Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Arkansas
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 04-06-2009, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415

Advertisements

A Little Too Austere...


A newly ordained monk arrives at a remote monastery. He is greeted there by the Abbot, and then is told he must take a vow of silence. If after 20 years, he maintains this vow, he will be allowed to utter two words.

The young monk swears the oath, and sets about his monkly duties. Twenty years pass. The Head monk calls him in to the office.

"Brother", starts the head monk, "you've done well here. 20 years, and not a word has passed your lips. You are now allowed to speak 2 words."

The slightly gray monk pulls back his hood, looks the head monk in the eye, and says: "Bad Food!"

The monk pulls the hood back over his head, and goes back to work.

Twenty more years pass. He is again summoned to the head monks office.

"Congratulations," says the head monk. "twenty more years, and not a sound. You may again speak two words."

The 60 year old monk, slightly bowed by 40 years of the Lord's work, walks up to the Head Monk, and says: "No Heat!"

And he then resumes his efforts.

Twenty more years go by, and now the Monk is called back to see the head monk. Both old men move much slower now, but manage to meet in the office.

The head monk starts: "Brother, congratulations once more, you've been here 60 years, and have managed to maintain your vow of silence, you may now utter 2 more words."

The old Monk slowly hobbles up to the head monk's desk, pulls back his hood to reveal a balding head, and says: "I Quit!"

As he turns to go, the head monk says to him: "It's just as well, you've done nothing but gripe ever since you first got here!!!"

Last edited by Bull Winkus; 04-06-2009 at 10:07 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-06-2009, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
Ain't Science Grand...


Analysts speculate that Viagra will at some time in the future be available in liquid form and will be marketed to drink manufacturers as a power additive in both soft drinks and mixers. The proposal is to market the new concoction under several brands. Monikers include such names as Dr. Pecker, Mount & Do and Banger's Brew. Pepsi Co. is reportedly interested, but remains skeptical. It is believed they would test market the beverage as New 7up and then gradually phase out the old 7up if successful.

The proposed ad campaign claims, "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." Obviously this creates a new catagory of non-alcoholic beverage that can no longer be considered a soft drink.

When mixed with alcohol, this remarkable additive will give new meaning to the traditional terms of cocktails, highballs, hard cider and the old fashioned Harvey Wallbanger.

And just something to think about. The long term implications are many. We could be seeing ad campaigns imploring us with the slogan, "Drink Soda, Pop!" A woman may once again enjoy serving her husband his drinks in his easy chair. The porn industry as we know it could become obsolete, as ageing husbands once again find comfort in the arms of their wives after that one last trip to the refridgerator for a Root Beer.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2009, 10:46 PM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,045,617 times
Reputation: 10810
Elsie, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space when a young man in his brand new red BMW drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for. Elsie was so angered that she approached the young fellow and enquired, through gritted teeth, 'I was about to park there.'

The man looked at her with disdain and replied, 'That's what you can do when you're young and bright.'

This annoyed Elsie even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then she stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his BMW.

The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, 'What did you do that for?'

Elsie smiled at him and said, 'That's what you can do when you're old and rich.'
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-07-2009, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
A Letter From Grandma...


She writes: The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love, Grandma
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-07-2009, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
An Engineer and a Programmer...


By chance a Programmer and an Engineer ended up sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to Paris.

The cocky Programmer, smelling an opportunity to make a little money and put an Engineer in his place, leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he would like to play a fun game.

The Engineer was tired and just wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persisted and explained that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He said, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

The Engineer was intrigued, but being really tired, again he politely declined and tried to get to sleep.

After a long pause the Programmer, somewhat exasperated, said, "OK! ... If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This caught the Engineer's attention. Seeing no end to this torment unless he plays, he agreed to the game.

The Programmer asked the first question. "What ... is the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Engineer didn't say a word. He just reached into his wallet, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He turned to the Programmer, paused briefly and asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer took on a puzzled look. He reached for his laptop PeeCee and started searching all of his references. He tapped into the Airphone with his modem and began searching the internet and even the Library of Congress.

In frustration, glancing over at the Engineer who was finally catching some shut-eye, he sent an e-mail to several of his co-workers. But, it was all to no avail. After about an hour he gave up and woke the Engineer, handing him $50.

The bleary eyed Engineer politely took the $50 and turned away to try to get back to sleep.

The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shook the Engineer and blurted out, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reached into his wallet, handing the Programmer $5, and turned away to get back to sleep.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-07-2009, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
Black panties...


Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-08-2009, 09:38 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
Broom Disease...


A young French peasant girl went to work in a local broom factory.

After only four months had passed, she gave her boss a two-week notice that she's going to quit.

The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was a hard working peasant girl. He called her into his office...

"But why?" He asked.

"No reason,"She said sullenly. "I just want to quit, that's all."

"Look," he begged, "I'll give you a raise."

"No." She said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay," said the peasant girl, "if you must know..."

She took off her underwear and point to her pubic hair, "Look, this just started to grow -- it's the broom's bristles!"

Tickled by her innocence, The boss took off his underwear and showed his, and said: "See my dear... I have it too!"

"Oh no!" The girl cried with a sob, "I have to quit right now!"

"But why?"

"Not only do you have the bristles," she pointed, "but you've started to grow the broom handle as well."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-08-2009, 09:40 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
Butt sizing...


Larry and his wife, Mary, were working in their garden one day when Larry looked at his wife and said, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to measure his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill."

Mary chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Larry was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances toward his wife who completely brushed him off.

"What's wrong?" Larry asks.

Mary answers, "You really don't think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-08-2009, 09:53 PM
 
Location: Detroit Downriver
620 posts, read 2,075,733 times
Reputation: 415
Great observations...

If God so loved the world, then why did He fill it with so many idiots?

'Stupid' is the inability to discern quality, talent or greatness. So, why would anyone want to wear a T-shirt declaring "I'm with stupid?"

One's troubles are like lengthening shadows at sunset. The longer you ignore them, the larger and less pronounced they get. Then, just when you think they've faded and disappeared altogether, they suddenly take over your whole world.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes, however death doesn't get worse every year.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

The mind doesn't hold knowledge. It grasps it by its tail.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

When kleptomania gets really bad, the afflicted just take something for it.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Stupidity gets you into a mess, but can't get you out.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Love is grand. Divorce is quite a few more grand.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Indecision is often confused with flexibility.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

A day without sunshine is, well, like night.

It sometimes hurts to be on the cutting edge.

The last one standing has to clean up the mess.

The two simplist intergers, one and zero, can be used to communicate anything, no matter how complex.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-09-2009, 07:17 PM
 
9,732 posts, read 4,045,617 times
Reputation: 10810
A senior citizen drove his brand new corvette out of the dealership, taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-70, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this.' He pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Settings
X
Data:
Loading data...
Based on 2000-2020 data
Loading data...

123
Hide US histogram

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > U.S. Forums > Arkansas
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top