[Rainbow Island]

When to Start Cussing....

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6-year-old, 'I think it's about time we started cussing.' The 4-year- old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'..' The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!'

[Rainbow Island]

Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick ' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your Brother, apparently he had the time of his life!!!

[Suncoast Guy]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you Happiness. Bad days give you Experiences. Both are essential to life. Keep going... Happiness keeps you Sweet, Trials keep you Strong, Sorrows keep you Human, Failures keep you Humble, Success keeps You Glowing, But Only God keeps You Going!

[sandgirl]

This is a true account recorded in the incident log of Jasper Cty, SC Sheriff's Office.

An elderly Sun City lady did her shopping at Wal-Mart and, upon returning to her car, found four young men in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into; the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Jasper County sheriff's office to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

[sandgirl]

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

The farmer mentioned the situation to the lake ranger. The ranger then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish. The ranger dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the ranger in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot. The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite.

Ranger: "I'm going to have to place you under arrest - I am a Ranger and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the ranger. Stranger: "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

[sandgirl]

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming”.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!” Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

[Rainbow Island]

Originally Posted by sandgirl

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming”.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!” Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?

That's good Sandgirl!

[Rainbow Island]

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

[Bull Winkus]

That's funny! "... in...the hole-he-goes."

You guys and sandgirl crack me up!

[Bull Winkus]

Giving Them the Bird... (There's one in every crowd, and sometimes in a small group.)

Mrs. Cohen, Mrs. Levy, and Mrs. Lefkovitz are discussing their sons...

Mrs Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world."

Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemme tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in medicine. What a man!"

Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his penis is so long, he can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."

The three ladies quietly sip their tea for a while...

Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I got a confession to make. Sheldon is an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's just a bright young man with a good future."

Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confess on too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships -- but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't."

Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Levy look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz.

"Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too," admitted Mrs. Lefkowitz. "The last pigeon has to stand on one leg."