[Bull Winkus]

A Lean Machine...

It was time for an elderly gentleman to be put into a nursing home, as his grown children could no longer care for him. After a week, the children went to visit their father at the nursing home. As they all stood around the bedside during the visit, the father leaned to the right and a nurse quickly came over and propped him up with a pillow. No one paid much attention until a little while later, he leaned to the left, and again a nurse came and propped him up with another pillow. The man's children were amazed at how attentive the home seemed to be, and questioned their father on how he liked it there.

He responded in an elderly voice, "Oh ... it's fine. It's fine. ... I've been treated well, but I've got to tell you ... they sure don't want you to fart here."

[Rainbow Island]

Ear Infection
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my di**', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter..
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!

[Rainbow Island]

The Brothers
A single mom had two very active, very mischevious little boys who were always getting into some sort of trouble or another.

One day she was talking to her pastor, and told him what a hard time she was having getting her two boys to behave. The pastor asked if she would like for him to counsel with the boys to see if he could help. She said that she thought that would be a fine idea.

The day of the apointment came and Mom takes the boys to the pastor's office. He takes the first brother into the office, and leaves the other one in a chair outside the door.

Pastor looks across the desk at the first brother and says, "Son, do you know where God is?"

The boy's eyes get wide and he looks around but doesn't say anything.

Again, the pastor asks, "Do you know where God is?"

His eyes widen even more, but still doesn't say anything.

Once more the pastor asks, "Son, listen to me. Do you know where God is?"

The boy jumps up, runs out of the office, grabs his brother's arm and says, "Come on! God's missin' and they think we had somethin' to do with it!"

[Bull Winkus]

Math by Example...

A ten year old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. They worried about how their son could possibly open up a business if he didn't understand math. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the very first day of school, the parents were quite surprised when their son walked in wearing a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face -- and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room -- with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged from his room just long enough to eat. After quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern continued repeatedly every school day until it was time for the first quarter's report card.

The son walked in with his report card -- unopened -- placed it in his mother's hand and went straight up to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a big bright red "A" next to the subject of MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room -- thrilled at this remarkable progress.

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked.

The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring?"

"No."

"The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks?"

"No."

"The teachers?"

"No."

"The curriculum?"

"Nope," said the son.

"Then what was it?" asked the father, excitedly.

"Well... On that very first day, when I walked in the front door of the Catholic school and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign' -- right then and there I just knew they meant business!"

[sandgirl]

Old maid's burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

[sandgirl]

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

[Gue]

LOST IN THE DAMNEDEST PLACES


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

[stacieberry]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street."But, officer," the man began, "I can explain""Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.""But, officer, I just wanted to say""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom.

[Bull Winkus]

limerick, noun.
A kind of humorous verse of five lines, written with one couplet and one triplet with the rhyme pattern of a a b b a.

(Example)
"There was a young lady from Lynn
Who was so exceedingly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slid down the straw and fell in."

Lines 1, 2, and 5 have three beats, and 3 and 4 having two beats. Lines 1, 2 and 5 should all rhyme with each other on the last beat. Lines 3 and 4 should rhyme, but not with lines 1, 2, and 5. However, there can be many variations.

Limericks are meant to be funny and as such are usually bawdy, though they don't have to be. Here's a few of my favorites. - Bull Winkus

-----------------------------------

The limerick form is complex.
Its contents run chiefly to sex.
It burgeons with virgins
and masculine urgins
and psudo erotic effects.

What a funny little animal is the flea.
You cannot tell a he from a she.
But, he can.
And, she can.
Especially when time for whoopie.

The boy stood on the burning keg.
The flames rose past his legs.
Now during his meal,
he wont eat smoked eel.
And he can't stand hard boiled eggs.

She frowned and called him mister
because in sport, he kissed her.
And so, in spite
that very night
this mister kissed her sister.

There once was a lady from France,
who decided she'd just take a chance.
She let herself go
for an hour or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts!

To his wife, said the lynx eyed detective,
"Could it be that my eye sight's defective?
Has your east'it the least bit
the best of the west'it?
Or, is it a trick of perspective?"

A fly and a flea fell in a flue.
Said the fly to the flea, "What ever shall we do?"
"Let's fly." said the flea.
"Let's flee." said the fly.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

There once was a fellow named Sweeney.
His girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch to her snatch
had a catch that would latch.
She could only be screwed by Houdini.

There was a young girl from St. Paul
who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
and burned her attire,
front page, sporting section, and all.

There was a young girl of Surmises
whose breasts were of different sizes.
The one was so small
It was nothing at all.
But the other won several prizes.

There was a sweet pauper named Meg
who accidentally broke both her legs.
She slipped on the ice.
Not once, but thrice.
Now her husband must bring her her eggs.

There was a young lady from Bath
who wasn't very good at math.
After sex under a tree,
later said "Woe is me.
One and one don't make two. It makes three!"

She wanted to grow up a saint,
and her mother had no complaint.
But men, quite a few,
were more fun than a pew.
So she wanted to be, but she ain't!

There once was a man named McSweeny
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Just to be couth
he added vermouth,
and gave his wife a martini!

Said a coed from Duke University,
when asked about sexual diversity,
"Screwing’s okay
in the old fashioned way,
but I do like a touch of perversity."

There was a young student named Jones,
who could reduce all maidens to groans,
by his wonderful knowledge,
acquired while in college,
of nineteen erogenous zones.

A fellow from out near Pike's peak,
stood up in a large crowd to speak.
Got a tear in his eye,
when he noticed his fly,
had been opened since he last took a leak.

Said a diffident lady named Drude
the first time she saw a man nude,
"I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that protrude."

There once was a man from Eau Claire
who diddled his wife in a chair.
On the thirtyfirst stroke,
the furniture broke,
and his gun just went off in the air.

There was a young man from Cape Horn,
who wished he had never been born.
He wouldn't have been,
if his father had seen
that the tip of the rubber was torn!

A young airline stewardess, May,
has achieved the ultimate lay.
She was screwed without quittin’
from New York to Great Britain.
It is clear that she’s come a long way.

There was a young fellow named Perkin,
who was always jerkin his gherkin.
His father said, "Perkin,
stop jerkin your gherkin!
Your gherkin's fer ferkin, not jerkin."

There once was a man from Bel Air,
who was doing his girl on the stair.
When the banister broke,
he doubled his stroke,
and finished her off in mid-air.

A pansy who lived in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
over who had the right
to do what, and with which, and to whom.

A girl wearing three raisins for show
to a masquerade party did go.
The judges said, "Lookie,
from the front she's a cookie.
From the rear she's a Parker House Roll."

There once was a young girl from Norway
who hung by her feet in the doorway.
It worked out quite well
when you rang her bell.
The greeting would turn into foreplay!

There once was a girl from Norway
who hung by her toes in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me Joe.
I think that I've just found one more way!"

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam,
gently stroking his madam.
And, great was his mirth
for on all of this earth,
there were only two balls and he had 'em!

There once was a fellow named Skinner,
who took a fine lady to dinner,
to winner.
At half-passed nine,
They started to dine,
At half-passed ten, it was inner.
<pause>
NOT SKINNER!
The dinner was inner.
Skinner was inner before dinner!

<><><>

There once was a young girl named Candy,
whose breasts were as small as they can be.
With attitude she went,
to the doctor, hell-bent
to go from an "A" to a damn "D."

And now that the surgery's done,
she'd like to just show everyone.
But, if she unbuttons,
they might see her cuttin's,
and lookin' at scars is no fun.

Now all her old cloths are stretched out.
Her breasts are just starting to shout,
"Hey look at me!
I'm rounded and free.
Well, not quite, but I'm bound to come out!"

Now Candy is looking so dandy.
She's hot and her boyfriend is randy.
It's time for some fun.
The pain is all done.
But, things are not bright as they can be.

They bounce way too hard when she's runnin'.
They feel kinda hard when he's funnin'.
And when she bends over
gravity takes over.
By the end of the day she feels done in.

"My boobs are not happy!" she said.
"And to think, it was all in my head.
I may be a beauty,
or even a cutie,
but I just can't get comfey in bed!"

"Get off me, you stupid moron!"
"Let go. You're making me sore on
the one that you suck,
so you're out of luck.
Roll over. I must get a snore on."

[stacieberry]

Louisiana DWI

A young man was pulled over by the Louisiana state police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for son? You going to a fahr?. Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license. Then the officer noticed that the back seat of his car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?" The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler." The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!" The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint. Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bob was drinking it up with Homer T. Ratcliff. He soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. Suddenly Billy Bob spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Homer T. Ratcliff. When Homer got on the phone Billy Bob said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on 442. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!!