[sandgirl]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[sandgirl]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[sandgirl]

Shortly after arriving at work, John ran into his boss in the hallway.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked John.

Caught off-guard by such a strange question and not sure how he should respond, John hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Yes sir, absolutely!"

"Well, then, I thought so," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[Bull Winkus]

I've Fallen Down and Can't Get Up!...


Ralph decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't seem to have any feet or legs.

Ralph says out loud: "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked. ... I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kinda like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says Ralph, "you really do understand, don't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports physics, philosophy... and I am especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

Ralph is shocked by the price tag. "$2,000.00!!! I can't afford that!"

"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy closer with one wing.

"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 --just make the owner an offer."

So for $20 Ralph walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. Ralph is delighted!

One day, Ralph comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions him over with one wing.

Ralph moves up close to the cage.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What!?" says Ralph, shocked.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks Ralph.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" Ralph says. "Then what?"

"Then he laid her down on the floor and they rolled around naked and unashamed as they fondled and touched each other..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Well," Ralph says frantically. "What happened, what happened?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I fell off my perch!"

[Bull Winkus]

Honesty is Really the Best Policy...


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. After struggling with the blizzard as long as they dared, they pulled into a nearby farm house only to discover the sole occupant was a lovely, curvaceous young lady of around 35ish. They were falling all over themselves to ask the attractive, voluptuous woman if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," smiled Jack. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

The next morning at the crack of dawn, the weather had cleared and the two were back on the road...

About a month later, Jack, while reading his mail, turned to his good buddy and said: "Bob, do you remember that good-looking young widow at the farm we stayed at?"

Bob smiled knowingly. "Why yes, I do."

"That was a nice place, wasn't it?"

"It sure was! That barn was better 'n most houses."

Then Jack glared at him and asked, "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, sneak up to the house and have sex with her?"

Slightly taken aback, a slow grin crossed his face as Bob reminisced "Yes," he smirked. "I have to admit that I did."

Jack scowled. "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red. "Oh! ... Yeah, I'm afraid I did..."

Jack shifted in his seat as he continued, "Well, I just got a letter addressed to me from her attorney. Seems she died suddenly in a car accident and I was named her sole heir!"

[Bull Winkus]

Last day on the job...


It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail, through all kinds of weather, through the same neighborhood. He was glad to start his retirement, but on this day he was feeling a little sad and lonely knowing he would never walk this route again.

Word had gotten around though, and when he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there. They roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy little gift envelope. He was feeling a little better that he was appreciated.

At the second house another neighbor presented him with a box of fine cigars. He didn't smoke, but it made him feel good that at least two famlies on his route remembered.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures in a gift ensemble. He was fairly well glowing by now, as he marched on through he last route.

To his surprise, at the next house he was greeted at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. Without a word, she took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom. There, she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast. He feasted on eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she answered, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' -- The breakfast was my idea."

[Rainbow Island]

ABOUT GROWING OLDER..

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old

[sandgirl]

YouTube - funny painful clips

[Bull Winkus]

Ouch!

Of all the things to be famous for, those would be the least desired.

In keeping with the theme of mayhem, here's one:

"What's the last thing that went through the 3 Somali kidnapper's minds."

Wait for it...

"Mmmmm... fresh air!"

[Rainbow Island]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE---I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning,' said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty! he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder..

The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of “I'm broke” don't you understand?

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