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Old 06-13-2007, 04:48 AM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,225,816 times
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Vesper
I am so sorry that those things happened. It is always a very complicated issue and sometimes people dont know how lucky they are just to have found their relatives. Greed is a terrible thing.

My dh has no intention of looking for his bio father. The reasons for looking for his mother were mainly for health info. We will go and meet her, but it will not be a annual thing. He is not looking for anything financial.

Sometimes waiting until one is mature is a good thing.

Sorry again
dorothy
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Old 06-13-2007, 08:09 AM
 
Location: California, again...
232 posts, read 762,768 times
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Thank you all so much for listening.

I am sorry for my husband that things worked out the way they did, I know that despite his shock at being contacted after all those years, he really did have hopes of being reunited with his daughter. After all, he had always been open about her to his family.

Sometimes, as in our personal situation, a bad experience just leaves one with the desire to pull away from others.

I sincerely hope that you are all able to find what you are looking for. You all seem to be very respectful and considerate persons.

I only advise caution in your contacts. In my situation, my husband was always aware of the potential for contact and even then it was quite the suprise. There may be extenuating circumstances in either the former or current situation that could be a cause for concern for the parent or the child.

I can say from experience that the physical shock symptoms are very much the same as a serious accident. Your heart races, you feel lightheaded and dizzy, there is nausea and difficulty thinking and responding to others. Typical symptoms of shock do not change, just because it is an unexpected phone call.

I guess my only point is to continue being your considerate selves. And to be aware that sometimes, maybe YOU might not want to know THEM.

Please be careful in your searches and God Bless.
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Old 06-15-2007, 12:07 AM
 
Location: Debary, Florida
2,267 posts, read 2,516,883 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vesper View Post
Thank you all so much for listening.

I am sorry for my husband that things worked out the way they did, I know that despite his shock at being contacted after all those years, he really did have hopes of being reunited with his daughter. After all, he had always been open about her to his family.

Sometimes, as in our personal situation, a bad experience just leaves one with the desire to pull away from others.

I sincerely hope that you are all able to find what you are looking for. You all seem to be very respectful and considerate persons.

I only advise caution in your contacts. In my situation, my husband was always aware of the potential for contact and even then it was quite the suprise. There may be extenuating circumstances in either the former or current situation that could be a cause for concern for the parent or the child.

I can say from experience that the physical shock symptoms are very much the same as a serious accident. Your heart races, you feel lightheaded and dizzy, there is nausea and difficulty thinking and responding to others. Typical symptoms of shock do not change, just because it is an unexpected phone call.

I guess my only point is to continue being your considerate selves. And to be aware that sometimes, maybe YOU might not want to know THEM.

Please be careful in your searches and God Bless.
Oh dear, I too am sorry you had a bad experience like that. When I was searching, the person that helped me only did searches for people who were adopted and it didn't involve telling any kind of story like you mention.

When I spoke with people in the search for my birth Mother, I always said I was doing genealogical research and a certain name had come up.

You do have to be very sensitive to the fact that people have entire lives and the people in their lives may or may not know about the child that was given up for adoption. You just can't go into this kind of search with an expectation of how you want things to turn out.
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Old 06-15-2007, 07:49 AM
 
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I totally agree with what you said. When looking for bio parent(s), it is so important to keep an open mind. One never knows who knows about you, wheather the statement ; let sleeping dogs lie, is better for some and not so good for others. I also think that it is not a good idea to just show up out of the blue ; or call up out of the blue for that first conversation.

When my dh found his mother, he had a coordinator call her first and ask if she was open to having some sort of communication. She was thrilled just to know he was alive, healthy and happy.

We are just taking it easy and let things happen as they crop up. I am thrilled for my dh, thrilled that his bio mother is so happy to have found him. He is of course nervous, happy, scared, feels he betrayed his own mother by even searching, and riding a rollercoaster of emotions.
dorothy
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Old 08-26-2007, 09:10 AM
 
3 posts, read 15,926 times
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Default Hi I have a quick question for you, how do I contact you?

I am new here, I have an internet talk radio show and was wondering if you could call into one of the shows and tell us some of your great stories...lol

Rona

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
I thought I would share my story because I know there are alot of people out there on both sides of this issue. Its evidently not too common to find someone who has found their birth family.

I have always known I was adopted, I am not sure that was the best idea because I grew up thinking I had done something wrong and thats why I was given up for adoption. Of course over the years, the thought of when to tell and how to tell your child they are adopted has changed...

When I was in my 20s, I found my birth Mother and found that I have two brothers as well, they are my half brothers but I don't think of them that way unless it relates to something nasty they have inherited from their Father...lol.

My biological Mother and I talk often, while I care about her a great deal and she is of course my Mother, I call her by her first name. You can't go back and fill in the time that was lost by me growing up elsewhere...we just don't have the history for me to feel like she is really my Mother.

I couldn't have hoped for a better reception when I found them, they were all aware of my existance, including her then husband...they treated me like a long lost family member and were thrilled to have me found.

I was lucky in that I had some invaluable help in finding my birth Mother. I was able to get her name and that of my birth Father from a court order that my adopted Father gotten for me. I was born in California so I found someone who helped me free of charge find information, she had insiders access to alot of info.

There are plenty of groups out there that do the same today...I just hope that anyone thinking of finding their birth family, thinks about it before they do so. It can be a very destabilizing thing even when you have the fabulous outcome that I did...I can't imagine how hurtful it would be to go through looking for them and then end up being rejected.

I am looking forward to my Mother and younger brother coming to visit sometime in the next couple months.

Do you have any adoption stories to share or do you have some questions but don't know anyone who has gone through this, please feel free to ask either in this thread or privately. I would love to feel that my experience could help someone else.
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Old 11-06-2007, 04:59 PM
 
1 posts, read 5,702 times
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Default I know this may be a little off topic from the OP

Hi Lisa

My wife never knew her Dad after a divorce in 1960...but I recently went through a site called intelius.com, and managed to locate family info based on the names and phone numbers...and started calling around and asking questions.

That site has the capability to list known relatives without having to pay, but you can pay for their services and get full blown info on any individual (total background history).

I hope this helps in your search!!

Don

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa_from_Debary View Post
I would LOVE to hear more of your story...I am glad for him he was able to find her even though she was back in England...that must have made it hard.

Was she aware he was in the US??
You say she put her information out there, how did she do this? I ask because I am trying to help someone find their birth family and I am looking for as many sources as I can find to help her list her information in the hopes her Mother is also looking.

If you check the airlines, you can often get some good deals on airfare but you have to watch closely.

Good Luck to you both. Its always a wonderful thing if the biological parent is really wanting to find the child, I have heard stories where the opposite is true and its like being rejected all over again.
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Old 05-05-2008, 09:03 AM
 
Location: Lower Gwynedd, PA
1 posts, read 5,640 times
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Wow...the therapeutic value of knowing that your troubles have been experienced by others is truly underrated.

My adoption was arranged while my birthmother was still pregnant, and I went home with my adoptive parents the day after I was born. My birthparents were pretty young, there wasn't a good situation to raise me anywhere, and there was a whole cycle of hate and instability that they just wanted to let me escape from; my birthmother's best friend's aunt & uncle, unable to have children, became my adoptive parents.

For as long as I can remember, my adoptive parents have been very open about the whole deal; they told me I was adopted when I was four or five, and have revealed more and more details as I've gotten old enough to process them. From the start, though, they made it very clear that my birthparents loved me very much and gave me up so that I could have a good life; this not only cultivated a healthy attitude about my adoption but also helped my self-esteem because I didn't feel unwanted by anybody.

My birthmother actually found me on MySpace about a year ago. I had her and my birthfather in my "Who I'd Like To Meet" section, and one of her friends saw me on there and informed her. She sent me a message telling me who she was, making sure to restrain herself so as not to thrust too much on me at once. She asked that I get permission from my adoptive parents before I respond, if I wanted to speak to her at all. Of course, I'd wanted to meet my family for as long as I could remember, so communication began that way. We just had our first phone conversation last night...two most surreal hours of my life.

Now...the tough part. I will probably be meeting my biological family this summer, which is scaring the *bleep* out of my adoptive parents. They've been hearing horror stories of adopted kids walking out on their families ever since they made the decision to adopt me, and they're afraid that I'm going to do the same because I have so much more in common with my biological family. Is there any way that I can effectively reassure them that I won't do this other than to prove it and ask for their trust in the meantime?
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Old 05-05-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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I am the mother of two adopted children who were adopted at the ages of 2 and 4. My kids know that they are adopted and we have told them from the begining. We are also very luck to have contact with the bio grandparents and aunts and uncles, they have accepted us as part of their family and we have accepted them as a part of ours. We see each other quit a bit and try to get together for the holidays. Their (the aunt and uncles) refer to us as antie Jen and Uncle Dan. We feel that we are very blessed with our situation and we really love our "new" family. I know that not all adoptions go this well so I just thought that I would share our awesome story.
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Old 05-05-2008, 11:12 AM
 
5,002 posts, read 4,225,816 times
Reputation: 3009
I remember the first time my dh spoke to his bio mum. It was wonderful. The first thing she said was that she was sorry for what she did and it had haunted her all of her life.

He has choosen not to tell his mum that he found his bio family. The reason ; his mum is not in good health, she depends on my dh a lot and it just wouldnt do her any good at this stage of her life.

it has been a wonderful experience for us. My dh is so happy that he has a family that he belongs to while also having another family which he shares history with. His family spent a week with us and they will return to visit us again this year.

it is wonderful. Keep your eyes open, try not to stress too much about it but enjoy it. It really is a wonderful thing to happen.

Good luck
d

Quote:
Originally Posted by mykkrae View Post
Wow...the therapeutic value of knowing that your troubles have been experienced by others is truly underrated.

My adoption was arranged while my birthmother was still pregnant, and I went home with my adoptive parents the day after I was born. My birthparents were pretty young, there wasn't a good situation to raise me anywhere, and there was a whole cycle of hate and instability that they just wanted to let me escape from; my birthmother's best friend's aunt & uncle, unable to have children, became my adoptive parents.

For as long as I can remember, my adoptive parents have been very open about the whole deal; they told me I was adopted when I was four or five, and have revealed more and more details as I've gotten old enough to process them. From the start, though, they made it very clear that my birthparents loved me very much and gave me up so that I could have a good life; this not only cultivated a healthy attitude about my adoption but also helped my self-esteem because I didn't feel unwanted by anybody.

My birthmother actually found me on MySpace about a year ago. I had her and my birthfather in my "Who I'd Like To Meet" section, and one of her friends saw me on there and informed her. She sent me a message telling me who she was, making sure to restrain herself so as not to thrust too much on me at once. She asked that I get permission from my adoptive parents before I respond, if I wanted to speak to her at all. Of course, I'd wanted to meet my family for as long as I could remember, so communication began that way. We just had our first phone conversation last night...two most surreal hours of my life.

Now...the tough part. I will probably be meeting my biological family this summer, which is scaring the *bleep* out of my adoptive parents. They've been hearing horror stories of adopted kids walking out on their families ever since they made the decision to adopt me, and they're afraid that I'm going to do the same because I have so much more in common with my biological family. Is there any way that I can effectively reassure them that I won't do this other than to prove it and ask for their trust in the meantime?
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Old 05-10-2008, 04:45 PM
 
Location: In My Own Little World. . .
3,238 posts, read 7,954,689 times
Reputation: 1601
Quote:
Originally Posted by mykkrae View Post
Wow...the therapeutic value of knowing that your troubles have been experienced by others is truly underrated.

My adoption was arranged while my birthmother was still pregnant, and I went home with my adoptive parents the day after I was born. My birthparents were pretty young, there wasn't a good situation to raise me anywhere, and there was a whole cycle of hate and instability that they just wanted to let me escape from; my birthmother's best friend's aunt & uncle, unable to have children, became my adoptive parents.

For as long as I can remember, my adoptive parents have been very open about the whole deal; they told me I was adopted when I was four or five, and have revealed more and more details as I've gotten old enough to process them. From the start, though, they made it very clear that my birthparents loved me very much and gave me up so that I could have a good life; this not only cultivated a healthy attitude about my adoption but also helped my self-esteem because I didn't feel unwanted by anybody.

My birthmother actually found me on MySpace about a year ago. I had her and my birthfather in my "Who I'd Like To Meet" section, and one of her friends saw me on there and informed her. She sent me a message telling me who she was, making sure to restrain herself so as not to thrust too much on me at once. She asked that I get permission from my adoptive parents before I respond, if I wanted to speak to her at all. Of course, I'd wanted to meet my family for as long as I could remember, so communication began that way. We just had our first phone conversation last night...two most surreal hours of my life.

Now...the tough part. I will probably be meeting my biological family this summer, which is scaring the *bleep* out of my adoptive parents. They've been hearing horror stories of adopted kids walking out on their families ever since they made the decision to adopt me, and they're afraid that I'm going to do the same because I have so much more in common with my biological family. Is there any way that I can effectively reassure them that I won't do this other than to prove it and ask for their trust in the meantime?
What you have in common with your birthparents is genes. That's about it. You entire life (so far) of experiences, love, caring, holidays, memories, knowledge, and aspirations is what you have in common with your adoptive parents. No contest. Assure your parents that when you marry, you will welcome other "parents" into your life also, but they would no longer replace your parents in your heart and affections than your birth parents will.

Also impess upon them that "finding" your birth parents is also important for your health. I have two adopted children, and when the time comes I expect them to find their birthparents also, so we can be aware of any medical issues they should be aware of. They are 18 and 16 now, and so far neither one has shown much of an interest in finding their birthparents.
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