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Old 06-16-2010, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693

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Little Billy was staying with his grandparents at the cottage for a week. His grandfather decided to take him fishing so they went out into the garden digging for some worms to use as bait. Billy spotted a worm trying to squirm away and quickly snatched it up. His grandfather looked at him and said jokingly, "I'll give you five bucks if you can figure a way to shove that worm back into that tiny hole." Billy tried unsucessfully to get the worm back in, but it was futile. So he got up and ran into the cottage. A minute later he comes out with a can of his grandmothers hair spray. He grabs the worm and gives it a real good spraying. After a while he took hardened worm and shoved it back into the hole and stuck out his hand for the five bucks with a big grin on his face. "Well, I'll be darn" said the grandfather as he paid him.

The next morning as Billy sat at the table waiting for breakfast, his grandma came down the stairs and went up to him with a big hug. She reached in her pocket and stuffed something into his hand and whispered...."Here's a fiver from me too"
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Old 06-16-2010, 09:09 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Dear Tide:

I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with
his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives
who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough
without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.

Well, gotta go,
have to write to
the Hefty bag people.
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Old 06-22-2010, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Charlotte, NC
3,364 posts, read 9,983,500 times
Reputation: 1947
SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge> them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Old 06-28-2010, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights..

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet,
But I do believe it's a-comin'.'
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Diego. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat; $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat; you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the ocean. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the
MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the out going tide. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the ocean after the bronze rat, and all were drowned.


The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?" "No sir," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN Arkansas IN JULY WHEN..
.
~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.

~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

~ Hot water now comes out of both taps.

~ You can make sun tea instantly.

~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

~ The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

~ You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

~ You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.

~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cooked to death?"

~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

~ The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them fromlaying boiled eggs.

~ The cows are giving evaporated milk.

............Ah, what a place to call home
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers............
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:40 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a
quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole;
we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to
look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over
and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it --- stuck right in the
middle of the cow's butt. And that's when I made my big
mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey,
this looks like yours!! I don't remember much after that."
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Haynesville, La.-Pangburn, Ar.
763 posts, read 2,654,271 times
Reputation: 693
The Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie
to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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