[stacieberry]

So funny! LOL

[Bull Winkus]

Golfing Headaches...


Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' and she says, 'Honey, be sure to wear your sweater.'"

[Bull Winkus]

Good Samaritan...


Walter Smith is standing at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through his Big Book to see if Walter is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to him: "You know, Walter, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, then again, it appears that you never did anything really bad either. Tell you what I'll do, if you can tell me of just one REALLY good deed that you did during your lifetime, you're in."

Walter thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a large group of what had to be KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor young girl. I slowed down to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em teasing and torturing a lovely young half dressed woman."

St. Peter was intrigued. "Was she screaming for help?" He asked.

"Well, no. But, it was clear to me that she was helpless to stop the advances of these leather clad Neanderthals with their spiked collars and leering eyes. I was infuriated! I knew I had to do something, so I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron from the trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket, arms the size of howitzers and a chain of scars running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to this arrogant SOB, alone and without backup, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists paused from tormenting the comely young siren and formed a circle around me, closing me in. I knew that if I was to get any licks in at all, I'd better take the first shot."

"So, I ripped into this a-hole with everything I had, slashing him across the chest with the tire iron and then flipping it in one hand and smashing him up side the head with it. As he dropped to the pavement like a sack of wet potatoes, I turned around, holding up my tire iron and yelled to the rest of them saying, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all just a bunch of sick, sex crazed, deranged animals! Go home before I have to teach all of you a lesson in real pain!'"

St. Peter, quite impressed, enquired, "Really? That's absolutely wonderful of you! Now where and when did this happen?"

"Oh, at Sturgis, about two minutes ago."

[Bull Winkus]

Heavenly Meals...


Seymour Schwartz was a good, deeply religious man. When he passed away, such was his grace that he was greeted at the Pearly Gates by the Lord Himself.

"Hungry, Seymour?" sayith the Lord.

"I could eat," Seymour replied.

So the good Lord opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of fresh rye bread and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and fine wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, Seymour was quiet.

The next day the Lord again invited Seymour to join him for a meal, and again the Lord served tuna and rye bread.

Once again looking down, Seymour could see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still Seymour said nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Seymour could contain himself no longer. Meekly, he said: "Lord, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! Forgive me, O Lord, but I just don't understand."

The Lord sighed: "Let's be honest, Seymour, for just two people it doesn't really pay to cook."

[Rainbow Island]

Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects
about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of
money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you
do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills
every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads;
"I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads,

"I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico"

[Rainbow Island]

God's Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he, looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knock ing him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

And all God's people said,-- AMEN!

[sandgirl]

Originally Posted by Rainbow Island

God's Busy

If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!!

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in he, looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting.' It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knock ing him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The Marine calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me.'

And all God's people said,-- AMEN!

Reps for you! Glad you're back! Missing you

[Suncoast Guy]

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the
car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Rainbow Island]

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Rainbow Island]

[SIZE=5]"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter..
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."
[/SIZE]