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I am trying to understand something that recently came up with my boyfriend. We are both in the U.S., and I am American, while he is Ghanaian. He brought me up to his mother without telling her much about me, because he said she got busy and said she would call him back. We have been going out for several months, and things were starting to get serious. The same day he talked to his mom, he talked to me about something he said he has been concerned about.
I come from a highly abusive American family. Had I not been home-birthed, home-schooled, home-churched, home-everythinged, any school, medical, or mental health professional that had contact with me and found out what was happening would have been legally required to report what was happening to me. I know this, because my current therapist has said I would have been removed--she would have removed me. My dad left us ten years ago (I am in my late twenties), and a couple of years ago, my mom said she didn't want to be my mother. She picked a fight with me, and when I walked away from it, she said I had to find somewhere else to live--I was at the beginning of a professional training program at the university, and it is a miracle I graduated this month, considering the fact that I was homeless for four months, blamed by my siblings, and have repeatedly been threatened by my family. I have tried to maintain those relationships. I have tried to reason with my mom about her saying I don't need a mom, and she doesn't want to be one. Nothing has worked.
I have never kept the situation with my family a secret. I personally think that the issue he is having is a fear of intimacy because of his own personal history. Our mutual African friends also say that what he is claiming isn't accurate.
He said to move forward in the relationship, he would have to meet my family--in his culture, his family would want to know he was accepted by my family, or they would tell him to end the relationship. Because I love him, and want to be with him, I took a couple of days to consider if this was in any way possible and safe for me. I spoke to trusted friends, who know the intricate details of the circumstances surrounding my family, past and present. They each said to hold my ground. He needed to understand that what he was asking wasn't safe for me.
So I did. I gave him a couple of articles explaining the dysfunctional and dangerous elements of my family, and I talked to him and wrote him about how it manifested itself in my life. Sometimes I can be more articulate in writing if it is something very emotional for me. I pointed out to him that I have very committed friendships. Those people are the closest I have to family, and they all welcome, accept, and respect him. I am essentially an orphan due to my family saying they don't want to be my family, they are done with me, and to have a nice life. The only reason I have never been legally represented as such is because no one knew, and no one saved me--I had to do it for myself. I told him I didn't think he realized what he was asking me to do--he was saying that I either had to reexpose myself to people that didn't love me, hated me, and abused me . . . or loose him.
He broke up with me. Not because he didn't care, and not because he didn't want to be with me, but because he said that his mother would never approve. He directed me to our mutual African friends, whose response was that he wasn't being honest with me--he hadn't even tried, and his family would be more interested in my character than in my family history. They also said there was nothing in African culture against him being with an orphan.
I have scoured the internet, and I have found articles that explained that parents sometimes oppose to inter-tribal marriages, though less and less, but nothing saying they would reject a potential partner for their kid, because of familial estrangement. Can anyone explain this? I don't have a lot of hope for the relationship. Absolutely no one that knows us believes this is his reason, but rather believe it is a fear of intimacy. He told me upfront his personal history, and the first time I told him I loved him, because I was asking him to trust me about my family, he basically jumped off a cliff. When I got past all of his superficial reasons for it, and we got down to that issue, and I asked why he wouldn't believe I loved him, he broke down again, said he couldn't talk about it anymore. I haven't heard from him since. It's been two days.
At this point, I'm kind of looking for closure. I have called him and left a message asking if we could meet in person. I have told him if he tells me to my face that he doesn't love me, I will accept all of his reasons and leave him alone, and I have emailed him so that he can read what I am saying without the pressure. I don't have a lot of hope. I just want to know if there is any cultural validity in what he is saying. He sent me to our African friends, they said it wasn't accurate, and then he said they were wrong.
My advice is going to be harsh. This is not something you take to an internet forum. If there's an issue with you and his mom, then be an adult and speak to his mom. From the sounds of it though, there is more to it than that and I suspect you might just need to accept and look at moving on.
He broke up with me. Not because he didn't care, and not because he didn't want to be with me, but because he said that his mother would never approve. He directed me to our mutual African friends, whose response was that he wasn't being honest with me
I just want some clarification.
A lot will depend on what the family back ground is. Is he from an affluent family, with leadership roles within the community?
As I said on another thread. Africans have different value systems. Marriage isn't between two individuals. It is between two families, so the families have to be compatible. This isn't to say that marriage to a non African is impossible. It means that there are additional considerations, and the non African partner (especially if they are female) will have many barriers to climb over.
If he is not from an affluent background, then there will probably be fewer issues.
There is a book called "Migrations of the Heart" It is about an highly educated Black American woman who was caught up
in the 60s Black Power Movement she went to Nigeria to marry her husband. She tired but could not deal with the cultural
differences which arose. (The family ALWAYS came before her, her individuality was smothered, she was expected to
wait on her husband without question. She thought she married her husband, but married his family as well..She would
complain to the mother-in-law about her husband THEN when his MOTHER confronted him, he would listen, but if she appealed to her husband directly he would not listen.
Many Black American women could not adjust to the culture and walked out with the clothes on their back, after only 3 to
9 months. One Black American friend lived in Nigeria a long time and learned to adjust to the culture and live with her
place in the society and became fluent in Yoruba. She said it boils down to who you think you are when you come here and
whether you keep the culture and the people at a distance or learn to live with it. She was happily married to a Nigerian
man and had adjusted to the culture. The interesting part was that she was not into the black stuff, she just happened to
meet a Nigerian man and they clicked.
The interesting part was that she was not into the black stuff, she just happened to
meet a Nigerian man and they clicked.
No shock there. The ones who will have the hardest time adjusting to Africans will ironically be the Afrocentrists, some of whom actually think that they are MORE African than the Africans themselves. Another type are the naïve ones who think that skin color is all that matters. While that certainly is important in majority white societies, it becomes a non factor where every one is black.
So some one who doesn't have this notion that Africans are black Americans with an accent, and a few exotic mannerisms, will be more likely to succeed.
Failure to AUTOMATICALLY submit to the husband, his male friends and family WITHOUT QUESTION IS the big cardinal sin for a female, everything else including adultery could be forgiven in Yoruba society. What the Black American woman learned is
the paradox once you submit everything else can be forgiven. I think she was successful in that "I am going to beat these
people at their own game". She submitted but still considered herself an American and still had an American attitude. In one
instance, she gave a bow a traditional greeting to a male friend of her husband, then insulted him. The Nigerian men were
fascinated in that she took on the values of African womanhood with an American attitude.
So for Western females marrying West Africans, you are marrying the families also and their issues take precedence over
yours and you will be expected to wait on all without question when asked..also you are to have children ASAP. I think if the
family likes you especially the MOTHER you might be 75% home free...You also might have to worry about him taking a
second wife. Marriage is more about a contract vs. love.
There was a Yoruba man who would always sit on the porch when the weather was nice, he would be in traditional garb (hat,
grand bou bou, sandals) smoking a pipe. I would pass his house walking home from work all the time...So one day someone
I knew introduced me to him, so ever since then he would always want for me to come join him on the porch and talk (some
days I had to change routes if I was in a hurry boy he could talk for days).
So one day on a Friday, I joined him on the porch and we were talking a female came to the door as she heard voices, he
ORDERED her "Go get my friend something to eat" she bowed WITHOUT QUESTION and left (there was no "please" or "could you") I thought "Wow" She came back with a full-course Nigerian meal! Come to find out, he was staying with a friend and this woman was his FRIEND'S wife.
As an American, I thought "You are ordering this woman around she is not even your wife" and I cannot imagine an American woman especially a Black American woman just obeying orders like that in silence. As far as company, I thought
you just bring a light snack or a drink.
There was a Yoruba man who would always sit on the porch when the weather was nice, he would be in traditional garb (hat,
grand bou bou, sandals) smoking a pipe. I would pass his house walking home from work all the time...So one day someone
I knew introduced me to him, so ever since then he would always want for me to come join him on the porch and talk (some
days I had to change routes if I was in a hurry boy he could talk for days).
So one day on a Friday, I joined him on the porch and we were talking a female came to the door as she heard voices, he
ORDERED her "Go get my friend something to eat" she bowed WITHOUT QUESTION and left (there was no "please" or "could you") I thought "Wow" She came back with a full-course Nigerian meal! Come to find out, he was staying with a friend and this woman was his FRIEND'S wife.
As an American, I thought "You are ordering this woman around she is not even your wife" and I cannot imagine an American woman especially a Black American woman just obeying orders like that in silence. As far as company, I thought
you just bring a light snack or a drink.
LOL Nigerians are very patriarchal, especially Yorubas who are all about respect and showing it. Other ethnic groups are less rigid and times are changing in Nigeria.
I am trying to understand something that recently came up with my boyfriend. We are both in the U.S., and I am American, while he is Ghanaian. He brought me up to his mother without telling her much about me, because he said she got busy and said she would call him back. We have been going out for several months, and things were starting to get serious. The same day he talked to his mom, he talked to me about something he said he has been concerned about.
I come from a highly abusive American family. Had I not been home-birthed, home-schooled, home-churched, home-everythinged, any school, medical, or mental health professional that had contact with me and found out what was happening would have been legally required to report what was happening to me. I know this, because my current therapist has said I would have been removed--she would have removed me. My dad left us ten years ago (I am in my late twenties), and a couple of years ago, my mom said she didn't want to be my mother. She picked a fight with me, and when I walked away from it, she said I had to find somewhere else to live--I was at the beginning of a professional training program at the university, and it is a miracle I graduated this month, considering the fact that I was homeless for four months, blamed by my siblings, and have repeatedly been threatened by my family. I have tried to maintain those relationships. I have tried to reason with my mom about her saying I don't need a mom, and she doesn't want to be one. Nothing has worked.
I have never kept the situation with my family a secret. I personally think that the issue he is having is a fear of intimacy because of his own personal history. Our mutual African friends also say that what he is claiming isn't accurate.
He said to move forward in the relationship, he would have to meet my family--in his culture, his family would want to know he was accepted by my family, or they would tell him to end the relationship. Because I love him, and want to be with him, I took a couple of days to consider if this was in any way possible and safe for me. I spoke to trusted friends, who know the intricate details of the circumstances surrounding my family, past and present. They each said to hold my ground. He needed to understand that what he was asking wasn't safe for me.
So I did. I gave him a couple of articles explaining the dysfunctional and dangerous elements of my family, and I talked to him and wrote him about how it manifested itself in my life. Sometimes I can be more articulate in writing if it is something very emotional for me. I pointed out to him that I have very committed friendships. Those people are the closest I have to family, and they all welcome, accept, and respect him. I am essentially an orphan due to my family saying they don't want to be my family, they are done with me, and to have a nice life. The only reason I have never been legally represented as such is because no one knew, and no one saved me--I had to do it for myself. I told him I didn't think he realized what he was asking me to do--he was saying that I either had to reexpose myself to people that didn't love me, hated me, and abused me . . . or loose him.
He broke up with me. Not because he didn't care, and not because he didn't want to be with me, but because he said that his mother would never approve. He directed me to our mutual African friends, whose response was that he wasn't being honest with me--he hadn't even tried, and his family would be more interested in my character than in my family history. They also said there was nothing in African culture against him being with an orphan.
I have scoured the internet, and I have found articles that explained that parents sometimes oppose to inter-tribal marriages, though less and less, but nothing saying they would reject a potential partner for their kid, because of familial estrangement. Can anyone explain this? I don't have a lot of hope for the relationship. Absolutely no one that knows us believes this is his reason, but rather believe it is a fear of intimacy. He told me upfront his personal history, and the first time I told him I loved him, because I was asking him to trust me about my family, he basically jumped off a cliff. When I got past all of his superficial reasons for it, and we got down to that issue, and I asked why he wouldn't believe I loved him, he broke down again, said he couldn't talk about it anymore. I haven't heard from him since. It's been two days.
At this point, I'm kind of looking for closure. I have called him and left a message asking if we could meet in person. I have told him if he tells me to my face that he doesn't love me, I will accept all of his reasons and leave him alone, and I have emailed him so that he can read what I am saying without the pressure. I don't have a lot of hope. I just want to know if there is any cultural validity in what he is saying. He sent me to our African friends, they said it wasn't accurate, and then he said they were wrong.
I just want some clarification.
I can completely see why he didn't marry you. His mother wouldn't approve and it would just be a headache for him, his other issues just capped it. MY parents would scorn me if I brought an American home, black or white.
You had a very difficult childhood and now it seems you are interested in having an equally difficult adulthood.
I think someone said it above .. perhaps 'marriage' for the man you call your 'boyfriend' is more a business arrangement (and all that that implies for the partner who is 'less equal' - and it sounds to me as though you would be) than it is about love. You said you had told him you loved him. Has he ever done the same for you?
You sound well educated but that doesn't mean you don't have a lot of self-esteem scars from your childhood. Why would you settle for what sounds as though it would be a very unequal relationship, even if you 'think' you love this man?
How old are you both? How did you meet - in person or online? You are both in the US you say, but, do you live close by each other and see each regularly in person? What common values and interests do you share? Have you discussed finances, children/child raising, religious affiliations, dreams for the future? Is this the first hint that you may have major cultural differences to overcome even if he does actually love you? And how can you overcome those if he is obviously backing away (and he is .. using his mother as his excuse)?
It really sounds to me that, though it might be nice to 'understand' what, if any, the role of families would have to be in such a union, that this is a relationship that is ending for many reasons, other than that ... and now you just have to get through that .. grieve .. and move on. I know it is hard but, not all relationships result in marriage, and even among those that do many are unhappy. Learning about 'love' and all the hard work it entails is part of growing up. I hope in a few years when you have finally met someone with whom you can form a proper relationship you will begin to understand that this one was most probably not what you should have been pursuing anyway.
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