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I'm curious to get some opinions about this practice. Here is my particular situation. I'm born and raised in the USA and I come from a "mixed" family as my father is West African and my mom is American. I'm solidly American though as my upbringing is pretty typical in the American sense but had sprinkles of my dad's culture: parties/events, food, etc (but not language as I can only speak English). The point is I'm culturally American and as such my values, beliefs and actions represent that of an American.
My father had been sending money back home to his siblings and some (maybe all) of my cousins. I understand this is common and even expected. My father passed away this year and of course around the time of his death I started hearing from family whom I've only met once and can't even remember names or faces. They were calls of condolence but some were fishing to see what he left them especially since it seems he was regularly sending over money (sorry greedy relatives he didn't have a will and besides that he has children in the US that trump you in the line of inheritance).
I'm now getting calls from a cousin asking for money. I met her when I was 8 then again at 14 and didn't speak to her again until my dad passed (I'm in my 30s). We started texting each other basic pleasantries once and a while after my dad's death then about two weeks ago she started calling me with her "problems". In a nutshell she wants me to send her rent money.
My issue of course is that this is not an American practice. There is never the expectation that you support or loan distant family members money. In fact, it's frowned upon to even loan friends and family money in the first place. Add to that, her mom collects rent money on property owned by my dad (so there is money more accessible to her) and it's well known that our cousin, who lives near her, is a successful business man. When I asked her why she cannot go to her mom or other cousins for money she said it's "complicated" and that so-and-so promised her money but only gave 1/2 so she needs the rest from me. I explained to her that I can't help as I have much bigger and more expensive problems on my hands (when someone dies without a will, it's a big expensive mess). But I'm sure she will persist.
My real feelings are that although my dad may have been sending her money that was his choice and there should be no expectation that I should do the same. Doesn't matter if I have the money or not. You are a cousin who lives thousands of miles away whom I haven't spoken to in nearly 20 years. Why do you "expect" me to send you rent money? Why do you even have the gall to ask me for money?
Curious to hear opinions about sending money home, especially from those that have been in the US for a while and can understand my POV - especially given my scenario.
I'm a Nigerian who's been here in the US for 15 years now so I know exactly what you are talking about. Non Africans often are confused by this practice of sending money home. But that has always been part of the social fabric. As you probably know, Africa had severe problems. People living there have it harder than the poorest ghetto dwellers here in the US. As a result, an unspoken social contract if you will, is that those doing better are expected to help those less fortunate. If your father lived in Nigeria, some of those same relatives would probably be living with you guys in your house, but since your dad came out here, the next best thing is him sending money home.
Due to the lack of opportunities to succeed in Africa, your father is the lifeline your relatives need to live. Perhaps they could have used the money he was sending home to start a business or improve themselves, maybe there is a legitimate reason why they are still dependent on your dad years later, but for better or worse, they are dependent on that income. You are certainly free to give or not give as you see fit. Where I would question is your father. It was obviously important enough for him to send his hard earned money home, he should have educated you and your siblings (if you have any) on why this is important. He obviously did not do that so you have no connection to them. I can assure you that he would be upset that you cut off the funding, but he would have no one else to be mad at but himself. It's something I see a lot in the US. African parents raise their kids with no knowledge of their homeland, but get upset when the same kids drift away from the culture.
In conclusion, You shouldnt feel bad if you dont want to continue to send money home. It's not your country, and you are American as you said. Those people back home will find some other way to survive if need be.
But, and here is what I still don't understand. This cousin's mother is collecting lots of rent money off of property that is owned by my dad (so she doesn't have to pay rent herself and its extra income since she owns a shop too). There is another wealthy cousin that lives near my cousin too. And by wealthy I mean he was ready to send ME $20,000 to sort out some immigration issue that was preventing him from getting a visa.
Your mom is a landlord pocketing rent money off of my dad's property and your cousin can throw around $20k in cash and you mean to tell me you have to call your "long lost" American cousin for money. There is this assumption that I'm in America so I'm sitting on a bottomless money pit. I'm sure my suspicion is being driven by my Americanism but it seems so odd to ask me. I was talking to a friend (who is Nigerian) and she said the cousin is just trying to see if she can get money from me (too) and the cousin likely does not need it as much as she claims. She doesn't even give out her number to family in Nigeria because they always ask for money. And she grew up there!
But, and here is what I still don't understand. This cousin's mother is collecting lots of rent money off of property that is owned by my dad (so she doesn't have to pay rent herself and its extra income since she owns a shop too). There is another wealthy cousin that lives near my cousin too. And by wealthy I mean he was ready to send ME $20,000 to sort out some immigration issue that was preventing him from getting a visa.
Your mom is a landlord pocketing rent money off of my dad's property and your cousin can throw around $20k in cash and you mean to tell me you have to call your "long lost" American cousin for money. There is this assumption that I'm in America so I'm sitting on a bottomless money pit. I'm sure my suspicion is being driven by my Americanism but it seems so odd to ask me. I was talking to a friend (who is Nigerian) and she said the cousin is just trying to see if she can get money from me (too) and the cousin likely does not need it as much as she claims. She doesn't even give out her number to family in Nigeria because they always ask for money. And she grew up there!
Don't send a dime and it maybe worth a trip to Africa to sort out any issues with the properties your dad left there. I know in Ghana what you describe is very typical. Father dies and somehow his siblings and their children feel that they are entitled to a legacy. Often time they think they're more deserving than the wife and kids.
Live your life. If your father wanted you to be enmeshed in African cultural practices he wouldn't have married your mom and raised you in the USA. The past is the past, look ahead.
Don't send a dime and it maybe worth a trip to Africa to sort out any issues with the properties your dad left there. I know in Ghana what you describe is very typical. Father dies and somehow his siblings and their children feel that they are entitled to a legacy. Often time they think they're more deserving than the wife and kids.
Live your life. If your father wanted you to be enmeshed in African cultural practices he wouldn't have married your mom and raised you in the USA. The past is the past, look ahead.
I cannot speak for the rest of Africa, but if you are from Nigeria, trying to visit after you have just cut off funding may not be the smartest idea. Plenty of stories of American Nigerians running into "difficulties" when they visit home. Aint no 911 in Nigeria (or most of Africa for that matter) to save you from scheming relatives.
But, and here is what I still don't understand. This cousin's mother is collecting lots of rent money off of property that is owned by my dad (so she doesn't have to pay rent herself and its extra income since she owns a shop too). There is another wealthy cousin that lives near my cousin too. And by wealthy I mean he was ready to send ME $20,000 to sort out some immigration issue that was preventing him from getting a visa.
Your mom is a landlord pocketing rent money off of my dad's property and your cousin can throw around $20k in cash and you mean to tell me you have to call your "long lost" American cousin for money. There is this assumption that I'm in America so I'm sitting on a bottomless money pit. I'm sure my suspicion is being driven by my Americanism but it seems so odd to ask me. I was talking to a friend (who is Nigerian) and she said the cousin is just trying to see if she can get money from me (too) and the cousin likely does not need it as much as she claims. She doesn't even give out her number to family in Nigeria because they always ask for money. And she grew up there!
The problem, (and this is no fault of yours) is that you are not connected to the folks back home as you mentioned, you are for all intents and purposes a stranger. And yes, "rich americans" will get taken for a sucker. Visiting home, getting to know the relatives would help avoid (partially) the issue you mention where the same relatives pleading for money have $20K to throw around.
Greedy relatives aside, I dont think you should totally eliminate going to Africa as an option for yourself. While Africa is hell for people without means, it does offer opportunity for those from the US/Europe, and those same relatives could serve as a way to get in (though you would have to watch them like a hawk)
I cannot speak for the rest of Africa, but if you are from Nigeria, trying to visit after you have just cut off funding may not be the smartest idea. Plenty of stories of American Nigerians running into "difficulties" when they visit home. Aint no 911 in Nigeria (or most of Africa for that matter) to save you from scheming relatives.
Nigeria is such an awful country, I wouldn't be surprised.
Dont fund them jad2k. I'm not African or African descent but I'm Hispanic and have family in the poorest country in Latin America. Like you said, they think that because you're living in America that you have unlimited amounts of money and that you can just give it away. Just cut off all ties, they may not live in luxury but they're not going to die if you don't.
Don't send a dime and it maybe worth a trip to Africa to sort out any issues with the properties your dad left there. I know in Ghana what you describe is very typical. Father dies and somehow his siblings and their children feel that they are entitled to a legacy. Often time they think they're more deserving than the wife and kids.
Live your life. If your father wanted you to be enmeshed in African cultural practices he wouldn't have married your mom and raised you in the USA. The past is the past, look ahead.
Yes this is Ghana and yes, one of the first things my aunt asked (the very next day after my dad died) was about a will
UGH yes do NOT go "Back home". You will find yourself in trouble. You don't know them, so don't bother and frankly, wash your hands of them.
I went to visit some distant cousins in N Africa and every little thing in my baggage would be picked through and sad faces would hold up whatever item and they would say "cadeau..?" (gift?) to them I was a walking ATM, and every conversation eventually ended up being a diatribe on how poor they were, and what hard times they were having and so on. Meanwhile, THEY lived in their OWN home, with horses, chickens and goats- their own water well, land, and they had no bills to pay or rent to pay either. But they were poor, and I was "rich"! They butter you up with compliments telling you how happy they are that you're not a snob like cousin so and so, who always gets a hotel when THEY come to visit instead of staying in their humble home. Well gee whiz, no WONDER they stay away if they are constantly bothered with poor stories and having all kinds of people touching your things wondering if you're going to hand it over.
Yes it is normal for people to send money "back home" as long as you are in USA, you are a celebrity, a millionaire! to them. They see American TV shows and actually believe all of us are like what they see on TV! No joke! Even though they know TV is acting, they can't seem to differentiate. The reason why everyone sends money back home is that they came to the US just FOR that very reason- to help out the family! Unfortunately, they consider it an endless legacy.
Darling, do NOT go to Nigeria/Ghana or wherever it is your father is from. You will regret it. Want to go to an African country? Good- go on your own, far from the money grubbers. Choose a NICE place to visit. Don't go there, they will end up taking something from you, no matter how much you plan on avoiding conflict and so on.
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