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Old 04-07-2010, 12:13 AM
 
11,000 posts, read 7,208,330 times
Reputation: 8263

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^ Funny joke. People, please don't try this at home. The cat will be traumatized.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:37 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
3,238 posts, read 6,136,045 times
Reputation: 1808
A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
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Old 04-09-2010, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
3,238 posts, read 6,136,045 times
Reputation: 1808
So an engineer, a doctor and a lawyer are on a holiday together in the country when their rental car breaks down. They go to the nearest farm house and ask to spend the night. The farmer explains that there is only room in the house for two so one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The engineer volunteers to take the barn.

About an hour later the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the engineer.

"The barn is OK but there's a cow out there making gross noises and breathing heavily. I won't get a wink of sleep," he explains.

The doctor says, "fine, I'll try the barn."

A short time later there's a knock on the door. It's the doctor.

"You didn't tell me there was a pig!" he exclaims. "The smell is awful. I can't stand it."

Finally, the lawyer says, "alright, alright, I'll sleep in the barn!"

Within minutes there's a knock on the door. Clearly frustrated, the farmer throws it open, "NOW WHAT?!" It's the cow and the pig.
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:37 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,361,064 times
Reputation: 9982
An actor walked into a decrepit restaurant for a quick cup of coffee. He noticed another actor busing dishes. "My God," the first actor said, "what is this? A man with your talent, slaving in a greasy spoon like this?"

The other actor retorted, "At least I don't eat here!"
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:39 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,361,064 times
Reputation: 9982
My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:40 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,361,064 times
Reputation: 9982
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk about it.

"What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:42 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,361,064 times
Reputation: 9982
Two women were bemoaning the state of the National Health Service. One said: "Do you know, my ninety-three-year-old mother has been waiting over a year for her operation?"

"That's appalling," said the other woman. "What a terrible way to treat someone of that age."

"I know," said the first woman. "It got so bad that at one point I even said to her, 'Mum, do you really need bigger boobs?'"
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Old 04-09-2010, 08:44 PM
 
8,785 posts, read 2,361,064 times
Reputation: 9982
If you really think practice makes perfect, watch the government manage the economy.
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Old 04-09-2010, 09:41 PM
 
Location: Where Trolls get BBQ'd
131,621 posts, read 43,994,058 times
Reputation: 114156
What is she going to do? Sue me?

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Old 04-10-2010, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
929 posts, read 1,794,384 times
Reputation: 676
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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