't let right and perfect beginnings stop you from getting started. Don't forget that "finding someone you would consider spending the rest of your life with" isn't a pre-requisite. Initially that was something I considered the most important pre-requisite for having children and then as time progressed it became more that I would consider having children with someone provided I could envisage them being a good parent who would work in partnership with me to raise happy and healthy children regardless of whether we stayed together or not. NOW I find myself in the ironic situation of having found this person I never expected to find and we're both of an age where raising children is not really the best option for us despite the fact I firmly believe that as a partnership we'd be excellent together as parents. **shrug** Life's like that I guess. Ultimately for me I have come to accept that parenthood is not part of my journey and I am perfectly ok with that for the most part (99.9% of the time). With regard to your significant other, well it may well be that you can't envisage this person coming along but you'd be surprised at how these things just fall into place and someone, the right someone for you, just appears as if by magic. True story! I could not have DREAMED UP this current situation I find myself in and frankly if it happened to me then nobody is safe from the randomness of the universe!
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy
I'll take Seeniorita and Moonshadows advice and look into the big brother thing. Right now, I think that's the best thing to do.. then in another three years or so, once I have everything complete that I want to, then I'll find out all the procedures for adoption. As far as me meeting anyone between now and then, I think that they'll just have to accept the fact that I want to adopt..
You sound good to go, my friend. I didn't mention it before (because in my mind it was a given) but as others have mentioned, I think you'll be an excellent parent which ever way that comes into being.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy
Anyway..
I really appreciate all the advice you guys have given me.. You know you're the best! I try not to ask for a lot, but this has been something that's been weighing heavy on my mind for awhile..
Thanks again!
You're most welcome, perhaps though don't take anything I've said as me advising you or offering advice? More like I'm offering my perspective as something you might want to mull over and consider while you're doing all your thinking on the subject? I wouldn't presume to be able to advise you specifically on this Urban because ultimately this is your decision to make and your journey is different to mine. Anyway I wish you all the luck and good fortune AND clever planning and studious consideration with it in the world. I think it's a great idea and a very commendable plan you've come up with so far and if you ever want to bounce ideas off someone or just chew the fat I'm more than happy to offer an ear.
I did not mean to offend you with my comment on testing your tolerance for children. It's just that you stated in your original post you never wanted kids. Everyone will agree that kids are great, cute, fun, etc. when you can send them back to their parents. By becoming a Big Brother, you are doing a great service to the child while testing the waters for yourself. I am glad you are open to adoption as there are so many kids who are in need of good, loving homes. Again, good luck to you.
No offense what-so-ever.. Your reply and Moonie's (hope I don't get kicked for calling her that) were very similar, so I was replying to both.
I am seriously thinking about the Big Brother thing.. I agree with you completely, it's a win-win for everyone, and I get to have a bit 'o fun while doing it.
I think that, earlier in my life, I was more focused on other things.. and with my past medical problems and all of that, I just didn't want to have kids and have them go through the same thing. Now that I've gotten all of that straightened up and am on a good road, I find myself spending more and more time with them. The time I spend with them, well, I'm enjoying it more and more.. and over the last couple years have really felt like maybe it's getting close to time.
I think what the two of you suggested is a great place to start.. I want to do some more research and thinking before I decide, but so far, I think it's a great idea!
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313
I think adoption can be a beautiful thing! We are proof of that, with our 10 year old son.
If your single, and would like to adopt, I see nothing wrong with it, as long as your ready to support both parenting roles, into one! Good Luck!!!
That's awesome! Let me ask ya a question though, with adopting, how hard is it on the kid? That's the real issue that I worry about.. I don't want to pull someone out of somewhere that they are accustomed to and familiar with and them have issues with it later on.. I don't know if that makes any sense.. hopefully it does.
And, well, I have a couple really big pillows that I could shove under my shirt if I need to... I'd make a pretty good imitation of Dolly Partons Mother.
Really though, I think I can handle both ends.. but that's something I'd have to figure out how to do once I'm in the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonshadow
I know!!! How good am I?
I'll put my replies in bold here, to make it easier.
You're good, you know it.. I'll stop there before I get myself in trouble.
I figured you would get what I am saying Urban. From what I've seen you're a pretty switched on fella. And I agree if you can provide and you're confident in your abilities (and I think you should be) that adoption is a great option to think about and plan for in the event that a) you don't find someone OR you do and she is amenable and/or b) you've perhaps taken the smaller step of testing the waters with Big Brother/Big Sister or fostering.
Switched on? I dunno, I'm pretty off a lot of times. But hey, I don't mind if I don't have a mind..
I've pretty much decided, if someone isn't comfortable with me adopting, then they really aren't long term potential anyway. Thinking about the replies, it is a kinda silly thing to worry about. I want someone who accepts me for me, even with all my psychofreakish behavior.
I guess in terms of being a "traditionalist" I can only say that as the child of a single divorced parent (lone wolf ) I'm aware of just how difficult that life can be for both the parent and the child. So it's not that I'm traditional in terms of thinking it's the only way and the best way because that's not the case at all, I just see that even with two good parents it's still a HUGE undertaking and life is not perfect so I guess I'm only pointing out to you that "the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions" . Where you can you need to make things as close to the best case scenario as you possibly can. And even with the best case scenario you'll need help and support from somewhere (this doesn't have to be a life partner btw) because it's my firm belief that it takes a village to raise a child. A child needs regular interaction and role models of both genders and a wide variety of supports, as do parents. So to me, absolutely you can do it on your own. I just think you need to have thought a good deal about how you'll provide emotionally and intellectually for your child if you do go about it on your own (as a seperate consideration to how you'd go about being a parent in a partnership) AND you'll also need to have thought long and hard about making sure that YOU have the support that you'll need in order to be a good parent. Particularly what kind of coping mechanisms and plans you'll develop for when you're tired and your child is sick and things aren't going very well. Think about and plan for bad times because it is small things that can have huge impacts on single parents and their children. If you have an extended family/friend network this is a good thing. If you don't then while you're exploring your options maybe start gathering your "tribe" together?
My ex wife was a single child.. Well, most of the time anyway. I found her father and introduced them (again) when she was 22, but by that time, there was a lot of damage done. Her mother had issues with over-controlling her life, even for a couple years after we got married. She would tell horrendous stories about her father, and in general, told her a lot of things about men that simply wasn't true. I don't think that her mother did it on purpose, but it was the way she felt.
Anyway, maybe that's a little over the top, but I understand what you're saying. My parents have been married for 50+ years, so I never had to worry about things like that. Looking around though, I see a lot of problems that come from single parent families - but at the same time, I see a lot of good that comes from it as well. I don't know what kind of parent I would be, but I'll tell you this, I'll give it my damndest to make sure that the child was raised right.
You have brought up a lot of good points though. I've thought about doctors and schooling and all of that, and I think I have that covered.. but something that I didn't really think about, if I get sick or if something happens to me, what then? I'm not worried about being tired - hell, I spend most of my life like that right now anyway. Most of that though, I'll stop doing once I do have a kid.. Still, that's something to think about that I haven't considered yet.
Yes! Strive for right and perfect because you won't get that in life, no one does, but don't let right and perfect beginnings stop you from getting started. Don't forget that "finding someone you would consider spending the rest of your life with" isn't a pre-requisite. Initially that was something I considered the most important pre-requisite for having children and then as time progressed it became more that I would consider having children with someone provided I could envisage them being a good parent who would work in partnership with me to raise happy and healthy children regardless of whether we stayed together or not. NOW I find myself in the ironic situation of having found this person I never expected to find and we're both of an age where raising children is not really the best option for us despite the fact I firmly believe that as a partnership we'd be excellent together as parents. **shrug** Life's like that I guess.
Ultimately for me I have come to accept that parenthood is not part of my journey and I am perfectly ok with that for the most part (99.9% of the time). With regard to your significant other, well it may well be that you can't envisage this person coming along but you'd be surprised at how these things just fall into place and someone, the right someone for you, just appears as if by magic. True story! I could not have DREAMED UP this current situation I find myself in and frankly if it happened to me then nobody is safe from the randomness of the universe!
Personally, I think you'd be an excellent parent - and I'm glad that you've found someone who is perfect for you.. I hope that I find that one day.. As an aside, I don't think that age really matters, but that's me. Still, life is what happens to us when we're out making plans - ya never know what will happen.
Still, maybe someone will come along, maybe they won't.. At this point, I'm not too worried about that. I figure that I'll go on living my life the way that I want to regardless.. I've had some long term partners since my divorce, but ya know, and it may sound weird to say, but since that time I've given up my life to others. I would rather make an impact on the world rather than stress about dating.. there's more important things, if that makes any sense.
You sound good to go, my friend. I didn't mention it before (because in my mind it was a given) but as others have mentioned, I think you'll be an excellent parent which ever way that comes into being.
Thanks for that.. Personally, I think I'd be an average parent, but I hope to be more than that..
You're most welcome, perhaps though don't take anything I've said as me advising you or offering advice? More like I'm offering my perspective as something you might want to mull over and consider while you're doing all your thinking on the subject? I wouldn't presume to be able to advise you specifically on this Urban because ultimately this is your decision to make and your journey is different to mine. Anyway I wish you all the luck and good fortune AND clever planning and studious consideration with it in the world. I think it's a great idea and a very commendable plan you've come up with so far and if you ever want to bounce ideas off someone or just chew the fat I'm more than happy to offer an ear.
I like your perspectives.. (Ok, that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean!)
You've given me a lot to think about.. You have no idea how much I appreciate that.. I know it's my decision, but hearing things from other people helps me learn a little more about things.. And yes, I could use all the luck, and the good fortune, and clever planning, and everything else anyone can offer.. Like I said, it's been a long year this month.
Thanks again..
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You type pretty well for someone who's been raised by wolves.. 
How good am I? 
