[sandgirl]

A restaurant in Hong Kong was ordered to shut down by authorities after it came to light that they were using old underwear as dishcloths.

[Rainbow Island]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.


Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

[Rainbow Island]

Two Mexicans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs." The Blonde Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that require so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

[Rainbow Island]

California vs. Texas

Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks dog.

California :

1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.

3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.

4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.

5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.

6. Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.

8. Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.

9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.

10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.


================================================== ================================================== =======

Texas :

1. Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge. Buzzards eat dead coyote.


ANY WONDER WHY CALIFORNIA IS BROKE????

[Rainbow Island]

THE OLD RANCHER

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'







Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said,
'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old Guys

[Rainbow Island]

Famous Quotes
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."

--Norman Schwartzkopf

[Rainbow Island]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a big bowl of 20 dollar bills sitting at the end of the bar. He asks the bartender, "Hey bartender, what's the big bowl of 20 dollar bills for? The bartender replies, "Well we keep a horse in the back, you put 20 dollars in the pot, go in the back, and make the horse laugh, you win the pot."

The guy is feeling pretty lucky, so he takes a 20 out of his wallet, throws it in the pot, goes in the back, and within a few minutes the whole bar hears the horse laughing. The guy comes out, grabs the money and leaves the bar.

A few weeks go by and the same guy comes back into the bar and sees yet again another big bowl of 20 dollar bills at the end of the bar. The guy asks the bartender, "Hey bartender, what's the big bowl of 20 dollar bills for?" The bartender replies, "Well we keep a horse in the back, put 20 dollars in the pot, go in the back, and make the horse cry, you win the pot."

They guy is feeling pretty lucky, so he takes a 20 dollar bill from his wallet, throws it in the pot, goes in the back, and within a few minutes the whole bar hears the horse crying. The guy comes out, grabs the money and as he heads for the door the bartender says, "Hey, hey buddy, wait, the first time you came in you made the horse laugh, the second time you made him cry. How did you do it?" The guy replies, "That was easy, the first time I told him my d*** was bigger than his...the second time I showed him."

[Rainbow Island]

A couple of nuns were asigned the task of painting the rectory and the mother Superior warned them to not get any paint on their new uniforms. The two nuns got this great idea and locked the door, took off all their clothes and put them under a table so no paint would get on them.

After painting for an hour, they heard a knock on the door. The one nun went to the door and asked "Who is it?". A moment later a mans voice replied, "Its the blind man". She looked at the other sister who nodded that it would be alright to open the door without dressing since he could not see them.

When she opened the door the guy standing there gasped and said, 'Wow..nice boobs...where do you want the blinds?"

[Rainbow Island]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

''Mommy ,'' the little girl asks, ''how old are you?''

''Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,'' the mother replied... ''It's not polite.''

''OK'', the little girl says, ''How much do you weigh?''

''Now really,'' the mother says, ''those are personal questions and are really none of your business.''

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ''Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?''

''That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!''

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

''My Mom won't tell me anything about her,'' the little girl says to her friend.

''Well,'' says the friend, ''all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.''

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ''I know how old you are. You are 32.''

The mother is surprised and asks, ''How did you find that out?''

''I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.''

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ''How in Heaven's name did you find that out?''

''And'', the little girl says triumphantly, ''I know why you and daddy got a divorce.''

''Oh really?'' the mother asks. ''Why?''

''Because you got an F in sex.''

[Rainbow Island]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and when questioned by the police was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people'...
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician.
'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession...