Difficulty adjusting... (Birmingham, Mobile, Huntsville: relocation, real estate, house)

[Reactionary]

Having been a stranger (some might say strangest) in a strange town, I know it can be tough to adjust to new surroundings. I moved 8 times in 14 years, staying in a place just long enough to make a few friends then start all over again. For me, the homesickness was at times heart-wrenching. Now I'm back home (made the 'deliberate move'), and have no friends - they've all moved on...

OK, not really - I still have friends I see regularly who I've known since I was a kid. Plus some new friends. And family. But things changed while I was away; however, I changed too, and I think that I'm better for the growth.

mp33 - what I learned from my experience is exactly what you already know:

just need to bloom where I'm planted

But then again, my green thumb knows that I've killed a lot of plants by putting them in the wrong environment

[OVRB17]

I also encourage your intention to bloom where you are planted, but at the same time, don't be afraid to make a change if you become convinced that it's necessary. Life is too short to be miserable in the wrong pot.

As for me, I was not happy about moving to AL over a decade ago, even though dh promised it was just for 2 yrs. We first lived in Hoover, but moved in less than 2 yrs. to a new house in Shelby Co. We liked that neighborhood so much that we later built a custom home. Then dh's career plans changed and his commute on 280 grew intolerable, so we moved closer to work. Now we're looking at a move to Huntsville to be near our kids who are settling in Madison. I've done a 180 on AL, and cannot think of any place I'd rather live. People are nice, the cost of living is reasonable, and it's convenient for visiting both sets of relatives. I don't think that AL changed, but my attitude changed. I made a concerted effort to look for the positives and focus on them. There are still things I wish were better, but I am hopeful that our move to HSV will be a step in the right direction.

[KMK]

For one thing you are in the deep south, alot different from The South. It is difficult for natives to adjust to a move here so don`t beat yourself up. This is just not an easy area to make friends. While people can be friendly in daily interactions, friendships with any depth are difficult. Most folks here cling to large extended families and really do not need to reach beyond their comfort zone. Extended family is great for those that have them but for newcomers or singles you can be left feeling very lonely and even as a outcast. I guess its just a cultural thing. I don`t know much about Trusville but it would have been easier to move to a more progressive part of the South and to a more transcient area or where growth is happening. Alot of these small isolated towns in the deep south are a challenge. I have lived in several parts of the south and loved it but had I not known that not all areas of the south are like it is here I would have wanted to leave years ago. I admit it seems that the college towns seem to have a more friendly atmosphere in this state. What I have learned is life is too short, don`t beat yourself up because you cannot adjust, it might not be your fault at all. If things are not working out for you give another area a try that is not so small or isolated. Perhaps another part of the south like SC. Georgia, or NC. I guess it is all relative. I have a friend that moved here from New Orleans to escape the crime infested streets. And loves the area. I can certainly see how it can be an improvement. I guess it depends why you left Calif and what you are seeking. Personally I would like a more progressive area in the beautiful south, not quite as isolated and where they have adapted to newcomers. You came from an academic state, filled with cultural diversity, a different terrain, loads of entertainment options to a state where progress of any sort moves at a snails pace and you are wondering why you cannot adjust??? What I have found so strange here is most seem very content without change of any sort. I do not know if they fear change, don`t think they can keep up with the pace of change, or who knows? There are changes that are good for the soul, good for health, good for education etc...but who knows? I don`t quite get it myself. I have lived here over 20 years and the biggest change has been from no Walmart, to a Walmart, to a supersize Walmart. I am a transplant from the Carolinas and am longing to head back. I just have no desire to waste anymore time here when there is a wide world out there ready to explore. I have lived in many areas of the south, north, and even west and I have no shame in saying this area has been thee most challenging ever. I do not take it personal. Esp when there are natives from this area who feel defeated. Its a puzzle! But hey if you feel the need give it a little more time or perhaps give another area outside the deep south a try. Head more toward the Eastern areas. That may be a little easier coming from Calif. Good Luck!!!

[marine21]

i belive that u should give it time

[Bravo35223]

Originally Posted by KMK

For one thing you are in the deep south, alot different from The South. It is difficult for natives to adjust to a move here so don`t beat yourself up. This is just not an easy area to make friends. While people can be friendly in daily interactions, friendships with any depth are difficult. Most folks here cling to large extended families and really do not need to reach beyond their comfort zone. Extended family is great for those that have them but for newcomers or singles you can be left feeling very lonely and even as a outcast. I guess its just a cultural thing. I don`t know much about Trusville but it would have been easier to move to a more progressive part of the South and to a more transcient area or where growth is happening. Alot of these small isolated towns in the deep south are a challenge. I have lived in several parts of the south and loved it but had I not known that not all areas of the south are like it is here I would have wanted to leave years ago. I admit it seems that the college towns seem to have a more friendly atmosphere in this state. What I have learned is life is too short, don`t beat yourself up because you cannot adjust, it might not be your fault at all. If things are not working out for you give another area a try that is not so small or isolated. Perhaps another part of the south like SC. Georgia, or NC. I guess it is all relative. I have a friend that moved here from New Orleans to escape the crime infested streets. And loves the area. I can certainly see how it can be an improvement. I guess it depends why you left Calif and what you are seeking. Personally I would like a more progressive area in the beautiful south, not quite as isolated and where they have adapted to newcomers. You came from an academic state, filled with cultural diversity, a different terrain, loads of entertainment options to a state where progress of any sort moves at a snails pace and you are wondering why you cannot adjust??? What I have found so strange here is most seem very content without change of any sort. I do not know if they fear change, don`t think they can keep up with the pace of change, or who knows? There are changes that are good for the soul, good for health, good for education etc...but who knows? I don`t quite get it myself. I have lived here over 20 years and the biggest change has been from no Walmart, to a Walmart, to a supersize Walmart. I am a transplant from the Carolinas and am longing to head back. I just have no desire to waste anymore time here when there is a wide world out there ready to explore. I have lived in many areas of the south, north, and even west and I have no shame in saying this area has been thee most challenging ever. I do not take it personal. Esp when there are natives from this area who feel defeated. Its a puzzle! But hey if you feel the need give it a little more time or perhaps give another area outside the deep south a try. Head more toward the Eastern areas. That may be a little easier coming from Calif. Good Luck!!!

Where do you live?

[Threestep]

Originally Posted by KMK

For one thing you are in the deep south, alot different from The South. It is difficult for natives to adjust to a move here so don`t beat yourself up. This is just not an easy area to make friends. While people can be friendly in daily interactions, friendships with any depth are difficult. Most folks here cling to large extended families and really do not need to reach beyond their comfort zone. Extended family is great for those that have them but for newcomers or singles you can be left feeling very lonely and even as a outcast. I guess its just a cultural thing. I don`t know much about Trusville but it would have been easier to move to a more progressive part of the South and to a more transcient area or where growth is happening. Alot of these small isolated towns in the deep south are a challenge. I have lived in several parts of the south and loved it but had I not known that not all areas of the south are like it is here I would have wanted to leave years ago. I admit it seems that the college towns seem to have a more friendly atmosphere in this state. What I have learned is life is too short, don`t beat yourself up because you cannot adjust, it might not be your fault at all. If things are not working out for you give another area a try that is not so small or isolated. Perhaps another part of the south like SC. Georgia, or NC. I guess it is all relative. I have a friend that moved here from New Orleans to escape the crime infested streets. And loves the area. I can certainly see how it can be an improvement. I guess it depends why you left Calif and what you are seeking. Personally I would like a more progressive area in the beautiful south, not quite as isolated and where they have adapted to newcomers. You came from an academic state, filled with cultural diversity, a different terrain, loads of entertainment options to a state where progress of any sort moves at a snails pace and you are wondering why you cannot adjust??? What I have found so strange here is most seem very content without change of any sort. I do not know if they fear change, don`t think they can keep up with the pace of change, or who knows? There are changes that are good for the soul, good for health, good for education etc...but who knows? I don`t quite get it myself. I have lived here over 20 years and the biggest change has been from no Walmart, to a Walmart, to a supersize Walmart. I am a transplant from the Carolinas and am longing to head back. I just have no desire to waste anymore time here when there is a wide world out there ready to explore. I have lived in many areas of the south, north, and even west and I have no shame in saying this area has been thee most challenging ever. I do not take it personal. Esp when there are natives from this area who feel defeated. Its a puzzle! But hey if you feel the need give it a little more time or perhaps give another area outside the deep south a try. Head more toward the Eastern areas. That may be a little easier coming from Calif. Good Luck!!!

How much more academic does it come but Birmingham?
Where do you live? What do you mean by deafeated natives?
Head scratch confused ...

[mp33]

Wow everyone! I took a two-day break from the forum having no idea I'd get this much feedback. You've all been real genuine and caring ... thank you!

Bravo, as for my wondering about "is it Trussville?" -- yes, I honestly would like to live near more transplants. Over here in Trussville, many things just just seem "Alabama this and Alabama that and Alabama sports and Alabama food..." I'm used to living in an area where there is a very wide variety of interests. And, I do miss going for a walk and passing 26 smiling people, 17 happy dogs, 8 bouncing baby strollers, and lots of cars on my way to Starbucks.

Threestep, you know it -- I am very blessed to have family come-and-go AND to be able to visit California a couple times within the next 8 months. To be honest, I just miss ME (that may have sounded self-centered, who knows.) Ha ha. While my husband switched from one career creating products that have nothing specifically to do with Alabama to another career here in Alabama that also has nothing to do specifically with Alabama, collaborating everyday with a diverse bunch of forward thinking people just like he did in California ... well, without going into details, the exact opposite of that happened to me. AND ... the more I get-out-there, meeting people and getting involved, the more I realize how much my life has changed. Much of Alabama acts different, sounds different, eats different, "does church" different, thinks different, etc... Nothing serious, I know, just grieving over here -- thankfully not over a death!

Sooooo ... long therapuetic thread going on here, hang in there ... AND when people suggest I get a full-time job beyond being a "stay-at-home" mom and working very part time (funny - I'm not the typical stay-at-home-mom type, but I digress), I want to puke because it was either we move OR we stay in California and I go to work -- on my weaker days, how many times have I thought "IF ONLY I CHOSE TO WORK!" But, my kids have me home and we're a cozy, healthy family and I am grateful for that -- and watching them enjoy their new land is fun!!!

I LOVE CALIFORNIA ... my family is there, friends, the exciting intensity of the state and its diverse beauty and things to do. It's like, "Hmmm...should we do the mountains this weekend? Wine Country? Oh, I know, let's eat at Ruby's on the pier, watch the dolphins swim by, and then we'll go to Nana's house and watch the Disneyland fireworks from the front yard of her cute little non-fancy 'garden home' while eating chunks of home-made brownies." It's just totally different. And, people like every sport.

Okay, get your violins ready ... it hurts a wee-little-bit that the friends and family who have visited me already, although they LOVE our home and the rolling tree-covered hills, they do not wish to follow us out here unless they HAVE to. There's a definite attitude of "I don't know how you did it, moving from where you lived all the way to Alabama" coming from both California AND Alabama folk, believe it or not.

Someone mentioned doing meals-on-wheels ... yes! Just called about that this week. Love that kind of stuff.

All done ... thanks again for hearing me out depite your rolled eyes and give-me-a-break sighs! LOL. Whether it's the culture or I just miss my native land, Alabama is simply not my favorite (not really my hubby's either) -- but our family still must choose to be useful and settled in this land God has us in for now...and there is growth to be had.

[Bravo35223]

Thanks for youir note and I can certainly understand your yearning for California....I have traveled there many times, both on business trips as well as vacations. It is a beautiful state with so much to do. Frankly, I love it too...I also love Colorado, New Mexico and Montana. I am very outdoor oriented and love the American West. So none of your comments about your adjustment hurt my feelings.

I KNOW that if you lived in Homewood or Vestavia that you would find many more transplants, a very short trip to Starbucks and walking on the sidewalks with lots of baby strollers and happy mothers. There is no doubt that you would find ALL of that there. And a greater variety of food, because many of the restaurants in these neighborhoods are Not Chains, but owner/chef operated...sidewalk cafe's like Nabeels being an example, where a newcomer would fit right in.

Now I am going to say something here that (I very sincerely hope) doesn't hurt anyone's feelings...It's almost as if I am asking a question I have wanted to ask here....

Why don't people who are relocated here from California have a lot more home equity to invest in their new homes?

I honestly thought a lot of people moving here from California would have $400-$500k or more that they HAD to put into their new home. If they did, affording Homewood, Vestavia, Greystone or Mountain Brook would be a snap. Instead I see many people who are limited to a house costing $250kish....and homes in this price range are not available in the 'close-in' suburbs of Birmingham....you've got to go OUT to get something in that price range...and while I do heartily recommend Trussville, Pelham etc as good places to live, they have less sophistication in terms of shopping, restaurants etc. And this is the stuff that Californians on here are missing. Californians: It's available in Birmingham, but you've got to live CLOSE IN - to find it...(and frankly much of it is in Birmingham itself, on the Southside, which is 8-9 minutes away).

I work in Homewood and LOVE IT....am transitioning to a new job and met future colleague last week while eating outside at the Tria Market. She grew up in Chicago and moved here from Utah about ten years ago. I asked her how she liked it and she said determinedly, "By far, the best place I have ever lived".

Folks, I am not a native Southerner. I was born in Kansas City and we moved here from Chicago when I was a boy...so I am a transplant too....

thanks for reading my long rambling post.....

[KMK]

I live in the Muscle Shoals area. And most native M.S. folks share the same feelings as the homesick mom from Calif. Folks are nice enough when you bump into them on the street but relationships seem to lack any real depth. There are a ton, a ton of very lonely folks around here and neighborhoods full of single moms raising kids. Our youth leave in groves. This is not a very youth friendly environment and add to it the fact there are no jobs, no econmic growth of any kind, the schools are marginal at best, etc...It is just a tough place to live. And sadly while meals on wheels is a very nice community project, it would be nice to have other academic, art, or recreational clubs, classes, etc. available. And yes I believe in the B`ham and perhaps in the Huntsville area an academic population does exist. But leaving a state like Calif with endless resources and moving to an state that has developed very few has to be a challenge. Hats off to the lady from Calif. You do what you have to for your kids!! I do believe it is possible for Alabama to be someones Utopia. I just believe it is all relative. Where did you live prior to your move? I have lived in many different areas of our country. I have truely loved everywhere I have lived. This state has been the least desirable. For lack of a better description it just seems to be so STUCK, no positive growth of any kind for years. The recent trend in this area is to develop a retirement community. Yet this area is not used to transplants and they frown on folks that seem to be invading their home with new fresh and progressive ideas.

[AnyDayNow]

Being a stay-at-home mom can be isolating, especially in a new area. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could take classes in? For example, every so often a mailing comes out offering classes at local schools in topics as wide-ranging as financial investing, estate planning, interior decorating, sewing, acting, belly dancing, computers, quilting, tennis, etc. I think the mailout heading is "Community Education" or something like that. You might look up "Community Education Center" in the phone book, I'll also see if I or one of my neighbors still has their last mailing around the house and DM you the phone # if we do. My neighbor also doesn't work and she has taken some interesting classes just to get out of the house and socialize. I've thought about taking some of the classes myself but don't have time right now to do so.

Yes, a lot of people around here have "social" lives that completely revolve around their churches. It's limiting when you don't have such an affiliation and are trying to meet people. As many churches are expanding into mega-churches around here, I don't see that changing. A lot of people keep their personal beliefs to themselves and join just for the social and networking opportunities, especially if they are single.

Trussville has had such growth in the past few years, it's amazing. Surely there have to be some other newcomers around there, it's just a matter of finding them.

Have you ever looked at genealogy? The Birmingham Public Library has some amazing resources in the Tutwiler building, they are fascinating just from a historical perspective. Maybe if you started to look at some historical sites of the area by doing a google search and then researching them, then you can take your children there and learn about the local history together. At the corner of Main Street and Chalkville Mountain Road, there is a historical marker about the site's history during the Civil War. I've just skimmed it but it sounded interesting and maybe there is something there that could pique your interest.

Allow yourself some time to grieve what you lost in moving here, but leave yourself some room to find interesting aspects to your new locale. There are a lot of wonderful resources around--ones that I know I as a resident have not made use of because of not getting "around to it". For example, someone I used to work with raved about the Sloss Furnace tour. He knew he was only going to live here for a short time so he and his wife made a point to check out the "tourist-y" stuff. He said that tour was great and told me I should go. All these years later, I still haven't gone. I don't know if your children would find it as interesting as he did, but it might be worth checking out.