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Old 04-10-2010, 09:15 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693

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Letter To Jessie James
Dear Jessie James

You Stupid B@$t@rd! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and has current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a$$hole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of sh.. that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger
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Old 04-10-2010, 09:19 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask ’Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and

His testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir’.

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen


very, very closely..... .




‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s – back’
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Old 04-10-2010, 09:25 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Women drivers
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her

Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner..

I looked away For a couple seconds! And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped

My electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees

against The steering wheel, It knocked My cellphone Away from my ear

Which fell Into the coffee Between my legs, Splashed, And burned

Big Jim and the Twins, Ruined the darn phone, Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.


Stupid women drivers
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Old 04-12-2010, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing..'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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Old 04-12-2010, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
3,364 posts, read 9,983,500 times
Reputation: 1947
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an 0rgasm.
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:15 AM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,046,154 times
Reputation: 10810
Classified Ad:

09' Suzuki GSXR 1000, $9,000

This bike is perfect! It has only 1,000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service.

It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.

I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper-consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "Do whatever you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call Steve 555-1212.
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:18 AM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,046,154 times
Reputation: 10810
Two old ladies made an illegal turn... ignoring the outraged traffic officer's endeavors to stop them. "Didn't you hear my whistle?" he demanded. The octogenarian at the wheel looked at him coyly... "Yes, I did, officer but I never flirt when I'm driving."
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:19 AM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,046,154 times
Reputation: 10810
Why do birds fly south?

Because if they walked, it would be winter by the time they got there.
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:20 AM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,046,154 times
Reputation: 10810
While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner. "So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about the president?"

The man pinned him with a steely gaze. "Before you tell it, I must inform you that I work for the White House."

"Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly."
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Old 04-14-2010, 08:26 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
redneck computer terms
Backup: What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

Bar Code: Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.


Bit: A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."


Bug: The reason you give for calling in sick.


Byte: 1First word in a kiss-off phrase. 2What your cur dawg dun to cusin Jethro.


Cache: Needed when you run out of food stamps.


Chip: Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.


Crash: When you go to Junior's party uninvited.


Cursor: What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.


Digital: The art of counting on your fingers.


Digital Control: What yore fingers do on the TV remote.


Diskette: Female disco dancer.


FAX: What you lie about to the IRS.


Floppy: When you run out of Polygrip.


Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.


Hardcopy: Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.


Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.


Internet: What cafeteria workers put their hair in.


Keyboard: Where you hang the keys to the Truck and your John Deere.


LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."


Mac: Big Bubba's favorite fast food.


Megahertz: How your head feels after 17 beers.


MODEM: What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall (gets rid of your dandelions.)

Mouse: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.


Mouse Pad: Where Mickey and Minnie live.


Network: 1Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line. 2Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.


Online: Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.


Packet: What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.


Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.


ROM: 1Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. 2Where the Pope lives.


Screen: Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.


Serial Port: A red wine you drink with breakfast.


Superconductor: Amtrak's Employee of the Year.


SCSI: What you call your week-old underwear.


Terminal: Time to call the undertaker.


Window: Place in the truck to hang your guns.
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