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Old 04-03-2008, 11:28 AM
 
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I am unable to have children and have started looking into adoption. My husband is not as excited about a baby around the house as I am but would like an older child. I wondered if anyone has adopted an older child (public adoption/foster care) and how did it work out? We are thinking a child between 7-10 would be perfect but are concerned that the traumas they have faced could make it hard for them to feel like part of our family. Also does anyone have an estimate on how much it would cost to adopt a foster child? We have found two little girls (twins) we would like to adopt but before we start the process we are hoping to get an idea of the costs. The social worker we have contacted about setting up training and home study was pretty vague on what the total cost might be.
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Old 04-03-2008, 02:00 PM
 
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I can understand your apprehensions about adopting an older child but what an incredible gift you would be giving a child.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 04-03-2008, 10:29 PM
 
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This is such a noble task and one that I desire to do as well. I don't know about the cost, since you are not going through a foster agency. Public adoption cost should be substantial, but don't let the cost deter you, if thats where your heart is.

You are truly wonderful to extend your home to others.
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:10 AM
 
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Wow, I would not look at it as a noble task. I think you'd be setting yourself up for heartache. I have adopted, but not an older child. I did look into it, and I would highly recommend some SERIOUS discussions with a social worker (or two or three). The idea that it's "noble" can wear off pretty quickly if your child has serious attachment or behavior issues (both of which are very possible with the age you are talking about). I would be pretty surprised if you'd be approved for 2 older child adoptions at once with no parenting experience, but even if you are...again....it may be too much and you should really understand what you are getting into. RAD is very very common. Many of these kids have histories of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. Love is NOT always enough to help them.

Older child adoption is not really a way to just make a happy family--it's for someone who understand their entire lives and financial lives could be permanently taken over by the situation. This is one big reason why people do infant adoption--if you're just looking for a child to make your family complete, I'd think about infant adoption. There are long waits for healthy white children in this country, but there are many Hispanic and Black and Mixed babies (healthy) who are waiting for homes and cost is reduced b/c they are waiting.

If you are set on older child adoption, I would suggest talking to Adoption Advocates International in WA state (whether you live in WA or not). They place older children from several countries (including the US), but from lots of research I can say that I would be most likely to adopt an older child from Ethiopia. The reason is that those kids have loved and been loved, and not been abused. They are up for adoption b/c their parents died or cannot afford them, but they have always known love and known stability and family until going to the orphanage. With kids who have known love like this, it is far far less likely that they will have lasting emotional problems or RAD (though of course they will grieve at the loss of their family, their country, etc). They can love again and adjust very well. I do not work for any adoption agency or have any personal interest in this--it's just what I learned when looking into adoption and deciding what we could/could not handle (and we felt we could not handle on-going issues of violence, RAD, etc which is common in older child adoption in the US)

Don't take only my word for it, or only the word of a few people on this board. Research extensively so that, if you do decide to move forward, you are fully prepared for what is ahead. This is much fairer for you and for the child you ultimately adopt.

Good luck.
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:44 AM
 
Location: lumberton, texas
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I think adopting twins is not only noble but truly rewarding in the long run. I have always wanted to adopt an older child. I am fortunate to have had 2 of my own kids but would love to be able to make a difference in a childs life. Are you taking risks? Of course you are. Take some classes, do some research, and spend some time with some of these kids. You will know in your heart whether you are up for it or not. There are so many older kids that need a home and noone wants them because they are afraid of what might happen. Imagine if you were that child.

I dont know much about this situation except my desires for years and the fact I have met many kids that have gone through several different foster families. All because everyone wants babies. I remember reading somewhere that even after adoption the kids still get medicaid. I would check into that and see if you can also get continous counseling both for the child and the family.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
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Old 04-04-2008, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 4,480,134 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emailvasally View Post
I think adopting twins is not only noble but truly rewarding in the long run. I have always wanted to adopt an older child. I am fortunate to have had 2 of my own kids but would love to be able to make a difference in a childs life. Are you taking risks? Of course you are. Take some classes, do some research, and spend some time with some of these kids. You will know in your heart whether you are up for it or not. There are so many older kids that need a home and noone wants them because they are afraid of what might happen. Imagine if you were that child.

I dont know much about this situation except my desires for years and the fact I have met many kids that have gone through several different foster families. All because everyone wants babies. I remember reading somewhere that even after adoption the kids still get medicaid. I would check into that and see if you can also get continous counseling both for the child and the family.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!
As the adoptive mom of 2 little girls.. .the first step towards adopting would be to understand the adoptive world's launguage and what is acceptable and what is not.
Referring to your biological child as your OWN children and not your adoptive child as your OWN, is completely an offensive mindset.
I can't stand it when people say to me "couldn't you have your OWN children?" or do you have any children of "YOUR OWN?".
My answer is yes and yes....
These girls are my OWN children. People will ask me "are they sisters?" and I say "Yes,they are" and then they have to elaborate and say "no,I mean are they REALLY sisters?" as if I didn't know that they were already ignorant.
I know that people don't mean to be offensive,but it is and some reading on what is accceptable and is not acceptable would be my first step.
Second, one should adopt because they truly want to adopt and have a family. Not to be noble and a saving light in a child's unfortunate situation.
It is a wonderful thing to be able to help a child, but first and formost, one must want to parent that child.

Also, I constantly receive comments or questions about why we didn't adopt domestically? Well, the answer is simply because the United States Government and Social Welfare system is a nightmare and it is ALL about the money and politics and NOT about the best interest of the children.
Adopting any child ,whether younger or older is a stressful but joyful process and the United States System makes it all the more stressful.


I too wish you much luck with whatever decision you make. It will be a joyous time for you and your family and I hope that all goes well.
There is much to be learned as an adoptive parent and you will become an educator for the other people who may someday want to consider it. Whether it be domestic or international.

Good Luck to you and your family.
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Old 04-04-2008, 09:20 AM
 
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NYMD67, Well said!!

We have both biological and adopted, and those questions drive me nuts. I adopted for many reasons but basically it was something I wanted to do to grow my family. It was not to be "noble" (although yes, I do think all my children are "lucky." I mean, had I not decided to get pregnant, they wouldn't exist, right? Had I not decided to adopt he wouldn't be here with us, right?) . It was not because I was infertile. I really dislike when people look at it like a second choice "well, if I couldn't have my OWN kids, I'd adopt." I have 3 of my own kids--one of them is adopted, and they are all my own. They just came to me different ways. They are all brothers/sisters.

Going back to the "he's so lucky" idea or doing it to "help"....I take issue with this and have thrown that back (kindly) at people. "He's SO lucky you adopted him." "yes, I think we're a great family too. And my other children are so lucky we decided to get pregnant or they wouldn't be here so they're really lucky too. If I'd been tired that night, they wouldn't be in our family either!"

And I say DON"T imagine if you were "that child" when you think about adopting. Be selfish and think about yourself. Are you equipped to handle this? You mention cost. Well, if you adopt an older child with RAD you could very easily end up spending thousands upon thousands getting your child the help s/he needs. This should not be about cost. It should not be about what the child needs. It should be about what YOU need and can handle. If it turns out that what you need and can handle is an older child adoption, that's win-win. If you can't handle but the child needs it, you both lose. If you can't handle it and you know it (it takes a very special person to be able to handle many of the children in the US foster care system), so you end up adopting a healthy black infant, or an older Ethiopian child...again it's win-win. Be brutally honest with your own limits. Do NOT let the idea of a child in need or a cute face rule you. You will be facing whatever issues this, or any, child brings to your house for the rest of your life.

OK, I want to add one more thing. Above someone said these older kids are there "all because everyone wants babies." I completely disagree. Firstly, there are MANY babies available for adoption with no wait list. They just aren't white. Secondly, taking on an older child isn't just a difference in age. The chance of major psychological issues is very very high with US older child adoption. What many people want is a child they can love, who will love them back, who does not come with deep rooted issues which may or may not be something they can overcome. Most are not ready to handle what older children can bring so thank goodness they don't adopt them. That would be a disaster for everyone.

Last edited by frogandtoad; 04-04-2008 at 09:31 AM..
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Old 04-04-2008, 10:23 AM
 
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One more thing. I have mentioned black children (us and ethiopian) a couple of times. I want to clarify that I don't think that's something to undertake w/o a good deal of thought as well. We adopted transracially, but it's got a lot of components to it and its not something which means you're racist if you don't want to do it.

You will never blend in again. People will look b/c there's a black child in the family. People will know right away he's adopted. They will ask inappropriate questions. He may have issues w/being the only black child in the family or the neighborhood or both as he grows. He may feel disenfranchised from both the black and white communities as he grows. There are many factors to consider. This doesn't mean it can't be a great thing, but again awareness of what could be involved is essential. (of course this all assumes you are not black. If you are, then they wouldn't stand out of course!).

And yes, any child, bio or adopted, can end up being special needs. But the chance of certain types of special needs are much higher in some groups than others so it's important to understand what they means/ could entail.
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Old 04-04-2008, 06:38 PM
 
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as a mom that has adopted two beautiful children when they were toddlers we made the decision that we would love them no matter what because we knew in our hearts that they were ment to be our children. adoption can be expensive depending on the way you go about it . in our state if you go through the state the cost can be minimal. just not in our case because we started out in a private agency and with a foster mom who helps familys find children and we ended up meeting a grandmother who wanted to find a good family for her 2 grandkids and she met with us and told birthmom about us and finally a few months later we met. Then the heartbreak when she had said that she wasn't ready to give up yet. Well needles to say a few more months went by and on my birthday we recieved a call that the kids were going up for adoption. We met the kids and fell in love with them right away then the state said that they had one of "their" families for the kids well needless to say we had a very good adoption attorny and got the visit stopped the day before it was supposed to happen ( birthmom, grandparents and foster parents we all on our side). Thank goodness. Now I am the proud mom of 2 very beautiful children and I count my blessing everyday.

I guess in sharing only a part of my story I would say that adopting is a very long and painful process but well worth it in the end. If you and your husband want older children go for it just do it for the right reasons. And yes alot of children have RAD but with patience, unconditional love and professionals that specialize in rad or in adoptions you should do alright. also talk to them about their adoption it is a wonder experience and celebrate the anniversary of the adoption and do something special as a family.

I also hate it when people ask whos fault is it? couldn't you try other options? didn't you want your "own"kids? these are my own kids!!!!!!! please learn the adoption language so your children have the positive affects of adoptions and be open with them. I feel that it is much better growing up hearing and celebrating your adoption rather than in 15-20 years finding out that the people you thought were you bio parents are not. I have read the stories of adopted children when they became adults and we slapped in the face with the truth.

Good luck and please keep us updated on your journey into parent hood.
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Old 04-07-2008, 06:08 AM
 
Location: lumberton, texas
652 posts, read 2,659,066 times
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I apologize if I offended anyone when stating I already have two kids. I was just trying to explain my desires and where I am at this moment. I would adopt in a heart beat if my hubby was up to it. If I did have an adoptive child they would be considered my own. and I would never walk up to anyone asking questions like that.

And by the way, my brother and I were both adopted and neither one of us suffered from RAD.
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