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Old 05-30-2007, 12:17 AM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 23,899 times
Reputation: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by beth ann View Post
Lisa from Darby (I know you from the Religon forum...and just saw some recent posts here by you)...my sister and I are also adopted (from different birth families). I have not searched for my birthparents, while she has and found them years ago.

Her birthmother turned out to be a little differnt; somewhat "needy" is how my sister put it. I think her birthmother is more invested in the realtionship than she is (although she searched for her for a long time....I think she thought she was going to find a glamorous, exciting, jet-setting mother that our mom never was)

I see each other 2-3 times a year, I think and my sister has been in contact w/ her half siblings, as well.

What's really intersting is what evolved after she found her birthfather. She called his home one day and introduced herself, then heard a long pause.....then he stammered a little and said they would have to talk another time since he was a little overwhelmed. Well, when my sister didn't hear back from him for weeks or months (not sure which), she called again....and talked to his widow! He actually had a heart attack shortly after she called (I tell her that's why I'm not searching..don' want that on my consciense...lol).

My sister never go to meet him....but she kept persuing his widow to meet her half brothers and sisters, even after it was clear this lady was not embracing this. Apparently, the siblings knew nothing of their father's one night stand when he was 20, years before marrying their mom....

My sister has this "I have a right to know" attitude and she wrote letters giving her an ultimatum...either she tells the siblings about my sisters existence or my sister contacts them herself. Not sure how this is gonna turn out...but, my question is WHY?

Even though I'm very curious, the main reason Ihaven't searched is due to the fact that I feel i would be violating my birthparents privacy. They have built lives within the last 40 years....I would like this would be so intrusive. Alos, after the first meeting (seeing the physical resemblance, finding out the details, etc) what happens to the "relationship" after that? Who defines it? What if one party wants or expects something that the other one did or didn't expect? Even though my sister can't seem to understand why I'm not itching to search (as she has always been), I'm not sure I want to open that can of worms now...or, if ever.
I think its important to understand that there isn't a right or wrong here...if your sisters biological siblings are over the age of 18, I would probably do the same thing. There is absolutely no reason to believe her phone call had anything to do with him having a heart attack, thats just sad it happened that way.

As for your choice to not search, that of course is your right but you don't know that your birth parents don't want to know you...My Mother wanted to know me and had tried to look for me but really didn't know where to start. She wasn't even sure if I was a girl or not. When she was asked to sign the birth certificate, they hid this information from her.

I have heard stories of the birth Mother being more invested then the child they gave up, thats hard, it happens but the only way to deal with it is honest open communication. Just because your a rational cool person, doesn't mean your birth family will be...I have heard stories like that as well.

I am in communication with my birth Mother several times a week, we end up talking at least 2-3 hours a week on the phone. I just had a nice chat over Yahoo Messenger with one of my brothers. The fact that we have alot in common was just the starting place for an evolving relationship.

If you decide to look for your birth family, I would make it clear right up front that you aren't going to be pushy and don't want to upset their lives. In my case the whole family knew about me already. My birth Mother suffered from depression for the entire month of my birthday, the same month of her own birthday...it wasn't until after we had found one another and that month passed again, that she realized that depression was related to having given me up for adoption.

I feel strongly that people have the right to know who gave birth to them...we have the right to medical information, we have the right to know where we came from...
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:51 AM
 
743 posts, read 1,481,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
I think its important to understand that there isn't a right or wrong here...if your sisters biological siblings are over the age of 18, I would probably do the same thing. There is absolutely no reason to believe her phone call had anything to do with him having a heart attack, thats just sad it happened that way.

As for your choice to not search, that of course is your right but you don't know that your birth parents don't want to know you...My Mother wanted to know me and had tried to look for me but really didn't know where to start. She wasn't even sure if I was a girl or not. When she was asked to sign the birth certificate, they hid this information from her.

I have heard stories of the birth Mother being more invested then the child they gave up, thats hard, it happens but the only way to deal with it is honest open communication. Just because your a rational cool person, doesn't mean your birth family will be...I have heard stories like that as well.

I am in communication with my birth Mother several times a week, we end up talking at least 2-3 hours a week on the phone. I just had a nice chat over Yahoo Messenger with one of my brothers. The fact that we have alot in common was just the starting place for an evolving relationship.

If you decide to look for your birth family, I would make it clear right up front that you aren't going to be pushy and don't want to upset their lives. In my case the whole family knew about me already. My birth Mother suffered from depression for the entire month of my birthday, the same month of her own birthday...it wasn't until after we had found one another and that month passed again, that she realized that depression was related to having given me up for adoption.

I feel strongly that people have the right to know who gave birth to them...we have the right to medical information, we have the right to know where we came from...
Yes, of course my sister's phone call didn't have anything to do w/ her adopted father having a heart attack....I guess it's just our "warped" sense of humor when we make jokes about it......

I feel that adoptive peole like us have rights, but I also think our adoptive birth parents have rights, too. I consider their right to privacy to what they did 30 or 40 years ago to be almost "sacred".

Although, you're right about not knowing if any of our birthparents have been searching for us. I heard in some states there is a directory if both are "mutually searching". I actually don't know much all about the different laws and such. I think my sister actually got info off the internet...I remember her saying it wasn't as difficult as she thought it would be.

I am curious, but I don't have a "burning desire" like my sister did to find my birthmother. Again, I think it's because I think about the circumstances in her life, whatever they might have been at the time, and feel nothing but love and admiration that she chose to give me life and to want a better life for her me that what she could have provided at that time. These women are very courageous....they could have just aborted their "unwanted and unplanned" pregnancies...us!
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Old 05-31-2007, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 23,899 times
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I feel the same, I believe they were courageous, My birth mother faced alot of trouble for NOT having an abortion when they tried to force her to.

One thing you should remember is that however bad things were back when you were given up for adoption, that doesn't mean those same stressors exist. Like I said, I have spoken to several people and they said their birth parents wanted to find them but didn't know how, usually had less information then the child given up for adoption and were very concerned about upsetting the childs life they had given up for adoption.

I have heard there are some states where you can register and if both people say they want to meet then they can. I found my birth family without anything like that, so did a friend of mine. I believe New Mexico does it like that.

At this point in my life, I am glad I found her before she got too old and posibly passed away. My adopted Father has already passed away, my adopted Mother is 84, its nice to have some family left. I have a 10 year old daughter whose Father is not invovled in her life at all, if it were not for my biological family, she would have no one really.
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Old 05-31-2007, 10:04 PM
 
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There is some truth to the birthmothers also wanting to find their children that they've placed for adoption. My husband's sister became pregnant as a teenager and placed her son for adoption. She mentioned she would never, ever search for him out of respect and would never want to intrude upon his life, but she would welcome the opportunity to meet him if he searched for her. She said she actually hopes he does search for her one day. He's about 25 yo now, so, who knows...it might happen.

My husband actually said he would love to meet his nephew....he actually feels sad that his family didn't raise the child. Even though he doesn't blame his family for not doing this, he mentioned that if that scenario played out w/ one of our kids, he would want to raise his grandchild and not place that child for adoption (even though he supports adoption wholeheartedly since he's pro-life).

Lisa, you mentioned hat your daughter may only have your birth mother as family. Wher is your mom and dad (the parents who adopted you) and their families, if I may ask?
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Old 05-31-2007, 10:07 PM
 
3,050 posts, read 6,745,516 times
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I was adopted and have spent time and money searching to no avail.

I am not as upset about it now as I used to be. I now have 3 beautiful sons, one of whom is adopted. I always knew I would adopt.

Someday I would like to find my bio parents.

Dawn
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:36 PM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 23,899 times
Reputation: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by beth ann View Post
There is some truth to the birthmothers also wanting to find their children that they've placed for adoption. My husband's sister became pregnant as a teenager and placed her son for adoption. She mentioned she would never, ever search for him out of respect and would never want to intrude upon his life, but she would welcome the opportunity to meet him if he searched for her. She said she actually hopes he does search for her one day. He's about 25 yo now, so, who knows...it might happen.

My husband actually said he would love to meet his nephew....he actually feels sad that his family didn't raise the child. Even though he doesn't blame his family for not doing this, he mentioned that if that scenario played out w/ one of our kids, he would want to raise his grandchild and not place that child for adoption (even though he supports adoption wholeheartedly since he's pro-life).

Lisa, you mentioned hat your daughter may only have your birth mother as family. Wher is your mom and dad (the parents who adopted you) and their families, if I may ask?
My daughters Father is not involved in her life, his parents have never even met their grand daughter. My adopted Father has passed away, my adopted Mother is 84 and no longer in her right mind. My parents were in their 40s when they adopted me. The only real family I have anymore is my biological family.

I know my birth Mother told me she didn't figure I would want to know her because she had given me up for adoption, she had wanted to find me but was affraid of my reaction. FOR ME, it was better that I was the one to initiate it.
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:03 AM
 
743 posts, read 1,481,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
My daughters Father is not involved in her life, his parents have never even met their grand daughter. My adopted Father has passed away, my adopted Mother is 84 and no longer in her right mind. My parents were in their 40s when they adopted me. The only real family I have anymore is my biological family.

I know my birth Mother told me she didn't figure I would want to know her because she had given me up for adoption, she had wanted to find me but was affraid of my reaction. FOR ME, it was better that I was the one to initiate it.
Lisa....so, you've known your birthmother for about 20 years now?
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:27 AM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 23,899 times
Reputation: 685
Quote:
Originally Posted by beth ann View Post
Lisa....so, you've known your birthmother for about 20 years now?

I believe its been more like 15...I found her the same week of Hurricane Andrew whenever that was.

We are pretty close and in some ways like two peas in a pod, my brother and I are alot alike as well, its like we speak the same secret language at times.

We rant and rave the same way...its kind of funny after growing up in a family where I felt so different.
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:40 AM
 
743 posts, read 1,481,109 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
I believe its been more like 15...I found her the same week of Hurricane Andrew whenever that was.

We are pretty close and in some ways like two peas in a pod, my brother and I are alot alike as well, its like we speak the same secret language at times.

We rant and rave the same way...its kind of funny after growing up in a family where I felt so different.
We were adopted around the same time....I was born in 1965 and I'm 41.

Is your biological brother your half-brother? So.... your biological mom is pretty young now...like 58 or something?
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Old 06-01-2007, 12:41 AM
 
743 posts, read 1,481,109 times
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Lisa....I saw on the religion forum you were raised in a strict christian home....was it the Pentecostal church? I know you mentiond it, but I forget.
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